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How should i tell him that im not going? He sent the invite On May 3rd (before I found this), and I liked the message, meaning that I was coming. He also sent this to our study group where he said ” Everyone please come”. So he will be shocked that I’m not going to go. Do i buy anything? or just leave it at that?
I just realized that he loves that I’m there for him without any commitment, given that his real commitment right now is having a baby with someone he isn’t in love with. I finally decided that I’m not going to his baby shower on Thursday. Should I still send a gift or not? What do I say to him as to why i cant go? What happens after this? Will he understand why I can’t go? Should I unfollow him and his baby’s mother on Instagram?
I’m sure we won’t be speaking with each other after this, but in order to become a woman of high value, I have to be firm on my standards and be more respectful to myself because, at this point, he doesn’t respect me. I realize that this was feeding my ego by thinking that I should still go to show him that i could still be there for him despite my feelings for him. It will hurt me more knowing that this is actually real and that they’re having a baby that he has chosen to have with her despite his true feelings for her. At this point, I don’t care what people think of me not going. If I don’t respect myself, my feelings, and my wants in life, how can I expect him to also respect that, most importantly, ME?
I’m not going to lie; in my heart, I still think of a possible relationship, but in order for it to be real, I have to move on. I’m just having trouble navigating myself through this.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for the response. It was a fantasy I created! I literally dreamt of us being together as a couple, which made it worse after we were intimate. Knowing that he would rather be with me than with her intensified my thoughts even further of a possible future together. I believe he feels validated because she approached him rather than the other way around; she was never on his radar. He mentioned that if I had told him I wanted to be friends, he would have never chosen her (we were all single, but I wasn’t interested in him at the time, so it was valid for him to move on).
She texted him asking for help with having a baby due to her advancing age, which didn’t seem like a romantic gesture but more of a practical request or business transaction. He thought it was a good idea because he said, “Im getting old”, “If I leave her, I know she will be able to take care of the child because she will have a guaranteed job as a nurse.” Given his history of failed relationships (two failed marriages), he likely took the opportunity because she expressed a desire for him, even referring to him as her “sperm donor.” While I don’t understand why he’s involved with her, it’s none of my business
He was seeing a therapist, but she retired. He knows about my therapist and mentioned needing to find one as soon as possible. I told him about ZocDoc and offered to help, but then I read that it’s better to let a man handle his own issues and not offer unsolicited help. On Wednesday, he reiterated that he needs to find a therapist, and I hope he follows through.
I’ve been feeling okay, though still down about the situation. I’ve stopped “looking for his calls and texts,” but he called me on Tuesday wanting to talk and check u on me. The second call was to study together and on Wednesday just to talk. Im thinking is trying to be on my good side so i wont tell her that we’ve been intimate? i honestly wouldn’t tell because its embarrassing on my part though initially i wasn’t looking for it. I find myself irritated whenever he mentions his girlfriend, so I’d rather not talk to him at all. I’m realizing that self-respect is crucial and that I need to focus on myself and look forward to the next chapter of my life. It will take time to heal due to the nature of our relationship. It hurts, but knowing he doesn’t respect me or anyone else shows his true feelings.
We saw each other on Thursday after our exam. He walked up to me and said, “Hi Jo,” and I replied, “Hey, what’s up,” and walked away. I was busy looking for something on my phone, so my reaction was more about being preoccupied than intentionally avoiding him. We spoke briefly afterward when he asked me a question, and then he left. He tends to disappear whenever something bad or out of his control happens like he did the last time. I know once graduation ends, I’m not tied with anyone in school and i can move on. I will keep in contact with a very few. For him to realize his choices, his path, yes i know i have to let him go. He watches my stories on Instagram, which gives him some type of contact on what I’m doing. I hate being mean in general but to him would be hard to let him go. Is it because the relationship he truly wants is with me but its a messy situation. In all honesty, i don’t want to be friends, i want a relationship but for this to resolve, i need to heal and let go of this.
I’m not afraid to love again, but I know I need a lot of time to get over this first. I will talk to my therapist about it, as I have self-esteem issues, lack of confidence, and trouble trusting myself and others.
Thanks Heidi for your response.
I’m feeling like an emotional wreck and struggling to start to heal from this situation. I’ve only been in two exclusive relationships, and other interactions have been more situational. I wasn’t looking for a relationship or any of that sorts. What hurts the most is realizing too late how much I like and care for him as a person. I fell for someone unknowingly and couldn’t hold it in anymore. I might have had a chance at something real, but I was initially closed off because of his looks and body, rather than getting to know him for his character. Now, I’m grappling with feelings of guilt and regret of not giving him a chance. Now I have to cut him off. Confession: he called me and I answered. We spoke and he asked how I was doing etc. we spoke for about 30 mins. He sent me memes. Mind you I haven’t spoken to him since last Thursday. Why can’t I find the courage to let him go? The tears are unbearable. Why don’t I have self respect for myself ? Why can’t I let him go completely? In my heart, I know that his feelings for me are genuine. He says all these things about her in my mind I created this false hope of them not working out. I honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about her. Our deep emotional connection made this situation almost inevitable. He told me he’s never felt this way before, and I haven’t felt this way in a very long time—years, to be exact. It was wonderful to have someone who wanted me as much as I wanted them.
I don’t go out on dates, I have no suitors, and I keep to myself because I know my heart is big, and I’m scared of getting hurt. I currently in therapy working on myself. I want to start the gym. I have trouble with communication & trusting men, but he said all the right things. He wanted to make me happy, give me affection, and be there for me, which he has done. But it hurts that I can’t have him the way I want.
I really wish I had never met him.
So I’m now I’m thinking should I just move on quietly and not have the conversation.
Can someone please answer?
So I have thought of when I should have a talk with him. It’ll be 2 days before graduation. I think it’s fitting giving that graduation is such a busy time for us as well as it’ll be the last time I’ll be at school, then I go back to my regular life at home and work which is in a different borough. I don’t want to ghost him.
I have a question: at what point in time can I consider being friends with him again? After I’ve healed and separated from the past, is it safe for me to reconnect with him as friends? If we reconnect in the future, would it be wise to consider starting a romantic relationship with him? Or, given that he cheated on his current girlfriend, is there a risk that he might do the same to me if we were to get together in the future?
With just a few weeks left of school, I know I’ll see him around. I’m wondering if I should ignore his calls and texts or continue our usual exchanges, like sending memes, until school ends. I want to maintain a cool demeanor for the sake of the upcoming ceremony and graduation. Additionally, my mom wants to meet him, which complicates things. I’ve been trying to avoid him, but I’m unsure how to act around him in these final weeks.
What I want to know also is why would he kiss me? After I turned him down he kinda got upset that I rejected him. I felt bad but I said well what about your gf? He’s not emotionally attracted to her. He held my hand and he aggressively tried several times to get me to kiss him. Which it worked. I feel like that was the beginning to our end. I guess since I turned him down he wanted to prove to himself that he was right about everything and that I was wrong in not giving him a chance when he wanted me.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your much needed response. I’ve realized that I need to let him go, which is difficult because he’s been such a good friend. However, he’s not available for a relationship, and I need to move on. When I previously mentioned trying to block him out of my life, he insisted that he’s never letting me go and that he’s here to stay, especially since we became intimate. Before he tried to kiss me, I felt okay, but his promises to make me happy and give me affection clouded my intuition and mind. I’m considering meeting with him before graduation to tell him it’s over, face to face. I’ve prepared something to say, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. Given his reluctance to let go, I’m uncertain about how to proceed.
Here it is:
Hey [His Name], thank you for taking the time to meet. I really appreciate it. I want to start by saying how much I’ve valued our friendship and all the laughter and support we’ve shared. You’ve truly been important to me.
There’s something I need to be honest about. I love you, and that’s something I’ve come to realize deeply. This feeling has made our situation very challenging for me, especially given everything that’s going on in your life with your commitments.
I always wondered if there might be a chance for us to explore something more together. This hope made me hold on to our friendship, even when it was becoming painful for me. However, with the complexities of your current situation, I see that it’s not the right time for us, and perhaps it may never be.
So, after a lot of reflection, I’ve decided that the best thing for me is to step back from our friendship once the school year ends. I need to do this to heal and move forward on my own. This means I’ll need some space and will not be engaging in the same way we used to.
I hope you can understand this decision isn’t easy. It’s about taking care of my emotional well-being. It’s not about ending things out of anger or disappointment; it’s about needing space to process my feelings and find my own happiness.
I cherish the moments we’ve shared, and I wish you all the best, especially with becoming a father soon. Thank you for understanding, and thank you for this conversation. I needed to be completely open with my feelings to move forward with no regrets.
I have been mentally preparing for this moment. Do I block him from contacting me I.e: phone, instagram (social media outlets etc)? Or should I should just keep him where he is and just move on? He sent me an invite to their baby shower. I don’t want to go for obvious reasons but it will look weird if I don’t go since his gf and I are sorta acquaintances. I distanced myself from her and rarely talk to her this semester. I personally don’t like her (not because of him). She’s rude, obnoxious, self centered since before dating him. Should I go to support? I don’t plan on staying for more than a hour. The next day is our pinning ceremony so it’ll just be awkward for me to be around them if I don’t go. Going won’t hurt me. I’ve been out with them & it was ok.
He mentioned that he initially wanted me, and it’s true that I had placed him in the friend zone. I wonder why he worked so hard to break down my barriers, only to seek intimacy. He even said he would have preferred for me to be the mother of his child rather than her. When we see and speak to each other, it’s as if nothing happened between us. When I asked him what I should do, he suggested that we should focus on school first and revisit our situation after. How did I go from being who he wanted first to being a side chick?
