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I think a support group is an excellent idea and I didn’t know they existed for those who don’t have the illness.
What does that mean in your mind? What does “giving up” look like?
In my mind it looks like letting go of what was so important for 30 years…FAMILY. He is so focused on himself. Sometimes I think he would be fine walking away and never looking back.So if he gets taken advantage of, then what? What do you think will happen to him if a woman uses him for his money?
I saw what the one date did in the fall. I truly feel it knocked his ego big time and that was a couple of dates. What if someone doesn’t love him and uses him for money? I think it could truly cause him to have a breakdown. After the date in the fall, he was put on anxiety meds. I’m sure that wasn’t the only reason for the anxiety, but there was definitely a change in him after that and the fraud.So…maybe you are afraid that you won’t be able to say no to him if he comes and asks for your help? And let’s say you are the backup plan…then what? You decide to step into that role and help him. Then what? What are you afraid will happen next?
I think you are right, I won’t be able to say no. I obviously love him, but he is the father of my kids and I need to support the family. If I was the backup plan, it means he couldn’t find better to accept and love him. If I stepped in, I fear anger and resentment over what he did to me and our family. I think trust would really waiver and I deserve someone who believes in their wedding vows and doesn’t run.You are going on “dates.” You are spending a lot of time together and still bonding, but also watching him walk away and keeping a wall up. So…what do YOU want? And what you want, cannot be about what you want from him. He is who he is right now and maybe he will be like this until the end…who knows. You have to deal with the present moment. So given who he is, given that he is shutting you out, given that he is dating, and given that he has no plans of changing any of that, what do YOU want?
Are they dates if they are completely platonic? What I truly want is my family back together and for him to realize the mistake he has made. So many people around us have spoken about the amazing team we were and how much love there is between us. I want to help him navigate his diagnosis and I do want to support him. Last fall, when everything happened, it was me he turned to because he knew he could count on me and I would support him. The boundaries are complicated.
What am I really concerned about in regards to his will being?
That is a loaded question with many different answers. I am terrified of him losing himself and giving up. I fear him being taken advantage of. He has a great pension and a new wife would get half of that. Some women might think the Parkinson’s but have a good payout. From a selfish point, I fear him coming to his senses and realizing a lot of people might not want to deal with his condition and I don’t want to be the backup plan.
I understand you saying We are not on the same page but it would be so much easier if it was black and white. How do I choose to help myself when I feel like he is so confused?
Thank you Coach Spyce for taking the time to care and share. You brought me to tears with your comment; we do everything we can while the person is still here to have our peace and closure. I feel like I have checked the hurt and disappointment to try and save someone I can’t save. I am no doctor, but I have researched Parkinson’s and it doesn’t add up. I can see a slight tremor, he’s slower, and he’s gait is different, but his mind… He is all about him and this was a man who always put family first. His first grandchild arrived in July and the first four months there was very little interaction. He has gotten better, but he doesn’t engage, and apathy is definitely lacking. Is this the PD, a breakdown, mid-life crisis?!?! I can handle the changes, but my kids, especially my girls are really struggling.
My response is so delayed because I found out he was on Match.com and talking to several women. He was to go on a date on Sunday. I was hurt, but he said he wanted to move on, and I must be in severe denial. I got a knock on my door, and it was him. He was in a bad place and told me he canceled the date last minute. Now I know he was excited and feeling like a frat boy. (I didn’t witness this, but two of my kids told me they were put off by his locker room mentality.) In my original post, I mentioned a date and the girl not being so nice about the PD and then the identity theft. I think he had a panic attack. He did not tell this girl he has PD and I truly don’t think she would have noticed. At first, he didn’t want to talk. He had seen Boys in the Boat and knew I wanted to see it. He asked if I’d like to go and I did. The movie ended around 8:30 and he said you must be hungry. Can we grab some dinner? I did and was hopeful he might talk, but he didn’t want to discuss the date or his dating life. At times it was strained, because I truly didn’t know what to say.
He is still living with my daughter until next month and I am there 4-5 days a week to watch our grandson. Yesterday he was attentive and talkative. He asked if he could join me and our grandson on our walk. We walked for about an hour and he told me the girl forgave him and he is still talking to her and a few others. No, I did not ask! I did say that site seems to be keeping him busy and it was rude, but he is always on this second phone. He told me he canceled his membership, but still has a couple more weeks. He’s moving on by divorcing me, buying his own home, on a dating site, and going on dates, but then its more mixed signals. Coach, you mentioned boundaries. Did I do the wrong thing?
This weekend my ex and I watch the grandson and I have no idea how to navigate this. We will be in the same house and in different bedrooms. I would love it to be like old times where we talk, laugh, and have fun, but what are the boundaries? Do we take turns, do things together, what if he goes on a date, do I cook? I don’t want tension or him uncomfortable and how do I navigate him texting women when I so badly want to shake some sense into hi, but maybe I need the sense shaken into me. He divorced me and he is moving on.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such a thoughtful response. I definitely value and agree with you.
I know I need to step back, but I have so many fears. My two biggest; his well-being and will he miss me? I know it sounds pathetic, but with him on a dating site, I can’t help but to feel replaceable and that during his most trying time he throws me away like garbage.
