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Yes; that all makes sense. My brain is DEFINITELY guilty of operating that way! I always think more knowledge will answer my questions and put me in a state of peace. I know logically that that’s not true (ironically enough), but that truth just can’t register for some reason.
As I’m processing all of your insights over the past few weeks, I have a question that might sound very silly (I think I know the answer), but I’m beginning to think it’s a root question. It’s something I’ve wrestled with for a little while, even before this whole saga happened, but the saga has brought it to the surface. Is it my fault that I became wounded? Can people prevent it somehow? Do these wounds affect my value to others, my worthiness of love, etc.? I know that’s a question that probably REEKS of low self-esteem. But the thing is, it’s hard for me to take the next steps of loving and accepting myself when it seems like I need to be perfect and healed before I can be a good partner, friend, etc., like people who have some baggage (like me) are less valuable than those who don’t. I thought I had made a lot of progress since I began therapy, but this situation is showing me that I still have a LONG way to go. I’ve worked so hard on myself for the past 10 years, and it just seems I’ve gone NOWHERE… it’s very frustrating. I know this is NOTHING compared to the journey you’ve been on, but it still feels like all of this work is exhausting and pointless.
You said you’ve been doing healing work for 30-ish years, right? What kept you going if/when you felt like this? What is the balance between accepting yourself and working toward healing? I know there probably aren’t clear-cut answers, and that’s okay. I’d just really love more perspective, especially since it seems that you struggled with similar things that I’m struggling with now.
You make a good point about talk therapy; maybe I’ve been approaching this process the wrong way… I’d be very curious to explore other modalities of therapy. It IS scary, but I’d be open to talking to your coach and gathering information. What modalities does she use? I did try a type of body work about a year ago and ended up fainting after the first exercise, so I’m a little leery of delving into that again…but I’m open to trying other things.
Your insight about my friends’ behavior certainly makes sense (and explains a lot haha). Yes, shutting down is one of my coping mechanisms, in addition to humor and denial. I actually tried very hard to shelf my feelings of loss and sadness at my friend’s wedding and shift my focus to the positives (I told myself I’d “borrow my friend’s joy”), but I physically could not do it. I even tried to see my other friends’ perspectives as well: if I was at a wedding with a significant other, and I saw my friend who is enduring the loss of a man in her life feeling excluded and starting to shut down, what would I do? Ignore her and get tunnel vision for my guy? HECK NO, especially not if I’m with someone I have a solid relationship with (like a fiancé or husband)! I would wave her over and include her in our conversation. I know I’ve never been in that specific situation, so it may seem easy for me to say, but I always look out for struggling friends and make extra effort toward them. Given my hyper-empathy, I pick up on that stuff instantly, and I always want my friends to feel seen and loved. I’m not saying this to be judgey and self-righteous; I’m saying this to explain why I shut down: because I wasn’t being treated the same way I treat them. But I also know and accept that they aren’t wired the way I am, and that’s not a good or bad thing; it just is. It can be annoying and frustrating, though.
I say all this to illustrate that I feel like I’m deficient. Like I’m WEAK. This is why I ask about the relationship (if any) between my wounds and my quality as a human being. I’d like to think that I have inherent value simply because I’m a living, breathing person, but it sure doesn’t feel that way, especially not in a world where unconditional positivity seems to be celebrated and glorified.
Either way, I can’t thank you enough for all of the insights you’ve offered thus far. Hearing your stories/experiences has really helped me begin the process of letting go and surrendering. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and even though I hope my wounds are not indicative of a character flaw on my end, I do want to work through them and be a better partner for it, even if it takes me a lifetime. I so appreciate your generosity with your time and encouragement!
Ahh, yes… the idea of patience/surrender and giving up control is actually a central theme in my faith tradition (I identify as a Christian). I struggle SOOOOOOOOO much with that idea; I have for a long time now. I’m the type of person who loves and finds comfort in knowledge – knowledge of what’s going to happen, why it’s happening, etc.; it’s the scientist in me. I like having a plan and knowing what the plan is. It’s VERY hard for me to just sit back and let things unfold because I feel like I need to be on alert for any opportunities that come my way (not in a desperate way; just in the sense that I’m playing an active role on my life, my eyes are open, and I’m ready to make the most of what’s in front of me). It’s hard to find the balance between that and just letting what needs to happen, happen. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on this, if any…?
I’ve had a few moments in my life similar to those you’ve described, how I didn’t understand what was happening at first but later discovered what God/the universe was trying to do through it. I’m trying to hold on to those moments and trust that maybe that will happen with this situation as well. It’s honestly a struggle, not just because of my personality but because I have to watch my friends celebrate the very thing I lost. I was in a friend’s wedding last weekend (hence the late reply), and even though it was a beautiful ceremony that I was honored to be a part of, I felt extremely alone and out of place. All of my other friends there (who are aware of the major loss I’m experiencing) were coupled up and pretty much ignored me the whole time in favor of their significant others. Some were even deliberately exclusive. I felt like salt was being poured on this wound that is trying desperately to heal. It’s hard to trust God/the universe right now because it feels like life is kicking me down and laughing in my face. Maybe I need some new friends after all… I know I’ll get out of this eventually, but it’s been a really rough go lately.
And yes; I do have an overwhelm word with my family! I’m glad I had that conversation with them, especially after what happened at the wedding. They aren’t perfect, but now I can at least try to bounce some things off them, even if I have to use the word, haha.
And it really is sad that there is so much instant gratification in the world now. I try to avoid anything that would promote it in my life – I joke that I’m a 90-year-old trapped inside a 20-something-year-old’s body – but it is so ingrained in our culture that it’s pretty difficult to escape it completely. I hate that it’s seeped into dating as well. If only it was easier to cut through the BS and filter through the guys that just want instant gratification… I’m not sure if I’d even be open to trying an app at this point, but if I did, would you have any tips on how to spot someone worth getting to know? (Not that everyone isn’t worth getting to know; just in terms of not wasting my time.)
My therapy is primarily talk therapy. Yes, the fact that the meanness of a few people in my life was enough to damage my perception of the opposite sex is both amazing and sad at the same time. And the fact that a good experience with a good man was enough to heal some of that damage is also amazing! The mind really is fascinating; I probably would’ve been a psychologist in another life, haha.
I so appreciate your input and guidance thus far, and if you have more, I’m all ears!
Oh my goodness, I love our conversation, too! I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have a place where my thoughts and struggles are taken seriously. I probably sound like a broken record saying this, but it really does mean a whole lot to me!
Thank you for explaining the “powerful” concept a little more; that all makes sense. No wonder my family was reacting so harshly to my strong negative emotions and trying to control them! I would never want to try to force them to do/be anything for me that they are not ready for. Self-awareness certainly is not for the faint of heart. I did end up sitting them down yesterday, and they were actually MUCH more receptive than I thought they would be. They were very grateful that I explained some of my quirks and how they manifest when I’m going through a difficult time. One said, “It’s so easy for us to forget you deal with this because you’re so high-achieving in every other area of life – this is where you struggle, and now we know how to support you through it!” I’m still going to be more discerning about what I share with them to be extra careful, but I was so happy that it was well-received.
And I’m so sorry you had such a rough childhood and that your father was so awful to you. It makes perfect sense why we go numb as kids when we experience that; it does keep us safe. Childhood abuse can mess with you for life. I actually have a similar story; my father emotionally abused me as a kid. I also had a male boss in college who falsely accused me of having “out-of-line priorities” in front of my colleagues (he said that because I couldn’t work on a weekend), fired me when I stood up for myself, and stole all of my work on a research project; I never got any credit for it. That all is probably where my fear of rejection by and general distrust of the opposite sex stems from. I think the ASD keeps me from going numb; I had no choice but to feel all the yucky emotions that came up. The only thing I could do was isolate myself so no one could see me like that. And obviously, that isn’t always an option. I’ve been going to therapy for over 10 years now, and even though I’ve come a LONG way since then, the effects of those events still linger.
Heck, I was extremely hesitant to let my guy-friend in at first; I had to force myself to give him a chance and let him eat with me. That was one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel like my experience with him actually helped heal me a little bit from the effects of the abusive men in my childhood/adolescence; he helped me see that not all men are selfish and vindictive. He was not perfect, but he helped me learn to trust a little more, and I’m really grateful to him for that.
You’re absolutely right that pain thresholds and happiness thresholds are correlated; both my therapist and I have noticed that in myself. When my feelings for my guy-friend began developing, I felt everything VERY strongly – the trepidation of suggesting hanging out outside of work, the excitement of getting a “yes,” the joy of making memories with him and going a little deeper in conversation each time…It was all magnified to the nth degree because I am such a deep feeler! The bad stuff could be confusing and difficult to navigate sometimes, but there was enough good in my connection that it made it all worth it! But if I’m in a relationship with too much bad, my emotional system simply cannot handle it. I can’t even comprehend being in a relationship with a “bad boy” – exhausting is an understatement! So I suppose my sensitivity is a gift in that regard; it immediately filters out people who aren’t a good match, both romantically and otherwise. It sure is a timesaver in that regard.
And I appreciate your perspective on why it’s so hard for mature people to find other mature partners; that paradox makes a little more sense now. Still, it really is unfair that high-quality people like you and your little sis have such slim pickings. And me, too, for that matter…I may have some things I’m working on, but I also know I’m not your average 24-year-old. I do not need a man to be happy, per se. I just want one. Especially after getting a delicious taste of what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s pretty awesome. Haha! But I would NEVER want a “feeding tube” relationship; I could just go on the apps if I wanted that. I want something like the connection I had with my guy-friend, something where we add to each other’s lives and support each other. And as much as it sucks to wait and resist temptation, I do not plan on settling for anything less, especially not after experiencing something so beautiful. I’m just not very patient with the universe’s/God’s timing, one of a few things I’m working on…
I actually had a little phone date with him earlier today. It was wonderful to hear his voice and catch up a bit, but it also felt strange. I felt the shift in our relationship, how different it feels than it did before. And I have to be honest with you: I HATED that feeling. I’m trying to just focus on the positives – how he cared enough to make time for me when I know he’s been busy trying to settle in, how we both were able to share some updates, how he pulled an “It’s really nice to talk to you again” at the end…I’m so glad he’s still in my life, but it’s not even remotely comparable to what I had before. It’s a loss. It’s different. But hopefully it’ll get easier as time goes on.
Thank you so much again for sharing your experiences and wisdom with me; I so appreciate your being there for me! You’ve been such a huge help!
Wow, you certainly gave me a lot to think about, in a very good way! Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful reply.
I so appreciate your input on dealing with my family. I never thought about the idea that my sensitive nature makes me “powerful” with them… I kinda love that…haha. It is very possible that I won’t be able to show them my deeper self if this continues, and even though I would hate to close off from them, you are right – I need to protect that heart of mine no matter what. Your approach made perfect sense to me, and I love the idea of having an overwhelm word. I’ll try all of this the next time I see them, and if after that they still don’t get the memo, I’ll just have to adjust how much I share with them. That will suck, but I need to do what I need to do to feel safe. (I really wish I could lean on my guy-friend and talk to him about all this; maybe it’s something he can relate to. It’d be interesting to hear if he’s been in situations like this, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if our connection holds up…)
Your perspective on rejection as a revealer of “cracks” in self-esteem is one I never considered. I normally just try to push through rejection/fear of rejection and ignore it because, as you said, it is a universal experience. But between my guy-friend moving away, my family coming after me, and watching my friends start new lives with new husbands (this month has been really rough for me), that fear has come to the forefront of my mind, where I cannot ignore it anymore. I had no idea how much it affected me subconsciously until all of this happened… and now I do. You’re right; pain really is a good teacher. Not a very nice one sometimes, but very effective. It IS part of relationships (it was definitely there even with my guy-friend; it was worth dealing with to be close to him, but it was still hard sometimes), so I guess I just need to learn what the pain is trying to tell me and go from there. And yes; I remember your perspective on dating being like going to school and learning about myself, how to deal with rejection, etc. I think I got a little ahead of myself with everything going on and put more pressure on the dating process than I needed to! Hopefully I’ll be ready to expand my horizons in that way once I heal a little more.
Thank you so much for sharing a little bit of your personal experiences as well; I was quite surprised to read all that. Isn’t it ironic that mature, fun, high-quality people, people who would make amazing partners, sometimes struggle to find other amazing partners? While more immature, dopamine-seeking folks (there’s a ton of those in my generation) seem to have the opposite sex knocking at their door constantly?! Obviously there’s many exceptions, but that’s a trend I’ve noticed, and it seems so unfair. But your experiences are also very encouraging – 1, that I’m not alone in the comparison game, and 2, if you can thrive outside of a relationship, maybe I can, too. It’s very hard for me to imagine that with the heartache I’m experiencing, but I still appreciate and value that perspective – after all, you have a lot more experience than me with this stuff. Even with the hurt, I’d much rather be single than in a mediocre/bad relationship. I’ve seen family and friends get into relationships like that (some even with narcissists), and that is not something I want to get myself into just to have a guy in my life; that’s NOT WORTH IT. You said it well – all I can do is focus on being the best person I can be right now and be open to opportunities to get to know good guys I encounter. It’s honestly very inspiring that you’ve come to such a solid place in your life, even without a guy! Maybe I’ll get there, too, eventually; it’s just taking a little longer than I thought it would.
And THANK YOU for saying those things about my strong emotions/sensitivity being a gift. I’ve always felt like my sensitivity/ASD made me childish and inherently inferior to those who have a higher threshold than I. It was so wonderful to have a relationship with someone I didn’t have to explain myself to, who accepted those quirky parts of me and showed up for me through it. I did try that technique though, and you are right; it is very powerful! I did start to feel a little shift; hopefully that will continue as I do it more.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your sharing and supporting and taking the time to help me sort through all of these swirling thoughts and feelings. My thinking gets pretty clouded when I’m hurting like this (CLEARLY haha), but I’m trying to stay grounded and keep my head above water. Thank you for helping me do that!
Thank you so much for your input! That perspective on “going after what I want” makes a whole lot of sense. If/when I meet someone else, he’ll be different than my guy-friend, so my approach will have to be different. I’d be curious to know what it would be like to be with a guy that’s a little more of a pursuer… it’d be interesting to compare experiences.
Dating seems to be so complicated and nuanced; it’s always scared me to put myself out there more in that respect. The family situation doesn’t help with that. I saw my family a couple days ago, and unprovoked, they confronted me about “always being quiet/sad,” and I just about LOST IT – I shut down pretty much the rest of the time there. I told my mother on the way home, saying things like I think you all forget that I’m on the spectrum, the social things that come naturally to you take a LOT of effort for me, that’s especially true now because I’m going through a major loss, I feel like my every move is being critiqued, etc. She completely understood and said she would help fight for me if that ever happens again. But after that incident, I think I do need to sit them all down… do you have any suggestions as to how to approach that conversation?
Even though I am grateful that my family situation is helping me hone in my authenticity, it has also made me a little insecure. I’m worried that men will look at me and go, “Hell no, she’s too much…” I know logically that that just means he’s not my person, but it makes me wonder – if my family is this quick to jump down my throat, how the heck will another man, a STRANGER, react to me? As much as I pride myself on my authenticity and want to be one of those rare people that brings that to dating, this all makes me wonder if I have to change in order to be loved. I know I shouldn’t let men’s opinions of me affect my self-worth, but as I watch my younger(!) friends get married and settle down, I can’t help but feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me. It scares me so much; it makes me emotional just typing it out. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s okay, my friends are just on a different timeline than I, I’m holding out for someone whose bag of crazy matches mine (with better timing haha)… but it’s hard to shake that fear. I don’t know if any of that makes sense; hopefully it does.
In other news… I have yet to “talk” to my guy-friend ONE TIME without crying like crazy. It has been very helpful and therapeutic; I just wish my emotions weren’t so strong. But I’m trying to just accept the fact that my emotional state is a little rough right now and give my feelings a space to be expressed, even when others won’t do that for me.
Seriously, I hope you know how much I appreciate your “listening” to me. I hope I’m not sounding like a broken record; forgive me if I am. I’ve been learning a lot from you as I recover, and even though I have a long way to go, I do think I’m a long way from where I was three weeks ago. So thank you so much!
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate them so much. It has been such a pleasure talking to you as well. You have been such a huge help, and I can’t thank you enough for joining my healing journey!
I totally see your point about changing his title. I’ve called him my “work husband” for about a year and a half now – I heard that phrase on a TV show, and it just stuck. I always told myself it was a title of habit more than anything else, but if I’m honest, the “husband” story IS something I have thought and fantasized about. I know it’s a narrative I have to change given the change in our relationship with his move. It’s a hard one for me to part ways with, but I know it needs to happen at this point. Maybe I’ll call him my “guy-friend” – we are friends and that’s all we can be at this point, and even though I wish life was more kind to us and we could be more, I cherish his place in my life so, so much.
It’s interesting you mention him possibly being on the spectrum… almost EVERYONE who has seen us together has asked me about that. If it’s true, not only would it explain A LOT, but it would actually make me love him even more. That’s because believe it or not, I’m actually on the spectrum, too. I was diagnosed when I was VERY young, and even though I received intense therapy as a child and “grew out of it,” it is still something that affects me. I think I’m more socially apt than my guy-friend (that example I gave you is just one of many “facepalm moments” I’ve had with him), but I follow social graces more for the sake of others’ comfort than for my own. There are some unspoken dating rules that my brain simply cannot comprehend, and others that I think are just plain STUPID (hahaha). Like the idea that the man has to initiate – even though I learned a great deal from you about why there is inherent value in that tradition and can see that perspective now (thank you so much for that!), there is still a little piece of my brain that’s like, “But if I see something I want, I should be free to go after it…RIGHT?!” Haha. I think the ASD is partly why I developed such a special bond with him – the only people who can truly understand what it’s like to be on the spectrum are other folks who are on the spectrum.
He did shut down a bit when he was stressed; I could tell almost immediately. When his dad died, he was EXTREMELY quiet for a while; he would even go home to eat lunch. So I’d stop by his desk each day for about a month and ask him about his day, share something funny that happened, or just offer a piece of encouragement (he had told me previously that he likes to be distracted when stressed). A few weeks in, I even told him, “I hope I’m not bothering you. I’ve missed my lunch buddy lately, so I’ve been coming to your desk each day to offer you a smile and a laugh and keep connecting with you, because I value you so much. I hope that’s okay.” And he smiled and said, “You’re not bothering me at all; I really appreciate that. And just so you know, I’ve been going home for lunch because my grandma is visiting, not because of anything you’ve done.” (I did get to meet his grandma and see her a few times… she LOVES ME hahaha!) I’ve found that the more direct I am, the better he responds and communicates what’s going on. I was super nervous at first that I would scare him off with my directness, but that never happened. If I needed something – support, comfort, a listening ear – I never had to be afraid to come right out and ask. And he would gladly provide it for me.
I think my family often forgets that I’m on the spectrum and therefore will approach dating and relationships a little differently (they insist that no one would ever be able to tell that I have that diagnosis…apparently including them!). They would often suggest ways to handle things that came up with him, but none of them really spoke to me. So I’d handle them my own way (like in the above example), and he would respond very well. My family would be like, “Girl – how did you do that?!” I’d just shrug and smile! I think addressing them and communicating my needs in the moment would be a great place to start, and if they don’t respond well, then I can sit them down and try a more serious, in-depth approach. I’ll be seeing them later today, so we’ll see how it goes… I know they love me and want to support me the best they can, so hopefully I can show them how they can do that.
Indeed, even though my relationship with my guy-friend looked different than your average relationship, I think that’s what made it special. We DIDN’T follow the rules. I did put in a lot of effort, but I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t feel any sort of romantic chemistry with him. The way he’d position his body toward mine in group settings, the way his hugs would linger (and I would linger too haha), the way he looked at me when I touched him… I saw something. I FELT something. Yes, it could be frustrating for me to keep initiating, but look at the end result – as you put so perfectly, we created something beautiful and nourishing. We care deeply about each other, enjoy each other’s company, and are there for each other through the good and the bad. THAT is what’s most important to me! And I miss him so much. He understands me in a way that most people simply can’t. I think that’s why this healing process has been such a difficult one. It’s hard for me to let go of something like that, but I promise I’m trying. Thank you again for providing a platform for me to air all of these things out and accelerate my healing process.
Oh man, not the bad stuff… hahaha. Well, he is kinda dense socially; hence why I originally reached out to see how I could get it through his thick skull that I FREAKING LIKE HIM. He is TERRIBLE at reading signals, almost comically so! I had to be super direct with him. On our “last supper,” I told him, “I’ll be on the west coast two weekends a year for some personal commitments… what if I made a stop in your neck of the woods?” He said, “Oh, but that’s a detour; you’d have to check your schedule.” *FACEPALM!* I had to say, “Dude, I would have that figured out – the point is, I want to visit you!” He finally got it and said “Ohhhhhhhh. Yes, I’d love that!” I had to stop myself from laughing out loud… silly man.
He could be very private at times, too. Not suspiciously so, but it could be annoying. He opened up and shared a bit more during his last few weeks here, but whenever I gave him an opportunity to talk about his dad (I wanted to try to hold space for him), he shot it down. With grace, of course. Still, he and I seem to process emotional grief quite differently, and although I could find other ways to be there for him, it WAS something that caught my attention.
We both are introverts, but he’s definitely more introverted than me (I’m a self-proclaimed “extroverted introvert”). Between that and trying to provide for his family from a distance after his dad died, he seemed to have a limited capacity for a full-on relationship. I intuitively understood that I would have to be the one to initiate hangouts. And I often was. We always had fun when we hung out together, and he would be wonderful and attentive. But I was the one to get that ball rolling, and he would keep it rolling. This is one of the major reasons why my family had such an issue with our relationship: it was unbalanced in terms of hangout initiation. What kept me going was the fact that we were friends first, and I wanted to be there for my friend, help him have some fun, and be a light during his difficult times (and enjoy his lovely, manly presence as an added bonus hahaha). He expressed clear gratitude for each invite I extended, so it was worth it to me, but I admit that it could be frustrating.
Moral of the story: My work husband is human. He certainly is not perfect. But it seems that most people have my good and bad reversed (a lot of hangout initiation but not as many “little things” nor as strong of a soul connection), so I’ll take it.
I LOVE the Marco Polo idea! Video messages could be a really cool way to stay connected and bring us closer. I’m definitely suggesting that to him, and to my other friends too! And yes; I’ll try “talking to him” more and see how I feel after a week or so.
Funny videos/shows always lift me up when I’m down, too (I’m so sorry that happened to you; it might not be the same, but I’m sure the pain was still very real – that sounds paralyzing)! I’ll often watch really silly cartoons after work to get my spirits up. And creativity is a wonderful outlet as well! I’ll have to see if there’s a store like that where I am. I really enjoy songwriting, too…I’ve written a song during almost every major event in my life (it’s like my “journaling”). I have an app on my phone that helps me create the background music as well. I even wrote a song specifically for my work husband when his dad died; I sent it to him when he left and he seemed to really love it. It’s the most personal gift I can give someone! But I finished a new, more raw song a couple days ago that told our story; that was EXTREMELY cathartic for me.
I could see my family being receptive to that conversation, but I could also see them being stuck in their ways. I’d love to hear some ways of approaching it; maybe one will stick out and I can try it! Either way, thank you again for your guidance and input thus far!
Thank you so so much for your input. I thought I was crazy at first for crying so much over this, so I appreciate your validation a whole lot. Yes; we texted a bit this past weekend (I couldn’t resist reaching out; I was dying to hear about his first week at his new job). He’s settling in well and transitioning smoothly, which I was happy to hear, and we exchanged “I miss you”s.
It feels weird texting him instead of talking to him; this is uncharted territory because I really tried not to text him when he was here (I knew I’d see him at work and catch up at lunch). It’s just strange to not see him, touch him, hear him giggle… I’m used to seeing him almost every day, so it feels different without the physicality. Maybe the texting/calling thing will feel more natural as time goes on, or maybe it’ll just fizzle out…I guess time will tell. Either way, it is nice to reach out without wondering if I’m being a pest (haha), and it was wonderful to hear he’s missing me too and to just connect with him, even if it does look a little different.
Regarding my friends, it’s actually my family members who have been more problematic. Every time I show a bit of sadness with them, all I get is a bunch of glares and a barrage of “get over it”s and “life goes on”s. I live with my parents to save up a bit, so I cannot escape them. Most of my family doesn’t care to ask WHY I’m feeling so sad, the role my work husband played in my life and the stories about him, or what he means to me, all because it looked a little different than your typical relationship… family is supposed to be that safe place; it always was for me until now. It is INFURIATING. I know they love me, and I do love them and am very close to them, but right now, they’re treating me like a child and not taking this loss seriously. What’s ironic is they will often come to me if they need to vent or process something – I’m a pro at holding space for them (and I enjoy doing it!), but it’s rare that they do the same for me. Hence why I’m so thankful to you for your validation and for holding space for me to share our story.
My friends are a bit traditional as well, but they have been much more supportive and invested in this whole saga. Even so, they’re scattered all over the country and are at different places in their lives than I (all of them are engaged/married/have serious boyfriends except one; needless to say, hearing them talk about that is a little triggering haha). I can’t hang out with them or lean on them as much as I would like because of that, so I would love to expand my horizons and make new friends too. It’s a little intimidating to think about, but I know the reward is worth the risk.
I love your pieces of advice. I did try “talking to him” through a voice memo last night…it was actually really cathartic. I think that will be especially helpful for me given my family situation. And I DEFINITELY could use some more fun in my life; I’ll have to poke around and see what I could get involved with in my town. Thank you so much for those suggestions and for allowing me to vent and let everything out!
Oh my word – I thought I was the only one who noticed that so many people are too afraid to deal with their pain and project that discomfort onto others who are hurting (like me)! It’s incredibly sad; I never want to become one of those people. I’m a weirdo in that I’m not afraid of my emotions – it’s very cathartic for me to release my feelings and talk about my relationship with my work husband, but not many are willing to listen because it was very unconventional (my friends and family are mostly traditional). So I can’t thank you enough for holding space for me to honor his memory.
I love(d) him because we share similar souls. We are very close to our families, we are just starting our careers trying to figure out our paths, we are “old souls,” we grew up in religious environments and developed our own version of faith that has room for lived experience, we are scientists and HUGE nerds, and we have a love for 80s rock and roll. It was at a Halloween party a couple years ago that we first discovered that – a Journey song came on, we both sang along, and he said I had a pretty voice (and my face turned bright red haha). Since that party, we would blare 80s rock in the car when we hung out outside of work.
I miss his “good morning” and “good night” he’d say every day pretty much without fail; it was a little thing that always made me feel seen and loved. I miss how he would make extra effort towards me when I was sick or feeling stressed. (One time I ate a sandwich with moldy cheese and didn’t realize it until it was too late, and the next morning he pretty much ran up to me and said “Are you okay? Any side effects from yesterday? How are you feeling?” It was so cute!) I miss eating lunch with him – even on the days that we didn’t say a word to each other, it was just wonderful knowing I have this man across from me who was there if I need anything. I miss his weird, stupid jokes and banter sessions that tickled me pink. I miss the way he would frequently ask about my future career direction with genuine curiosity and offered insights I never even considered. I miss the way he always encouraged me and believed in me when I didn’t have the strength to believe in myself. I miss the way he accepted EVERY part of me and CELEBRATED me for it – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Nothing I did could scare him off ¬– not emotional expressivity, not flirting fails, and not even anxiety attacks. Being connected to him felt like home; he is/was one of the few people I feel safe with to be fully myself.
I miss his physical presence as well. I miss the way he would tenderly look at me when my speech impediment flared up. I miss the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles. I miss the way he flipped his hair when it got in his eyes – it gave me chills EVERY SINGLE TIME. I miss how mind-blowingly sexy he looked in his lab coat. I miss his warm, long hugs; time stopped every time he held me in his arms. I miss his cute little giggle-moan he would let out when we hugged.
I think this is what I find so special about our connection: I loved him as a person first, and THEN I realized I found him insanely physically attractive. JACKPOT. It made each moment even more intimate. Heck, I still think about our cuddles on his last day and all the sweet things he said about me; I don’t think I will ever forget them. He is such a soft, gentle man who perfectly complements me. And I love him for it.
Our relationship might not have had the opportunity to develop a label because of his family’s situation and his need to go home, but in my opinion, that does not mean it was not real. It’s almost harder that he left because of life circumstances and not because of a fight or something like that – if it was, at least I could trash-talk him and easily convince myself that I am better off without him. It was not perfect, especially with the heavy stuff he experienced, but I think we would have had what it takes to go the distance; I feel like we share(d) a genuine love for each other. It is/was much deeper than the superficial limerence that is glamorized these days. One of my good friends said that we have/had a “true love relationship,” something that even some married couples don’t have. I feel lucky to have experienced something so special on my first go!
I’m crying as I’m typing all of this. I love telling our story – I miss him so, so much, and talking about him makes me feel like he is still in my heart and part of my tree (it’s like a loved one passing away, kind of). I know you get paid to do this, but it still means a lot. And I would love to hear more guidance as I heal; I want to learn and grow and be one of those rare people that does not put pain in a box, both for my own sake and for others’.
Thank you again for asking me about him and why he is/was such a special person to me and for helping me sort through my strong feelings! I appreciate it more than I can say!
Oh my goodness, your response had me teary, in the best possible way! Your understanding and empathy are so greatly appreciated, especially as many of those closest to me are pushing me to “get over it” and “move on” (hence why I originally questioned the normalcy of my feelings). I make no qualms about being a more sensitive person, so I do not deal with heartache the same way they do. This seems like a good opportunity for me to strengthen my relationship with myself and not rely on where others believe I “should” be. You said it quite well; I need to step back and do for myself what I wish they would do for me – give grace and patience and comfort as I feel what I need to feel. I have to go at my own pace, and it is so refreshing to know that it is okay to do so.
I love the tree analogy you described. I love that even though the branch that is my guy might go silent, it will always be part of my tree. I feel like there is a part of my heart that will always love him and cherish him and want the best for him, even if/when someone else comes into my life. He is my first, and he has set the bar extremely high – we really have/had such a powerful, nourishing connection. I did not think I was capable of loving a man this deeply, let alone him loving me. I am heartbroken, but as weird as it might sound, this is the most beautiful pain I have ever felt. But I will try to stay open to new, different “branches” as I recover!
Although I have a long way to go, I feel like I have grown a lot from this relationship and from your insights. I honestly do not think I would have developed the courage to escalate our connection and share those intimate moments with him without your support and wisdom, and for that, I am so grateful to you. Thank you so very much for helping me navigate this uncharted territory!
Hi again! It’s been quite a while! My work husband left for good a few days ago (he stayed MUCH longer than I anticipated!), so I wanted to ask for some input.
For context, I took your advice and began flirting with him a little more overtly. My first (and favorite) was during lunch a while back –
Me: By the way, I meant to tell you, you looked EXTRA handsome yesterday.
Him: [looks at me like I sprouted a second head]
Me: That shirt you were wearing… 10/10 would recommend.
Him: Oh, uh… thank you! I honestly wasn’t really trying.
Me: Okay, so it just comes naturally to you; that’s what you’re trying to tell me?!
[laughs and immediately changes the subject]Since then, he’d tell me I looked “really good,” we’d joke around and have deep talks, hug a little longer after our nights out… all was going quite well. And then I found out a month ago that he finally found a job back home after searching for almost a year.
We went on our “last supper” two weeks ago. He called me “beautiful,” pulled out my chair, got the check… it felt like a date. As we walked back to the car, I “confessed” my feelings – I didn’t say “I like you” (because that’s his job!), but I said that I’ll cherish the memories we shared, I’m used to spending every day with this “lovely, lovely man” and it won’t be the same without him, and a bunch of other things. He effectively echoed it back and hugged me and would not let me go, and I could hear him giggling. Yep, I thought. He likes me back. Not that anything can happen right now because he needs to go and tend to his family, but still… I WAS RIGHT!
On his last day, I walked him out and said a proper “see you later” (we agreed that we would stay in touch and possibly visit). He hugged me twice for what felt like forever (he pretty much cuddled me haha) and said such sweet things as I melted in his arms: “You’re so sweet, you’re so gentle, you’re so soft, but you’re also so strong.” I cried afterwards and roasted myself for being an emotional person, and he said, “That’s you. And I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
I know right now is not the right time for us to be in a relationship, and I know I need to keep my eyes and mind open for if/when another man comes into my life. But honestly, it’s incredibly hard for me to do that right now. I don’t plan on “waiting” for him (I’m not that crazy haha), but it still hurts so badly that I found such a wonderful man but the only thing missing was the timing. How am I supposed to believe that I can have a connection with someone else that will come close to the connection I have/had with him?! I know most people fall in love multiple times in their lives so therefore there is hope, but it’s hard for me to comprehend that after experiencing this (I know I’m young, but it’s still hard).
I guess my question is this: is it normal to feel all of these things? Do you have any advice for me as I heal? Thank you so much in advance for any input you can give me!
Forgive me for such a delayed response! Yes, you explained that distinction wonderfully; that all makes sense. And I’m glad my approach has been a healthy one thus far; I’ll try to keep that up, haha. Thank you very much for your validation and clarification!
And I’m so sorry that happened to you! But it is reassuring that I’m not alone in the struggle to love/forgive myself. It’s definitely tough, but I’m starting to see it the same way you do – if I can offer that compassion to him, and if others can offer it to me, I can surely offer it to myself, too.
Thank you again for all of your help, guidance, and input thus far, Heidi. Who knows where this friendship/pseudo-relationship will go, but whether or not it goes the way I hope, I’ve certainly learned a lot from this experience and from you. I sincerely appreciate it!
That all makes perfect sense. Thank you so much for your input!
He has seen me stressed a few times before this incident, and every time, he has been so sweet, gentle, and supportive. You are completely right about this being a gift, because now I know with absolute certainty that he won’t run from me when I’m like that. This week he treated me no differently than he always does – he still ate lunch with me, chatted with me, teased me and joked with me, etc. It makes me love him and see him as partner material even more. I’m going to hang out with him outside of work soon, and if the opportunity arises for me to mention that I’m trying to learn where the attack came from and work on it, I definitely will (and I’ll look for appropriate opportunities to flirt, too, haha). This is a side of myself that isn’t easy for me to love – it’s one of my biggest insecurities, but I’m doing my best to work through it. And it helps knowing that I’m safe with him.
I actually have a question in light of your points about men wanting to be with a woman who doesn’t depend on them for their happiness, because I remember your mentioning before that men also want to feel like they have a purpose in their woman’s life. Where exactly is the line between making him feel needed in a good way and coming across as needy? I would NEVER want to come off that way and look insecure and dependent, but I also want to give him opportunities to be there for me, both so he can feel like he has purpose and so I can experience the pleasure of leaning on him. How can I do that without being needy?
Thank you again for all of your input and guidance thus far!
Thank you so much for that perspective; I never thought about the “right” guy that way. But it certainly makes sense – the ideal is a forever person, but there is no guarantee of that. And I want to authentically enjoy every man I meet and not go in with an agenda, so hopefully that mindset will help.
I completely agree with everything you said about flirting. It still scares me, but I’m trying to look for opportunities to take a chance and show him that I want him. But something actually happened last week that put my imperfections on full display in ALL the wrong ways…
I had a tough weekend last weekend and was feeling down, and I opened up to him about it; he was thoughtful and attentive as usual. We went out to lunch with a couple that he is friends with. They told the story of how they got together (they are coworkers, funny enough), and my guy said that his friends have had relationships with colleagues that went south, you have to see them every day, etc. I wasn’t shocked by any of this information (he had briefly mentioned his friends’ relationships before), but after the weekend I had, I hit my breaking point. My heart started pounding and racing, my head started throbbing, and I began to hyperventilate – I had an anxiety attack. At the worst possible time. In front of him. They were all very sweet about it (I apologized up and down and they said “Hey, we’re all scientists here – we understand!”), and my guy even said that he has had panic attacks before and gave me some advice on what to do if it happens again. “I’m always here for you; let me know if you need anything at all,” he said.
Still, I’m scared that I blew my cover. He and I still ate together the next day, but I am still petrified that my anxiety attack ruined everything. I’m worried that he’ll distance himself from me if he interprets it as me having feelings for him and he feels like he shouldn’t date a colleague (although I know just because he has reservations about dating colleagues doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have feelings for me…), even though sometimes I have attacks for no apparent reason. I guess my question is this: how do I handle this? Do I talk to him about it and tackle it head-on, or just carry on like normal and see what happens? Or something in between? How can I even approach flirting now after an incident like this? Thank you so much in advance for any guidance you can provide!
Thank you so much for your perspective!
What’s kind of ironic is that I find flirting much scarier than telling him how I feel. Honestly, I think a lot of that fear comes from the fact that flirting is new to me and that there’s so much gray area to it. For whatever reason, it’s much easier for me to come right out with it in a black-and-white manner than to experiment with the gray areas of flirting. I’ve never felt so attracted to someone, and I’m afraid that if I flirt a little more obviously and/or compliment his physical attributes and it comes out awkward, he’ll pull away from me. I know logically that the chances of that happening are slim because we’re so close, but it still scares me nevertheless. (There have been moments where I felt like I put my foot in my mouth, but he’d still eat with me the next day, so clearly I didn’t scare him away haha.)
The depth of my feelings is another source of fear. This is why I feel guilty (“ashamed” is probably a better word for it) when he catches me looking at him – because I feel like I have to hide my feelings at work, so I feel ashamed when they sneak their way out. For the past few days, I’ve been trying to resist that mindset, allow myself to feel pleasure by looking at him and smiling and enjoying his presence, and let my feelings be free. It’s been quite difficult, but I’ve been learning a lot, and I feel thankful to be practicing on someone who is patient and compassionate with me, whether anything happens romantically or not (but I secretly hope it does!).
I sincerely appreciate your validating my fears with dating and more specifically the apps; sometimes I feel like the only 90-year-old trapped inside a 20-something-year-old’s body, haha. Your perspective on dating being like going to school is one that I never considered; it definitely takes the pressure off! And I agree that it would be so beneficial to get to know a new side of myself that I’ve never experienced before. I’ll have to poke around and see what’s happening around my town and get connected. I love to sing, so maybe there’s a karaoke night somewhere nearby I can go to with some friends. I’ve been wanting to become more active in my church as well … hopefully, if nothing else, I can just interact with new people and build my skills. Fingers crossed that will help prepare me for when the right guy crosses my path!
