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Thank you so so much for your input. I thought I was crazy at first for crying so much over this, so I appreciate your validation a whole lot. Yes; we texted a bit this past weekend (I couldn’t resist reaching out; I was dying to hear about his first week at his new job). He’s settling in well and transitioning smoothly, which I was happy to hear, and we exchanged “I miss you”s.
It feels weird texting him instead of talking to him; this is uncharted territory because I really tried not to text him when he was here (I knew I’d see him at work and catch up at lunch). It’s just strange to not see him, touch him, hear him giggle… I’m used to seeing him almost every day, so it feels different without the physicality. Maybe the texting/calling thing will feel more natural as time goes on, or maybe it’ll just fizzle out…I guess time will tell. Either way, it is nice to reach out without wondering if I’m being a pest (haha), and it was wonderful to hear he’s missing me too and to just connect with him, even if it does look a little different.
Regarding my friends, it’s actually my family members who have been more problematic. Every time I show a bit of sadness with them, all I get is a bunch of glares and a barrage of “get over it”s and “life goes on”s. I live with my parents to save up a bit, so I cannot escape them. Most of my family doesn’t care to ask WHY I’m feeling so sad, the role my work husband played in my life and the stories about him, or what he means to me, all because it looked a little different than your typical relationship… family is supposed to be that safe place; it always was for me until now. It is INFURIATING. I know they love me, and I do love them and am very close to them, but right now, they’re treating me like a child and not taking this loss seriously. What’s ironic is they will often come to me if they need to vent or process something – I’m a pro at holding space for them (and I enjoy doing it!), but it’s rare that they do the same for me. Hence why I’m so thankful to you for your validation and for holding space for me to share our story.
My friends are a bit traditional as well, but they have been much more supportive and invested in this whole saga. Even so, they’re scattered all over the country and are at different places in their lives than I (all of them are engaged/married/have serious boyfriends except one; needless to say, hearing them talk about that is a little triggering haha). I can’t hang out with them or lean on them as much as I would like because of that, so I would love to expand my horizons and make new friends too. It’s a little intimidating to think about, but I know the reward is worth the risk.
I love your pieces of advice. I did try “talking to him” through a voice memo last night…it was actually really cathartic. I think that will be especially helpful for me given my family situation. And I DEFINITELY could use some more fun in my life; I’ll have to poke around and see what I could get involved with in my town. Thank you so much for those suggestions and for allowing me to vent and let everything out!
Oh my word – I thought I was the only one who noticed that so many people are too afraid to deal with their pain and project that discomfort onto others who are hurting (like me)! It’s incredibly sad; I never want to become one of those people. I’m a weirdo in that I’m not afraid of my emotions – it’s very cathartic for me to release my feelings and talk about my relationship with my work husband, but not many are willing to listen because it was very unconventional (my friends and family are mostly traditional). So I can’t thank you enough for holding space for me to honor his memory.
I love(d) him because we share similar souls. We are very close to our families, we are just starting our careers trying to figure out our paths, we are “old souls,” we grew up in religious environments and developed our own version of faith that has room for lived experience, we are scientists and HUGE nerds, and we have a love for 80s rock and roll. It was at a Halloween party a couple years ago that we first discovered that – a Journey song came on, we both sang along, and he said I had a pretty voice (and my face turned bright red haha). Since that party, we would blare 80s rock in the car when we hung out outside of work.
I miss his “good morning” and “good night” he’d say every day pretty much without fail; it was a little thing that always made me feel seen and loved. I miss how he would make extra effort towards me when I was sick or feeling stressed. (One time I ate a sandwich with moldy cheese and didn’t realize it until it was too late, and the next morning he pretty much ran up to me and said “Are you okay? Any side effects from yesterday? How are you feeling?” It was so cute!) I miss eating lunch with him – even on the days that we didn’t say a word to each other, it was just wonderful knowing I have this man across from me who was there if I need anything. I miss his weird, stupid jokes and banter sessions that tickled me pink. I miss the way he would frequently ask about my future career direction with genuine curiosity and offered insights I never even considered. I miss the way he always encouraged me and believed in me when I didn’t have the strength to believe in myself. I miss the way he accepted EVERY part of me and CELEBRATED me for it – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Nothing I did could scare him off ¬– not emotional expressivity, not flirting fails, and not even anxiety attacks. Being connected to him felt like home; he is/was one of the few people I feel safe with to be fully myself.
I miss his physical presence as well. I miss the way he would tenderly look at me when my speech impediment flared up. I miss the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles. I miss the way he flipped his hair when it got in his eyes – it gave me chills EVERY SINGLE TIME. I miss how mind-blowingly sexy he looked in his lab coat. I miss his warm, long hugs; time stopped every time he held me in his arms. I miss his cute little giggle-moan he would let out when we hugged.
I think this is what I find so special about our connection: I loved him as a person first, and THEN I realized I found him insanely physically attractive. JACKPOT. It made each moment even more intimate. Heck, I still think about our cuddles on his last day and all the sweet things he said about me; I don’t think I will ever forget them. He is such a soft, gentle man who perfectly complements me. And I love him for it.
Our relationship might not have had the opportunity to develop a label because of his family’s situation and his need to go home, but in my opinion, that does not mean it was not real. It’s almost harder that he left because of life circumstances and not because of a fight or something like that – if it was, at least I could trash-talk him and easily convince myself that I am better off without him. It was not perfect, especially with the heavy stuff he experienced, but I think we would have had what it takes to go the distance; I feel like we share(d) a genuine love for each other. It is/was much deeper than the superficial limerence that is glamorized these days. One of my good friends said that we have/had a “true love relationship,” something that even some married couples don’t have. I feel lucky to have experienced something so special on my first go!
I’m crying as I’m typing all of this. I love telling our story – I miss him so, so much, and talking about him makes me feel like he is still in my heart and part of my tree (it’s like a loved one passing away, kind of). I know you get paid to do this, but it still means a lot. And I would love to hear more guidance as I heal; I want to learn and grow and be one of those rare people that does not put pain in a box, both for my own sake and for others’.
Thank you again for asking me about him and why he is/was such a special person to me and for helping me sort through my strong feelings! I appreciate it more than I can say!
Oh my goodness, your response had me teary, in the best possible way! Your understanding and empathy are so greatly appreciated, especially as many of those closest to me are pushing me to “get over it” and “move on” (hence why I originally questioned the normalcy of my feelings). I make no qualms about being a more sensitive person, so I do not deal with heartache the same way they do. This seems like a good opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with myself and not rely on where others believe I “should” be. You said it quite well; I need to step back and do for myself what I wish they would do for me – give grace and patience and comfort as I feel what I need to feel. I have to go at my own pace, and it is so refreshing to know that it is okay to do so.
I love the tree analogy you described. I love that even though the branch that is my guy might go silent, it will always be part of my tree. I feel like there is a part of my heart that will always love him and cherish him and want the best for him, even if/when someone else comes into my life. He is my first, and he has set the bar extremely high – we really have/had such a powerful, nourishing connection. I did not think I was capable of loving a man this deeply, let alone him loving me. I am heartbroken, but as weird as it might sound, this is the most beautiful pain I have ever felt. But I will try to stay open to new, different “branches” as I recover!
Although I have a long way to go, I feel like I have grown a lot from this relationship and from your insights. I honestly do not think I would have developed the courage to escalate our connection and share those intimate moments with him without your support and wisdom, and for that, I am so grateful to you. Thank you so very much for helping me navigate this uncharted territory!
Hi again! It’s been quite a while! My work husband left for good a few days ago (he stayed MUCH longer than I anticipated!), so I wanted to ask for some input.
For context, I took your advice and began flirting with him a little more overtly. My first (and favorite) was during lunch a while back –
Me: By the way, I meant to tell you, you looked EXTRA handsome yesterday.
Him: [looks at me like I sprouted a second head]
Me: That shirt you were wearing… 10/10 would recommend.
Him: Oh, uh… thank you! I honestly wasn’t really trying.
Me: Okay, so it just comes naturally to you; that’s what you’re trying to tell me?!
[laughs and immediately changes the subject]Since then, he’d tell me I looked “really good,” we’d joke around and have deep talks, hug a little longer after our nights out… all was going quite well. And then I found out a month ago that he finally found a job back home after searching for almost a year.
We went on our “last supper” two weeks ago. He called me “beautiful,” pulled out my chair, got the check… it felt like a date. As we walked back to the car, I “confessed” my feelings – I didn’t say “I like you” (because that’s his job!), but I said that I’ll cherish the memories we shared, I’m used to spending every day with this “lovely, lovely man” and it won’t be the same without him, and a bunch of other things. He effectively echoed it back and hugged me and would not let me go, and I could hear him giggling. Yep, I thought. He likes me back. Not that anything can happen right now because he needs to go and tend to his family, but still… I WAS RIGHT!
On his last day, I walked him out and said a proper “see you later” (we agreed that we would stay in touch and possibly visit). He hugged me twice for what felt like forever (he pretty much cuddled me haha) and said such sweet things as I melted in his arms: “You’re so sweet, you’re so gentle, you’re so soft, but you’re also so strong.” I cried afterwards and roasted myself for being an emotional person, and he said, “That’s you. And I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
I know right now is not the right time for us to be in a relationship, and I know I need to keep my eyes and mind open for if/when another man comes into my life. But honestly, it’s incredibly hard for me to do that right now. I don’t plan on “waiting” for him (I’m not that crazy haha), but it still hurts so badly that I found such a wonderful man but the only thing missing was the timing. How am I supposed to believe that I can have a connection with someone else that will come close to the connection I have/had with him?! I know most people fall in love multiple times in their lives so therefore there is hope, but it’s hard for me to comprehend that after experiencing this (I know I’m young, but it’s still hard).
I guess my question is this: is it normal to feel all of these things? Do you have any advice for me as I heal? Thank you so much in advance for any input you can give me!
Forgive me for such a delayed response! Yes, you explained that distinction wonderfully; that all makes sense. And I’m glad my approach has been a healthy one thus far; I’ll try to keep that up, haha. Thank you very much for your validation and clarification!
And I’m so sorry that happened to you! But it is reassuring that I’m not alone in the struggle to love/forgive myself. It’s definitely tough, but I’m starting to see it the same way you do – if I can offer that compassion to him, and if others can offer it to me, I can surely offer it to myself, too.
Thank you again for all of your help, guidance, and input thus far, Heidi. Who knows where this friendship/pseudo-relationship will go, but whether or not it goes the way I hope, I’ve certainly learned a lot from this experience and from you. I sincerely appreciate it!
That all makes perfect sense. Thank you so much for your input!
He has seen me stressed a few times before this incident, and every time, he has been so sweet, gentle, and supportive. You are completely right about this being a gift, because now I know with absolute certainty that he won’t run from me when I’m like that. This week he treated me no differently than he always does – he still ate lunch with me, chatted with me, teased me and joked with me, etc. It makes me love him and see him as partner material even more. I’m going to hang out with him outside of work soon, and if the opportunity arises for me to mention that I’m trying to learn where the attack came from and work on it, I definitely will (and I’ll look for appropriate opportunities to flirt, too, haha). This is a side of myself that isn’t easy for me to love – it’s one of my biggest insecurities, but I’m doing my best to work through it. And it helps knowing that I’m safe with him.
I actually have a question in light of your points about men wanting to be with a woman who doesn’t depend on them for their happiness, because I remember your mentioning before that men also want to feel like they have a purpose in their woman’s life. Where exactly is the line between making him feel needed in a good way and coming across as needy? I would NEVER want to come off that way and look insecure and dependent, but I also want to give him opportunities to be there for me, both so he can feel like he has purpose and so I can experience the pleasure of leaning on him. How can I do that without being needy?
Thank you again for all of your input and guidance thus far!
Thank you so much for that perspective; I never thought about the “right” guy that way. But it certainly makes sense – the ideal is a forever person, but there is no guarantee of that. And I want to authentically enjoy every man I meet and not go in with an agenda, so hopefully that mindset will help.
I completely agree with everything you said about flirting. It still scares me, but I’m trying to look for opportunities to take a chance and show him that I want him. But something actually happened last week that put my imperfections on full display in ALL the wrong ways…
I had a tough weekend last weekend and was feeling down, and I opened up to him about it; he was thoughtful and attentive as usual. We went out to lunch with a couple that he is friends with. They told the story of how they got together (they are coworkers, funny enough), and my guy said that his friends have had relationships with colleagues that went south, you have to see them every day, etc. I wasn’t shocked by any of this information (he had briefly mentioned his friends’ relationships before), but after the weekend I had, I hit my breaking point. My heart started pounding and racing, my head started throbbing, and I began to hyperventilate – I had an anxiety attack. At the worst possible time. In front of him. They were all very sweet about it (I apologized up and down and they said “Hey, we’re all scientists here – we understand!”), and my guy even said that he has had panic attacks before and gave me some advice on what to do if it happens again. “I’m always here for you; let me know if you need anything at all,” he said.
Still, I’m scared that I blew my cover. He and I still ate together the next day, but I am still petrified that my anxiety attack ruined everything. I’m worried that he’ll distance himself from me if he interprets it as me having feelings for him and he feels like he shouldn’t date a colleague (although I know just because he has reservations about dating colleagues doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have feelings for me…), even though sometimes I have attacks for no apparent reason. I guess my question is this: how do I handle this? Do I talk to him about it and tackle it head-on, or just carry on like normal and see what happens? Or something in between? How can I even approach flirting now after an incident like this? Thank you so much in advance for any guidance you can provide!
Thank you so much for your perspective!
What’s kind of ironic is that I find flirting much scarier than telling him how I feel. Honestly, I think a lot of that fear comes from the fact that flirting is new to me and that there’s so much gray area to it. For whatever reason, it’s much easier for me to come right out with it in a black-and-white manner than to experiment with the gray areas of flirting. I’ve never felt so attracted to someone, and I’m afraid that if I flirt a little more obviously and/or compliment his physical attributes and it comes out awkward, he’ll pull away from me. I know logically that the chances of that happening are slim because we’re so close, but it still scares me nevertheless. (There have been moments where I felt like I put my foot in my mouth, but he’d still eat with me the next day, so clearly I didn’t scare him away haha.)
The depth of my feelings is another source of fear. This is why I feel guilty (“ashamed” is probably a better word for it) when he catches me looking at him – because I feel like I have to hide my feelings at work, so I feel ashamed when they sneak their way out. For the past few days, I’ve been trying to resist that mindset, allow myself to feel pleasure by looking at him and smiling and enjoying his presence, and let my feelings be free. It’s been quite difficult, but I’ve been learning a lot, and I feel thankful to be practicing on someone who is patient and compassionate with me, whether anything happens romantically or not (but I secretly hope it does!).
I sincerely appreciate your validating my fears with dating and more specifically the apps; sometimes I feel like the only 90-year-old trapped inside a 20-something-year-old’s body, haha. Your perspective on dating being like going to school is one that I never considered; it definitely takes the pressure off! And I agree that it would be so beneficial to get to know a new side of myself that I’ve never experienced before. I’ll have to poke around and see what’s happening around my town and get connected. I love to sing, so maybe there’s a karaoke night somewhere nearby I can go to with some friends. I’ve been wanting to become more active in my church as well … hopefully, if nothing else, I can just interact with new people and build my skills. Fingers crossed that will help prepare me for when the right guy crosses my path!
Hmmm… I never really thought about flirting that way (your video was very helpful!). I always try to conceal and fight my feelings whenever I’m with him, especially at work – I feel guilty when he catches me looking at him from across the lab, I’m afraid to compliment his physical appearance even though I find him very handsome and attractive… I think that has really made things harder for me. My speech impediment is MUCH more severe around him than anyone else I work with; he really does give me butterflies haha. (Stress is not the cause of my speech impediment, but it certainly aggravates it.) I think that’s partly the reason I was initially considering telling him how I feel – to get it off my chest and stop pretending that the attraction isn’t there. In that sense, the idea of expressing my attraction to him by simply allowing my feelings to be free in my body (rather than explicitly saying them) sounds very liberating.
However, I admit that it scares me very much. The romance/flirting department is uncharted territory for me; I’ve never dated or had a boyfriend before. I am a little more awkward than your average joe, although more extroverted than my guy. We both seem to be very scared and inexperienced in this area. Some of my family actually thinks that he believes I’m out of his league looks-wise; a few of my friends share that sentiment as well. So maybe if I face my fears about feeling my attraction for him and being more expressive about it, he’ll find the courage to do the same. I sure hope that’s the case.
I completely agree with your insight about him possibly not having the capacity for a relationship right now. It’s partly why I’ve waited this long to even consider saying anything; I know that family and career are major areas of his life, and I would never want him to feel like he has to choose between me and them. If I’ve learned anything over the past year, it’s that men and women are wired completely differently in the love department; I just wish there was a way to show him that it doesn’t have to be a choice.
The prospect of dating scares me a little, especially because I’m reluctant to settle for anything less than the deep connection I have with my guy (which has taken me a long time to find), but I do agree that I shouldn’t put my life on hold and that it would be good for me to get more exposure to the opposite sex and practice my relationship skills. It seems as if the only way to do this is through dating apps (which I REALLY don’t want to try but will if I must haha), but I have asked some of my friends to keep me in mind if they know of anyone who may be a good match for me. It would be a dream come true to meet my future partner in real life!
Thank you very much for all of your input, guidance, and encouragement thus far. You have been a HUGE help!
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your quick and thoughtful reply! I appreciate your insight and honesty, and I do agree that it would be so refreshing if he was the one to tell me how he felt and fight for me.
He has told me that he is not typically the initiator in social settings and that he is not a very expressive person. But occasionally he’ll be the one to suggest a rendezvous for lunch, pay for me, bring me food, and give me treats. It makes me feel like such a woman! I always thank him up and down to encourage that masculine behavior. We laugh a lot and have banter, too. He’ll shadow me when he doesn’t have anything else to do, and he’ll make stupid jokes and teasingly mess up my experiments. To which I’ll roast him back, laughing and playfully touching him on the arm or back. (Flirting isn’t exactly my strong suit, so I’d love any advice as to how to improve my flirting game haha.) Whenever I see him outside of work, I say that I enjoy his company so much, it’s always so good to see him, etc., trying to hint at how I feel (probably too subtly, though).
I see the masculine, go-getter side of him come out as he tries to figure out his career path long-term, especially now that his dad passed, but socially/romantically, it’s a different story. I realize that isn’t something I can fix. But I did purchase His Secret Obsession and have since been taking every opportunity to build him up as a man. This often happens at work – he’ll offer to help me move heavy boxes (which I always take him up on), I’ll ask him to sit with me when I have to present at meetings for moral support because I feel safe with him, and I have told him how brave and admirable it is that he moved across the country, away from his family for the first time, to be here in our lab.
Many of the people I’ve talked to and who have seen us together believe that he is interested in me, but because of his family’s situation, having to move back home (his family is on the west coast and I’m on the east coast), and the uncertainty about his career at this point, he has not pursued me full-force. He comes from a traditional culture where the men are the providers, and the fact that he has to step into that role for his family may make him feel like he can’t be the provider I deserve right now.
If I was to say something, yes, I would hope he would admit his feelings, too. If he says he feels the same way but isn’t in the place for a relationship now with everything happening, hopefully we can stay friends and keep in touch, I can occasionally visit him and he visit me, and I’d keep my options open until if/when something changes on his end (if I haven’t been snatched already). And if he admits his feelings and says he wants to date me, the truth is, I don’t know how long distance would go, but I have thought about it knowing that’s what would have to happen if we were to date. I’m open to trying it, especially with someone I feel so connected to, and I know it would be a lot of work. If it goes well and we continue to grow in our relationship, I could see myself possibly moving if necessary (though that would be a little farther down the road). Fortunately, I’m early enough in my career where I have that flexibility. And if it falls on its face, it would hurt like crazy, but I could sleep at night knowing I tried, and I will have learned quite a lot from this wild experience.
Forgive me for the long reply; I’m trying to paint as accurate a picture as I can. This is such a complicated situation, and it’s definitely uncharted territory for me. Thank you again for your time!
