[Victoria W]

I see what you’re saying, I know he has red flags. I’m not blind to them, but I guess I’m willing to work with them because I understand them. It wasn’t that long ago that I was very emotionally unavailable, and am still in some ways at times, but thanks to therapy, the right medication, and certain individuals who were patient and helped me through my journey, I’m the happy and confident person I am today. I had my own insecurities and fears due to an unhealthy relationship with my mother and abusive boyfriends. I let how those relationships made me feel, define me for a really long time. I finally learned though, that they don’t have to define me, it’s just a small part of who I am, and cannot compete with all the wonderful things I am.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to completely give up on someone who’s only issues are the same ones I had not that long ago. I feel like I am looking at the whole picture. Yes he has fears and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they do not define him, just like mine don’t define me. Underneath the fear is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. He has a soft spot for kids and is super good with them. He’s also a goof ball who makes me laugh and enjoys dancing when he feels comfortable. He also shows up for me in ways that most of my other friends don’t. He always supports me in my pursuits and crazy antics. A lot of my friends don’t dress up for the themes of my party, but does every time, even if he has to go out and buy something. At one of my dinner parties I was setting the table and mentioned that there was silverware I like better but it was dirty. He pulled them out of the dishwasher and hand washed them. At another dinner party, he was in charge of drinks and he bought a single root beer bottle just for me and put it in the blender, because he knew that the only soda I like is flat root beer. And when one of my ducks died and I had him dig the grave, I wanted it directly under a tree. My roommate said that it was a bad spot because roots would make it hard to dig, so I suggested another spot. He said he would put it wherever I wanted it, it was fine. I really don’t mind initiating things if this is how he continues to show up.
He has many of the qualities that I’ve been looking for in a husband and father. And most importantly, he has never let his fears and insecurities be an excuse to belittle me or shame me, or anyone else that I’ve seen. That’s the difference between him and the other emotionally unavailable people in my life. The others have been emotionally and mentally abusive to me. He has never done or said anything that has made me feel bad about myself. And I don’t feel rejected, I understand where he is coming from. After doing a lot of work on my emotional health, I’m a very happy person, busy myself with my dog and ducks, and perusing my passion of acting. What I’m saying is that I’ve gotten to a point where I love myself and my single life. What hurts in these interactions with him, is that I know exactly how he feels and the pain that his holding him back. I remember my years of depression and how small and sad my life was and because I care for him, It hurts me that he is going through something similar. I want so badly for him to get the help he needs and overcome his fears, partially because that would mean we could possibly have a relationship, but mostly because I want him to be happy and to believe in himself.
I know that it is he who has to do the work and decide to put things in motion to become emotionally healthy. I feel like he has the potential to because he recognizes that he has fear and is stuck and acknowledges that its keeping him from the life he wants. I’m just wondering if it’s stupid of me to have hope in and wait for that to happen. Like if he did get help and emotionally healthy, does he care for me enough try a relationship?
I don’t want you to think I’m putting my life on hold for this guy. I’m living my life on my terms, doing stuff with friends and meeting and getting to know other guys. But so far I haven’t had much luck with any of them. And I do put myself out there and try to make connections, but so far the guys that have put in the work and pursue me have turned out to not be so great. What originally seemed like nice gifts and nice words was always smoke and mirrors, things to manipulate and get what they want. They never end up liking me, just the idea of me.
I know he has a lot of work to do and it will take some time, but I’m willing to wait, because I know what work like that can do. It did wonders for me, and I can see the man he would be without those fears holding him back and it’s a great one. Currently there are no other men in my life that are as good as him. So, I’m waiting regardless, why can’t it be for him? Is that crazy?

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