[Jessica S]

Hey Spyce,
So an update on Guy #1. We had a kid’s playdate last night and got time to talk. He asked me, down the road, if he got a girlfriend, would I be okay with that? Could we still hang out and be friends (as we have started a Bible study together)? And I genuinely said yes, that would be okay. Honestly, although I like what we have going, I don’t feel a spark with him. We hadn’t spent time together in a couple of weeks, and I needed to reconnect with him to see if there was a spark. So, we are just friends, which is cool with me.

Now, I know you mentioned the issues with Guy #2. And despite everything “wrong” with the relationship, there is a spark there. Is there any way to turn this situation around?

I have a little less than a month left on Stir (one of Match.com’s single parent dating apps) and am in contact with a couple of new guys. Guy #3 I just started talking to him on Monday, won’t text unless I text him, so this is the text i sent him:
“I was thinking if you’re not much of a texter, I would be open to phone calls.”
(because on my profile I have that I prefer texting over phone calls).
His response:
“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.”
I responded:
“If you’re available after work, we could chat a bit on the phone. I have a few errands to run and am heading to Good Friday service at 630”

And then guy #4, the first message I sent him was telling him how I admire his strength for leaving an abusive relationship and for staying strong for his boys. And he responded that my message is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever said to him. Turns out his parents live in the same town my parents live in, and he lives about 2 hours from me. We just started talking two days ago.

So, Guy #3 and #4 are extremely new.

My marriage started off quickly. Now, that I look back on it, I have to agree with my counselor that there were a lot of red flags. But I was also 25 when I got married. I don’t know if zodiac signs mean anything to you, but I am a hardcore Leo. And so was my x-husband. Leo’s crave attention, and so that could be a small/larger part as to why I seek needy people. Leo’s also are strong and powerful, independent, but very affectionate. So, maybe this might help you in knowing a little bit more how and possibly why I function the way I do. The verbal abuse started out slowly. He has never been close with his family. Oldest of 5. Pastor’s son. When his father passed of prostate cancer when my ex was in his 20’s, there was a lot of bitterness that still to this day has not been forgiven/resolved. We were married 10 years, separated for 2 years where the kids and I lived with my parents, and then just last March 2023, officially divorced. He willingly gave up his rights to the kids. But I do my best to be flexible and allow him whatever time he has to spend with them. I don’t want to be the ex-wife who uses the system to her benefit. The problems between my ex and I should not be cause for me to take it out on his relationship with his kids. There was one day we were yelling at each other, and my daughter at the time was 1.5, and she started crying and got between us, holding up both her arms to get us to stop. It broke my heart. I tried to hold on, I asked if he was interested in counseling, and he said his work would pay for some sessions but he never pursued it. He also was the one who wanted the divorce, but I am the one who “did all the work” and he never would respond to giving me the information I needed to finish and file the paperwork. That is when my mom’s childhood best friend and her husband stepped in and paid for me to have a divorce attorney to the paperwork. During our 10years, it was not all bad. We genuinely had moments where it was amazing. But when we bought our house in 2014, we both agreed that’s where it started going down hill because we were no longer in town, close to the bike trails and things to do with each other easily, as we had moved out to the country. About a 20min drive to the bike trails or anything else we were interested in doing with each other.

My therapist/couselor has gently warned me about Guy #2, mostly because he is not a Christian. She has also cautioned me with Guy #1 because of his unique situation with still allowing his x to live in the house. Which I agreed and mentioned I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship with him until his x-wife were to move out. But as it turns out, like I mentioned about, we agreed last night to just be friends, which is fine with me. I only meet with my therapist bi-weekly now. So, to get 2 weeks worth of events into 1hr session can sometimes be tough. Or I forget things.

I want to try a different approach with Guy #3 and Guy #4. I have some books from Matthew Coast on relationship building, as well as Michael Fiore, and Carlos Cavallo (The Cupid Effect), and of course James (His Secret Obsession).

I am trying to be as open as possible and listen, even if I don’t want to. I want to improve, if not for me, at least for my kids.

Thanks Spyce,
Jessi

[Jessica S]

Hey Spice,
Sorry, it’s been a crazy week. I’m thankful for the honesty and insight you’re able to provide. With Guy #1, I had the chance to get to know him through attending church before we even started hanging outside of church. I understand I shouldn’t have to “fight” for a man, and maybe I used the wrong word. I am just not wanting to give up on a good guy. If all I am to him in the end is a friend, that is fine with me. And I told him that. I would rather go through what I am going through now with him and take my chances because I am for the first time having a Bible Study with a guy I like and he was and still is excited to meet with me to do the Bible Study. When we started hanging out, I had just ended things with Guy #2 so I wasn’t looking for another relationship to get into. I just wanted company. I wanted someone I could hang out with with no expectations. And seeing as his kids and my kids get along wonderfully and look forward to hanging out, we can get together for playdates. If something happens between us, I want it to happen naturally, and I told him that. We just recently had a discussion earlier this month, kind of like a check-in point, and discussed where we thought our relationship was at and we both are still on the same page. And I’m fine and happy with that.

As for Guy #2, I agree with you as far as him being a project. But here is the thing (not an excuse but an explanation), I have always attracted and been attracted to people who may just need a friend who comes from a stable family. All my girlfriends are projects. From kindergarten through college. And every guy I have been with has been a project. Why I am attracted to and draw needy people to me can best be explained because of my faith and belief in God.

So, no I have never had a “healthy” relationship, even though I have awesome and amazing parents for role models (I think they just hit 45 years of being married). Before my divorce, I sought a Christian counselor and have been seeing her for nearly two years now. She has been a major in helping me figure out my feelings and giving direction without telling me what to do because I don’t do well with people telling me what to do. That was one of the reasons I chose her, because of how she counsels.

I can’t turn off the attraction needy people see in me and I don’t want to. And not because I am being naive or whatever, but because I want them to know that I am there for them. It may sound foreign, but it makes me happy and fills me with joy when I can help.

Now having said that, I also realize that this should not validate me not having/looking for a healthy relationship. And yes, I have been single in between guys. lol And I know I am completely capable of being single the rest of my life if that is what it came down to because I know I do not need a man to make me happy and fulfill my needs. But I do want someone I can share my life with. My ex-husband I met on Christian Mingle. He was a pastor’s son and knew the Bible inside and out. His family is absolutely wonderful. But he verbally abused me for most of our marriage and used scripture against me. I have a condition called PCOS, and I deal with depression daily and I suffer from insulin resistance which makes it very difficult for me to lose weight. I found out about my condition while we were married, but I didn’t know the extent and severity of the effect it had on my mental and physical state. And we got a divorce basically because of my condition. He wanted a skinny wife and I couldn’t lose the weight after my second child. I had two c-sections because I couldn’t give birth naturally. He told me I was sick…and I kinda am. PCOS is a non-curable disorder, but treatable. So, when I think of our vows “through sickness and in health”…it just really hurts. I mean our marriage wasn’t a complete disaster. We did love each other in the beginning and did a lot of things together. But we both agreed that we bought our house out in the country, and that’s when our marriage started to take a nose dive because we were no longer doing things together.

I know I am not ready to just jump back into a serious relationship. I want to make sure that the next guy I do date is also a great role model for my kids.

So, yeah, there are aspects you mentioned that I do agree with. Especially with Guy #2. But with Guy #1, I believe if it is God’s plan, things can work out. I mean anything is possible with God. And maybe He has a completely different plan for me. And that is fine with me too.

Thanks, Spyce, for responding and sharing your advice and feedback. I appreciate it 😊
Jessi

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