[Crystal L]

Hi Spyce

I appreciate your suggestion. I have decided to get private coaching to get through this and my first session will begin tomorrow. Although Anthony and I have not had the conversation we are supposed to have, things are changing in small ways. On 2 occasions during business calls on the Project, he told very senior people we met for the first time how “wonderful” I was and during one of these occasions, he said it was “lucky” that his firm had me. It is not uncommon for professionals to sing praises of one other, but usually not with personal terms like “wonderful” and “lucky”. He used to sing praises of me in professional settings, but always using professional terms like “one of the best …”, “capable”, etc. It was the first time he used “wonderful” and “lucky to have her” to describe me. I could also see the softness in his eyes when he said those words. He also texted me “dear Crystal” today. This was the first time he used “dear” after we took a break from our relationship.

My point is I will speak to my private coach and we will explore how to turn things around with Anthony. If we can’t, I have confidence he will guide me towards someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved.

I am really grateful to you, Spyce for taking time to help me with my problems. Thank you.

[Crystal L]

Hi Spyce

He received my letter and champagne on Tuesday. He replied immediately to thank me for sharing my private thoughts and he said we would have a conversation soon. But up to now, there has been no conversation. And he has been extremely guarded by making sure all our messages are work related. I continue to do things that will benefit his career and sending him work related messages that are purely professional.

I have been thinking about this a lot. I can either have faith in him that he is trying to get the project off the ground and also trying to work out his feelings before we have a talk or I can walk away. Walking away may be the best thing. Sometimes, certain things happen for a reason. Perhaps, a relationship with a man who is so careless with my feelings may not be suitable for me and I should seek love and support elsewhere.

If I do decide to walk away, I don’t want to do it the way he did – just dropping him a message and say “Hi, btw, I am done. Bye”. I want to talk to him as gently as possible to tell him that I need to go because the hurt is too much for me to bear. But how do I do it when he refuses to talk?

[Crystal L]

Dear Spyce

Many thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I really appreciate those and your edits to the letter. I will update you when he responds. If for, whatever reasons, he does not want the relationship anymore (maybe the long distance is getting into him), there’s no forcing a man on matters of the heart. Thank you for your support.

Warm regards
C

[Crystal L]

Hi Spyce

Many thank for your advice. It is insightful. What I wrote above relates to what happened after he clammed up and refused to talk. So the messages just revolved around work. Our regular romantic encounters were not like that. He is better than me at opening up and talking. I am a very shy person. He tells me many things from when he first watched porn as a teenager, his dreams and goals, his parents, etc. He is also very protective and wants to shower me with love. During our last trip in early Feb, he got flowers from me from a nearby town because he couldn’t find any in the town we were staying in. He woke up at 4 am to go surfing (his regular morning exercise), so that he could spend the rest of each day with me.

Anyway, I have been using what James taught in Secret Obsessions and have given him compliments and encouragement to make up for the fact that my compliments and encouragement (which I was giving even before I bought James’ book) dried up after I fell ill and I became stressed with not hitting my revenue target. I re-read some of my messages. Some of them were criticizing and he must have felt that the girlfriend he knew had disappeared and she had become difficult, at the time he was trying to get his firm off the ground.

We like to send each other surprise gifts (since the relationship is long distance). I have had a think about your advice on asking for an open conversation and I think I should send him a bottle of champagne to celebrate a small milestone for his firm. I will enclose the following letter with the gift. Hopefully, he responds to this letter positively and agree to talk.

— Letter —

Dear [his nickname]

High five on the soft launch of our Project. I am beaming with pride. You conceived the idea. You showed W the light and you led your team to this milestone. I am looking forward to our first closing when I can say, “Baby! I KNEW you can do it!”.

I want you to know I support your focus on the Project and taking the firm off the ground. I know how important these are to you.

I need your support on something important too. Can I request that you read this letter carefully when you get home from work? This is a positive letter. I give you my words.

Let’s start with what I admire so much about you, but have not been able to express due to my shyness and clumsiness in verbal communication.

1. Sometimes, you make me feel like you are my most special protector (my superman). You look out for me. For example, when I complained about M wanting to steal the Y deal from me, you jumped up and said it was not acceptable. You suggested practical solutions to help get me in front of Y. Your protector’s acts always touch me.

2. You respect me. When I told you how I did not like being cut off when I was speaking, the very next day, you made an effort to let me babble off in the car the whole day. A real man respects the woman he is with 😊

3. You provide for me. I know you have been working really hard to help me get legal work. You know how important this is for me and you work your ass to help me – I know that. Towards the end of February, I stopped saying “thanks” regularly due to the stress of my illness and not meeting my revenue target. It is my bad.

Next, I want to share with you a vulnerability I am experiencing of late. It takes a lot of courage for me to write this, so please read it. I support you focusing on the Project and your firm. I will not take you away from the focus, but I need your masculine compassion to help me work with something that is causing me pain.

Remember the Alain de Botton clip on Romanticism you sent me? He said something about your partner not being able to read your mind. When you asked for a break in our relationship, my response was sterile (almost robotic). I said “Sure, let’s take a break”.

I think I did a big disservice to our relationship with my reply. When we are together in an intimate partnership, the way to build and deepen that bond is to be open and transparent. I wasn’t open because I thought I should give you space. I was also hurt and confused and I did not know what else to say. I am unable to read your mind. Eg., I can’t discern:

• Do you just want to concentrate on work for now and once we launch the Project, we will embrace each other with excitement again, like how you first hugged me at that airport hotel in M.

• Do you want a break-up?

When I can’t read your mind, it is unnerving.

Can I appeal to your protector instinct to have an open conversation with me one evening? It won’t take long. The pain and confusion I am feeling is likely due to bad communications on our part. Eg., I could have responded to your “take a break” message with a gentler one, such as “It’s OK. I know your work is important and we’ll have a lot of fun as a couple when the Project crosses a milestone. Can we talk about how we want this pause to look like?”

When we do speak on the phone, I will be empathetic and non-judgmental. I want to hear what you think we can do to let you focus on work and yet keep our warm connection alive. We are good people. I am confident we can rise above this adversity (ie., my hurt and confusion) and bring the Project to an amazing success as a loving and supportive couple.

If, however, what you want is a breakup, I promise I will walk away gracefully. Your Crystal is too sassy to beg you to keep me 😊

I am calling out to you to take my hand and help me. If you do care about me, please drop me a message to let me know you have read this letter and we will talk.

—

Spyce, I am happy to hear any advice and thoughts you may have on this letter.

Thank you.

[Crystal L]

By way of update, Anthony texted me and asked me how I was feeling and later asked me to update him after my hospital visit on 25 March. We then had some positive exchanges on work. He made a small milestone and I was getting all excited and happy for him. He has arranged a call with another person scheduled for this morning to help me land a new client.

[Crystal L]

3. This is related to question 2. I want to use the lessons learned in James’ book to get him to initiate a “resume” (ie., our relationship is no longer in a pause state) since there’s no point arguing with a man and persuading him to be emotionally available. But by May, if there is no improvement, I need some guidance to initiate a chat with him to find out what’s happening? Eg., does he want to end it? If he does not want to end it, why pause it? Why not simply say “honey, please understand that I will be extremely busy for the next 2 months and I cannot spend time chatting with you regularly. But rest assure, I will be emotionally available when the Project is done.”

[Author]

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