[Martina M]

Dear Heidi,

thank you again for your answers, thinking and trying to find a way to deal with some of my problems. I took a few days to think about everything you said and read your thoughts several times. I understand this part where you say how hard it is to communicate and hard to explain all of this over messaging, but I still think we manage to convey thoughts and ideas well enough.

I am somehow aware of this discrepancy you are talking about, where you consciously perceive and understand something, but because of some subconscious factor, fear or pattern of behavior, you act differently. This recent situation with the break, actually detonated this awareness and the need to try to somehow clarify it and work on it in my life.

You have asked several times where I learned such a pattern of behavior. I’ve thought about it a lot. I don’t know if I found the right answers because it is not easy sometimes to draw a clear line, especially if we are talking about some influences such as family, education (institutional but also the general way society shapes you and what values it instills in you). If we talk about my family, it is very interesting because I have wonderful parents who really supported me in everything I considered important in life and in some big decisions. But on the other hand, my mom is the type of person, it is a bit hard for me to define it but she is a person who reacts very upset and negative to anything new or different, not only different from her opinion, but also in situations where she really does not have a clear argument or idea, opinion and/or knowledge about something, she is constantly in a defensive position.
The punch line is that I always had to find some ways, often roundabout ways of introducing some new ideas, proposals in order to avoid that conflict or just avoid it. But let me point out, it’s actually funny that she reacts like that when it comes to some really unimportant and banal daily decisions and possibly medium-important decisions, while she was always supportive when it came to those that were really important to me. On the other hand, my dad is a very modest person, who, from my perspective, I would say always in life, somehow ask too little for himself and seems to always give up his needs and desires upon someone else.

Furthermore, now this is probably a common place and I don’t know how much importance I would give to it, and I don’t think it had that much of a direct impact on me, probably to some extent, but I notice it as a general problem in education, in business hierarchies… as if this idea was always implemented that you have to listen to someone who is superior to you and if you are not “obedient and follow the rules”, that you will be punished in some way, instead of valuing teamwork, respect for all opinions with the idea of progress. In my own situation, I actually had excellent relationships with professors and colleagues during my education, I was really lucky, I attended art schools and colleges that were focused on “expressing” myself.

Let’s go back to this part of aligning the conscious and the unconscious, knowledge and action and reacting according to that knowledge. It’s a good thing that I am aware of that part. I can’t claim that this is something I will know and be able to apply overnight, but I would like to know how to adopt it. Because sometimes things seem much easier in theory than in practice. I wish it is still something I could discover with him.

Bests
Martina

[Martina M]

Dear Heidi,

thank you again for your answers, questions and thoughts.

I will start this mail with ”needy” and ”burden” topic
I wrote that I didn’t want to be “needy”, but that is something that I definitely consider myself not to be. Maybe I should be more needy but people generally do not associate me with this expression nor do I consider myself to be needy. Well, we could go into the etymology and meaning of the word and what do I consider by it, but let’s rather concentrate on the things that I notice that might be a problem and on which you should work. Yes, I thought that at that moment my unclear opinion would be a burden to him. Also, I was afraid to hear “inconvenience” him with my thoughts.

Why did I think that it would be a burden to him and that I would push him away. At the moment when he started introducing these questions and ideas house, furniture…), we were actually not in a relationship that long (about 4-5 months). On the one hand, I was actually afraid to ask clearly if he was asking me all these questions because he was seeing me in that house, etc . Yes, it seems to me now the truth is that I actually gave myself less importance in that relationship than what he was actually giving it to me. On the other hand, I didn’t know how to express my thoughts, which at that moment had many question marks. Yes, I was afraid that he would conclude that I was not interested or that I wanted to control his wishes, thoughts and decisions too much.

Everything you wrote about how I could have approached it, I can clearly see now how it would probably be better for me and for him and for the relationship. Because actually it hurt all three of us in some way.

To the question: Do I feel he would be a good person to do that for you? Do I feel safe to do something like that with him? How do I think he would respond if you said something like that to him?

Yes, he was and I am sure he would.

During the relationship and after break up I wondered why I felt so good with him. I found several answers. Because I had the feeling that he always experienced, saw, heard and listened to me. How can I say it, somehow he always cared for me and tried to make me feel happy. He would also listen to my problems or wishes, ideas and react to them, either with small gestures or actions or conversations…
Furthermore, I always felt that he had respect for me as well as for himself. I also felt that he had trust and reliability in me.

Regarding sentence… It sounds like you have a belief that your negative emotions are not so valuable.
The funny thing is that I actually have a great awareness of the value and significance of negative emotions, in fact I problematized my artistic practice, where I dedicated an entire exhibition to that topic. And everything you wrote about negative emotions absolutely stands and everything you wrote is very valuable and important.
But, out of fear of destroying all the beautiful things I wrote above without noticing, I built such a strong wall that eventually destroyed it.
When asked where I learned the pattern of that behavior, there are probably more. I’ll think more about it, but here’s one. You know the example of the little black dress, the wrong implementation of the lesson “less is more”. but it is not always as that.

Bests
Martina

[Martina M]

Dear Heidi,

first of all, thank you for your time and dedication to my situation and problem, and for your advice and help and kindness.
Yes, it’s really good when we can and allow ourselves to learn something from such difficult situations and use it for personal growth that will improve our lives as well as the people we love.

It is interesting how in some situations I express my opinions very clearly and in others I keep them to myself and I think it is good that I finally question that now, to question why and in which situations I am clear with expressing my opinion and emotions and why in some situations I keep mine to myself opinion although in any case I consider my opinion important. Often in business situations I am more clear and precise in expressing my opinion, I express my opinions when they are clear to me and when I have questioned them. When I don’t express them, hmmmm there are also several reasons that I currently see but also many that I have yet to see. It’s one thing when I’m not sure what I think about something and I’m still in the process of discerning. Another situation is when I don’t want to hurt, burden and tire someone with my opinions. I also sometimes don’t express my opinion because I think I might break some bridges, stir up more conflict and disagreement, or make my situation even more difficult. Sometimes I simply don’t express my opinion, not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t think it’s the right time and situation for it.

Regarding the reason why I did not tell him what process I was going trough. In the moment when I worked out the problem with myself, I really thought that everything would be ok and that maybe there was no need to bring it up on the table and just get back in track, not knowing how much damage with my lack of communication had already done. But before that, yes, everything you listed were reasons, the fact that I didn’t want to burden him with it, that I didn’t want to reject and inconvenience him, that I didn’t want to be too needy, that I did not want to push him away. Also because I actually didn’t know what I felt and thought about that idea at that moment. Even when I realized that I should talk about it, I never found the right moment.

The part where you talk about building trust and witnessing to another is… yes, beautiful, a bit painful, but still beautiful and something to learn from. When I think more, yes certainly he allowed me to experience and witness him even in the moments where he talked about his fears, insecurities… I don’t know if I did that. I’m sure I did to some extent, but I’m aware that sometimes I simply need time, but not only that, but also to find a way to express something, especially in the case when something is bothering me and if it’s an emotion that’s not from the spectrum of some beautiful and positive emotions.

How do I feel? Well sad in a way, even a bit angry and scared, with a self blaming moments (even though I do not think just I did all mistakes), but in contrary to all those bad emotions I actually also feel happy because I know I am working and budling and imagining something new now.

And I feel as I do not want to give up.

[Martina M]

Hi Spicy,

thank you once more for your kind reply.

I would try to go through a few questions.

about the idea that he was not open to me having fears and doubts, and he wasn’t willing to be there with me while I worked through them. Well maybe he would if I had communicated that I am going through that but I was just not giving back feedback and I was going through that myself… when I went through that and made my conclusions, figured out what I do want and don’t want what are advantages and disadvantages
and how do I feel about everything, even then I thought it is all ok and that I can just get in the same track without communicating what I was going through.

Did he feel defensive about his choices? At some points, it was more as if he was trying to pull out my opinion from me when in the case of the kitchen I saint my opinion he said that he is glad I am saying my
opinion even if it was negative. And then he was maybe not defensive but as he would be happy if I liked it as well. He even once said when he was sending me some kitchen pics, please don’t be angry with me…
isn’t it pretty, it’s nothing missing there except him. (and btw, the kitchen was not ugly, maybe not the color I would pick and I found it a bit expensive)

My fear of moving did not have anything with him or not having trust in him or similar… it was just something I needed to go through to see how it will affect my work…, seeing and helping out my mom and dad…, my lifestyle…

I can not say with certainty but yes I think it made him feel like he wasn’t providing for me in the right way. It was a bit of reading between the lines, because it’s as even he did not know how to point a finger at the thing that made him feel pushed… but that was the the only thing that somehow he pointed out, by saying he does not want to change me and also in a way he got the conclusion I was not willing to be
with him on that journey… which in fact it was not the case. Yes, I think he did not see me as seeing myself moving and joining him on that journey.

Many other things actually went so well because we had so much in common (I can number it but this email is already too long) but at the same time I think and know we had at the same time we perceived
some new things/interests ways of thinking we introduced in our lives, something specific about the other person that amused us…, you know the situation where you have a feeling that you can learn and find
something new and interesting from the other person that you can maybe implement in your life or just admire them at another person.

I spoke so much about this relationship that actually I did not speak about my present wishes and interests… For many last years, I am working for a big Gallery as a producer, curator, manager, pr… working on a massive project, and as we are a super small team often you end up on such a project doing everything and burning out. Also, I am an artist myself. What I like about the Gallery job is that is interesting, dynamic, and always something interesting, but also over-consuming. Place, where I was finding my purpose at some point, started to look like a place that took advantage of my other purpose
and more valuable interests in my life (my own artwork, traveling, going to nature, spending more time with people I love…), but at the same time, it was bringing me financial stability. The last 10 months
were actually ok, but we are just beginning some new massive projects and I am aware actually I am not willing to give myself to projects in the same way as I did before. This whole idea of change was somehow
boiling in me together with the idea of moving away which at some I figured out was a good idea ( not to quit a job but to draw a line)… but yeah seems I was not actually talking about that process.
If he was noticing that I was struggling with the idea and my relation to my job (gallery work to be clear)? He was. And yes he was supportive, he was encouraging me to try to sort it out and not to
give so much meaning to something I figured out was consuming me too much in a way I did not want anymore. That’s one of the qualities I loved and still love about him.
Somehow I got to conclusions and answers with myself even before break up.

I can now say that he also went through a similar process with his job that no longer fulfilled him… As for common goals, of course, you can never have 100% identical goals and some different views, ideas,
and imagination is something that can ennoble relationships and point out some new possibilities, and options… I really see many common points in our interests, if I didn’t see them, this wouldn’t have
affected me so much and I wouldn’t have tried to see if the the relationship could be saved.

Bests
Martina

[Martina M]

Dear Spyce,

thank you very much for your kind reply.

I read your answer several times and gave myself time to think.
It is true that I partly blame myself, some of my actions, not communicating some things on time, but I am equally aware that we both did not communicate some things on time.

I certainly value my opinions, I consider them important and I don’t think that was a main problem. I think the problem was more in the fact that it took me time to process a certain issue with myself (buying a house), so that I could fully understand how I feel about that topic and what I think, and I was confused because it was something new for me and I wanted to reconsider what such a decision would mean for my life. It would certainly have been better if I had gone through it with my partner at the start. And to understand now what you wrote. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t really share their opinion, and that might be playing into what’s happening here.

It’s hard to face the fact that with your actions, which in my mind at the time were supposed to be for the benefit of everyone, you caused me to push away the person who means so much to me, whom I value so much and who treated me in so many beautiful ways.

We are not in contact at the moment, the break was relatively recent for 2-3 weeks and my birthday is in two weeks.

From your perspective, do you think that this relationship can somehow be fixed or even better to give it a fresh start but with acknowledging all previous mistakes, and if so, I would like to hear your advice on how to make trough it.

Once again, thank you very much for your kind reply
Martina

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