[A]

Just to clarify, I didn’t end up seeing him this weekend (as originally planned a few weeks ago) but had a really good time on my own. I say “we” because I’m really aware of my inner child at the moment. In a nice way.
I’m keen to keep her safe and happy in the back seat as life flows so much better when she isn’t driving.

I love her. She’s cute and fun but way too young to be driving anything!

[A]

Thank you so much for this Heidi.
I have done inner child work before but never like this.
On the day you wrote this I was feeling resentful of a friend of a friend. I saw your response and did the writing exercise. The resentment was hurt and it felt so good to be able to recognize, soothe and release it. I had used my sons crayons and decided to go buy my own. Whilst in the shop I picked up crayons, coloured pencils, paper and a “manifestation” colouring book.

My son came home to find me colouring in a yellow brick road with lots of trees for Lau Tzo’s “journey of a 1000 steps begins with the first step”

He got so excited. Colouring is the quickest way to calm him and he kept saying to me “do you get why I love it so much now” and “try it before bed”

My sleep has been better and I’ve been in a really good place (which is why I’ve delayed responding to you, apologies)

I can almost feel everything slowing down when I colour.

This week has gone by so quickly. I got a text on Friday from my SP asking if we were still on for tea that evening and if so, would I like a lift. I responded that a lift would feel good and got ready.

When he arrived he said “wow you look amazing” when he saw me. We had a nice evening – 3 hours together. He seemed so interested in my week. We laughed lots.

I had originally planned a weekend away with him this weekend but thanks to dialoging with my inner child by crayon, we had a fun weekend. My son was with his aunt/cousins.

I’ve mowed my lawn, journaled, coloured, walked the dog, gone to church and had a 2nd set of ear piercings over the weekend!

Thank you for your support. I can’t believe how powerful this simple exercise is!

[A]

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your insights. The process of writing and reading your response has helped me immensely. I can get a mindfulness course paid for by work so I will do this. I did do a mindfulness course in 2018 and then recommended he do it. It helped me immensely but over time I stopped applying all I learnt and he will sometimes remind me. Repeating an 8 week program would really benefit me.

The fear is of rejection and stems from childhood. I’m starting work on this. I was a very different child to my 2 sisters so the one size approach didn’t quite fit my sensitive nature and I really had to “toughen up” to size. I’m working on boundaries to help me have soft outer core but tough on the inside. Currently the reverse and one of the things I learnt about the anger outbursts is that it was fear driven. My reptilian brain literally thought I was about to be attacked. My sister once came at me, raised voiced and fingers pointing. I fled the scene as she is someone that once physically attacked me. My sister told my mum that my eyes were flickering and darting all over the place. They were worried I had some kind of brain injury but I later learnt it was a fear response.

I’m going to be doing some work on my inner child wounds and correcting the needs that weren’t met. Thank you for that mantras on trust.

My boyfriend is very much a structured person who thrives on consistency and order. My life is chaotic but over the last 7 years I have become more structured and consistent. I’m learning how structure can help me.

For instance, shortly after he rang me on Saturday with the bad news, my phoned beeped that it was time to mow the lawn. It’s a Saturday afternoon chore I now enjoy and I lept into autopilot. Topped up the mower with petrol and mowed the grass, feeling very proud of the neat lines on my lawn. I actually felt better after and the fear didn’t show up that afternoon,

We have also acknowledged that we don’t rally together when things go wrong. I’m looking at my part. For instance, when his home was a building site he moved into mine whilst working on his house. My son and I were due to move in at a set date when my boyfriend fell off his ladder and broke his hand. He was told he couldn’t work for 6 months but it ended up being 9 months.
I started off being sympathetic and will admit I definitely sent a pushy vibe his way. I was in a job I hated and we had talked about me leaving and taking time to find the right job which I could do if our households combined but not if I stayed in my house paying my mortgage.

Thank you. There is so much more insight here. Thank you so much! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[A]

Thanks Heidi.
I didn’t used to manage conflict well. I would get angry and erupt, he doesn’t do anger and would walk out. 3 weeks or so later we’d miss each other and resume contact. Over time I learnt to manage my emotions and he learnt how to calm me. These days I don’t blow up but it took nearly losing my job to do the work and now I know when to remove myself before I reach the point of no return. I blew up with a colleague who went to HR and reported me for intimidation and bullying. I swore at this colleague in front of other colleagues and it really humiliated him. I should have apologised but I didn’t. The colleague asked for an apology but felt it wasn’t sincere so escalated to HR. Scary times. My boyfriend was very supportive actually. His support during that time caught me off guard.

I was later diagnosed with ADHD in my forties and boyfriend was incredibly supportive over that too. Read so many books on the topic and came to a therapy session to learn how best to support me. My family weren’t supportive and feel ADHD isn’t a thing and he surprised me by sending information to my mum to try to help her understand. He bought me an Apple Watch to help me manage time better and not forget things after my son told him about burnt dinners that set off the smoke detector. He got me a Washing machine that hums a very loud tune so I don’t forget my washing and I also automatically put a timer on my watch.

Everything is scheduled now, from Bin night on Wednesday to days I run to all my sons extracurricular activities. Some people couldn’t cope with a watch managing their lives but it has been a savior for me. Those lift beeps pull me out of hyper focusing where I can be working on something for what I think is a few minutes only to find hours have gone by.

We did live together in the past but in my home. After 14 months together we decided to try for a baby. He had always been scared of kids but living with me and my 7 year old made him feel like having a kid was “doable”. Unfortunately we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks. It hurt like hell and at the time my emotions went off the scale. Later when I was in a better place he shared how much losing the baby had hurt and said he just couldn’t put himself through that ever again. I was hurt and confused about whether I wanted a baby or not. We broke up then and I had space to process what I wanted. I realised I didn’t want a baby, more the “security” I thought a baby would provide.

The relationship resumed once we were both clear we were both happy not to have kids. He moved in with me during the pandemic and we got a dog which he absolutely adores.
During the puppy training stage I remembered the broken sleep of baby days and remembered how much I struggled with motherhood in the beginning. Even now he will sometimes ask me if I’m going to resent him later for not having a child with me. When Naomi Campbell had her baby at 50, he brought babies up and I was a little worried he wanted one because I really don’t now. I turn 47 this year and in 4 years my son will be an adult. My son is shaping into a nice, considerate and kind teenager but being a mum is the hard. I do have a fear that my boyfriend might decide at 55 that he wants a kid. I’m working on that and have expressed that to him to which he replies “have you met me?” We laugh at how a child sneezing will get him rushing for the disinfectant but then I remember how he used to drive my son to school, teach him about spiders webs and I sometimes catch him looking at strangers children with tenderness.

For the most recent spell of living with me (March 2020 to May 2021) I noticed he was getting thinner and thinner whilst constantly eating. He said it was because he gave up gluten. He was also sweating a lot and often had to stop during sex as his heart was racing so badly. He refused to see a doctor. He was constantly hungry, always irritable and when he told me he had an urge to hit my son (who was 11 at the time), we agreed it was time for him to move out. I begged him to just get a blood test and once he did, he was diagnosed with Graves’ disease (an overactive thyroid). He was put on medication to protect his heart until the thyroid meds kicked in.

The anxiety, exhaustion, sweating, increased appetite and weight loss made sense as did his irritability and uncharacteristic urge to strike.

I class him moving out as a break up because we didn’t see or speak to each other for 3 weeks. contact started when my dog escaped and was found by a kind stranger who called my ex as his number was on the dog tag. He held me whilst I cried and told him how scared I’d been when our dog ran off. He held me tight and we talked about how much we missed each other. He agreed life doesn’t work without me. He told me about his diagnosis and I came to all his hospital appointments.

The most recent break up in November 2022 was after I went through a period of stress involving my ex husband who has stepped away from seeing his son. I had to put my son first but also really leaned on my boyfriend emotionally for 6 months. I phoned him every day for support but always felt too exhausted to see him. After 6 months he told me that he couldn’t take it anymore and he felt I was only keeping him around for chores around the house and dog sitting. He said he had raised his frustration 3 months earlier and I agreed to schedule a weekly date night and spend 1 night a month overnight with him. I never got round to date night and pulled out of any we’d agreed on offering to chat on the phone instead. I was overwhelmed by life as was also in a new job. I cope by retreating into myself and time goes by very quickly when I withdraw from life.

My son is now back on track. Adjusting to life without his dad (they text but my ex husband is not allowed to call or see his son, new wife’s rules. Her attitude towards my son started changing when her own babies were born. They relocated miles away and visits to get my son turned into whole day events with the travel stressing my son out)

My son is 14 now and just diagnosed as autistic. I’m immersing myself in learning about this and realised it’s likely my boyfriend is too. I shared this and he started researching. Says it makes so much sense and explains so much about his school years.

He had proposed we build emotional intimacy through friendship as he said the 6 month spell of no sex made him realise we have little emotional intimacy. Friendship and emotional intimacy scare me but I was committed to learn and show up as his friend. A few times I tried to kiss him. He declined saying it would lead to sex.

So I accepted friendship and was enjoying his company. I could see the sense of what he was proposing but on the day he kissed me, fear set in. The fear was that if I asked what he was doing, he might think I’m rejecting him. I really wanted him to know I love him.

Of course with sex back I slipped into my “intense” mode where I start planning, scheduling dates, weekends away, summer holidays, the next Coronation event!

I had expressed disappointment that he was watching Kings Charles coronation with his parents, sister and her family but I hadn’t been invited and asked him if we could spend Williams coronation together.

He runs a business fitting kitchens and bathrooms. He lives in what we call a “show home”. 3 beds/3 baths, nice garden, beautiful kitchen. It’s his “office” and where his clients would come if he isn’t going to their house. He has an office full of catalogues, samples etc.
Everything has a place and he freaks out about my son living in his “workspace”. I’ve stayed over for up to 2 weeks before when my son was spending summer holidays with his dad but I know to leave everything as I find it. All my stuff is tucked away into the cleverly designed storage space’s so that if a client showed up, the house is good to show.

I hope this helps explain my situation. I had thought that last Saturday he was calling to invite me to his nieces birthday party.
I really wanted to go, not for an authentic reason but because I wanted him to be explaining to his family we were back together. It’s silly really now I think about it. He told me he knew I really wanted to go to the party and he felt guilty for not taking me.

He said he had proposed a friendship. I had suggested meeting once a week and he was really enjoying that. Then mid week and weekend meet ups started happening, we started having sex (which he said he loved but it also confuses him as friends don’t sleep together). He said I had asked to move in with my son and dog for a week in June, was planning a weekend away, a weeks holiday in August, Williams coronation in God knows how many years time and it was all too much for him.

The way we’ve left it is that we’ll go back to the original plan. Meet for coffee on a Friday. He drops me home but my son is in the house so no risk of sex happening.

As I type this I realise that I have a sense of urgency. I see now that I was setting up the midweek meetups when my son was at football which is near his house. As I’m processing this I’ve realised I wasn’t happy with the pace and wanted to speed through friendship using physical intimacy 🙁

So that urgency is something I need to work on…..it’s not like my clock is ticking.

One last thing. He used to drink a lot. That was another source of our arguments. In the end I could see he was trying to quit but kept slipping up. I got off his back and decided to enjoy the years I have with him.
During the whole thyroid thing, the doctors expressed concern over the state of his liver enzymes. He was asked to cut out alcohol completely for 3 months. This scared him and he hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol for over a year. He now sees the world very differently (he had been quite a heavy drinker).
As his mum said to me “I don’t know what’s going on with him, he quit alcohol, he quit meat, he quit dairy and now he has decided to quit you”

I’m not a big drinker but I do enjoy a glass of wine. I try not to drink around him but the other night asked him if he’d mind if I had a drink. He said he was fine and not even remotely tempted. I sometimes feel he feels a little superior now but that could be my insecurities? I would rather not drink but if I’m in a bar, it just feels weird not to so we try to spend as much time as we can in cafes.

Apologies this is so long.
The drifting off is an ADHD thing. He handles it so well, even before he knew I had ADHD. He is a very curious man and would ask me where I just went. Boyfriends in the past would accuse me of not listening or feel I was implying they were boring as my eyes had glazed over.

He would ask me where I’d gone. So I would explain “when you said this, it made me think of x which made me think of x”

Since the diagnosis I am much improved. It does sometimes happen during sex but usually he’ll suggest a position change and just ask me to come back in the room. I’ll usually laugh and he’ll ask me where I went.

Thanks so much for reading and for any advice 🙏🏼🙏🏼

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