[S F]

Hi Spyce,

So pros of staying friends and keeping in contact:
– I don’t lose the great friendship we had
– I’m happy when we’re in touch and I hear from him
– It feels like life is still normal and the bad thing never happened
– I don’t have to face losing all contact with him

The cons:
– I hate when I read something he texted where he is clear he doesn’t want me in his life
– I don’t text him so then I’m waiting to hear from him
– It still makes me sad when I remember the nice messages he used to send me
– He is way more reserved now
– I have to so careful what I say so its not misconstrued

[S F]

Hi,

To be honest – I’m confused as what to do now. Both keeping him as a friend and no contact have their benefits and downsides.

I just don’t know…..

[S F]

Hi,

So, yes, I was right, he’s still keeping up the non-committal contact which he was doing before.

He texted – I replied in non committal way. When he replied, I didn’t.

He’s clearly wanting to continue the friendship so he can continue his life as he wants it without any care for my feelings.

I wasn’t always like this at the end of the relationships – I have learnt over the years that begging and chasing doesn’t get you anywhere and its not about me, its been about their issues.

Whilst its an absolute killer on your emotions when you have to let them go, its much better in the longer term!!

[S F]

Hi,

I will hear from him again – guaranteed!! Its what men do – they get bored or lonely, then they think its ok to say “Hi” or something to see if we reply! They just don’t know their own minds!

Definitely looking to date again – I have learnt a lot about myself from this experience and also from this site!

[S F]

Hi Spyce,

Yes, absolutely agree with all of your points.

I think I just need to move on – I don’t think a friendship is viable now and maybe never again. Not because of the intimacy but because of how he has behaved.

I would never have thought he could behave so horribly and this has brought a clearer vision of who he really is.

I can’t see opening up any sort of communication with him would work as he just shuts down and won’t deal with the issues that he has. He put all of the blame on me for it not working out and made me feel bad about myself.

I see now that he is the one with the issues and he needs to deal with that (or not) in whatever way he sees fit.

[S F]

Hi Spyce,

Thank you once again for your reply – I didn’t want to miss any of your advice.

When you said “His actions smack of immaturity, insecurity, unhappiness, and it sounds like he has a LOT of work to do” – this is exactly what I have been thinking. Its good to know I’m not just seeing things that aren’t there or making excuses for his behaviour.

Of course, in an ideal world, I wish that this had never happened but obviously I still want a love relationship with him. You say you have a myriad of ideas – if I wanted a relationship with him, would your ideas help with this?

If not, I know I need to move on and get over this.

[S F]

Hi Spyce,

Your insights and questions are very helpful – thank you.

You asked what else is going on in my lie right now? Everything else is brilliant in fact – I have amazing friends, my family are great and I love my work which is bringing in more money for me now than ever. I am very lucky in my life in every other way.

My relationships have always been a disaster with the odd one or two exceptions. I have been cheated on countless times and had 2 controlling boyfriends. My last real relationship was 5 years ago.
This guy obviously knows all about my past boyfriends and flings. I think I assumed he was safe and would never ever hurt me as I had been hurt in the past. He was a sure bet as far I was concerned.

Over the years he has made references to how it would be if we got together but only in jokey ways for example when I was complaining about other men. He did send a Valentines Card in 2014 which said “You tick all my boxes, you always have done”. I have only just realised it came from him. When I asked him about it when we were seeing each other, he denied it was from him.

He has (possibly jokingly) said he lost his heart to me years ago but he also said he knew nothing would ever come of it, I made him laugh and he liked being in my company so that was enough for him. One message from last year when I asked why he had seemingly been annoyed with me after another weekend away together said “Maybe I fancied you and you really turned me on but I knew it would never be”.

Whenever I tried to ask him serious stuff, he either made a joke or changed the subject. I noticed he did the same thing with his daughter when she tried to ask him about me (btw he never told his daughters or friends there was anything going on with us, he just said I was a mate he was on holiday with). When they tried to ask for more detail (as they would!!) he just asked them something to deflect the issue.

So, the subject of a relationship never really came up before as I suppose I ignored anything he said as I thought he was joking or coming on to me, which I didn’t want at the time.

He sent lots of explicit messages too which I told him off about as I wasn’t comfortable with them given that we were just friends.

What do I want now from the situation? I don’t know what to do from here. As I said he has retreated completely from me and I know if I tried to talk to him he will just repeat what he has already told me.

[S F]

Hi Spyce,

Thank you so much for your considered and sensible response. This has been really helpful.

In answer to your question as to what caused the sudden change in my feelings after all this time, I really can’t tell you. We had the weekend together and he was just really kind and thoughtful and suddenly I had feelings for him. It was like a switch had been turned on for him. I still can’t explain why.

I wondered whether it was the thought of him suddenly going off with someone else but he’d been separated for 2 years and I had seen him during that time and never thought/worried about that.

And as to whether we talked first or got into bed first and talked after? Of course, I invited him into my bed without talking first. We did talk the next day – but I was already smitten as I had been for the 4 weeks before since that weekend we went away together. We said we would see how it went and get on with our lives separately as we live apart anyway. I was happy with that as we both have great social lives and nothing massively needed to change. He could do whatever he wanted and then we could meet up as and when.

Regarding whether we have open and honest conversations? I am very open and honest – maybe too honest. I have to say I have realised since that he is definitely not open! I know nothing really of his family and early life before his marriage. He never really opened up as to his feelings – only at the end to say it wasn’t happening for him.

He is really closed off to me now – he isn’t the same guy I have know for all these years.

I have never known him to be so cold and uncaring towards me. The rare messages he does send are pretty emotionless or even a bit depressive. I know he is trying to make sure I get the message that he doesn’t want a relationship but this is a complete change of character in every sense.

[Author]

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