[Devon S]

I honestly don’t know. I’m wanting him to know how I feel but I also want to respect him. I feel that he should know how much I have actually changed. I meditate all the time now and I boom smaller when frustrated. I am trying to be the peace and light be always wished I was and I can’t even tell him. I miss him with every fiber of me and I’m going on the trip we had planned together tomorrow. I’m truly devastated over this whole thing.

I’m thinking the letter should say something like this:

Hey…
I know you don’t care to hear from me and you probably don’t want these things back but, I needed to get your mail to you so, I thought I would bring the rest. They were gifts. Please keep what you want. Donate the rest. There are breakable items so, please be careful.

Scott, I want to thank you. Not only for being the most amazing and important person ever to have crossed my path but also for the hard lesson I had to learn in losing you. I didn’t see my anger for many years. It had been building since I was abandoned by my ex husband and I didn’t realize it. I’m truly sorry for the way I acted and for being so rude in the mornings. It was completely unnecessary and unintentional, I promise.

I am a changed woman, Scott. I know you probably don’t believe it but, I swear I am not the same. As I get ready to head out on what should have been our trip, I am humbled and saddened and appreciative of everything that you are. I’m truly grateful to have been given the chance to love you so deeply. I know what it’s like to love completely unconditionally now and that, I must say, is new. I have a new respect for you as well as the peace you have found in you. I am finding it in me too. Better late than never, I guess.

I hope more than anything that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the wrongs I have done. I never wanted to hurt you or drive you away. I didn’t even know I was doing so. I never wanted to be upset or angry and tried so hard to live with a level head for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t for. I also couldn’t have learned this without you leaving as abruptly as you did. I’m not going to lie, I still feel off. I’m trying to get back to the love vibration but, it’s been a challenge and I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about everything. It was also never my intention to take you from family or friends or anything like that. I wanted to be involved in all of that WITH you. That’s where your understanding of me faltered. So much for “rock solid.”

Please don’t forget to update your address at work. I keep getting your paystubs and other things. You will also need to enter one of the codes on the USPS mail. I only opened the “current resident” one to see what it was.

I hope so much that you are happy and well. Please know how truly missed you are here. We all love you so much, even now, and the girls say told me to say hi and they miss you. I must say that I never knew what true loss was until you disappeared from my world. To say it is empty is an understatement. I won’t reach out again. Your old number is active again in case you don’t remember mine.

I love you with all of me still even though I know the truth and I know what you took from us here (I would like those back please). I know that I keep playing our last encounter over and over again trying to make sense of everything. I still hope to hear from you. I don’t believe I really deserved this…

Stay amazing,
Devon

Thoughts? I know it’s wordy but, I have a lot to say to him and this may be my last opportunity.

[Devon S]

Nothing. I NEED to speak with him since I keep getting his mail and have a bunch of stuff that I want him to have. I’m sad about all of this but it is what it is, I guess. I know he’s local and I know where he is working. I guess I will just drop off his stuff with a final note to him. I don’t know what else to do.

[Devon S]

Update:
I found out yesterday he’s still local. My BIL saw him walking. I called up his work since it’s my only real connection to him and left a message that just said, “no fear here now. I would love a chance to talk.” And I left my number. I haven’t heard back yet.

[Devon S]

Oh wow! First off, I’m truly honored that you would take the time to help in this situation. I appreciate your input more than you know. That being said, I have a question… I am planning on still taking the trip we were planning together. We had already purchased non-refundable tickets for a party in Disney. That’s apparently where he left me for. So, I want to give him some of the things he left here. They were gifts and he deserves them. I am not going to ask to see him but, what do I say in a short note that could open that line of communication? I have been trying to think of the perfect words but, I want to tell him everything he’s missed but, obviously that’s a lot. I can’t seem to get it shorter than a few paragraphs which turned into a couple pages but, I want it to be just enough to let him know I’m there but not anything sappy or pushy. Any suggestions for this? He left to be a cook of some kind there and I don’t know if that is relevant or helpful but, there you go.

Thank you again!

[Devon S]

YES! I recognized him immediately when we first started messaging. I knew he was different from the first thing he ever said to me. I can’t recall what it was now but, I knew from that first moment that he was different and then, when we met in person a few days later, I knew him immediately and it was an incredible instant connection. When we spent our first weekend together and I had to take him home, I sobbed all the way back to my place and only wanted to be next to him. Within the next week or so, he was living with me and we just fit 100% perfectly…until march when he started working and I wasn’t the main focus of his world anymore.

That’s when the arguments started but, it was always because he would talk about work and stuff instead of working on future plans with me or whatever. He loves me perfectly and I would give anything to make things right with him.

[Devon S]

That sounds like exactly what is needed to be said. I am curious to know what James himself thinks. And I’m willing to clarify anything that is needing to be. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it a lot.

It’s been five weeks since I have been blocked and I still miss him as much as I did day one. I missed him this much even before we became official and I had to drop him off back at his place after our first weekend together. I sobbed all the way home. My soul needs to be near his soul now that I know he exists. That probably sounds dramatic but, it’s true. I have not felt right since the day he left. I have done a lot of growing, that’s for sure but, it definitely still stings that I can’t talk to my best friend right now. He’s the only person I have ever felt unconditional love for and my frequency has been off ever since he left. It’s been weird.

[Devon S]

I appreciate the apology and explanation. Thank you. I have decided that I am not going to try to see him. I will bring him some of his things that he should have taken but, I am simply planning a short note to sit on top of everything and (no idea what to say to make him want to come out and see me) hand it off to a person that can see that he gets it. If he’s not there, I’ll confirm he works there and give it to a manager to give to him next time he is working. I want him to be happy, even if it isn’t with me even though I miss him horribly this past couple weeks. I was hoping the separation would get easier but, it hasn’t. I would love a second chance but I won’t ask him for it. I just want him to know all is forgiven and that I love him and want him to be happy. Any suggestions? Maybe if you have contact with the man himself, ask James about this one? I am not renewing my membership on here so, my time is short, I’m afraid.

[Devon S]

Honestly, I don’t like you. You’re incredibly judgmental for knowing only a portion of what actually happened. Your words are hurtful and overbearing and frankly, I don’t know where you get off talking to people like that. You act like you see the whole picture when really, it’s a microscopic image in the corner of it. You weren’t there the day he left when he grabbed me by the cheeks and said “no, I LOVE you!” And kissed me in the most sweet and gentle way. You weren’t there when we were arguing because there was almost never yelling because we DO have mutual respect. We had the “hard conversations” because we wanted to be together forever and make it work.

That being said, the arguments were few and far between until the last couple weeks. We were completely in love and happy 98% of the time. And yes, I have woken up because this is the first time I have ever actually loved unconditionally. He can do no wrong and he didn’t. He loves me perfectly and completely when he’s around me and the problem was simply lack of time with him because of his newfound busy schedule and the fact that it made him super tired, super early.

I cannot name three things he could do better because he is already the best. If ANYTHING, his communication was lacking because he was always scared to say anything because of how HE grew up. He was forced into silence. I grew up with parents who yelled all the time. I try SO hard to NOT be that person that I made it my mission to not get upset with him and, if I did, talk with him calmly.

I don’t appreciate you contradicting everything I say either. I have become aware of my behavior and attitude. I was the one who put the events together that led up to him going. He didn’t want to leave me… that wasn’t part of the plan. The fact that you’re sitting there saying things like “you ARE toxic” and all of the awful and un-encouraging things you have been saying is not really doing anything to help. These are things I have figured out. I’m in counseling, I’m listening to the self-help books, I bought this course to try to get more insight into where I went wrong and many other things in the last three weeks. To have so much doubt and to be so sure I’m going to fail is horrible and I was understanding this was supposed to actually help people.

If this is seriously the way you do things on here, please stop replying to people because it isn’t helpful or encouraging at all. You’re mean and kind of hateful in the way you reply and I don’t deserve to be beaten when I’m already down.

[Devon S]

I have been. Everything you said, I am already taking steps to work on. What I want to know is, should I try to see him when I go on the trip we were supposed to take. He’s working where we will be and I feel that I need to just see him and show him I am not the same as I was. There was always mutual respect and love with so much support. I know everything was my own doing… I tried to email him to explain all of that but, no response or anything. I’m devastated since he promised he saw years with me. 😔 All I want is to make this right.

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