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Thank you so much for your help. Unfortunately, I can’t afford the $70 per month to keep the Insiders Community subscription. I really appreciate all your help. I am now in the system to see a psychologist and will have a look into the other methods you suggested.
Regards,
KristyYes, I am aware of the wolf I should be feeding. I just have trouble being happy with myself and my accomplishments. I woke up this morning with a better attitude, so maybe I am coming out of my depression wave. I always see myself as a victim. I went to jail for something that I didn’t do. The police knew that I wasn’t to blame as they were after my partner at the time, however, they went after me anyway. I suppose to get to him. Being stupid and naive I called their bluff. The first time I was ever in trouble, they sent me to jail. I can never forgive them for destroying my life. I had a great well-paid full-time job, and I was singing in a couple of bands part-time. I was healthy, well physically anyway. A contributing member of society. I lost everything. Having to cling on to something or someone I ended up staying with that partner for the next 4 years. I thought that that was all I deserved. His treatment of me was not nice, but he was all I had at the time. I can’t seem to let go of the resentment. I’m so angry. I suppose this would be something to discuss with the therapist, again.
I haven’t made many positive steps since the wave of depression came over me. I’ll get back on track again. One day at a time.
Kristy
I know what you are saying Heidi, but my brain is fighting against me. I know what needs to be done and a path to try and get there (however long that initial journey may take), but my mind keeps having thoughts that I can’t do it. I am hard on myself for everything that has happened in my life. Somedays I feel as though I deserved everything I got. That trying to love myself is a complete waste of time. I am finding it terribly hard to forgive myself for certain things. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday. I’ll ask for a referral to a therapist and see how long it will take to get back into the system. I don’t even know where to begin with the therapist. I hope they have some suggestions.
My self-esteem took a real blow with the way my ex treated me. I was just discarded without further thought. That I didn’t matter at all. And I believe that statement to be valid most days. I can tell myself, no, I deserve more. But deep down I know I don’t believe this. Trying to trick the brain doesn’t work for me.
My feeling of being overwhelmed is more than just trying to be happy. I’m also trying to start an IT business, look for paid work, study, and socialize. I am just not doing well juggling all these things. I make a list each day of just the most important things to get done, but some days I am lucky just to get out of bed.
Thank you for sharing your story about children. I have accepted the fact that I won’t have children of my own, nor could I probably adopt with a criminal record. Most days I am okay with that because I don’t know if I could provide a happy safe place for children to grow up in. Then other days I get lonely. I get jealous of other people and their families. I sometimes wonder if I had children would I have stepped up, or crumbled? This is the type of conflict I have in all areas of my life. I guess you could say that I overthink things, a lot.
Kristy
Thanks Heidi.
It’s one step forward and two steps back for me. I was feeling optimistic about my life and then a wave of depression came over me. What if I can’t do it? What if it takes too long? I already left having children too late that I feel I don’t have much time left.
The way my ex treated me came back to haunt me. I kept asking myself “Am I really that bad to have deserved being treated that way?” I just can’t get my head around it. He was in no way a narcissist whilst we were dating. He was attentive, caring, and sweet. I think about it all the time. What I would say to him if I ever saw him again?
I wonder how the people I know see me? Am I boring or depressing to be around? I do try to put on a happy facade when I go out. There just seems like there is so much to do, to change. And that time is not on my side. I haven’t even been to the doctor yet to get a referral for a therapist. I thought I could do this all on my own.
Kristy
That makes perfect sense Heidi. Thank you very much for listening to me and providing me with a path. I just need to focus on one step at a time, rather than I want it all now. I will investigate the journaling and EFT. I feel like I have some direction now. So, thank you very much for your inspiration and guidance.
Kristy
When I give one-word answers I am thinking to myself what else I can say. I just don’t know how to elaborate. I am hopeless at telling stories, keeping a conversation going, and making it exciting for the listener. I tend to have a very laid-back voice and demeanor. The same goes for when I listen to people. I either don’t really listen at all, or I concentrate on a response and hence don’t really listen anyway. I want to know more, but that usually happens after the moment has passed. Like the next day, I might think to myself, “I wonder why/how she did that?” By then it would have been too late and a bit embarrassing if they had already told me that part of the story and I wasn’t listening properly. I sat in silence last night with a friend until we fell asleep. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk until the sun came up, I just didn’t know what to talk about. My friend didn’t talk either so I couldn’t even bounce off her ideas. I couldn’t even think of a topic to start a conversation about. I just went blank. This happens all the time. I mean I know my mind was racing with thoughts, but it was mostly, what could I talk about? Is this silence going to be awkward? And how I must be so boring to be around.
I know you’re right about the singing. I could get back into practice to start with. When I was in my prime, I still had issues with self-confidence. Especially up on stage. I kept wondering how I was coming across to the audience and if I even deserved to be up there singing. Talking about everything now it would seem that I have a very grim view of myself and lack self-confidence. Even when I do things like my degree, even though I might do well in my courses, I’ll find some way to put myself down. Like I could have tried harder, or that my memory sucks and I am going to forget everything anyway. When someone asks me about animals or computers, I get extremely nervous about whether or not I am going to be able to answer their question. I know I could if I looked it up to remind myself, but remembering on the spot is extremely difficult for me.
The self-help books are helping to an extent. I have a lot more knowledge of the things I need to do. However, now I am overwhelmed with all the information and don’t know where to concentrate my efforts first. Should I try to improve my memory first? Work on conversation techniques? Try to make my life more exciting and purposeful. Or even to go out more to meet new people. So far, I have read a book on effortless attraction, how to be happy, how to get a guy, and conversation chemistry. I have even taken notes from these books so that I can work on some things. I have so many more self-help books to read. I purchased whole courses in desperate need of help from the Be Irresistible and Meet Your Sweet websites. There are so many books. 19 from the Be Irresistible website, and 46 from the other website. Most of them are dedicated to romantic relationships though.
I know my lack of self-confidence is holding me back in life, but how do I get rid of my initial negative thoughts and what to work on first to improve my confidence? This is how I feel about most of the things that I do. Even something as simple as cooking. I’ll spend way too much time just deciding what to make and which version to make. All the time I think to myself that I’ll probably stuff it up.
I hope that I am making sense.
I struggle to ask people questions and usually only give one-word answers when questioned. I have read some self-help books recently in this area to improve my communication skills, but it will be an ongoing process. I rarely listen to people as well. Always think to myself how I can respond and interrupt people when I want to say something so that I don’t forget it. I have only recently decided to read these self-help books. I should have done it a long time ago. There is a lot for me to do. Not only to communicate with people better, but to have a life that I am happy with to have some self-confidence and know that I have something to offer when the right man does show up. It is a little overwhelming all the information, but I am trying to just take one step at a time. Break everything down into smaller goals. The conversation wasn’t awkward with Michael. We talked about music and relationships and his goals. He did most of the talking. He really fascinated me. He was intelligent and a highly motivated person with loads of self-confidence. He had so many things he liked to do. He knew what he wanted in life. Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of them. I feel like I am socially awkward because I don’t communicate well. I have no self-confidence and no passion for anything other than music and animals.
As for volunteering, I am already doing that. I volunteer with a local animal rescue group. I am a foster carer of cats. Sometimes I can have up to eight cats in my catteries to take care of. Sometimes I have even fostered puppies. I am heavily invested in the rescue group. Not only am I a carer, but I also am a Carer Coordinator who looks after over forty other foster carers, a New Carer inductee, Pound Coordinator where I organize the release of animals from the pound, I am the Assistant Registrar, IT Manager, and I am on the executive committee. I have been doing rescue now for 10 years. It keeps me busy and I love to help the animals. Somedays though I think I do too much. When I finally find some paid IT work from home, I think I may have to cut back on my rescue duties. But I don’t even socialize that well with the rescue group. I avoid events and sometimes don’t feel up to going to meetings.
I was going to the gym for PT sessions twice a week until recently. My rent went up and I just couldn’t afford to go any longer. I am about 40kgs overweight so I know I should exercise, but I can be quite lazy. My previous back surgery doesn’t help with exercise either. I usually can only do low-impact exercise. I did purchase a Latin American dancing program a while ago now. I haven’t watched past the initial warm-up exercises. As I said, I can be quite lazy. With my depression, it takes quite an effort just to get out of bed and look after my hygiene. I’ll make a conscious effort to at least do 15 minutes a day of exercise and see how I go. For the last two weeks I have made sure that I have a shower and brush my teeth each day. I also have a condition known as narcolepsy. It’s a sleeping disorder where I am tired most of the time. I am on medication for it, but I think my body is getting use to the tablets and it is not having the same effect it did 10 years ago. The doctor won’t increase my dosage though, so I rely heavily on energy drinks to keep me going during the day.
I like to be inside mostly. I like computers, animals, and music. However, I don’t do much with music any longer. I used to sing in a couple of bands in my previous life when I was skinny. I would like to get back into it, but I need self-confidence first. In order to do that I really need to lose some weight. I am also studying for my master’s degree in Computer Science via correspondence. I can’t seem to get any paid work though. I don’t even have a lot of self-confidence in my abilities as I have a bad short-term memory. I am really quick to learn things and then do well in my assignments, but after the course has finished, I completely forget how I did the assignments. I am researching how to improve my memory, but I already have so much else to work on that I feel a little overwhelmed.
I just feel that if I do meet Mr. Right, I don’t have much to offer other than care and attention. I don’t think I would benefit anyone in my current state.
Kristy
Thanks, Heidi. I don’t want to accept that he isn’t right for me. I must continually stop myself from thinking about the good times we had to stay focused on what’s best for me. I really do miss the companionship we had. I have written down all the qualities that I liked about him so I can gauge what sort of man I want to attract in the future. And the things I will not tolerate. Right now, though, I really need to take care of myself. I don’t know how to begin really. I know I must love myself and have goals to pursue happiness, but I don’t know how to go about that. I have never had many goals in life, and I really don’t know what makes me happy other than feeling love and acceptance from others, which is not the way to self-love. It is rare for me to experience love and acceptance from others anyway as I don’t have close friends or a lot of family, and I am socially awkward. I am not particularly good at communicating. Conversation is hard for me.
In your last post, you mentioned a book that you like a lot, but I can’t see a reference to the name of the book and the author. I have so many self-help books but if I don’t know what makes me happy, I won’t ever be able to make goals for myself. All I seem to focus on are my downfalls, my troubled past, and why it all went so horribly wrong. Even blaming others for how my life turned out, knowing full well that most of it was because of my poor choices. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I will get on the list to seek professional help, but I need something promising now to focus on just to get through each day. Is it a life coach that I need to reach out to perhaps? Someone who can assess my abilities and suggest activities that may interest me? I’m open to ideas.
Kristy
Thank you, Heidi, for all your words of encouragement. Every time I read your posts I start crying again. It’s all too real. Yes, he is a coward. I realise that now. I thought that my self-esteem had been restored before I met Michael. Although being with him gave me purpose. Something to look forward to. And the way that he treated me, my self-esteem grew. The way that he treated me though when we broke up has cast doubts on who I really am and what I have to offer. That is my next step. To find purpose in my life without a man.
I will seek help. It just takes a little while to get onto the public system. I just can’t afford a psychiatrist on the disability pension. Regarding medication, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of thirteen and put on anti-depressants. Yes, I was traumatized when I was young as well. I take my tablets religiously every morning now as I noticed the difference when I tried to go without them a long time ago.
I have really got so much out of talking with you Heidi. I was planning to send a letter I had written to my ex before I talked with you. As much as it was a great 6 months that I shared with him, I realise that he is not the guy for me. Thank you.
Regards,
KristyMy heart is hurting a lot. Some days I wish I had never seen his Facebook post, and everything would be fine. Then I must remind myself of the way that he reacted and the fact that he did lie to me. I understand why he lied. Who would want to tell a person they were starting a relationship with that they were still in love with their ex? But the way he went about dumping me shows me that there is less in him than I originally saw. I never thought he would behave in this manner. He was always talking about his narcissistic ex and then he goes and behaves like a narcissist. That knocked me for six. All I had for myself was my self-confidence and he shattered that. I am 46 years of age. Single with no children. I feel that my purpose in life has all but gone. I would love the number of your coaching colleague if they were willing to communicate with me. I live in Australia though. It’s hard to celebrate anything after the life that I have had. I even went to jail for a brief period because of my former ex. Life seemed very hopeless, but I remained positive and kept myself busy to try and rebuild my life afterward. It took quite a few years, but I managed to stay positive. So, when Michael came into my life and he was everything I could have wanted in a companion, my self-confidence grew. When things came crashing down, so did my self-confidence. It was as if he was trying to find excuses as to why we shouldn’t be together. But not telling me about them, he told my friend (because he blocked my communications). So not only did I feel crushed because our relationship was over, but I had to deal with my friend wanting to know why it happened the way that it did. I still don’t know what to tell them. The last thing he said to me before all this happened was that I was beautiful inside and out. So, you can imagine my surprise when he acted the way that he did. I don’t have any friends other than her, and she is not the type of friend to help me when I am down. I only have my mother for that. I bet she is so sick of my drama. I try not to bother her, but I can’t help letting her know that I am struggling which is why I think I need outside help. I think about suicide more than a few times a day. Thinking, sometimes even researching, the best methods and what I’ll need. My family (which is restricted to three people) is the only reason I haven’t done it already. Other than the thought of screwing it up and becoming even more burdensome on my family. Any recommendation for help would be appreciated.
Regards,
KristyWell, that hit hard this morning. I like the way that you emphasized certain words for me. I haven’t been able to stop crying.
I suppose I just didn’t want to see the red flags. I know they are there, and I get incredibly angry at times with the way I was treated, but then I make some sort of excuse that I didn’t leave him any other choice but to defend himself. The friend who introduced us kept telling me that he treated me badly. When she told him that I wasn’t doing so well and asked if he could just reach out to me to talk, he flat-out refused. To this day I still don’t know what boundary of his I crossed.
This was the first time in many years that I made myself available and I am crushed. My choice of men in the past has been nothing short of tragic. I even stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. That took me almost 10 years to get over.
I haven’t watched the video yet as I want to gain some sort of control over my emotions. Even writing this, I am looking through tears. Thank you for taking the time to point out everything to me and remind me that he is just not worth the pain and that this relationship can’t be fixed. I don’t know if I can make myself available again. I think I might need to go back to a psychologist given the thoughts that have been running through my head of late.
Regards,
KristyThey broke up no contact 2 years ago. They had been together for 13 years. I realise that is a long time and he probably had a lot of feelings for her to stay that long but he told me she is a narcissistic psycho who doesn’t care about him at all. He talked about her often but he said it was only for reference that he had no feelings for her anymore. I have since heard reports that may be she isn’t a narcissist.
The way that we broke up was heartbreaking. He wouldn’t even talk to me and then blocked me. I had to communicate through a mutual friend to get some of my belongings back and talk to his mother. He just shut me out.
I know he still has feelings because only a couple of days before he was telling me how beautiful I was. Inside and out. And when he had the opportunity to bump into me one night, he opted out.
I’m not sure what to do. I think about him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. Things were so good between us.
He said the way that I went off at him can’t be fixed. That he has boundaries and I crossed them. Yet it came from a place of hurt and love, not anger. I just don’t know how to get over him.
Kristy
