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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank you sooooooo much for clarifying the difference between being arrogant and allowing oneself to be connected to their greatness! I think that held me back a bit from fully claiming my qualities. I’ve been deeply hurt by bashful people in the past, and I would rather be shot in the foot than even REMOTELY come across that way. I’m glad to know I can acknowledge my strengths without being a total snob.
So let me try this again…
1. I am extremely intuitive and insightful, noticing what most people overlook.
2. I am genuine in everything I do.
3. I am strong.
4. I am an empathetic listener.
5. I am a giving and thoughtful friend.Geez… that feels weird but good. Haha! It’s funny: you mentioned me being a “teacher” – that made me think of several moments where I “accidentally” taught my friends something.
A few months ago, when I was still working in my lab, I had a high school mentee working under me. We had to wait an hour for an experiment to run, and we started a deep talk about faith:
Her: Do you believe in God?
Me: [lights up] I sure do! Thank you so much for asking me that. It’s so rare that anyone asks me that. Especially in this lab environment.
Her: I grew up Catholic. I want to believe in God, but I just don’t think I can.
Me: I get it. Christians believe some pretty crazy things, and this world is pretty messed up. What’s the hardest thing about the faith for you to wrap your head around? I can’t promise I have an answer for it; I’m just genuinely curious.
Her: I feel like people use God as an excuse to explain the unknown without actually thinking deeply about it. Like if they don’t know something…they just say “Oh it’s God” and call it a day.
Me: GIRL… most of my college buddies do that. I HATE THAT TOO! This is just my perspective, but I see God more in the things that are known than in the things that are unknown. Take this experiment we’re doing, for example… I run experiments like this often, and when I get the results back, I think to myself, “Wow… the God I serve has a mind that is similar to ours, because we are made in His image! He is able to be understood (at least partially) by us!” Science is literally probing into the mind of God, and His relatability in that way strengthens my faith.
Her: WOW… I never thought of it that way!Fast forward a few months later… she texted me and shared her college essay – it was based entirely on that conversation, how my perspective opened her up to the possibility of meaning existing beyond what we can see!! That was a total accident; I was NOT trying to preach to her or get her to convert (I’m very careful with how I talk about my faith because no one likes the obnoxious Christian who tries to convert everyone)! I was SOOOOOOOOO humbled.
My friends also flock to me for boy advice (even my married friends!). I’ve never had a true boyfriend, but for every piece of wisdom I’ve gained from my guy that I’ve shared them, from not taking little things personally to inviting the guy to meet their needs, they are like “Oh my gosh I’m definitely trying that; that’s so smart!”
I share all this to say that what I want to share with the world is similar to what I shared with the people I love, like my mentee and my friends… I want to share my “different” perspectives that I formed from my lived experience: dealing with a stutter, healing from parental abuse, and falling for a respectful, supportive, incredible man. I want people to know that they deserve to be loved and respected – by God, by family, by friends, by potential partners – simply because they exist (and I’m learning to include myself in that, too). I may be young and still have a lot to learn, but I feel like I do have a great deal of wisdom for a 20-something, and if it helped my loved ones, maybe it’s worth sharing with the world around me.
So sorry this is so long! Thank you for helping me connect with my greatness; I didn’t realize how badly I needed that.
Dang…this is the hardest homework assignment I’ve had in a long time! (I’ve been doing computer programming exercises over the past few days for class so that’s saying something… HAHAHA!) I suppose one could call me strong because I left my hometown to better myself. My guy did it too, and I think he’s one of the strongest people I know because of that – if I call him strong, then I guess I need to call myself that, too. I’m seeing for myself that this is NOT for the faint of heart.
On top of that, I struggle with a severe speech impediment that could easily keep me in my apartment all day. Even so, I do the best I can to overcome my fears, interact with others, and establish strong connections. Every sentence is a battle, but when necessary, I speak anyway.
I guess I would be worth getting to know because I do NOTHING arbitrarily, nor do I say anything arbitrarily. With a stutter that makes talking feel exhausting, why would I waste energy saying something I do not mean with all of my heart?! I am always honest but gentle with my loved ones, and I seem to be appreciated for that. I notice what they need, often without them even saying a word, and I do whatever I can to provide it for them.
I think that exercise was so hard because these things are unconscious to me. When I do these things, I don’t see strength; I just see me surviving. It takes deep digging – like that – for me to really recognize, “Oh crap, I really do have a bit of strength in me, don’t I?”.
I make no qualms about sometimes having unrealistic expectations for the little girl within me, expectations that are really hard for her to meet because… well, she’s a little girl. That’s probably happening now. I can think I should be walking up to strangers and chatting up a storm, and when that does not happen (for obvious reasons – I’m scared, I don’t know anyone, my stutter has become more severe, etc.), I get frustrated. I know I shouldn’t be, and I’m trying to cut myself some slack. I wish I was superwoman, but I am definitely not… I have to be okay with that.
I do have a question. Where is the balance between cutting myself slack and loving myself through this but also pushing myself to be in uncomfortable situations? I NEVER want to stagnate, but I also want to be respectful of my limits and not unintentionally burn myself out. How can I find that balance?
Also – I did go to the gym yesterday; I’m super sore today hahaha. I’m going to do that regularly; it did help me feel better.
Thank you for your honesty and input. I appreciate it so much!
So sorry to respond so late! I love the idea of naming my home. This apartment is my safe haven. It is FULLY mine (I live by myself; no roommates), so it is as warm and welcoming as I need it to be. I think I would name it “Hope” – hope is really what this home embodies to me.
I so appreciate your encouragement. I wish I felt as strong as you said I was…loneliness is definitely setting in. Classes have been generally fine, but I feel a bit out of place. Most of the people in my program know each other already from last semester; I’m joining a little late in the spring, so that’s challenging. I’m sure that feeling will fade as time goes on, but right now it is really hard.
I talked to my guy a couple of nights ago; we caught up for a half hour. He was SUPER chatty; it was just wonderful to hear his voice and bounce some things off each other. He’s been super busy with school, but he has still been so encouraging and supportive throughout these changes –
Me: Honestly, this has been really hard. Everyone knows each other… and then there’s me, the weirdo new girl sitting in the back just existing.
Him: That’s gotta be tough. If I may encourage you, though…try to put yourself in situations where you HAVE to talk to others. You can just sit back and hope people approach you, but that is never guaranteed.
Me: You’re absolutely right. I DO want to take advantage of those situations, especially as I become more adjusted to this new routine. And if there aren’t any opportunities, you know me… I’ll make my own!
[We keep chatting, sharing, venting…all the things]
Me: [toward the end of our call] I’ll leave you alone; I know you have an exam in a few days you need to study for and I don’t want to take any more of your time!
Him: No, it’s fine – you’re worth it! It was wonderful to talk to you again.
Me: I LOVED talking to you as well. I miss you.
Him: Aw…likewise.
Me: Oh, before you go, I wanted to thank you “in person” for being so generous with your words during this transition, especially knowing how busy you have been. It really means a lot to me!
Him: Of course! You can always text me anytime. I’m here for you. It’s never any trouble.I’m crying as I’m typing this out. I miss him, I miss my friends, I miss my family…I honestly feel really alone. I promised myself that I would get into good habits when I got here (working out, going for walks, keeping busy, etc.), and even though I’ve been walking a little, I’m struggling to build those habits. Is that normal during a change like this?
I so appreciate your investment in my journey; it means a whole lot. Any advice you have for me as I adjust would be so welcomed and appreciated!
Hi, Heidi!
Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry to respond so late. I just finished moving into my new apartment and said goodbye to my family; I start classes tomorrow. I’m finally catching my breath and can send you an update!
I’m feeling all the feels right now. Part of me is thrilled to finally have my own apartment and start a new journey (my apartment is GORGEOUS – my grandmother called it a “palace” and that nickname has just stuck!), but another part of me is really scared. I do have a childhood friend in the area, but I don’t know a soul at school. I had orientation last week, and I pretty much bolted after the presentations – I could have stayed for a resource fair, but I just didn’t have it in me. I was the only student in my major there, so I felt kind of alone. Needless to say, I am SO excited to meet fellow science nerds in my classes!
My guy and I are still going strong. He has been so wonderful and so generous with his words. I typically text all of my friends on Christmas just to wish them a wonderful day and connect, and he was the only person who beat me to it… we went back and forth and it was just lovely. He’s called me a “beautiful soul” a couple times now.
I reached out to him on my last day of work (my mom was actually the one to suggest I do this, believe it or not – she has really come around!) to ask for some words of encouragement as I prepare to move and start this new chapter. And this man… he immediately wrote back a 5-page essay with citations (haha)! He has experience in moving somewhere new to pursue better things, so he shared some lessons he learned and how even though it was a huge risk coming here, he gained enough that it was worth it. And at the end he said, “Among all of it there’s you… just uniquely you. And there is no amount of [his home state], [my home state], PhDs, grants, or experiments that will ever be able to replace you.” I cried. A lot. I’ve got a phone date with him this weekend to catch up more in-depth… I’m so excited to hear his sweet voice!
I honestly thought I would feel much more sad and afraid starting this chapter than I do now. I’m very nervous, sure, but I feel a lot of peace knowing this is where I’m supposed to be. I hope to push myself a little more each day in terms of meeting people around me, getting into a healthy routine, and enjoying this time. I feel like my two and a half years at work and my conversations with you have prepared me well for what’s coming!
Thank you for reaching out. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season! At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I so appreciate your time and investment in my journey – you are a HUGE reason why I have come this far!
Oh my goodness, forgive me for the delayed reply! Thank you so much for your insights; all of that makes sense and was very helpful.
That’s good to know about the tuning forks. I’m definitely open to trying it, especially knowing those side effects are rare. I’ll have to poke around and find a good one to start with, and tapping might be a very effective modality, too. All of this gives me hope that I don’t have to be stuck in fight-or-flight mode; I really hope at least one of techniques will be effective for me!
And sorry I didn’t explain the restaurant incident super well! Essentially, the restaurant was a place my guy and I went to for lunch on special occasions. Or if one (or both) of us had a rough week; we’d go up to the other one and be like “You’re not okay. Get up; we’re going to [our place] for lunch.” When I went with my family a couple weeks ago, I remembered some of those moments, and they warmed my heart (hence the feels). But what made me shut down was the story running through my mind that I am not safe to honor those memories. Feeling the emotions is one thing, but as I felt the glares from my family and felt pressure to suppress those emotions, that’s when I knew I needed to go to the restroom and recalibrate myself. (I think they were annoyed because they just wanted to have a happy, carefree dinner and I was ruining the vibe; the NERVE of me…ugh. Definitely a withdrawal moment.) I appreciate your kind words and encouragement! I hate that I had to do that, but sometimes I just have to.
My mom actually confronted me after the dinner, and although I was very resistant at first, we ended up having a very candid conversation about why I shut down, how I feel unsafe sharing these things with everyone, the glares were extremely hurtful, etc. She listened to me very well – she sincerely apologized and offered to take me back there for lunch and hold space for me to honor the time I shared with my guy. We went last week, and when I got a bit teary as I shared one of our memories, she grabbed my hand and said, “Hey, it’s okay to miss him. He is clearly special to you, and I completely understand why.”
THAT was what I needed, and I told her that. That was definitely a deposit in my soul bank! Obviously, I cannot rely on my family to consistently respond that way (and that’s okay), but when I get lucky and they do, I ALWAYS express extreme gratitude to at least try to encourage it. At least I am learning how to meet those need for myself if/when I need to.
Thank you so much for sharing that thought stopping strategy; I’m definitely going to try that when I get overly stressed again. I swear, sometimes I feel like my reptilian brain is chronically active… I love the idea of sorta tricking it into thinking positive thoughts by repeating them super-fast, haha. I try to be there for myself and add to my soul bank in little ways daily, whether it’s going on a walk during lunch, connecting with my gal pals, taking a bath, or watching stupid cartoons. I probably need to up the ante a little bit, and I definitely will, especially with the upcoming family chaos of the holidays (fun chaos, but still chaos…haha!).
Side note: I ended up taking a picture of the restaurant after my lunch with my mom and texting it to my guy saying that it wasn’t the same eating there without him, haha. We went back and forth a bit, and yesterday he almost made me cry as we wished each other happy Thanksgiving – he said I was a “beautiful soul” and that “the world should be thankful to have me around.” He needs to stop being so sweet or I’m gonna blow all of my grad school money booking a trip to see him…hahaha! Yet another deposit… a pretty big one I might add.
By the way, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your loved ones! I am so very thankful for you and for your joining my healing journey. Your wisdom and advice is so greatly appreciated!
Yes, you sure did give me a lot to research! Hahaha. I really appreciate all of your insight!
I did a little research on the tuning forks, and I’m wondering if you know anyone who has personally used them and what experience they had…? I’m asking because I saw that dizziness is a possible side effect, and given that I fainted after trying fascia release, I am very hesitant to try anything that might trigger an episode of syncope.
And I appreciate your advice about talking to my fear and breathing a different way. I actually had to do that yesterday at dinner with my family, and it worked fairly well. They chose the restaurant that my guy and I went to for lunch on special occasions to go to for dinner, and I warned my mother about this. So you would think when I get in my feels, they would know why and be nice about it. But no – instead I am bombarded with glares. So I had to go to the restroom, give myself a pep talk, and try box breathing. It helped, but it was also SO frustrating. I know this is just the way they are, but it is so hurtful. Suddenly I’m more excited than nervous to leave and start school, haha.
Yes; my family has met my guy on several occasions. The first time was at a Christmas party my mother’s client hosted, and my family immediately noticed our body language: they said we looked and acted like a couple. They did enjoy his company a lot it seemed; he got along great with them, too. They thought he was a sweet, thoughtful, quality guy, but his shyness really caught them off guard because they believe the guy is supposed to initiate. It took me a little while to really figure out that I should not be taking their advice if I wish to enjoy this man as much as I would like. We got together about once a month outside of work while he was here – we had some lovely dinners, we saw a tribute band here in our neighborhood, he met a few of my gal friends from college (they LOVED him for me; it was hilarious)…we did a lot together. I miss it. I miss him. I’m a little teary typing this all out. This is why I asked about “just because” texts – I want to keep this connection up in a noninvasive way. I don’t know if that makes sense; hopefully it does.
Thank you very much again for all of your input thus far. I’m all ears if you have any more!
Oh my goodness, I hate to be “that” person, but I am still not seeing the title; all I know is it has “psychic” in it…hahahahaha. Very strange; maybe I need a new computer LOL.
I sure hope it’s true that the fear will become a bit quieter as I keep cliff-jumping. When I get fear-sick, I wait it out and tell myself, “It’s okay, you’re just scared, this will pass once you do what needs to be done,” that type of thing. I’ve tried things like deep breathing and grounding to eliminate the physical symptoms (if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears!), but so far, nothing has been effective. So I will just talk myself through it and try to keep it in perspective as much as possible. It really is crippling, but I’ll be jumping cliffs practically every day in graduate school, so I better get used to it, haha. It sure is a journey!
And yes, that was exactly my train of thought with my guy! Test the waters and maybe build up to a longer visit if all goes well. Just to give you an accurate picture: I think the longest we’ve spent together in-person is around 4-5 hours (my family and I took him paddleboarding a while back – that was SO MUCH FUN – and we’ve had a few 2-3-hour adventures outside of work, too), but yes, we have never spent an entire day together just the two of us. It would be wonderful and helpful for me to get to know him more in his realm; I could see it being so fun. We’ll have a lot to share!
As much as I would love to text/talk to him more often these days, our interactions have become more special and meaningful. We’ve had more to say to each other on our phone dates vs. seeing him every day at work and saying a few things at lunch, and I love that. But I did want to ask something, because I’m not really good at fun, silly “just because” texts. Knowing what you know about me, my guy, and our friendship/relationship, do you think it would be a good idea to try that with him, and if so, would you perhaps have any tips or ideas? I’m probably overthinking a bit (sometimes I’m guilty of treating human interaction like a math problem that I can’t solve; I think that’s the ASD talking hahaha), but I would value your feedback tremendously!
Thank you for asking about school and family, too! Yes, I will be moving out of the house; my graduate school is about a 3.5 hour drive from my family. Not at all a crazy-long distance, but it will be the farthest I’ve ever been from them. Part of me is like “OMG YES GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE”, and another part of me is scared because I’ll have to build a social network there from scratch. With my severe speech impediment, that is a very hard thing to do. I’m sure it’s hard for everyone to some degree, but it is especially hard for me. I like to consider myself a very warm, amiable person, but it takes me a while to really let people in, especially when I’m away from everything I know and love. I was that way even with my guy at first. So I’m a little worried about how that’s gonna go, but I’m sure it’ll get easier as I get used to it.
Regarding my family, it actually has been a little better. I feel like I have distanced my sense of autonomy and self-worth from their opinions enough to be a bit more grounded. I still share “safe” things because I value my connections with them, but I do not share things about my guy much anymore to protect my heart. It felt very weird at first; it’s hard to keep those things to myself because they are such an important part of my life. But through it, I’ve been learning to tune into my intuition and trust myself more, and it has also been SO helpful to have an outlet to discuss that stuff here, so thank you again!
Yeah, I’m definitely a little bummed too…but hopefully another time it will work out. I might actually postpone my West Coast adventure anyway due to the travel craziness and flight delays/cancellations. I will not have classes on Thursdays or Fridays this spring, so maybe can finagle a long weekend escape to see my besties (and my boy haha).
Yes, the conversation with my guy flowed VERY nicely. He was very involved in our chat – he volunteered a few stories and updates about his new job, he was very encouraging as I shared how hard and lonely my work has been (“Hey – better things are coming; January will be here before you know it! It’s going to be a great experience, so hang in there!”), we laughed a lot and I could hear the happiness in his voice… it was very well-balanced. Our phone dates were indeed shorter at first, I think because it was new territory for us and because I felt nervous about “bothering” him (I know, I know…*fear-based response alert!* I still struggle a bit with that, but not nearly as badly). Each phone date has been longer than the last one, so I do feel like there has been good movement with us! (When he was here, much of our interactions were short and sweet as we worked in different areas of the lab, but about once a week we’d have a wonderfully long conversation at lunch. And the conversation almost always flowed naturally when we got together outside of work as well.)
And wow, I didn’t realize how nuanced my question was… haha. But it certainly makes sense as to why it is so complex. From your descriptions, I’d say that clairsentient and claircognizant are my strongest channels. When you first suggested talking to my guy about visiting, I had this unexplainable feeling that doing so would be a positive experience. Something was telling me that he would be thrilled to see me, even if this particular time doesn’t work (I think I even got an image in my head of us chatting about it on the phone and the idea being well-received – so maybe a hint of clairvoyance too). My intuition immediately gave me the green light, and I felt a kind of bold peace about it, if that makes sense.
But as the time to plant the seed grew closer, the fear began to speak, and for me, when fear starts talking… I become physically sick. After I finally texted him, I had several awful nightmares, I could not eat, and my stomach was in a lot of pain as I waited for his call. Fear quite literally cripples my body, while my intuition, it seems, is quietly assertive. And your explanation for this makes perfect sense – the fear voice is based on the prospect that the past will repeat itself, whereas the intuitive voice is grounded in the present.
In the moment, it is so easy for fear to drown out my intuition because fear is VERY loud for me (I think part of that is due to an anxiety disorder I have struggled with for a while). Hence, it is a lot easier for me to make decisions like that well in advance, before fear has an opportunity to yell at me (haha), and I can really hear my intuition. But I know that isn’t always going to be possible for me, so I appreciate your input about releasing the tension from the body and practicing using my intuitive voices on “small” decisions to get to know them a bit better. I’ll definitely try that out over the next few days.
Your explanations were extremely helpful! Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom with me!
P.S. – what is the title of the book you recommend? I’d love to check it out but I think I missed the title somehow hahaha
Hi, Heidi!
First of all, your last message made me cry. In the BEST POSSIBLE WAY. Thank you for being so invested in my journey; it means more to me than you know! (I LOVE that I inspired a happy dance hahahaha)
So I just talked to my guy…for half an hour! That’s a new record, haha. I guess he won’t be home when I was thinking of going to see him – first week of December he’ll be in New York with a friend, and the second week of December is his brother’s birthday so he’ll be with him in another country. He said he would keep me updated if something changes, but obviously, I’ll assume otherwise. (He is so funny – he said, “But hey, if you decide to stop in [his hometown] anyway, I’d highly recommend seeing XYZ.” He has NO IDEA that I was only interested in seeing him…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Honestly, I feel NO PAIN. Only peace. I jumped off this cliff and even though it likely will not work out to see him this time around, it was still a very positive experience! He still was super sweet and supportive of my decision to go to grad school, asked questions and provided insight, we shared ALL the updates, etc. NOTHING shifted between us, even though I was as blunt and bold as I could be! We also exchanged “I miss you”s – that always feels good to hear from him.
Hopefully I’ll be able to go out and see him another time, maybe spring break or something. I may still go see my other friends in December, even though that would be VERY expensive. I got some decisions to make in that department…
Either way, THANK YOU for even planting the seed of possibility of me visiting him. I didn’t think I had the strength to face my fear of trying to make that happen, but you encouraged me to do it anyway. I meant what I said – I COULD NOT have done this without you! And now I know I can possibly jump this cliff again in the future and I WILL be okay no matter what!
I feel POWERFUL again. I listened to my gut and trusted myself over other people, and it DID NOT FAIL ME! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
While I am here, I did want to ask you something. As I was preparing to send him my thoughts on seeing him, I felt very conflicted, as I said. It was hard to tell if that hesitation was fear lying to me or my gut telling me to stop dead in my tracks. Eventually I pushed through it, but for future reference, how can you tell the difference between those two voices?
THANK YOU again. It is so hard to put my extreme gratitude into words, but please know how much your input, support, and encouragement are valued and appreciated!!!!!!
I cannot thank you enough for your kind words, Heidi, and for being there for me to lean on!
I *officially* jumped off the cliff – I just texted him to confirm our phone date and share my thoughts about visiting him, and honestly, I feel absolutely PETRIFIED. And it’s so silly; it shouldn’t change things much because it’s not like I’m asking to see him for a week. It’s just the unknown, and I don’t want our relationship to change if for whatever reason he cannot see me. But at the same time, I cannot shrink myself to fit a relationship; that’s not fair to me. So I’m trying to speak logic over my heart and keep the situation in perspective, but that extreme fear is still there. Is that normal, or is it a sign that I have some serious work to do on myself (or both)? Maybe part of it is because my support system is going through major changes, as you said, and this is the first cliff-jump I’ve done under those changes. It is REALLY hard. It took me 20 minutes to finally hit send, and my fingers are still shaky!
As frightened as I am, I have to believe that it will be worth it, whether it’s a yes or a no. ESPECIALLY if it’s a yes! He truly is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and seeing him again would be SUCH A TREAT. If it works out, I would just be so excited to see him in his hometown. He’s seen me in mine, but it would be a whole new experience for me to see his! I have never been to that part of the country before. Hopefully we can spend at least a full day together, try some of his favorite restaurants, see some of his favorite spots… and just soak up his sweet, safe, manly presence. And it would be Christmastime when I see him, so maybe there will be some fun Christmas-y things to do, too… and it will actually feel like Christmas (I live somewhere where 70 degrees is considered freezing cold hahahahaha).
Ayeayeaye, I’m sorry for the stream of consciousness. I needed to get that out and see for myself that the potential reward of jumping off this cliff is MORE THAN WORTH the risk of embarrassment/hurt.
Thank you again for your support and encouragement throughout this journey. YOU are the reason I was able to summon the strength to ask him for a visit! I couldn’t have done this without you!
I love that, on all counts! That feels very natural to me. I appreciate your help forming the perfect text haha. I think sometimes I unintentionally restrict myself as a safety mechanism (like calling him my work pal and saying it’d just be for a full day); I gotta stop doing that. He needs to know where my head and heart are, and if it’s a no, fair enough, but at least I can sleep at night knowing I put it all out there in a reasonable, approachable way. I feel like this is a “final exam” of sorts – testing everything I’ve learned from you and from him. I hope I “pass!”
And I appreciate your advice on what to say to my mom. And it’s all absolutely true! It’s all exciting stuff, but indeed, it IS a lot. I’ll try to be patient with myself, too, as I adapt to a new kind of relationship with her and the rest of my family.
I did finally hear from him; we set a catch-up date for Friday after work. I am very nervous but very excited! I’ll let you know what happens after we chat. My fingers and toes are crossed! Thank you for your support and encouragement as I prepare to jump off the cliff!
Thank you so much for that insight; that all makes sense. I appreciate your encouragement and reassurance! I guess I’ll have to keep listening to my gut and deal with my family accordingly. Lately I’ve been feeling extra vulnerable as I really miss my guy, so I’m not sharing nearly as much as I typically do. I think they’re picking up on it (my mom keeps asking what’s wrong and I keep dodging it LOL), and I hate that I have to close off that part of myself. It sure is a loss, but I have to do what I have to do to protect myself. Hopefully I’ll eventually grow stronger in my self-love and acceptance enough to be able to shrug off their opinions.
You make a great point about giving my guy a heads-up before chatting with him. I don’t want to put him on the spot! It does scare me a bit, because he is not exactly good at texting me (he’ll take 2-3 business days to get back to me, which I am typically fine with, but the waiting is harder to cope with when I share something that vulnerable). But I have to get over that and be secure in myself and what I’m asking, because in reality, it’s not too much. Maybe I say something like this once he responds to my voice text…?
“[XYZ date/time] sounds great! I am so excited to talk to you again. Also, I didn’t mention this in my voice text because it was just an idea at the time, but after talking to [my work gal pals], I’m planning a trip to the West Coast – likely the first or second week of December – to make my rounds and see them before I start school. But while I’m over there, I want to see ALL of my old work pals… including you! I would love to stop in [his hometown] and see you before I go see them, just for one full day on a weekend. Do you think that would be possible? We can discuss during our catchup call; just wanted to plant the seed. Either way, I can’t wait to hear your voice and exchange updates!”
That’s probably too long-winded; I’m a very wordy person, hahaha. Your input and guidance thus far has been so greatly appreciated!
Wow. I’m speechless…in a good way. That’s a really good point. I’ve been a hypocrite by doing the very thing that my family has been doing: not accepting them exactly where they are at. I feel terrible!
I think it was really rough on me that things shifted with my family during a very vulnerable time, when my guy moved away. I felt very afraid and alone (and although I am much better, those feelings still creep in from time to time), and that caused me to try to make them support me how I needed to be supported, so I wouldn’t have to alter my trust in them. Not to say that any of this justifies my behavior, but the saying really is true: hurt people, hurt people. But now I see that it really isn’t fair of me to try to change them. I don’t want them to “fix” me, and I shouldn’t be “fixing” them either. I can suggest things maybe, but if they don’t implement them, I do need to let go. Sharing vulnerable things with them carries the risk of them trying to “fix” me and my “wrong” way of seeing things – I guess that’s just the way it is, although it’s so sad.
I had to do some similar things with my dad too (he is a narcissist as well; fun fun fun…), and that was easier to accept because I didn’t WANT to share anything with him – he acted like a jerk to me! This is a lot harder because I have been so close to my family for as long as I can remember, and they have been in my inner circle until this major heartbreak. They are truly wonderful people, people who I WANT to be in my life. But I’m also learning that they can be very hurtful, too, and I need boundaries to protect myself. Maybe I don’t share the super vulnerable stuff (like trying to see my guy) with them, like you did with your father. I’m not sure how well that will work; I may need to shift my strategy after a little while too, but I guess I could start there, put up a few boundaries, and still share other areas of my life and be authentic when it is safe. Thank you for revealing that blind spot to me.
What a story you shared. I have to ask: What did your therapist mean by “you failed”? As in you failed to change your father I assume? Sorry if that’s too personal of a question; you don’t have to answer it if so.
Update with my guy: I am running full speed toward the cliff and getting ready to jump! I sent him a voice text yesterday to schedule a phone date within the coming week. I said I was accepted into grad school, getting ready to move, etc. and want to catch up and get some advice on a few things (this will be my first time away from home, so I am eager to hear his strategies for saving money, dealing with missing family, etc.). I plan to ask to visit him while I’m on the phone so he hears my tone of voice and if anything gets misconstrued, I can clear it up immediately. I am excited, nervous, all the things… I will let you know what happens after I catch up with him! I’m going to need all the help I can get…prayers, positive manifestations, whatever speaks to you most…pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease and thank youuuuuuuuuuuu!
Holy cow…I really needed to hear everything you said. Sometimes I spiral in fear a little (and by a little, I mean a lot – haha) and need to be brought back down to earth. I cannot thank you enough for doing that!
I think my mom’s upset came down to a few things: gender roles, “if he liked you, he’d do XYZ and he clearly hasn’t” (cue eye roll), and definitely protection, too. At one point she said “I want to protect your dignity” and I’m thinking “Ma’am – my dignity is stronger than you think it is, thank you very much!” She said she would support me no matter what, but I certainly did not feel that from her.
I think the powerless feeling comes from having such a different way of seeing things than my family. I know they love me and try to respect my differences, but it honestly feels like sometimes – like you said – they think they know what’s best for me better than I do. It feels like they don’t trust me to do things in my own weird, quirky way, and that can be very hurtful. Especially when I have gotten my best results by following my heart.
My weird way of doing things got me far with someone who complements me very well. If I did things their way, he probably wouldn’t have responded as well, and more importantly, I wouldn’t have been operating from a place of authenticity. One of the biggest lessons my guy has taught me is to listen to my gut and be myself no matter the consequence. This is definitely an opportunity to put that lesson into practice, and I want to make the most of it and grow from it. I want to trust myself and be true to myself, even without my core people behind me. While it is very lonely and hurtful when they put their opinions above supporting me, I want to be strong enough to handle it and know in my heart that it is indeed a “them” issue, not a “me” issue.
It’s true – to me, the risk of rejection PALES in comparison to the chance to see my guy and make memories with him before I start school. That’s a risk I’m more than willing to take! And you make a great point about trusting him to say no if he needs to. He’s done that before, and while I was a bit embarrassed initially, I got over it quickly because I knew it was a sign that he felt safe enough to be honest. I was more grateful than anything else! Asking for what I want and being okay with a “no” is the same approach I took with him, against almost everyone’s opinion, and the result is something worth traveling across the country for!
It’s funny, I feel like everyone says “just be yourself” (and I think it really is that simple!), but it seems like it’s advice that is so rarely followed. It seems that so much hurt comes from feeling like you can’t be yourself. There are a lot of wounds in my family that I believe are rooted in that, and it breaks my heart. I want to be an example of self-love and healing and emotional freedom for them. For my brother (yes, I have seen that movie…hahaha! I will definitely use a safe word with him), my mom,…everyone. I love and value them so much, even though they frustrate the heck out of me sometimes, and I know they love and value me, too, even though their fear-based behavior doesn’t always reflect that. They obviously have to make the choice to heal themselves, but I wish I could help. Is this something you have experienced with loved ones? Do you have any input for me as to how to be present with them and model what healing looks like while staying grounded internally and not slipping into “wounded” habits?
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your guidance thus far. I think I’m gonna go for it!
Ahhhhhhh yes; I have heard of projection. That makes PERFECT sense. Indeed, my brother is more sensitive than your average guy, but he is MUCH more covert about his sensitivity than I am. We grew up with an emotionally abusive father, and he treated my brother and me abominably. My brother just “let it roll off him” (while I was very openly upset and not okay with what was happening), but I know it affects him more than he thinks it does. When he mocks me, I often just ignore it, and if it really bothers me, I tell him. He does typically apologize about an hour after realizing he offended me, which I do appreciate. He’s not a bad guy; he just doesn’t honor his sensitivity (nor others’ LOL) in a healthy way.
I’d love to try modeling acceptance for him. I feel like he thinks he’s “less of a man” because of that sensitivity, and that is so sad to me. I still have my moments of insecurity about my sensitivity, too, but I do feel like I’ve progressed enough to show him what self-love looks like. Even if I just plant a seed, I’ve done my job as a sister.
I appreciate your help strategizing a little west coast getaway so much, and I agree; I’ll try a hint first, then come right out if/when he pulls a facepalm moment haha. But I’d love to get your opinion on something while I am here, if you don’t mind. As I try to organize this trip, I feel very unsupported by the people closest to me, and it is making me angry. I informed my family that I was going to try to see my friends on the west coast, and they were supportive. But the minute I mention asking my guy if I could stop in his neck of the woods and spend a day or two with him (which, in hindsight, was probably a mistake), that’s apparently a terrible idea. I felt like it was a double-standard, so I asked my mom, “Okay, this is really bothering me. Why is it okay for me to ask the girls if I can come see them, but it’s not okay to ask my guy if I can see him?!” Her answer was, “Because you two have a different relationship. You can hint at making your rounds on the west coast, but coming out and asking to see him is a big mistake.”
Side note: I think I shared this in an earlier message, but I actually mentioned to him before he left that I’d love to stop in his neck of the woods when I travel to the west coast, and he said, “Wait but why would you do that? That’s a detour!” (His responses really are funny and indeed quite endearing) Obviously I had to clarify and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO FREAKING SEE YOU” for him to get the memo. Hinting alone will not work, and my family knows that.
Anyhoo – see, I feel like her answer is the biggest load of BS I’ve ever heard in my life. Yes, my guy is obviously a boy and not a girl, but he is still my friend, first and foremost. As much as I miss my gal pals too, I would give ANYTHING to see him again. While I generally respect traditional gender roles, I feel like they keep me down by not allowing me to do anything about my desire to see him. I HATE that feeling of powerlessness, and I hate even more than the people I am closest to are perpetuating that feeling.
But even so, the last thing I would ever want is to impose on my guy unintentionally. I would be MORTIFIED if I ever did that. So I guess my question is this: do you think being blunt with my guy would put him in an awkward position and do more harm than good? I’d like to think you wouldn’t have suggested it if you didn’t think I could get away with it, but I wanted to confirm that before I schedule a phone date with my guy to get this ball rolling. I value your perspective immensely and want to ensure I approach this in the most respectful way possible.
Thank you so much in advance for any input you can offer me!
