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Hi Heidi,
Yeah, so much happened I don’t really wanna care too much about it anymore. The disappointment overwrites a lot of what I felt towards them.
Funny enough, my cat was actually my ex’s. He wanted a pet, so we adopted him. My cat had a traumatic experience when he was with the previous owner. As a kitten, along with his parents and siblings just chilling in the cage, a black viper managed to enter the house and cage. It attacked them while the owmer was not around and killed 2 of his siblings while my cat (then kitten) fended it off, protecting the family. Since then he had trust issues so we had a tough time connecting over the year. Twice my cat experienced panic and attacked me till I was wounded, bruised and bleeding with deep cuts.
My ex suggested that we give him away, but I was against the idea. I kept saying that I will never abandon my cat. When my ex broke up with me, he said he didn’t want the cat so the cat had to come with me. I’m glad though because we started bonding and he is a sweetheart. Just us two, different traumas, healing together.
Thanks for the suggestions but am not too keen about therapy for now. I somehow feel my depression is not too the point of needing therapy. Just time and effort will do. But the loneliness could get someone to show some empathy and give a listening ear I guess. Since I feel like no one cares enough to listen.
Hi Heidi,
It’s quite a long story. I basically have a group of bestfriend (five including me) who did life together. They were like my soul sisters. People I could really be myself around. We are all in different life stages but we are there for one another. So the most recent change was basically me getting into a relationship after 12 year of singlehood, and one of the girls – S, who just got married.
When I got into a relationship, I got caught up in it and have had some distance from the girls. I wanted to nurture and grow this relationship considering that he was going to be my forever after. The rest of them were also going down different paths so everyone was busy with their own lives. We kept in touch throught text every once in a while.
But when I broke up, I reached out to S for a phone call and cried. I needed comfort and support which she somehow gave. But a few days after, she confronted me saying that I have been taking her friendship for granted. She listed many things (some of which I do admit was a fault) but similar to my ex, also failed to bring up over the years until it bubbled up. I was already very hurt and when this came, I crumbled too.
So after a few hours recomposing myself, I responded with a long message full of apology. As she often say I am defensive, I did not make any excuses at all. I wanted to sincerely hear her out and acknowledge her feelings. I apologised for everything she felt I did and asked for forgiveness which she did give. However as it starts to sink it, I felt like I was blamed for everything. It hurts because she said I disappeared after having a relationship and that I only appear when I have problems or issues. But I have always been the one initiating messages and contact. I arrange for meet ups, I make calls, I text. It’s always them all who fails to response and so my effort got lesser. When I think back, I felt that what she said to me was unnecessary and if she wanted to talk it out in a better time, I would have loved to but instead, she knew I was in pain and decided to do it then anyways. Somehow I don’t think we can go back to how it used to be and I guess I am fine with it.
But what she said made me reflect on myself and so I sent apology texts to the other 3 girls as well. 2 of them responded well and we have one-on-ones to talk it out and sorted out the issue. But another one, M also did a confrontation telling me to be “accountable” for my relationship and that I do not deserve her sister’s friendship (her sis was one of the 2 that worked it out with me). Apparently the sister felt guilty for the failure of my relationship which she shouldn’t but did, and so I am being blamed for making someone else experience guilt and pain for something that they shouldn’t have.
Too complicated but I am also too tired to deal with it so I just let them be and cut off. So that’s the entire drama. There are more details to it but I think it would have turned into some TV series if I continued. But yes, a lot of things happened and I don’t know how I can still manage to stay sane.
I’ve recently started cooking when I’m not lazy. And I have been looking/considering starting a small business and to explore sewing. But other than that, my cat’s the only thing that interest me so far.
I’m all for the idea of learning self-help but never have the discipline to actually read.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your response. It seems like there isn’t exactly much I could do to fix this anymore.
So I guess you’re right. Moving on is the only way to go. However finding healing seems like something hard to do.
I’ve recently lost all interest in things I used to love doing. And about a week after my breakup, unfortunately 2 of my bestfriends also broke up with me. So the hurt seems deeper and I don’t quite have anyone else to lean on now that both my romantic partner and my bestfriends are now my exes.
Any tips on how I could take that step towards healing? Because I really want to. I just don’t know where to begin.
Hi Heidi,
Yeah, he didn’t quite want to give any details and after having that day play on loop in my mind, I’m starting to believe that perhaps he didn’t give details because he probably doesn’t really have any reasons. He probably felt suffocated and needed to be set free but could not identify the reasons. But I don’t know, I think there’s more to it than what’s at play.
He’s not the best at vocalising himself despite me encouraging him to always bring up if there’s something that he doesn’t like or perhaps annoys him and such so that we can discuss and find a solution. He always says okay but it never quite happens so, the only detail he shared that night was that there are little things that he has been sweeping under the rug because he felt that if he ignores it and lets it go, it’ll just pass. I told him that it doesn’t work that way cause the root of the problem is there, and now that it has accumulated to this point, it’s not something we can easily fix anymore. He cried that night and said, “Sorry, I didn’t tell you”. I felt so defeated at that point of time because it could have been things that we could have worked out in the very beginning.
But apart from little habits aside, I do think that our relationship progressed too quickly. We got together in less than a week from when we met, and I moved in with him 4 months into the relationship. We were almost always together except for when we went to work. When he goes to hang out with his friends, he takes me along. We didn’t really have much healthy space between us. So that probably contributed to the feeling of suffocation perhaps. Also, I think that he probably has not healed from his past relationship before me and thus, when we got together so quickly, he got caught up in the new relationship that the old would is somehow still festering. And in time, it finally came to bite.
Marriage was another reason. It’s something we talked about and he was keen to marry me. The reason why we started looking for a house all because he has a process to follow. So thinking that he was all for the idea of marriage, I tend to ask him often when will he propose or when will he marry me. While it was just a harmful question, upon reflection, I see now that it might have given him a lot of unnecessary pressure. Every time I brought up about the wedding and such, he would stay quiet and sometimes avoid the topic. I should have seen the signs and respected that, but I was too focused on my wants to be with him till we grew old that I forgot to pay attention to his wants and needs.
Finances is also another aspect I guess. He mentioned before that to get married we will need money. And thus, we have to change our spending habits. I would usually nod but I never quite took it seriously too and I guess that added to either his disappointment or frustration in the situation. We are still tied financially but not the house. The house is in his name.
I did see that he has been pulling back a little about a week before the breakup. There is that wall which I can sense but he kept saying that it’s fine. So not much I could do there.
When I went over to his place to take some of my stuff back home about 5 days after the breakup, we had a small chat and when I asked him “how are you”, he cried. His tears fell and it broke my heart. So I ended up staying strong and not crying despite how hurt I felt. He said “It hurts me too” and when I asked him what was on his mind, he said, “I don’t want to be alone”.
I really don’t know what to do. I love him and I definitely want him back, but at the same time, I am learning to live without him again because I don’t know if he’ll ever come back. Looking at the things he has been doing, the removing of my pictures and all is fine since it was a process. We have had no contact except for that 1 birthday wish but then remained no contact. All was good, the only thing was that he would see my stories on Instagram.
But come October, he removed me from his followers on IG and he also unfollowed me. I don’t understand why he would suddenly make that cut. It hurts so much cause we said that we didn’t want to be strangers again and that we would still be friends after giving each other some time to recover. When I asked if we were breaking up for good or if in the future we’d wanna revisit our relationship and see if there is a chance to try again, he said he’d like the latter. So that makes me more confused why he’s cutting me off on IG. While he is still watching my stories on FB.
Update: Today, he just decided to remove me from his followers and he unfollowed me as well.
I thought I was doing better, giving him the space he needed, having no contact, respecting his choices and all…
We said we’d still be friends. That we need a bit of time apart to recover from the sudden break up and that we might revisit our relationship again in the future.
But this sudden removal really stings. It feels like he is getting further and further away from me.
It is really breaking my heart and I do not understand what is going on and why.
