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Hmmm… I never really thought about flirting that way (your video was very helpful!). I always try to conceal and fight my feelings whenever I’m with him, especially at work – I feel guilty when he catches me looking at him from across the lab, I’m afraid to compliment his physical appearance even though I find him very handsome and attractive… I think that has really made things harder for me. My speech impediment is MUCH more severe around him than anyone else I work with; he really does give me butterflies haha. (Stress is not the cause of my speech impediment, but it certainly aggravates it.) I think that’s partly the reason I was initially considering telling him how I feel – to get it off my chest and stop pretending that the attraction isn’t there. In that sense, the idea of expressing my attraction to him by simply allowing my feelings to be free in my body (rather than explicitly saying them) sounds very liberating.
However, I admit that it scares me very much. The romance/flirting department is uncharted territory for me; I’ve never dated or had a boyfriend before. I am a little more awkward than your average joe, although more extroverted than my guy. We both seem to be very scared and inexperienced in this area. Some of my family actually thinks that he believes I’m out of his league looks-wise; a few of my friends share that sentiment as well. So maybe if I face my fears about feeling my attraction for him and being more expressive about it, he’ll find the courage to do the same. I sure hope that’s the case.
I completely agree with your insight about him possibly not having the capacity for a relationship right now. It’s partly why I’ve waited this long to even consider saying anything; I know that family and career are major areas of his life, and I would never want him to feel like he has to choose between me and them. If I’ve learned anything over the past year, it’s that men and women are wired completely differently in the love department; I just wish there was a way to show him that it doesn’t have to be a choice.
The prospect of dating scares me a little, especially because I’m reluctant to settle for anything less than the deep connection I have with my guy (which has taken me a long time to find), but I do agree that I shouldn’t put my life on hold and that it would be good for me to get more exposure to the opposite sex and practice my relationship skills. It seems as if the only way to do this is through dating apps (which I REALLY don’t want to try but will if I must haha), but I have asked some of my friends to keep me in mind if they know of anyone who may be a good match for me. It would be a dream come true to meet my future partner in real life!
Thank you very much for all of your input, guidance, and encouragement thus far. You have been a HUGE help!
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your quick and thoughtful reply! I appreciate your insight and honesty, and I do agree that it would be so refreshing if he was the one to tell me how he felt and fight for me.
He has told me that he is not typically the initiator in social settings and that he is not a very expressive person. But occasionally he’ll be the one to suggest a rendezvous for lunch, pay for me, bring me food, and give me treats. It makes me feel like such a woman! I always thank him up and down to encourage that masculine behavior. We laugh a lot and have banter, too. He’ll shadow me when he doesn’t have anything else to do, and he’ll make stupid jokes and teasingly mess up my experiments. To which I’ll roast him back, laughing and playfully touching him on the arm or back. (Flirting isn’t exactly my strong suit, so I’d love any advice as to how to improve my flirting game haha.) Whenever I see him outside of work, I say that I enjoy his company so much, it’s always so good to see him, etc., trying to hint at how I feel (probably too subtly, though).
I see the masculine, go-getter side of him come out as he tries to figure out his career path long-term, especially now that his dad passed, but socially/romantically, it’s a different story. I realize that isn’t something I can fix. But I did purchase His Secret Obsession and have since been taking every opportunity to build him up as a man. This often happens at work – he’ll offer to help me move heavy boxes (which I always take him up on), I’ll ask him to sit with me when I have to present at meetings for moral support because I feel safe with him, and I have told him how brave and admirable it is that he moved across the country, away from his family for the first time, to be here in our lab.
Many of the people I’ve talked to and who have seen us together believe that he is interested in me, but because of his family’s situation, having to move back home (his family is on the west coast and I’m on the east coast), and the uncertainty about his career at this point, he has not pursued me full-force. He comes from a traditional culture where the men are the providers, and the fact that he has to step into that role for his family may make him feel like he can’t be the provider I deserve right now.
If I was to say something, yes, I would hope he would admit his feelings, too. If he says he feels the same way but isn’t in the place for a relationship now with everything happening, hopefully we can stay friends and keep in touch, I can occasionally visit him and he visit me, and I’d keep my options open until if/when something changes on his end (if I haven’t been snatched already). And if he admits his feelings and says he wants to date me, the truth is, I don’t know how long distance would go, but I have thought about it knowing that’s what would have to happen if we were to date. I’m open to trying it, especially with someone I feel so connected to, and I know it would be a lot of work. If it goes well and we continue to grow in our relationship, I could see myself possibly moving if necessary (though that would be a little farther down the road). Fortunately, I’m early enough in my career where I have that flexibility. And if it falls on its face, it would hurt like crazy, but I could sleep at night knowing I tried, and I will have learned quite a lot from this wild experience.
Forgive me for the long reply; I’m trying to paint as accurate a picture as I can. This is such a complicated situation, and it’s definitely uncharted territory for me. Thank you again for your time!
