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Hi Heidi!
Thank you for acknowledging my efforts and sharing the Coach’s information with me. I’ll certainly contact her and see where it goes.
I am turning 33, which is weird to think about cause I feel more like 26 lol. My birthday to me, usually, is a sign of change. I’ve had several birthdays where my day seems to coincide with some sort of societal or environmental changes. Most notably was the day the world shut down at the beginning of Covid. It was literally a day after my bday (I turned 30). So it can be good and bad. It’s also around the time weather gets warmer.
I love your story about your mom making your birthdays special and memorable. I am very close to my mother as well. She is always sharing my birth story with me, especially when I’m feeling low.
You see, I was born in what is now the country of Eritrea. The country was at war for its independence when I was born. There were constant bombings. In fact the day I was born, my mother had to give birth in a bomb shelter because the was a bombing in the city! My mom never fails to remind me that I’m strong because I survived that experience lol I think it says a lot about my mom’s strength and optimism.
Another story she always tells me is that when I turned four, my parents planned me a huge surprise party, but I told them I did not want to attend because I had my own plans hahaha I vaguely remember that memory, I remember feeling determined about something.
I share all that to explain that I love these stories and see them as time marks of my emotional and spiritual growth. I hope that makes sense. This year will be a huge one for me as I have started to give myself much needed introspection, love, attention, education, etc. So one day this year can be one of those stories I can look back on with pride, gratitude and appreciation.Hey Heidi!
Things are better between us, improving. He’s not depressed anymore. And he is also not talking to the girl frequently anymore. He has also forgiven my friend. My birthday is coming up this weekend, and I wanted to do a dinner night with my friends. So I talked to him about it and asked him if he is comfortable being around her, while letting him it’s important for me have her there. He said he was fine with that and that he accepted her apology. So things are on the right path but there’s also a long way to go. But for the first time in a long time, I feel empowered and see my options clearly. I no longer feel like everything has to go one way in order to have the life and love I want.
This is why it’s important for me that you know your impact. It’s amazing how much has changed in the way I have shifted my mindset internally and my external communication.Hi Heidi,
Your response is full of amazing information. Thank for taking the time to explain everything thoroughly. I especially appreciate the Chapter 5 analogy. I think that I’ve spent time in chapter 2 as well. But like you, I am working on cracking that code to reach chapter 5. I think that it will take time to get there. But it’ll be worth it.
Also thank you for giving me an outline of how to respectfully but effectively communicate my emotions. I will be practicing this moving forward. I feel optimistic about the insight and skills I have gained from my correspondence with you. You have my deepest gratitude.Hi Heidi,
I loved your response! Thank you for explaining the depth of bypassing through your personal experience. The defining difference between knowledge and wisdom resonates with me. I come from a culture that places the highest value on the possession of wisdom through experience, age and enduring life’s traumas and pain. I definitely don’t think I am there! Lol
Nevertheless, I do believe that I’ll get there eventually. And I definitely know the process is complex and challenging.I feel like I’m taking baby steps because my fears and emotions are a lot to unpack. So my method has been to express and feel my emotions in controlled increments. I hope that makes sense.
When my bf told me about his reconnection, I certainly felt that fear of impending pain and abandonment. But I also felt that I was interested in his views and expressions of the situation. I admit, that’s the empathetic people pleaser in me. But after he talked to me and we had a respectful communication regarding my concerns, I felt the benefits of controlling my emotions.
Is this a bad thing for me to practice? I just don’t want my emotions to overwhelm my ability to communicate and navigate conflict resolution. A lot of my trauma in the past was a result of emotionally dysfunctional adults who were destructive. So I guess I am hyper vigilant not to model that influence in my life. Let me know your thought, I want to keep learning about the path to wisdom.Hi Heidi,
I think you have an interesting point about bypassing. I didn’t know this concept had a name but I am aware that I’ve always done that especially when I was younger. I think that I’ve had time to get a deeper understanding of my anger and hurt in terms of the triggers. My goal is not not to feel them but rather feel them, acknowledge them and use them to frame my understanding of my traumas. So instead of feeling like I’m overpowered by those emotions I can use them as a tool of learning myself.
Something interesting happened yesterday. Micah called the girl to wish her a happy birthday yesterday and he told me about it. He realized that he had ghosted the girl to avoid dealing with the issue. So he apologized to her and also explained that his actions were not mandated by me. Which is true since I never asked him to ghost her or block her. She then confided in him about all the crises she has been through since they last spoke and how it made her realize the value of his role in her life. To her credit she did acknowledge her codependency issues.
I listened to him and felt a slight sense of alarm. So I responded in honesty and expressed my trepidation while also accepting and praising his honesty and transparency. I told him that I am glad to see him dealing with his issues and not being avoidant. But I reminded him that my problem is not his communication with female friends but rather him using these relationships as a distraction. I explained that I’m gonna be cautiously optimistic because of how much repair and change we need in the relationship. I asked him to be mindful of that work we are doing. He received that well and promised that he will not repeat his mistakes and that he wants to continue to work on the relationship because I’m important to him.
I felt acknowledged and respected, but I’m also cautiously optimistic.Heidi,
I completely agree with regarding giving him time and space to feel his emotions and pull himself up. To answer your question about my thoughts on his depression: it’s a mixture of different feelings and reactions. It makes me sad to see him hurt and feeling rejection. The pride and ego in me did at first feel insulted, like his value of this girl somehow means I don’t matter. But I acknowledged this response and accepted it and just let it go. This made it easier to think deeper about the situation.
I realized that his feelings are understandable and valid. It has nothing to do with me. In fact, his friendship with this girl was never about and more about him and his needs. So I feel like this is his journey, and I hope he’ll gain more insight on himself as a result. I do want our emotional journeys to meet each other eventually. But for now, we may have to individually work on ourselves. It’s also possible that if he sees me working on my trauma and changing, he may feel inspired to do that for himself.Hi Heidi,
Yes, please share the information regarding the therapist. May I ask, is the therapist a relationship expert as well?
Since the letter and discussion, I’ve been wrapped up in school and work. I do full time school and part time work which takes up 48 hours of my day!☺️
I have not had a chance to dive deeper in the ongoing conversation with my boyfriend. Of importance, my boyfriend is not very comfortable with having frequent emotional conversations. Let me explain ….
He had a traumatic experience at age 10 during which he lost his father, his best friend. He never really got to grieve, however, because he had to be a source of comfort and resilience to his mother while she withdrew in her grief. He has told me that this made him avoidant and intolerant to any level of confrontation or even conflict-related discussion.
In contrast, I’m more blunt and direct with discussion of conflicts and communication of emotions. At least, that’s my baseline, unless I’m trying please others by internalizing my thoughts. Given these differences, I’m approaching our talks with caution: I’m spacing out my conversations with him.I want to approach these conversations with calm as well, so timing and setting means a lot to me.
One thing that’s bothering me is that he seems so depressed and withdrawn…just sad. I’ve prompted him to talk, and his response is reluctant and vague. Last night I had to do some late -night work and I told him he should try to do something social with his friends. His response was he had no friends to hang out with outhouse.
I was dumbfounded to hear this because he has an abundance of friends that actually love and communicate with him on a regular.
So I asked him if he misses his friendship with the gir and he replaid that it doesn’t matter since she blocked him on everything.
I’m not judging him but I’m also not stupid. I expected this to be the case given the codependency of their relationship.
My goals are still not to judge, show kindness and empathy,but still communicate my needs.
I think our next step is to discuss our goals for this relationship and figure out our opportunities of change and growth.Thank you for appraising my effort and openness. I have been reading some self help books for dealing with my abandonment issues. It’s been a learning curve but I enjoy the way it challenges my beliefs. I’d be open to connecting with a relationship therapist or Coach, if you have information on one.
I made an appointment this morning with a local therapist who deals with people with trauma, abandonment and attachment issues. I’m excited to start that journey.
Unfortunately I gave him that letter before I saw your message. He was emotional and receptive to it. But he seemed really sad as well, but he didn’t want to elaborate why. I have a feeling he misses the friendship with the girl.
He is open to couples therapy as well though reluctantly. Maybe he’ll change his mind once we start to benefit from it. Either way I’m doing my best to maintain an environment of acceptance, forgiveness and willingness to listen and be honest. If it all helps us, fantastic but if not then that’s okay too. Hoping for the best!Heidi,
Thank you for validating my intention to grow and change. I am 100% willing to go through therapy and come out a better woman and partner, no matter the rigor or brutal honesty of it all. I wrote a letter of apology to him last night. English is my second language so it always helps me when I write this out. I was very honest about my actions and how they were a product of my ego and sense of fear. I, tried to clearly and objectively relate my perspective and response to his actions. I also clearly stated all the triggers his actions set off in me; however I also addressed my plan to resolve these issues on myself.
It needed up being 3 pages! But I’m glad that I was able to do this and practice humility without ever blaming or implicating his faults.
I am planning to give him the letter this evening and hopefully have the conversation regarding couples therapy.
I am at the place where, I am now able to identify the reason his friendship as even a problem to begin with. I have moved from blaming the girl to reflecting and understanding why I even blamed it all on her. I know and accept my challenges and am going to seek the resources to correct and heal myself. However, I also now understand and accept the fact that, no matter how good I am as a person, it won’t necessarily mean he see me as the one. And I am actually okay with that. I just don’t want to walk away without doing my best to be the woman I know I can be. So if he’s not open to therapy or any other terms of resolution and compromise, then, my decision has been made for me. so overall, I feel that I am ready for various scenarios and feel capable of dealing with any outcome. I certainly have you to thank for helping me process this situation. I cannot tell you how much gratitude I have for your counsel. I’ll keep I touch and tell you how it goes.Hi Heidi,
Thank you for thorough response and advise. I completely agree with you, and will get a therapist for myself and discuss couples therapy with him. I can see your point about the codependent toxicity of it all. I am trying to learn more about my own faults and seek out resources to change my patterns. I am a big believer in resolution and growth through therapy and behavioral changes. Thank you again for all your help. Will keep in touch and let you know how it goes.Hi Heidi,
Thank you for responding and giving me really profound point to consider. I agree with in regards to the issue of control impacting my relationship negatively. I definitely did not feel good or right telling my boyfriend how much to communicate with his female friend. But I was so uncomfortable and felt disrespected by the contrast of communication, and comfort he shared with the girl compared to any other friend he has ever had. My issue was not that she’s a female because he has many female friends that I love and respect, but this friendship felt different. I guess I felt like I had to explicitly tell him because I do not trust the girl, and I also felt like their relationship could easily grow into romance if he gave into it. So I was not confident in his effort not to let that happen.
I do think his reactions were childish. He can be a vindictive person when he feels hurt or disrespected. He is not the best negotiator. I also feel like he grew up believing that he is emotionally and intellectually superior than most people because of how much trauma he went through. He lost the most important people in his life during his adolescent years, and grew up with a single mom. So I empathize with that and usually submit to his “it’s my way or the highway” approach to disagreement. I have abandonment issues from childhood so I’m a big people pleaser and will try anything to make someone happy. Also, I didn’t mention this last time, but I had actually approached the girl woman to woman to tell her that her relationship with my boyfriend has my blessing as long as she respects me and the relationship. She seemed to agree to my face but she used that communication to disparage my character to my best friend behind my back. My best friend told me what the girl said to her and how much she really didn’t care about my blessing or feelings.
Given all of these things, what could I have done differently? How should I address this with my boyfriend if it happens again? Currently he is not talking to the girl, though harbors resentment. He seems saddened, and I feel like neither of us won: he ended his friendship with her and I now can’t freely invite my best friend home because he banned her. my boyfriend and I have been pleasantly civil to each other, but we haven’t really profoundly discussed this whole situation with the goals of growing from it. It’s feels like there’s peace but not really any understanding, cooperation and negotiation. I do not want to lose him, but I’m not sure if his love for me is still the same. My goal has been marriage in the next two years. Now I feel like that might not happen for us. What do you suggest for us to be able to actually talk and figure out solutions to move forward and grow from this experience?
