[Allysia P]

Hey Spyce,
I totally agree. He does still take up some space in my head… ugh!
I intellectually know that he isn’t who I thought he was, isn’t worth the thoughts or time, isn’t who I want…
But I guess it’s more ego centered. I feel like I got rejected and by someone who wasn’t really in my league (no shade). So I guess the “revenge” piece would satisfy that hurt ego part. But you are right – I know it and he will if he doesn’t fully already.
I think i romanticize (as I do in relationships) what I truly want… like the pretty woman scene where she goes back to the store and says “big mistake, huge.” That’s in the Rory what I want. But it’s not what I need nor is it what I truly want – I want fun, freedom, excitement, love, respect, etc and none of those things are him at all!
I’m trying to shift my thoughts and energy back to me… it takes more intention than I care to admit but I am working on it!

[Allysia P]

I mean I’m doing okay. There are moments when a few tears well up or I miss something he did. I let the moment pass and then blare some rap or “hate men” music and pump myself back up. I do miss him, the good parts and I do want him to try and come back and tell me what a fucking mistake he made. BUT I am not living for that and living toward my goals and how I want to feel regardless of others opinions or choices!

🙃

[Allysia P]

Hey Spyce,
So in regards to messaging him… I didn’t respond to the first message and then two days later he said “you must be really mad at me if you can’t even talk to me.” Baiting 🙄
I did respond hours later (cause originally I was just going to leave it but then kept thinking about it.)
Me: “I’m not mad, moving on. I’ve been busy. Hope you’re doing well too.
Him: “wow!!!!!nice to hear from you!!!”
Me: “ I appreciate you reaching out butI think it’s best we don’t stay in contact. I have a lot going on and we are heading in different directions.
Him: “I’m sorry…just wanted to make sure you were good. I’m here if you need anything.”
Me: “take care”
Him: 😞

And that was it.
So I’ve shut that door for myself. I did see where he searched my TikTok profile (I’m a content creator part time) bc I didn’t block just unfollowed… so 🤷‍♀️

I did have a guy pop into my DMs – he lives far away but it’s been fun just playfully flirting.

I am doing a lot of self love, healing, processing emotions, reflecting and also painting, working out, eating healthy, hanging out with friends! Coming out of the slump and glowing up! 😉
Thanks so much for your encouragement and feedback! You helped more than you know! ❤️❤️❤️ sending you all the love!

[Allysia P]

He messaged me on Thursday “hope you’re doing well!” 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

[Allysia P]

Thank you Spyce!

I am doing better with the breakup at this point. I do continue to see a therapist, especially through the divorce. I did pretty intense trauma work with Brainspotting and it was incredible. I think there are definitely things that came through in this most recent relationship and breakup that I realized were unresolved. I’m thankful for that as we are addressing those and getting to the root of self worth, self respect and attachment issues/beliefs.

I’m doing better I’m not comparing with this other woman in my mind. I am still emotionally raw but day by day it is getting better. Starting to call back my energy and reflect inwardly on what I need in my life rather than obsessing over what he is doing/not doing.

I did purchase several books that are helping me processing my feelings, set goals for my life, promote introspective work and healing, and continue to build up my self worth/self talk and self respect again. I think it’s natural for those things to dip in my situation. And now without an escape of another relationship I’m making those wounds a priority to heal.

I think eventually I want to be open to introducing physical connection with someone again. Right now it is too soon but the exploration and newness and outlet of that was something I would like to get back, however I know there will need to be some boundaries for myself emotionally.

Thanks for being so uplifting and your support and feedback mean so much to me! Hope you have a lovely day!

[Allysia P]

I am having a really hard time processing this breakup and moving on. I know there are other men out there, ones who can give me everything I want and more, but I am so hung up on this one! And I am being hard on myself for not processing this quicker and better.
He was a jerk, he was disrespectful, yet I am still rationalizing behavior and missing him. It’s ridiculous, my mind knows it!

[Allysia P]

Spyce,

Thank you.
I know you’re right about not knowing someone fully since it was only a few months… and I do believe it was the physical connection that intensified emotional connection for me.

I separated 6 months ago from my ex husband. We have been married twelve years with two beautiful children. We were married early, hadn’t healed from significant past traumas and settled in the safety of one another. I started trauma therapy in 2019 and encouraged him to start healing but he refused, and just wasn’t ready. Since healing I started seeing things differently, wanted more, started asking for more and he stayed stuck. I was the breadwinner, took care of all the housework and the children, and trying to work towards dreams and goals. He would “help me” when it was convenient for him or when he wanted sex. Our sex life was .06% of what I felt and experienced with Tony(this last relationship). Andy (ex husband) and I had communication issues and beliefs about sex that negated any growth or expansion in that area. It then turned to a chore to me as it was not satisfying.
Anyway- after asking for a separation and ultimately a divorce he ran full steam towards me. Started going to therapy, believing in God, picking up the load at home, making decisions etc. which absolutely turned me off. It felt like he was only doing those things because he didn’t want to lose me, not because he loved me and felt I deserved them or he wanted to treat me and take care of me this way because he loved me. That’s the main situation with a ton of outlying issues.
We are actually communicating more open now than ever before. He is a great father and a good person. We are good friends and coparents at this point. Still move through moments of anger or hurt but are respectful and supportive of what the other needs.

I am still processing things with Tony – and just attempting to move forward at this point. Its just very hurtful and trying not to ruminate on thought of him with this other woman. I did find out he was out with her in our town, what she looked like and who she could possibly be…which feels so painful. I know he wasn’t for me long term, I know the version of him he showed me at the beginning didn’t match up to what he showed me at the end. I know there is a lot of good that is coming out of this breakup and I did learn a lot in this relationship- but he said some really pretty things and I felt some pretty deep emotions. So I’m working through that day by day… moment by moment sometimes. It was just so intense and really was a great source of excitement and fun and desire in a time that was really difficult and is still difficult… and now I don’t have that “buffer”. Not that I need it but I want it…

Anyway… trying not to get stuck in thoughts. Going to yoga here in a bit and then working. I have the kiddos this weekend as we have 50/50 agreement and love my time with them! That has been a transition in itself.

Thanks again for your support!

[Allysia P]

Hi Spyce,
Thanks so much for the validation, encouragement and empowerment!

I suppose I feel so hurt because I believed him, I didn’t see the manipulation (which I do now) so my emotional investment was high. I believed he did care for me and loved me and didn’t expect someone who had those types of feelings towards me to treat me this way. I’m hurt that I am second guessing all he said and said he felt. I’m hurt that it seems I am so easily replaceable in his life by this other girl only a week after we were together.

I’m also sad that this is over. The fun, excitement, hot sex, knowing him, etc it’s all done and now clouded over because I am distrusting if he actually meant what he said. I’m guessing he is emotionally shallow and maybe to him he meant those words but not to the depth that I received them.

However, now knowing and viewing this manipulation from a few steps back I am learning and evaluating where I felt a gut instinct but dismissed it. Where I second guessed words and expectations but excused them. I’m not judging myself but merely being an observer so I can learn and heal myself and gain knowledge for the next relationship- way down the road!

I am also kindly interrupting ruminating thoughts with “he isn’t who I thought he was” “he isn’t for me” and “I didn’t do anything wrong.” I kept internalizing what happened because it just didn’t make since and for good reason- because it doesn’t. I did a meditation earlier that helped me mend the unanswered questions and the parts I felt were unfinished in the relationship so I can move on! It was very helpful!

It sucks because I felt alone a lot in my marriage and it was nice to not feel alone for the past few months. But he gave me breadcrumbs (now looking back) but it was still nice. So I am processing these feelings of anger and disappointment so I don’t get resentful and bitter. I am also shifting my perspective to “I get to live a life on my terms” “I have the opportunity to create my life how I see it and want it.” “This time is valuable and essential for my growth.” “Being single is a gift and an opportunity to reset and restore!”

[Allysia P]

Hi Spyce,
Thank you for your feedback. I know you’re right that I am vulnerable in a since by walking through a divorce. I wasn’t able to step back and see a bigger picture. It did feel incredible to be wanted and pursued, and you are right, he definitely opened my eyes to crazy amazing sex.

We started off just having fun and then he started talking about feelings, “being my person”, being “all in”, saying he loves me, but then he would pull back. It was all around me not being “fully available”. We live in a small town so not being divorced yet caused some need for secrecy and limited opportunity to go out. There was an situation where I took a ride in a boat with a friend’s brother and his friend (so two younger males) and this made him feel “disrespected”, and he felt like I am wanting freedom and he is wanting stability- which is true. He is 10 years older and isn’t very active and I am younger and very active. It doesn’t matter now honestly it’s just hard to comprehend and not take it personally.

I can see the manipulation here at the end a bit. He was honest about his intentions saying we would still be exclusive until either of us met someone else. I should have just run then but I was sad to let this go. Then after meeting up last week he cancelled plans because he started talking to someone else… I didn’t even respond to that text message and I deleted, unfollowed, and unfriended on all social media/chats.

I’m working on my self talk and thinking and gently redirecting ruminating thoughts back to myself and what I need. I want to have fun, go be free with my time, go out and dance and have dinner with friends. I am still very hurt, sad but coming around to accepting and letting go. I did take on a second job that is creative and something I can put as much/little effort in as needed so I think I will focus my energy there as well.
Thank you again!

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