[Noora K]

How by the way you would aproach this so called “no contact” rule if you would be me?
I’m affraid that my healing will take long long time because I have to keep some contact because we have son together and I’m worried that it is triggering my cortisol levels and he will have some emotional hold on me because of that.
For example I notice that I’m worried to do some neccesary stuff what would be right to do for me and my son, but to him not maybe or at least he will approach this that I’m just nasty b*tch who wants him to suffer.
I try to say to my self that doing nothing are not making my and my son maitance any better and that does not matter what he will approach to this. But I want to have some good terms to not make it just difficult fight to me and be hurted about his tantrums. He probably knows how to manipulate me, he always had, because I’m kind person and I have tendence to care how my actions are affecting to others.
And the love have not yet gone away even tho I care less about his life and how he wants to live it and I as well do want to be part of it.

So what I can and should do if you get the red line from here what I mean about that.

[Noora K]

My therapy started today, nothing much to say just telled my story of these couple of months and that was mostly it. Seeing again him next week so at least some thing.

And yes, I think I am brilliant as well. 😁
You are more than wellcome to use that, it makes me feel good if that notice can help someone else too. 🙏🏻

That is maybe true but atleast I’m not there yet but more in the rollercoaster still, even tho I have now some short of acceptence that it is over. Mostly because I can’t see that he would never change, maybe he will never cheat again I don’t know, but he was always lying even from stupid stuffs and that behaviour you can’t change so easily and he will lye again and that reason there could be never trust on him.
That is sad because it will reflects on his son, not maybe now but it will.

You know I’m in facebook in the group of people who have broken up. I’m just amazed from my self when I’m looking the posts. I have been in the hospital just month ago and I was week sick leave after that and I have been working and taking care of my son, my house, could take care better for my self but it is normal as a mom, I have seeked help, there is really short time pasted but still I have been able to find already some peace with it etc. And there are people who have broke up months ago, years ago and they are still in the same cycle like the broke up just happened and they are not able to work and those post are realy debressive and this is coming from person who is debressive. I don’t want that, that I would be rolling in endles ferris wheel and waste my life for hopping something what is never going to happen any way.
And yes there is couples who have gone back togethet and lived happily ever after, but how I can truly know how happily ever after that is. And so what? More important is how truly I would be in this kind of relationship, how I would addapt and feel and would I be happy.
Answer to my self is no changes and I would just suffer. I love my self more than want to suffer this way again.

It was really funny moment in this “break up” group when some one said to me “you propably know the feeling that you rather would join in orgias with sheeps than feel this way” 😅 and I truly think it over and I was like “actualy I don’t”. I have never liked anal sex, forced to try it and was not my thing. So I really finded from this silly stuff the light pulp moment which I said in my brain: “You would not let any one to fuck you in the ass even tho it would pring your ex back, you would not do it. Seriously you where ready to die but ass fuck would cross the line” 😂 And I started to just laugh because I realized that it was so stupid what I have done to my sellf and over what?

So this is the thing now with me.

[Noora K]

Well I reflect my self a lot and do this inner speech and I have noticed that I am conected to my feelings and can say those and describe those and I’m very proud about my self that I can do this. I think when I view my relationship and his behavior, his lies, his calmness etc. That he was not like that, that it is part of his problem that he is not connected to his feelings and is able to show them in healthy ways which affected me as well and my emotion non healthy ways.
Of course it still hurts me that I gave so much and get so little back. I hoped that his eyes would open and change in in would started or something like this and I was keeping hold on this hope that things would change. But they did not and things went even worst and I think now I can see him more in his true colours.
Maybe he is as well pain because of me I don’t know and does it really matters, because I am pain because of him and that matters. He have deteled all our pics together probably to that woman and no because seeing those would hurt and yes I felt pain to see that again but it does not matter truly what is the case of why he did something or did not do something, that matters that keeping him in my heart just hurts me and I was allowing this to conttinnue for my self.
I feel like that these couple days I have seen the light and I feel some short of inner peace. I feel that I’m ready to choose my self and I now chouse my self. Yes there is still long road in head of me to treat my self better and put the bounderies better and not try to please people to so much just to seeck their love. It should not matter and I need to love my self not somebody else. If I’m alone, so what? I’m then with person still who loves me, me.
That is so true that I can now choose and is this what I wanted and want, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I can’t change that it happened, but now I can choose better and I can choose not to fall back to let someone to mistreat my self.
I have asked: “would you take him back”
My answer have been now: “No”
Why? They askes and I say honestly: “because the trust is gone for good”
Some say that when I have forgiven then I’m healed and I say: “I do not neet to forgive assault to be healed and that is huge ask for any one who are mistreated and guilts the victim and I choose not to be victim anymore and be survivor, you do how you feel the best in your life and let me live how I want mine”
I have asked if he would change and crawl back and beg my love what I would do? And that is triggy question because I know I want to say no, but I’m affraid that I would say yes, and because I have noticed this feeling there would be only answer and aswer is NO I would not go back with him. Even tho part of me would want that hope back and good times back, but the truth is there would be nevet trust again, it would not be ever same again, beeing with him would trigger constatly this trauma over and over again. Why I would do that to my self and would want to be in that kind of life?
I do not want that.
So maybe these couple days I have found something, me and focused me and asked my self what you want and finded the true aswer to that question. I want me, I want to be happy, I want to live in peace and I do not accomplish these with him.
So I let him go because it is the best thing which I can now do to my self.

[Noora K]

Well Heidi after hospital I was kind of lefted alone without help. I got very good help and progress in hospital but then nothing. I don’t know how I did it but I fighted to get help after that.
When I knew debression has started in Sebtember I went to occupational health doctor and started occupational therapy session witch are only three times and as well I was on sick leave and started debression meds.
No any contact exept sometimes that occupational doctor. My work was planed to be more lighter with les working hours in tripartite negotiation. Of course because of meds helped I started to see things more clearer and my husband behavior more clearer.
I went to sick leave for debression on what he did to support me? Nothing.
I had to woke up with our son and do the homeworks and hold responsipility even tho I already was even sick leave because I was exhausted. But I was still driving and able the do everything what should be done no matter what I felt inside.
So because of those appointments of uccupational doctor I got this evaluation time to occupational psychiatric doctor which leaded me to hospital because I found out that the lies still conttinnued and I got mental break down.
So I thought that the doctor made covering to therapy and I said it even in hospital. After hospital I found out that nothing have been made. So I had to call and ask and call again and ask again to insurence company, to doctor to that psyciatric doctor etc.
And I got like cople week ago notice that now I can assets appointment time which I got 4.1.24 so the answer is I haven have yet none therapy sessions but I will luckily soon have.
It seems that it has not still stoped me to seek help for my self even time of waiting.
And I see that is something to be proud of. In good and in bad, I am unyielding person.

And you are right this is worst because of bast trauma and I had forced to live that trauma again and it is exactly the same identical what have happened to me before with other man. Man which I was many years and serious was cheating me via messages and seeking other womens etc. and after this I was several years single before my husband. My husband knew this scar of mine and did it any way in the same way exactly like living the same moments all over again.
And it was something se devastating because my husband never was like that ex and I akways felt safe with him and this was the main thing I trusted he would never ever do.
And what he did like almous copy cat way the same, not only to me but to that other women as well and to his own child.
So yes my world distroyed and I don’t know can I even notice what is safe if the same happens with person who was my like the person who I could trust at least about this.
And yes I am familiar of got rejected and lefted from people who I cared and loved as a friend. So of course it triggers my brains because to them it is something they can’t miss: Being me is not what some one would like.
I like my self this way actually very much but as well my brains say to me that there is something wrong with me and can’t you see nobody else don’t like you and you need to start change.
Same time I’m fighting back because I like my sence of humor and sarcasm, I like that I’m honest and people can trust me, I like that I’m precise, I like that I wont give up so easily, I like that I can say what is in my mind and do not shame my feelings and thoughts. I think I am good mom and I was good wife and I try my best every single day no matter how sick and devestated I am, I go even through the rock if I have to. I knlw I have still learning of choosing my battles I know that. I try to not just like me but love me as well and accept that this is who I am and stop focusing of changing my self so hard.

[Noora K]

I know and you are right and I know that in the time things would be different in my feelings as well.
He was love of my life and I was with him in good and in bad but he was not doing the same to me.
It is just kind of “funny” that this whole site and Chris is saying that there is like something to do and behave that makes the flame come back again. I know that for me it means that I need to love my self and let him go even tho it is pain full to not hear him any more and sleep next to him any more. It have been 30 days of separation so I wished that there would be some hope. But his heart are not with me even tho my heart is and that is my problem that I’m not so good just turning love off. And I know that this 30 days have been extremely unhealty from both sides but it wasent this way until we broke up and I found out about the cheating. I by the way found out that he have lyed to that other women as well and told her that he have divorced from me long time ago already even tho we are still married and not divorce papers had still made. So the women left him if you can say so because the relationship was weird anyway because it was via messages she lives in england and my husband lives here. They have never even met or truly talked and do not truly know each other and still they where planing to have child togerher and moving together and it have not be in my or any point of view in reality world how things go. So it is heard that my man is sad of loosing this kind of relationship but are not sad of loosing me who is real and here. And I do not undestand so huge change of heart and I wonder how come I’m not able to stop loving him so fast and so short of time and even after the separation for me it is fresh and pain full.
Maybe he can’t commit and are not ready for it now so suddenly and that is what he needs to figure out and it is true that I can’t do it for him and live his life. I can only live mine and try to enjoy it. I have been single many years before we met so I know what life is and I know what it has for me already and I managed that and I know that I will live and feel joy in this time as well and I’m independent. I liked just when we were sharing joys and difficulties togerher and he was my best friend as well and he is father of my son. So his absent is not effecting just for me and his sudden lack of love towards me. My son is not understands this when father just couple weeks ago kisses and has sex with mother and shows love are not kissing and hugging mom and he misses his father as well extremely much.
Of course in his perpective it is maybe hard to see when your heart and mind is else where how thing are in close by. But isn’t this as well extremely commong in long relationships with small childs and it still can be fixed, of course there needs both to want that. I want to change even for my self and hope that it would affect positive way his feelings toward me as well.
I have watched the videos but I still do not know where to start with my self. Just for me and out come being together or not does not matter. I’m eating my mends and I’m starting therapy just for my self and we have talked to go one even together even tho he says that we would still not continnue together and I try to accept that but how come we could know for sure. But what I can do now every day when I’m not in therapy session when my feelings have not changed even tho I try and I try to move on as well.
I cry and feel the sorrow and I’m knowing that this is it, but the little light of hope and love have not faded away and it’s strangeling me every time I see him or talk to him. It yells in my stomack that “do something please do something” and he does not do of course that something and then when he lefts I feel that it was better so I was not letting him continnue this action what he is doing now to conttinnue.
People can still change, he changed and he could change back but of course he needs to want this change and work on it.
I just thought I could be not just for me but to him as well something to fighting for. Of course I want to fight for my self first and I’m willing to do that and that why I’m working my self with meds and with therapy and here and any possible way I can.
That is enough for me and I’m happy that I’m doing this for me and I’m proud that I can talk about my feelings and reality have not completely blinded from me. Maybe reality toward him yes, but other no.
I’m proud that I am able to go to work and I have laughed and I not just in bed crying all day long. I’m proud that I’m taking care of me and my son and manage just fine even tho it is financially very very though.
I would change the feelings toward him if I could and I would love that they would change. It is not so simple to me like I feel that it have been to my ex. Of course that is again from my poin of you but that is all I got to refelct my behavior and his behavior and I think that tells more than thousend words.
And I want to change my behavior it is only thing what I can change. I just don’t know how when the same time my heart just wants him.

[Noora K]

I don’t know Heidi. I’m so lost and desperate of his love and I do want to love my self as well and I’m trying to because I do not deserve this kind of not loving and caring. There is no that and I try to demand my self better and tell to my self that I deserve better. And I will work my self and try to enjoy the life, but still I miss him even he does not miss me. I still love him, even he does not love me.
It breaks truly my heart that I can do nothing to even start to him notice that I was women of his life and start wanting to fight for me. I miss being with him and that when he loved me. I want it back and I could forgive him this time period if he would just would wake up and love me.

[Noora K]

I don’t know. I’m maybe dissabointed bacause Chris is kind of promices that there is something to do and from here you will find the answer. It’s like promice that I could do something to start he wanting to change as well and he be the man what he should be.
It is true that what kind of man he is now that is not for me and there is not now possibility to be together.
I would still like that he would see that he made mistake and start to treat me like he should and what I desserve. That he would be that loving husband to me and we would be together again.

[Noora K]

Thank you and you are propably right in so many levels. I would like to tell the all what is going on. I’m worried that after all that you would judge me and thinks I’m not healthy. I have heard that and I would not like to feel that I’m unstable. Or am I?
I feel that I’m acting and feeling normal but here it is the whole story.
I’m a huge mess I know. I feel bad about it that I try now to feel fine and normal.
I hope you don’t judge.

Like I told from start I’m now separated and
I found out on 10.11. (Tenth of November) that my then spouse has been cheating on me since September. There was a terrible argument, but I tried to forgive when the then assured that he would stop it. The following week we went to talk to the therapist, who was the man’s on-off therapist, he continued the same story that they don’t talk that women anymore, was very quiet and the session even went into overtime until he told me that he wanted to leave.

I myself went completely into some mental mood and started moving my things out when I got home.

Let me mention that I myself have been depressed since September (a really “funny” coincidence) and even though the situation had started to clear up a little with medication, the spiral started and got stronger at that moment.

So I felt more strongly than ever that all reason, reasons and foundation left from life. So I became very suicidal, which is the hard to admit, but you should dare to talk about it like any other of these things, so I can honestly say that I wanted to die.

I don’t remember what calmed me down a bit in the end, whether it was the ex’s promises to stop again and be committed and support the fact that both would be healthy and happy parents. He promised this every day after that, kissed and had sex, etc.

However, my trust in the other person had gone and I was furious after the news of the betrayal and started talking to one person and by chance things just clicked. However, I wasn’t that involved and I had such strong hopes for my own relationship that I actually focused on it and actually gave foot to this nice guy.

It’s true that I was fully involved in my own relationship and I felt that I didn’t want anyone else and it felt bad that in this sensitive state a man would go on an entertainment ship. The man wanted to leave much earlier and not help me with our son even tho he would have time. I had a consultation to see if I could get psychotherapy and my son needed someone to that time. It would have been totally possible jeez, but I had to ask my father to come and watch the child during his meal break because my ex felt more important to leave to party.

My ex had agreed that he would come home before he left, but he did not show up at the agreed time. From the computer I can see that the message thread is open and the man is still messaging this other woman all the time and is called dear and that woman is getting everything that the man has not agreed to give me. He have send to her money and gifts and love and promises from child together so on.

I collapsed and even talking about this brings out anxiety and sadness and pain.
If earlier I wanted to die, this was something even deeper that I felt like nothing matters and I will just do it and die. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. So it’s certainly not surprising that in the consultation, where I don’t even know how I got there, a referral was made that I would go to a hospital to see a psychiatrist if I wanted to go there. I called my husband that he had to go back home because I was going to the hospital. He refused to go, I don’t remember what he said because I didn’t care anymore and just hung up the phone. The psychiatric doctor suggested that my father take, but my father would not have been able to take care of the child for a long time. A couple of hours was fine, but not longer. Then she suggested that if my father stayed to watch over me and I would go to a psychiatrist as a backup plan if that wasn’t enough. My father also agreed to this and somehow I drove home even though nothing interested me anymore. I got home and my husband and his father opened the door and they just said to me, are you going to the hospital now? I didin’t care what happens anymore, so I just said fine to them.

I cried the whole car ride and my husband at the time just took his bag and left for the ship, his father threw me in front of the emergency room and was silent the whole way and at that point just said “let’s get through”. I answered crying that I couldn’t get through this and I was left alone in front of the first aid where I shouldn’t have been left alone.

However, I went in and waited and did as I was told and I don’t really remember anything about it, other than wondering if it will take much longer and crying that I just want it all to end.

I got to the ward and got medicine, when they started to work, I probably ate for the first time in many days.

The next morning I didn’t get anything even though I should have and I tried to kill myself with the phone charger for the first time. I was observing room that was being monitored, but still this was not seen. I finally took the lead to the nurses and prayed that I would get something and I did and it made me feel better. The days were a little foggy after that and I don’t remember all as well I got stronger drugs, which I often needed to keep feeling stable.

I still tried three more times after this to kill myself and the last time I almost succeeded, but I got accident phonecall which finally stopped this and got me pulled back. After this, I decided that my ex is no longer worth me. I took all my medicine, I started eating, I talked a lot about my feelings and I started to feel good and normal.

When I went to the hospital my father stayed to take care of my child until he went to his godparents for the night, then he went to his grandparents from where his father picked him up after the cruise and was at home with the child. A child protection notification was duly made, which mainly ensured that the child was accompanied by an adult and care was arranged.

I myself called the child almost every day when I was in the ward and the child also visited there with my father. My then-husband barely came once and just announced that he wasn’t going to end his relationship to that women even if it would help my recovery and that he would rather move out when I got home.

So by that in the ward I continued messaging with the man I had clicked with and he also made me feel better.

So it really happened that my ex disappeared when I got home and I was alone with the child, having just got out of the hospital and the house looked like the explosion. There was garbage on the floor, dog poop, the counters was lined with dirty dishes, moldy food in the fridge, all bills unpaid, the child had been fed old snacks and had eaten bad food, and he has been eating expensive take away food etc.

Luckily my mom came to help the next day and my dad helped that day. I had one mild meltdown when I realized that my husband had already erased all the memories of us. Fortunately, there were medicines and mother was there. This man I was talking to also supported me and we decided to date even though I was thinking that I’m for shure not ready to it. He just made me smile and laugh so I decided to jump even though I wasn’t ready. I wanted to laugh in the middle of feeling shit.

Well, seeing that made made me cringe even though everything was more than perfect and I don’t remember when I had such a good time.

So I broke down again and wanted to confess to my ex what a mistake I had made even though he had another one too. In the end, he agreed to come and talk if I paid for the gas, and I kindly paid. We talked and I was hysterical and I prayed to my ex and again I just wanted to die. I finally took more of the prescribed medicine and started to feel calmer. My ex listened, was present and reassured. I was suddenly from him a darling again and he kissed me and hugs me. He didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, however, because he said he couldn’t afford to be unemployed leave any longer.

When I had calmed down and my ex had been constantly on top of me, it ended up being sex on my ex’s initiative. He promised that now the relationship with other women will end, that he wants me to get better and is committed to this, even if he doesn’t get back together now.

I didn’t believe a word and felt bad that I had strayed. The child was at that time btw with his grandparents.

So I continued dating the interesting man myself, I believed that my ex was still with that woman and was just lying. I saw the new guy again and it was even more perfect and now I didn’t collapse anymore. We talked and talk almost every day and I feel every time good and I can’t stop smiling. At the same time, because the breakup is so recent, I have harbored feelings for my ex like you have seen, so I once again made the mistake of having sex with him now by my initiative.
And talked here how I want him back to my life and so on.

I guess that last sex time was for my wake up because I notice that I was to my ex literally just nothing and easy sex and that is not me.

Also somehow I woke up to see how badly and indifferently my ex treats me and his child. He hasn’t asked about his child since he left, and the meetings have been based on my suggestions and felt that those have been even a terrible struggle.

My ex lives with his parents now and has now praised how he doesn’t even have to be at home when the child was there and let his parents feed the child because it’s easier that way. He has also not paid this month’s child support or his share of the bills. “I have no money” is the standard answer. Now my child got sick and he has a week off work to be able to take care of the child, he sais to me when I asked that he can’t afford it, not take him to the doctor because he can’t afford it, don’t take care because he can’t afford it were the answers. Here health care for children is free and even for adults it’s not expensive. I had just been able to go to work myself for one day, after all the mental illness he caused.

I was able persuaded him to take care of his son on the condition that I myself work a shorter working day these days and that he does not need to hear from us before the end of the year. Then he could suddenly afford it and agreed.

I had already made the decision in my own mind that it is enough to long for this man and I will now focus on the person who makes me happy. Maybe it is now distaction for my pain, I don’t know but I feel progress.

The only problem is that I am constantly with the child, so the only possibility is to see him is with the child. This have been fine to this man and he understans that I need time.

I told this to my ex because I thought he deserved to know and I also didn’t want to hide and lie about what is going on. He got terribly angry and forbade me to see the man at least with the child.

Well, I’m not so interested what he says after everything. He also shouted that “take care of your own sick child then” and “I will not take care him anymore”.
At the same time, it was also revealed that my intuition had been right all along and that he was still dealing with the woman.

Well, now I have decided to see this man who make me feel good with my child on the weekend, and if everything goes well, I’ll probably continue to do so. I can’t really date anyone otherwise unless the dude want to date my child as well. He wants.

My ex knows and rages at me that I destroy the child’s life when I am happy and that I then get permission to be the sole parent of the child and destroy his relationship with the child. Oh yeah.

Well I have date and even looking forvard them. We are playing with dinos because both are enjoying them, propably cook together and just be together. This man knows that I’m not ready yet and can be that we will not even see after this. But then it is like friend visite. I feel that this is good for me and I don’t want to shane it and feel quilty to have little joy.

What you think?

[Noora K]

And the reason of the break up was the cheating. He wanted this other woman rather and he said that even without he wanted it any way. So it was one sided decision when I wanted to solve thigs because the cheating was not live cheating yet. But my ex it was and is serious even tho we were still married and still are married.
He said that his love have faded away, even tho there have been not 24/7 good my love have not. I don’t know how to change things that way that he would again love me and just me.
I want only his affection and his presence and enjoy our son together.

[Noora K]

And to your questions what love means to me, is small things in life and intress of other and caring even tho is hard. Taking care of each other and fasing problems together.
Ofcourse I would like to have even small amout that affection wich he gave to this other women. So it is in him and he is able to give it and once even I got that.
Things have hugly changed after child because we or morely I feel I had hard first year with my son. I felt alone and that I have to do the parenting alone. Some times he stepped up and improved his actions but mostly I felt that I’m parrent to two child.
It have been increasing that is how I have been feeling. Of course I have complained it a lot and I have no difficulties to tell about my feelings and emotions and what disturbs me. He is other way, he always shut down and not tell how he feels and emotions are difficult to him to discuss. He have been lied me a lot of even from stupid stuff and don’t know why. He told me that the reason of cheating was how bad he have been feeling in our relationship. He said that he have feeling anxiety to comming home and my precense make him feel bad about him self.
He say that I have called him names all the time, well now I did when I find out cheating and can say that I did not take the ifo crasefully. In past maybe in ager some times but mostly I was nagging wife which even I did not liked that have to constantly to talk to him like 16 year boy.
I know there is much good in he when he just wants to give it.

[Noora K]

Here my country we are saying day, month and then year so we have been separeten sence first of December at this still going year. So not so long ago.
Yes still has done nothing and I have done every mistake from the mistake book you can do.
I have cried to him, get angry to him, pegged him, telling my love and my heart break, slept with him even tho there where other women in wolved and twice after the separation.
I know he treats me the worst right now and like I said that I know that he does not deserve me and my love. Tell that to my heart. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have anxiety all the time even the time goes, every day without his love and having just this cold shoulder is making me feel worst and worst. I just love him so much. We had ofcourse problems and now ofcouse because of small chill they just was visible more.
You truly believe that there is nothing I can do to win his heart back and have my family back?
I feel like I would die because I don’t want this new life. I have done it and it’s not for me. I believe marriage for life so it was not for me easy commintment. As well I wanted child not to just to have it alone but together with the love of my life.
I’m desperated and I don’t know what to do.

[Author]

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