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Yes, you sure did give me a lot to research! Hahaha. I really appreciate all of your insight!
I did a little research on the tuning forks, and I’m wondering if you know anyone who has personally used them and what experience they had…? I’m asking because I saw that dizziness is a possible side effect, and given that I fainted after trying fascia release, I am very hesitant to try anything that might trigger an episode of syncope.
And I appreciate your advice about talking to my fear and breathing a different way. I actually had to do that yesterday at dinner with my family, and it worked fairly well. They chose the restaurant that my guy and I went to for lunch on special occasions to go to for dinner, and I warned my mother about this. So you would think when I get in my feels, they would know why and be nice about it. But no – instead I am bombarded with glares. So I had to go to the restroom, give myself a pep talk, and try box breathing. It helped, but it was also SO frustrating. I know this is just the way they are, but it is so hurtful. Suddenly I’m more excited than nervous to leave and start school, haha.
Yes; my family has met my guy on several occasions. The first time was at a Christmas party my mother’s client hosted, and my family immediately noticed our body language: they said we looked and acted like a couple. They did enjoy his company a lot it seemed; he got along great with them, too. They thought he was a sweet, thoughtful, quality guy, but his shyness really caught them off guard because they believe the guy is supposed to initiate. It took me a little while to really figure out that I should not be taking their advice if I wish to enjoy this man as much as I would like. We got together about once a month outside of work while he was here – we had some lovely dinners, we saw a tribute band here in our neighborhood, he met a few of my gal friends from college (they LOVED him for me; it was hilarious)…we did a lot together. I miss it. I miss him. I’m a little teary typing this all out. This is why I asked about “just because” texts – I want to keep this connection up in a noninvasive way. I don’t know if that makes sense; hopefully it does.
Thank you very much again for all of your input thus far. I’m all ears if you have any more!
Oh my goodness, I hate to be “that” person, but I am still not seeing the title; all I know is it has “psychic” in it…hahahahaha. Very strange; maybe I need a new computer LOL.
I sure hope it’s true that the fear will become a bit quieter as I keep cliff-jumping. When I get fear-sick, I wait it out and tell myself, “It’s okay, you’re just scared, this will pass once you do what needs to be done,” that type of thing. I’ve tried things like deep breathing and grounding to eliminate the physical symptoms (if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears!), but so far, nothing has been effective. So I will just talk myself through it and try to keep it in perspective as much as possible. It really is crippling, but I’ll be jumping cliffs practically every day in graduate school, so I better get used to it, haha. It sure is a journey!
And yes, that was exactly my train of thought with my guy! Test the waters and maybe build up to a longer visit if all goes well. Just to give you an accurate picture: I think the longest we’ve spent together in-person is around 4-5 hours (my family and I took him paddleboarding a while back – that was SO MUCH FUN – and we’ve had a few 2-3-hour adventures outside of work, too), but yes, we have never spent an entire day together just the two of us. It would be wonderful and helpful for me to get to know him more in his realm; I could see it being so fun. We’ll have a lot to share!
As much as I would love to text/talk to him more often these days, our interactions have become more special and meaningful. We’ve had more to say to each other on our phone dates vs. seeing him every day at work and saying a few things at lunch, and I love that. But I did want to ask something, because I’m not really good at fun, silly “just because” texts. Knowing what you know about me, my guy, and our friendship/relationship, do you think it would be a good idea to try that with him, and if so, would you perhaps have any tips or ideas? I’m probably overthinking a bit (sometimes I’m guilty of treating human interaction like a math problem that I can’t solve; I think that’s the ASD talking hahaha), but I would value your feedback tremendously!
Thank you for asking about school and family, too! Yes, I will be moving out of the house; my graduate school is about a 3.5 hour drive from my family. Not at all a crazy-long distance, but it will be the farthest I’ve ever been from them. Part of me is like “OMG YES GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE”, and another part of me is scared because I’ll have to build a social network there from scratch. With my severe speech impediment, that is a very hard thing to do. I’m sure it’s hard for everyone to some degree, but it is especially hard for me. I like to consider myself a very warm, amiable person, but it takes me a while to really let people in, especially when I’m away from everything I know and love. I was that way even with my guy at first. So I’m a little worried about how that’s gonna go, but I’m sure it’ll get easier as I get used to it.
Regarding my family, it actually has been a little better. I feel like I have distanced my sense of autonomy and self-worth from their opinions enough to be a bit more grounded. I still share “safe” things because I value my connections with them, but I do not share things about my guy much anymore to protect my heart. It felt very weird at first; it’s hard to keep those things to myself because they are such an important part of my life. But through it, I’ve been learning to tune into my intuition and trust myself more, and it has also been SO helpful to have an outlet to discuss that stuff here, so thank you again!
Yeah, I’m definitely a little bummed too…but hopefully another time it will work out. I might actually postpone my West Coast adventure anyway due to the travel craziness and flight delays/cancellations. I will not have classes on Thursdays or Fridays this spring, so maybe can finagle a long weekend escape to see my besties (and my boy haha).
Yes, the conversation with my guy flowed VERY nicely. He was very involved in our chat – he volunteered a few stories and updates about his new job, he was very encouraging as I shared how hard and lonely my work has been (“Hey – better things are coming; January will be here before you know it! It’s going to be a great experience, so hang in there!”), we laughed a lot and I could hear the happiness in his voice… it was very well-balanced. Our phone dates were indeed shorter at first, I think because it was new territory for us and because I felt nervous about “bothering” him (I know, I know…*fear-based response alert!* I still struggle a bit with that, but not nearly as badly). Each phone date has been longer than the last one, so I do feel like there has been good movement with us! (When he was here, much of our interactions were short and sweet as we worked in different areas of the lab, but about once a week we’d have a wonderfully long conversation at lunch. And the conversation almost always flowed naturally when we got together outside of work as well.)
And wow, I didn’t realize how nuanced my question was… haha. But it certainly makes sense as to why it is so complex. From your descriptions, I’d say that clairsentient and claircognizant are my strongest channels. When you first suggested talking to my guy about visiting, I had this unexplainable feeling that doing so would be a positive experience. Something was telling me that he would be thrilled to see me, even if this particular time doesn’t work (I think I even got an image in my head of us chatting about it on the phone and the idea being well-received – so maybe a hint of clairvoyance too). My intuition immediately gave me the green light, and I felt a kind of bold peace about it, if that makes sense.
But as the time to plant the seed grew closer, the fear began to speak, and for me, when fear starts talking… I become physically sick. After I finally texted him, I had several awful nightmares, I could not eat, and my stomach was in a lot of pain as I waited for his call. Fear quite literally cripples my body, while my intuition, it seems, is quietly assertive. And your explanation for this makes perfect sense – the fear voice is based on the prospect that the past will repeat itself, whereas the intuitive voice is grounded in the present.
In the moment, it is so easy for fear to drown out my intuition because fear is VERY loud for me (I think part of that is due to an anxiety disorder I have struggled with for a while). Hence, it is a lot easier for me to make decisions like that well in advance, before fear has an opportunity to yell at me (haha), and I can really hear my intuition. But I know that isn’t always going to be possible for me, so I appreciate your input about releasing the tension from the body and practicing using my intuitive voices on “small” decisions to get to know them a bit better. I’ll definitely try that out over the next few days.
Your explanations were extremely helpful! Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom with me!
P.S. – what is the title of the book you recommend? I’d love to check it out but I think I missed the title somehow hahaha
Hi, Heidi!
First of all, your last message made me cry. In the BEST POSSIBLE WAY. Thank you for being so invested in my journey; it means more to me than you know! (I LOVE that I inspired a happy dance hahahaha)
So I just talked to my guy…for half an hour! That’s a new record, haha. I guess he won’t be home when I was thinking of going to see him – first week of December he’ll be in New York with a friend, and the second week of December is his brother’s birthday so he’ll be with him in another country. He said he would keep me updated if something changes, but obviously, I’ll assume otherwise. (He is so funny – he said, “But hey, if you decide to stop in [his hometown] anyway, I’d highly recommend seeing XYZ.” He has NO IDEA that I was only interested in seeing him…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
Honestly, I feel NO PAIN. Only peace. I jumped off this cliff and even though it likely will not work out to see him this time around, it was still a very positive experience! He still was super sweet and supportive of my decision to go to grad school, asked questions and provided insight, we shared ALL the updates, etc. NOTHING shifted between us, even though I was as blunt and bold as I could be! We also exchanged “I miss you”s – that always feels good to hear from him.
Hopefully I’ll be able to go out and see him another time, maybe spring break or something. I may still go see my other friends in December, even though that would be VERY expensive. I got some decisions to make in that department…
Either way, THANK YOU for even planting the seed of possibility of me visiting him. I didn’t think I had the strength to face my fear of trying to make that happen, but you encouraged me to do it anyway. I meant what I said – I COULD NOT have done this without you! And now I know I can possibly jump this cliff again in the future and I WILL be okay no matter what!
I feel POWERFUL again. I listened to my gut and trusted myself over other people, and it DID NOT FAIL ME! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
While I am here, I did want to ask you something. As I was preparing to send him my thoughts on seeing him, I felt very conflicted, as I said. It was hard to tell if that hesitation was fear lying to me or my gut telling me to stop dead in my tracks. Eventually I pushed through it, but for future reference, how can you tell the difference between those two voices?
THANK YOU again. It is so hard to put my extreme gratitude into words, but please know how much your input, support, and encouragement are valued and appreciated!!!!!!
I cannot thank you enough for your kind words, Heidi, and for being there for me to lean on!
I *officially* jumped off the cliff – I just texted him to confirm our phone date and share my thoughts about visiting him, and honestly, I feel absolutely PETRIFIED. And it’s so silly; it shouldn’t change things much because it’s not like I’m asking to see him for a week. It’s just the unknown, and I don’t want our relationship to change if for whatever reason he cannot see me. But at the same time, I cannot shrink myself to fit a relationship; that’s not fair to me. So I’m trying to speak logic over my heart and keep the situation in perspective, but that extreme fear is still there. Is that normal, or is it a sign that I have some serious work to do on myself (or both)? Maybe part of it is because my support system is going through major changes, as you said, and this is the first cliff-jump I’ve done under those changes. It is REALLY hard. It took me 20 minutes to finally hit send, and my fingers are still shaky!
As frightened as I am, I have to believe that it will be worth it, whether it’s a yes or a no. ESPECIALLY if it’s a yes! He truly is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and seeing him again would be SUCH A TREAT. If it works out, I would just be so excited to see him in his hometown. He’s seen me in mine, but it would be a whole new experience for me to see his! I have never been to that part of the country before. Hopefully we can spend at least a full day together, try some of his favorite restaurants, see some of his favorite spots… and just soak up his sweet, safe, manly presence. And it would be Christmastime when I see him, so maybe there will be some fun Christmas-y things to do, too… and it will actually feel like Christmas (I live somewhere where 70 degrees is considered freezing cold hahahahaha).
Ayeayeaye, I’m sorry for the stream of consciousness. I needed to get that out and see for myself that the potential reward of jumping off this cliff is MORE THAN WORTH the risk of embarrassment/hurt.
Thank you again for your support and encouragement throughout this journey. YOU are the reason I was able to summon the strength to ask him for a visit! I couldn’t have done this without you!
I love that, on all counts! That feels very natural to me. I appreciate your help forming the perfect text haha. I think sometimes I unintentionally restrict myself as a safety mechanism (like calling him my work pal and saying it’d just be for a full day); I gotta stop doing that. He needs to know where my head and heart are, and if it’s a no, fair enough, but at least I can sleep at night knowing I put it all out there in a reasonable, approachable way. I feel like this is a “final exam” of sorts – testing everything I’ve learned from you and from him. I hope I “pass!”
And I appreciate your advice on what to say to my mom. And it’s all absolutely true! It’s all exciting stuff, but indeed, it IS a lot. I’ll try to be patient with myself, too, as I adapt to a new kind of relationship with her and the rest of my family.
I did finally hear from him; we set a catch-up date for Friday after work. I am very nervous but very excited! I’ll let you know what happens after we chat. My fingers and toes are crossed! Thank you for your support and encouragement as I prepare to jump off the cliff!
Thank you so much for that insight; that all makes sense. I appreciate your encouragement and reassurance! I guess I’ll have to keep listening to my gut and deal with my family accordingly. Lately I’ve been feeling extra vulnerable as I really miss my guy, so I’m not sharing nearly as much as I typically do. I think they’re picking up on it (my mom keeps asking what’s wrong and I keep dodging it LOL), and I hate that I have to close off that part of myself. It sure is a loss, but I have to do what I have to do to protect myself. Hopefully I’ll eventually grow stronger in my self-love and acceptance enough to be able to shrug off their opinions.
You make a great point about giving my guy a heads-up before chatting with him. I don’t want to put him on the spot! It does scare me a bit, because he is not exactly good at texting me (he’ll take 2-3 business days to get back to me, which I am typically fine with, but the waiting is harder to cope with when I share something that vulnerable). But I have to get over that and be secure in myself and what I’m asking, because in reality, it’s not too much. Maybe I say something like this once he responds to my voice text…?
“[XYZ date/time] sounds great! I am so excited to talk to you again. Also, I didn’t mention this in my voice text because it was just an idea at the time, but after talking to [my work gal pals], I’m planning a trip to the West Coast – likely the first or second week of December – to make my rounds and see them before I start school. But while I’m over there, I want to see ALL of my old work pals… including you! I would love to stop in [his hometown] and see you before I go see them, just for one full day on a weekend. Do you think that would be possible? We can discuss during our catchup call; just wanted to plant the seed. Either way, I can’t wait to hear your voice and exchange updates!”
That’s probably too long-winded; I’m a very wordy person, hahaha. Your input and guidance thus far has been so greatly appreciated!
Wow. I’m speechless…in a good way. That’s a really good point. I’ve been a hypocrite by doing the very thing that my family has been doing: not accepting them exactly where they are at. I feel terrible!
I think it was really rough on me that things shifted with my family during a very vulnerable time, when my guy moved away. I felt very afraid and alone (and although I am much better, those feelings still creep in from time to time), and that caused me to try to make them support me how I needed to be supported, so I wouldn’t have to alter my trust in them. Not to say that any of this justifies my behavior, but the saying really is true: hurt people, hurt people. But now I see that it really isn’t fair of me to try to change them. I don’t want them to “fix” me, and I shouldn’t be “fixing” them either. I can suggest things maybe, but if they don’t implement them, I do need to let go. Sharing vulnerable things with them carries the risk of them trying to “fix” me and my “wrong” way of seeing things – I guess that’s just the way it is, although it’s so sad.
I had to do some similar things with my dad too (he is a narcissist as well; fun fun fun…), and that was easier to accept because I didn’t WANT to share anything with him – he acted like a jerk to me! This is a lot harder because I have been so close to my family for as long as I can remember, and they have been in my inner circle until this major heartbreak. They are truly wonderful people, people who I WANT to be in my life. But I’m also learning that they can be very hurtful, too, and I need boundaries to protect myself. Maybe I don’t share the super vulnerable stuff (like trying to see my guy) with them, like you did with your father. I’m not sure how well that will work; I may need to shift my strategy after a little while too, but I guess I could start there, put up a few boundaries, and still share other areas of my life and be authentic when it is safe. Thank you for revealing that blind spot to me.
What a story you shared. I have to ask: What did your therapist mean by “you failed”? As in you failed to change your father I assume? Sorry if that’s too personal of a question; you don’t have to answer it if so.
Update with my guy: I am running full speed toward the cliff and getting ready to jump! I sent him a voice text yesterday to schedule a phone date within the coming week. I said I was accepted into grad school, getting ready to move, etc. and want to catch up and get some advice on a few things (this will be my first time away from home, so I am eager to hear his strategies for saving money, dealing with missing family, etc.). I plan to ask to visit him while I’m on the phone so he hears my tone of voice and if anything gets misconstrued, I can clear it up immediately. I am excited, nervous, all the things… I will let you know what happens after I catch up with him! I’m going to need all the help I can get…prayers, positive manifestations, whatever speaks to you most…pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease and thank youuuuuuuuuuuu!
Holy cow…I really needed to hear everything you said. Sometimes I spiral in fear a little (and by a little, I mean a lot – haha) and need to be brought back down to earth. I cannot thank you enough for doing that!
I think my mom’s upset came down to a few things: gender roles, “if he liked you, he’d do XYZ and he clearly hasn’t” (cue eye roll), and definitely protection, too. At one point she said “I want to protect your dignity” and I’m thinking “Ma’am – my dignity is stronger than you think it is, thank you very much!” She said she would support me no matter what, but I certainly did not feel that from her.
I think the powerless feeling comes from having such a different way of seeing things than my family. I know they love me and try to respect my differences, but it honestly feels like sometimes – like you said – they think they know what’s best for me better than I do. It feels like they don’t trust me to do things in my own weird, quirky way, and that can be very hurtful. Especially when I have gotten my best results by following my heart.
My weird way of doing things got me far with someone who complements me very well. If I did things their way, he probably wouldn’t have responded as well, and more importantly, I wouldn’t have been operating from a place of authenticity. One of the biggest lessons my guy has taught me is to listen to my gut and be myself no matter the consequence. This is definitely an opportunity to put that lesson into practice, and I want to make the most of it and grow from it. I want to trust myself and be true to myself, even without my core people behind me. While it is very lonely and hurtful when they put their opinions above supporting me, I want to be strong enough to handle it and know in my heart that it is indeed a “them” issue, not a “me” issue.
It’s true – to me, the risk of rejection PALES in comparison to the chance to see my guy and make memories with him before I start school. That’s a risk I’m more than willing to take! And you make a great point about trusting him to say no if he needs to. He’s done that before, and while I was a bit embarrassed initially, I got over it quickly because I knew it was a sign that he felt safe enough to be honest. I was more grateful than anything else! Asking for what I want and being okay with a “no” is the same approach I took with him, against almost everyone’s opinion, and the result is something worth traveling across the country for!
It’s funny, I feel like everyone says “just be yourself” (and I think it really is that simple!), but it seems like it’s advice that is so rarely followed. It seems that so much hurt comes from feeling like you can’t be yourself. There are a lot of wounds in my family that I believe are rooted in that, and it breaks my heart. I want to be an example of self-love and healing and emotional freedom for them. For my brother (yes, I have seen that movie…hahaha! I will definitely use a safe word with him), my mom,…everyone. I love and value them so much, even though they frustrate the heck out of me sometimes, and I know they love and value me, too, even though their fear-based behavior doesn’t always reflect that. They obviously have to make the choice to heal themselves, but I wish I could help. Is this something you have experienced with loved ones? Do you have any input for me as to how to be present with them and model what healing looks like while staying grounded internally and not slipping into “wounded” habits?
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your guidance thus far. I think I’m gonna go for it!
Ahhhhhhh yes; I have heard of projection. That makes PERFECT sense. Indeed, my brother is more sensitive than your average guy, but he is MUCH more covert about his sensitivity than I am. We grew up with an emotionally abusive father, and he treated my brother and me abominably. My brother just “let it roll off him” (while I was very openly upset and not okay with what was happening), but I know it affects him more than he thinks it does. When he mocks me, I often just ignore it, and if it really bothers me, I tell him. He does typically apologize about an hour after realizing he offended me, which I do appreciate. He’s not a bad guy; he just doesn’t honor his sensitivity (nor others’ LOL) in a healthy way.
I’d love to try modeling acceptance for him. I feel like he thinks he’s “less of a man” because of that sensitivity, and that is so sad to me. I still have my moments of insecurity about my sensitivity, too, but I do feel like I’ve progressed enough to show him what self-love looks like. Even if I just plant a seed, I’ve done my job as a sister.
I appreciate your help strategizing a little west coast getaway so much, and I agree; I’ll try a hint first, then come right out if/when he pulls a facepalm moment haha. But I’d love to get your opinion on something while I am here, if you don’t mind. As I try to organize this trip, I feel very unsupported by the people closest to me, and it is making me angry. I informed my family that I was going to try to see my friends on the west coast, and they were supportive. But the minute I mention asking my guy if I could stop in his neck of the woods and spend a day or two with him (which, in hindsight, was probably a mistake), that’s apparently a terrible idea. I felt like it was a double-standard, so I asked my mom, “Okay, this is really bothering me. Why is it okay for me to ask the girls if I can come see them, but it’s not okay to ask my guy if I can see him?!” Her answer was, “Because you two have a different relationship. You can hint at making your rounds on the west coast, but coming out and asking to see him is a big mistake.”
Side note: I think I shared this in an earlier message, but I actually mentioned to him before he left that I’d love to stop in his neck of the woods when I travel to the west coast, and he said, “Wait but why would you do that? That’s a detour!” (His responses really are funny and indeed quite endearing) Obviously I had to clarify and say “BECAUSE I WANT TO FREAKING SEE YOU” for him to get the memo. Hinting alone will not work, and my family knows that.
Anyhoo – see, I feel like her answer is the biggest load of BS I’ve ever heard in my life. Yes, my guy is obviously a boy and not a girl, but he is still my friend, first and foremost. As much as I miss my gal pals too, I would give ANYTHING to see him again. While I generally respect traditional gender roles, I feel like they keep me down by not allowing me to do anything about my desire to see him. I HATE that feeling of powerlessness, and I hate even more than the people I am closest to are perpetuating that feeling.
But even so, the last thing I would ever want is to impose on my guy unintentionally. I would be MORTIFIED if I ever did that. So I guess my question is this: do you think being blunt with my guy would put him in an awkward position and do more harm than good? I’d like to think you wouldn’t have suggested it if you didn’t think I could get away with it, but I wanted to confirm that before I schedule a phone date with my guy to get this ball rolling. I value your perspective immensely and want to ensure I approach this in the most respectful way possible.
Thank you so much in advance for any input you can offer me!
That is so interesting; I’ve never heard about the Telepathy Tapes before now. I would’ve never thought to study telepathy either! I love that people are becoming more open-minded about things like this, especially as someone who is on the spectrum. I may not be nonverbal, but I am still very curious to learn more! I could see that being a great source of inspiration and ideas. Thank you so much for sharing this podcast with me. I’m definitely checking that out!
On the topic of recommendations…have you ever watched “Love on the Spectrum?” It is probably my favorite Netflix docuseries EVER. Basically, the show follows these younger people who are on the spectrum (some are so high-functioning that you can’t even tell, while others are a bit lower) as they gain experience in the dating world. I watch it with my mom often, and omg…the amount of times I’ve pointed at the TV and been like “Oh my gosh this is so me!” and “I thought I was the only one who did that!” and “This is exactly what I would do in that situation!”… My mom has actually cried multiple times while watching it with me; she says she learned a lot from that show about how people like me operate in everyday life, especially with the opposite sex. It’s so wholesome, too; you come to fall in love with everyone and root for them throughout their journeys. I HIGHLY recommend it!
Ahhhhhhh yes, I grew up with a little brother so I know how that feels. He would CONSTANTLY roast me for my sensitivity, even to this day. He’s just being a boy, but there are some times where it hits a little too close to home… ugh. Freaking boys. They gotta get with the program. Hahaha!
And thank you so much for your input regarding planting a seed with my guy about visiting. I truly love all of those ideas. This is probably a conversation we’d have to have on our next phone date and not over text. Honestly, trying to hint at things with him usually follows this formula to a T:
Me: Hey! So I was wondering…[tries to be smooth and hint at a desire/need]
Him: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…[takes it literally and says something completely off-the-rail]
*FACEPALM MOMENT*
Me: Dude, the reason I asked you that question is because I was really hoping…[insert real desire/need here]
Him: Ohhhhhhhhhh I see. Yes, that sounds great.Occasionally he’ll get the memo the first time, but that’s rare. I’ve found being honest and direct is the most effective way of getting through his thick skull how he can be my “hero,” especially if I want to do this before I leave for school. It is always scary, though… maybe I can try a hint when I chat with him next, and if history decides to repeat itself, I can just put my big-girl pants on, like I often do, and ask to see him.
Actually, a bunch of friends I made at work moved to the West Coast recently, too, so maybe I can go see them too while I’m at it! They really are some of my best friends; they get me in a way that my college buddies just don’t. Whatever ends up happening, I can’t thank you enough for believing in my friendship with my guy enough to suggest this. It’s refreshing that a third party can see what I see!
Oh my word, I completely resonate with all you said. While I would not wish pain on ANYONE – nor would I ever choose to go through it again for its own sake – it sure has taught me a lot. I learned to be patient with myself and to do what I need to do to feel better, no matter what it is or how long it takes. If I had suppressed or invalidated those feelings, I would not be even close to where I am now. I really thought at first that feeling these things automatically made me weak, but you gave me permission to feel what needed to be felt. Now I have the strength to give myself that permission, too. THANK YOU for that!
It’s true; some people DO love to suffer. I have seen that in my friends; something (often it’s boy trouble hahaha) will knock them down, and they will use it as an excuse to stay down. Of course, it’s hard to just spring back up immediately – God knows that was impossible for me when my guy moved – but eventually you can and must get back up. Life is too short to stay down!
And WOW. Your friend is BRAVE for traveling by herself! That does sound amazing, and I would travel by myself too if my safety was guaranteed. The introvert in me LOVES exploring things on her own; I just wish that wasn’t so risky these days…
So I spoke about the gaps in research and treatment options for people who stutter. Although it is indeed a speech impediment, stuttering is more than that – it’s a neurological condition with true biological components that need to be addressed but have not been. Stuttering is hard to live with; there are moments where I am physically unable to produce sound and communicate with others. It’s very isolating! Nevertheless, many people in my community of scientists believe that stuttering is simply another way of talking and therefore is unworthy of research funding. You can imagine that talk like this makes me FURIOUS. These people – who have ZERO firsthand knowledge of the everyday realities of stuttering – gaslight people like me and invalidate their struggles. In light of this, I have been combining my training in science and my experiences with stuttering to advocate for greater funding and treatment options. These events have taken me all over the world and have brought me great purpose!
Hahaha, I’m glad my saga with my guy brought you a smile. I may have a strong, fighting spirit, but I am a SUCKER for that funny little man. It’s actually kind of embarrassing how much I adore him, even from afar! Visiting him would be SO. MUCH. FUN. We did say we would see each other again, but I am a little nervous to take him up on that… which I know is silly. He’s in school and I’ll be starting school in January; maybe I’ll feel him out and see if he has any plans for Spring Break. Even just for a weekend getaway to see my friend and catch up with him in person. What the heck do I have to lose at this point? If you have any tips for me to do this, I am all ears.
I cannot thank you enough for all of your support and kind words. I am honored that you are a part of my journey!
Oh goodness, I’m not done with this platform yet! I have learned a lot on here; I do not want to stop now. And yes; I have bookmarked your email with your coach’s info and will reach out.
Thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words! I am indeed very excited to begin my Master’s; it will definitely be a new experience. I can’t wait to meet new folks and hopefully make some new friends. It will probably be a big change at first, but it seems that all worthwhile things are. It’ll be worth it!
And yes, I love that I’ve been able to stay in touch with my sweet guy, too. I actually heard from him about an hour after I messaged you last – he got my card and sent a really nerdy joke expressing his appreciation. I quite literally laughed out loud hahaha. I hope our relationship keeps growing, too, even if it is just as a friendship. We really do get each other, and that is valuable in and of itself!
And oh my gosh my trip was AMAZINGGGGGGGGG. It really made me appreciate the U.S.! Istanbul is sooooooooo different than America. It was definitely a culture-shock at first, but still a wonderful experience. There were a lot of young folks at the conference I spoke at, and it was really fascinating hearing their perspectives on stuttering and even just on everyday life. They were so hospitable and showed us all of the best places in the city – it really is beautiful! My mom and stepfather even said a few Turkish boys were checking me out… for someone who rarely interacts with guys her age, that is always an ego boost hahahahaha.
I would definitely go back to Barcelona. SO colorful and SO ornate! Absolutely gorgeous. Just enough similarity to the U.S. to avoid the culture-shock but enough differences to keep things interesting! Traveling with my family overall worked out just fine. My parents are divorced, so I’ve been navigating airports since I was little; it just comes naturally now. Not so with my family. I had to drag my mom and stepdad to our gates, food, etc…my joke is that traveling with them is like herding cats! LOL. But we generally travel well together, and I am super thankful for that!
I so appreciate your sentiments regarding my strength in building a new adventure after the major loss I experienced. I honestly did not think I had it in me! The truth is your advice is the reason I came this far. The whole “talking to him recording yourself” thing was – and still is! – a GODSEND. Giving voice to those feelings and not silencing them has really helped me process the change and given me the strength to get back up and fight for my future. It took a LOT of tears to get to this point (and occasionally there still are a few!), but I couldn’t be happier that I finally did.
Your support throughout my journey is so greatly appreciated!!!
Hi, Heidi! Oh my goodness, it’s wonderful to hear from you! Thank you so much for reaching out and checking in. Your message brightened my day!
First of all, the information in your last message was IMMENSELY helpful. I’m sorry I never got around to thanking you for that! These past two months have been a whirlwind, but in a good way.
Cliffnotes version: I traveled around the world with my family last month for a few weeks. First to California, then to Istanbul, then to Barcelona. It was quite the adventure! I actually gave a speech at the first two places (I volunteer for a few organizations as a research and healthcare advocate in the stuttering community). I told my guy all that I was doing, and we had a little phone date on the day before the first speech. It was only 15 minutes, but it felt JUST LIKE OLD TIMES. I could hear how happy he was to talk to me from the moment he said “hi.” It brought tears to my eyes! He has always been so supportive and sweet when I do things like this, and it was wonderful to feel him cheering for me and doing the same for him.
The last time I connected with him was about two weeks ago – I wanted to send him a card from Barcelona because he has always wanted to go to Spain, and I needed his new address LOL. I’m almost positive he’ll reach out to thank me when he receives it, so I’m waiting until then to text him again, haha.
He is pursuing his Master’s degree right now on top of working and providing for his family. It’s amazing! I had always known that I would be getting my Master’s as well, but I just didn’t know when. I was so happy at work when my guy and other younger folks were there and loved the dynamic so much that I didn’t want to leave. But once he left (and actually the other young folks left, too; I’m the only younger person in my lab now), I felt compelled to look into Master’s programs, and I found a really good match that would start in January. I just came home from touring the campus and the surrounding area, and I LOVED it.
I think this is what I needed to get out of the depressive episode I was in. Honestly, I felt hopeless. I needed to know that something new is coming, that I will not be stuck in my lab forever. It is definitely scary, as it will be the first time I will not be within an hour of my family (the school is about a 4-hour drive from my hometown), but I know this is a necessary change.
Needless to say, I am definitely in a better headspace now. Of course, there are occasionally times when I feel my guy’s absence a bit more, and it’s almost worse now because very few people will still hold space for those feelings. Even my counselor will change the subject when I mention how he believed in me or how I miss him. That can be very frustrating, but it has taught me how to hold space for myself and my annoyingly deep feelings when others will not.
I so appreciate your reaching out. I want you to know that your insights are the reason I have progressed this far since my guy left. Even though I have a long way to go, I am a long way from where I was, and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for being there for me and “listening” to me when others will not. It means more to me than you know!
Thank you so much for the recommendations! Your explanations made perfect sense. I’ll definitely poke around and learn more about these modalities. I actually remember taking an enneagram personality test a few years ago (I’m a type 1; no surprise there LOL), but I’d be curious to delve a bit deeper into that!
That’s so funny that you had a fear of anesthesia – I’M terrified of anesthesia too!!!! I had my wisdom teeth removed a few months ago, and before they called me in, I had a pretty severe panic attack. I was extremely conflicted internally as they started putting me under – part of me wanted to just go under and be done with it, but the other was petrified of losing control and fought that sedative tooth and nail. So much that woke up in the middle of the procedure! The surgeon told me afterwards that he had to play around a LOT with my anesthesia meds before he finally found the sweet spot. It’s like my brain was trying to protect me by fighting it and keeping me awake as long as possible. I really do have issues with not being in control…holy crap…I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know it was THAT bad! It’s reassuring to know that it is possible to clear those fears from my body. It’s a little bit of a terrifying prospect, but I guess that’s part of it.
Your concept of a “soul bank” makes perfect sense as well. I do have a question, though. My family has noticed this in me and while I was quite defensive at first when they mentioned it, I can see now that they have a point. It seems that the things that used to give me pleasure (like the kayaking and paddleboarding I mentioned), just don’t anymore. At least, not nearly to the same extent. I’ve felt extremely sad to the point of tears almost every day, even though I try to look for the positives and find joy. I do have occasional, brief moments of happiness, but I haven’t felt truly content in many months. I feel so weak admitting this, especially because I’m usually such a happy person, but I think I may be struggling with depression. When my mother mentioned that possibility to me and listed off everything she noticed, it hit me that I may be in a worse place than I thought I was. I plan on talking to my doctor about it, but I also wanted to get your input as well. Have you wrestled with depression at some point on your healing journey or know people who have? This may not be your wheelhouse, and if not, that’s totally fair. But how do you add to your “soul bank” when you feel bankrupt?
(If it helps to know, I don’t think this depressive episode is purely situational. While the loss of my first love has been extremely difficult in addition to several other changes in my personal life, there have also been a few changes in my health that I think have messed with my body chemistry a bit. I think the combination of those things has created a perfect storm of neurotransmitter imbalance in my poor brain haha. When it rains, it pours…)
Either way, thank you again for all of the input and resources you have shared with me. All of them have been so helpful, and if you have any more, I’m all ears!
