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Hi Heidi, this made me feel so heard and so much better. It is very similar to what my family and friends are saying and it is difficult because he is a good person and they all do like him too. He was super respectful, caring and thoughtful to all of them and loving towards me. But, it just seems like he does not understand the work a relationship takes and I am trying to see this as a positive in that if I hadn’t found that list and asked him to really think about what he wants, I might have been more hurt and blindsided later. It also feels like I was not enough for him to want to make it work. He had one serious girlfriend in the past and broke up with her after 14 months. The reasons he gave seem very similar to the reasons he gave me, but when I asked about it he got upset and said he did not like me psychoanalyzing his past all the time.
It doesn’t make it any easier because I still love him and I know he still cares about me. In terms of his family – He is an only child and his mom definitely does A LOT for him still. I mean, he is independent and making his own money but whenever he comes home she takes care of everything. He lived with her after college graduation until the last two months when he moved to Seattle. His parents did not have a great relationship (honestly he never wanted to talk about it even when I asked, and sometimes it felt like he was just avoiding what happened in his parents marriage). They divorced as soon as he went to college (so they stayed together, even though they were unhappy, throughout his high school years). He sees his father here and there but it does not seem like he respects his father very much and tries to avoid what went wrong in his parents relationship. In fact I remember asking once if his father had remarried or dating and he said “idk i think he has a girlfriend.” Then I asked if he had met his father’s girlfriend and he said, “why would I care.” His mom has no intention to get remarried or date. I asked him if he wants his mom to find a companionship and he said he doesn’t like to think about that. I realize now typing this out that he does come off as selfish and self-centered but during our relationship he never did not prioritize me. He would respond immediately, pick up anytime I called and truly gave me everything I had ever wanted. But, I remember one fight we had about 6 months into our relationship where I told him I felt like I didn’t even know him. He got upset and said that if I feel that way then maybe we shouldn’t be together. I told him I loved him and all I wanted was to get to know every part of him deeper. He agreed and I thought we had worked through that. But, I realize that maybe he just can’t. Or maybe I am not the right girl, which hurts so much.
More I reflect the more I realized that he really needs to go through this period of growth on his own, no matter how hard it is for me to let go. He definitely would not be a good partner right now, but I am having trouble killing the hope for the future. Thank you
Hi, thank you for the response. He says that he felt like I was making plans and forcing him to do them (even though when I asked he said he wanted to). He also said that it was overwhelming at times to give me attention long distance and that he felt that I sometimes took his time for granted. I told him that I am sorry I made him feel this way and that moving forward we can work on spending more quality rather than quantity and work on ways to make him feel less smothered.
The more I have reflected the more I am so deeply hurt by his actions and words. He told me he loved me more than anyone and acted like it, then he was keeping a list of “red flags.” It is like he was trying to find reasons why it wouldn’t work. But I am so deeply hurting. I love him with all my heart and though I am trying not to blame myself I feel so sad. I miss him.
He is a good person and I am so angry, but disappointed and so so sad. I’m trying to be strong but nothing is making sense.
