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Thank you so much!! You are very helpful!!! I mean that and I appreciate your words of insight and wisdom as I’m sure everyone feeling desperate does!! Yes , I have a therapist. I wanted to see if I could get 2 sessions a week. The thing is I need my license and my insurance cards and we need to close the bank account. He doesn’t or can’t handle all this right now, even bringing me my license. I don’t want to text him I also do not want to get a duplicate. What do I do? He knows I need them I also asked him to dissolve our lives and have 100% no contact. He is infuriated at the idea of not seeing the kids , that’s his focus. My daughter called him and he said he thinks of her everyday and loves and misses her , she asked when he could come see her and he replied he doesn’t know. 😔That was disappointing to her she misses him so much and wants him to come back! I have a hard time accepting his things are here and his moms things and our accounts and finances are not resolved and there seems to be no plan. He refused to come and make a plan.It’s hard for me to move on while just waiting!! Seeing his clothes and belongings hurts!!I suspect that is too emotional right now it presents a more solid detachment is that correct?? And why did he want to crash his car because of me? He said I did nothing to deserve this,
Okay so he said he thought long and hard and thinks that we should limit contact only concerning the kids and his belongings. That his feels his good hearted nature he feels leads me on and he does not feel the same toward me as I do him. I responded by saying thank you for stepping up! I was advised that we should cut ties completely and dissolve everything quickly so that we both could move on and heal. That he didn’t need to be a father or bf just and free 20 year old to grow experience and explore. I told him I would like everything out of the house . He responded very defensively and said he did not want to argue about this before bed. That he feels I am not respecting what he needs or wants. That I am using the kids as weapon against him when he loves them with all his heart , soul and mind!!! That they are our children!!I responded that I wasn’t using them against him but that he needed to free of the stress and responsibility of anything to do with the family then maybe after 2 months and everything has calmed down they can contact each other. He says that’s unfair and unjust!!! So I said okay I will not stop you from contacting them and associating. The next day I told him he needed to come to the house and make a plan of action to dissolve our lives. He also has my license and insurance cards for the kids so I asked him to bring that to me please and this may only take about 30 minutes. He said he would, but didn’t show. I called and he answered. I asked if he was coming. He said no I’m not!! I said why?? Because I don’t want to , I can’t handle it. I was upset and said that’s because you are a coward to face the kids and me and get this done. He began to totally vent the reasons he felt so lost, he had been having this emotional affair for 4 weeks when he said he lost love for me. He swears there was no sex just texting and kissing. I just found out how long yesterday. He unleashed a flood of emotions he cried and said that he is so unstable right now, he hardly has money to get gas and is living in a homeless shelter with chores and curfew and it’s so noisy. He says he’s been touring apts. He says he hasn’t eaten in 3 days!!He says he is withering away to nothing. He yelled and was so angry!!He says I didn’t support his discipline and would give my daughters phone back when he had taken it away, ( which did happen once , I gave it back before it was time and incorporated another disciplinary action because we were always taking her phone. He said I didn’t show him appreciation for all he did and he bent over backwards giving and giving without praise and attention and he couldn’t stand it it crushed him then the connection was lost even though we still kissed passionately and cuddled and texted all day and made love!! Not the last 2 weeks he was there though, no making love. He said he hadn’t dealt with all his trauma and then the stress and he stepped up so much!! I have passing thoughts of you, he said. He even called me baby out of the blue and doesn’t do that 3 nights ago. He then said I drove 150 mph . almost into a tree because of you!! He told me not to call him back he was so upset. I texted him and told him to pray and breathe!! That I don’t expect to ever be with him, but just grow as a human!That in time maybe I can be his friend to pray for guidance and let our creator mold us both into better people and learn from this!! I told him I would not text anymore to feel free to reach out to the kids anytime he wants. He also mentioned he wanted to check on me every now and then maybe every 2 weeks. I asked him how was I to be his friend? How can I call him up if I’ve had a hard day? I can’t. Maybe in time. But for now he still has my license and our finances are not settled and he’s on my phone plan and insurance. I also told him where I went wrong and how I should have backed him up and respected him as head because he knew what to do !! He was rocking it!! I also made a terrible mistake the morning I found out about his affair. I was trembling and crying and devastated because it was so fresh!! My son 16 I had to take to school and he kept looking at me and asking me what was wrong??? I told him that my bf had cheated not sexually but kissing and he had feelings for her. I shouldn’t have done that!! At that moment I burdened him with my adult issue!! He came home and was furious and wanted to see my bf and talk to him and he told him he wanted to rip his throat out, that he bailed on us and the spark does go away you keep having to get it back and he told him there was no reason he should be there after what he did to his momma and I was sitting listening and crying in shock that all this was happening. I have PTSD too. So my bf got up and left and has been gone ever since. Since then I have talked to both kids about the human factor we all mistakes, even happy couples are at risk if they aren’t aware and feed their relationships , That I was sorry I told my son and my daughter found out by overhearing my son talk to the bf. That they shouldn’t have known and had to carry that burden. That my ex bf loves them and there relationship is separate from mine. So getting back to why I told you this my ex keeps saying they should have never known this you involve them in everything! Big or small. He said they shouldn’t even know if the rents behind ! He’s right. He is exactly right!! But why is he talking about all this now??So do you have any suggestions as far as where I am now?? I haven’t texted since yesterday and I’m making myself with all self control not to text him.
Thank you so much!! And yes it’s torture to talk to him and have him not answer my text quickly or for hours or to not text back at all in the same day. I have recently not been answering as quickly either to show I’m not easily available. I knew I had to do something because my hearts ripping at every sign of hope! He stayed here in this area with no ties except the kids and he says he doesn’t want to be far away what if something happens to me or the kids and he can’t get here in time. So he’s getting an apartment. We have bank accounts cell phone bills and car insurance together and all his mothers belongings here. I guess we are going to have to dissolve everything but it needs to be done quickly so I can stop engaging. This is hard because my ten year old has had him in her life since she was 5. She grew up with him in the household and he’s gone as well as her Dad. We lived like we were married and it’s all so messed up. I understand what he needs to do for himself. It’s selfish of me to want him when he so very badly needs to reconnect with his self and figure out who he is. I wrote a song, a complete song with music as well, music is a huge part of our lives! First song ever that I completed !! It’s heartbreaking about this situation, but I reached out to see if there are any bands looking for a female singer, music is healing to me. I’m trying to make myself better and reach out for exciting changes. Join the gym , lose weight take care of me. I’ve been doing nightly meditation on self love and letting go .. I always believe that in any negative situation you can come out dynamic!! I’m crawling out of this darkness and pain in my heart it has been the most crippling excruciating feeling I have ever felt suddenly and abruptly!! Can you help me understand why he texted me constantly and told me just 3 days before that I was the only person he ever wanted to be with in this world, while he was having this emotional affair? Why he even texted me on break while she was sitting there and she was jealous? Never missed texting me on the dot on his breaks saying how much he missed me? These are things I don’t understand . If I had more clarity I could put that at peace. Insight helps me deal with anything. I know that no matter what I’m going to be okay. I tell myself everyday, “You don’t have to have all the answers today “ let’s see what life gives you, and what you can find and experience from this life lesson. I’m a massage therapist, the day I found out I had to go to work and do 5 massages with intent to heal and repair others while having a dagger in my heart. I know I’m strong and I can overcome. I just don’t know quite how to resolve everything we have in the household. Sometimes I just want to hold him so we can say our goodbyes in spirit, the most tragic heart breaking love is UNREQUITED LOVE !! I have had lots of trauma in my life too and lots of counseling but this takes me back to being rejected by my mother and kicked out of the house at 12 . I have to get over myself and realize it’s not about me , it’s about him…. Thank you so much . I find peace as well as pain in your words but it’s easier to accept with transparency. Blessings to you for helping so many who are desperate for answers.. any thoughts on dissolving our lives?
Thank you so much!! Yes it is heart breaking and it’s not the answer my heart and mind want to hear. But I love him enough to set him free and I’m been grieving it the Lose ever since. It’s a very complicated situation. I told him he needed to have some experience when we talked about our relationship and if we wanted to try. He said at the time he never could see his self with another but I understand the mentality of his age and he knew this could happen but he assured me it never would however changes and growth and situations occur and that makes us all take different roads. Thank you again!!He always says he loves me with all his heart and he never wants me not in his life and wants to be good friends and work on our friendship and communication with the kids and do stuff with us but that is hard!! Because I settled in my heart on only him for forever. How do I handle that? He text everyday and we talk about how we are working on ourselves and enacting change, but everything gives me hope. Do I just let go completely? Text don’t text? Please help me with that part.
Thank you so much!! Yes it is heart breaking and it’s not the answer my heart and mind want to hear. But I love him enough to set him free and I’m been grieving it the Lose ever since. It’s a very complicated situation. I told him he needed to have some experience when we talked about our relationship and if we wanted to try. He said at the time he never could see his self with another but I understand the mentality of his age and he knew this could happen but he assured me it never would however changes and growth and situations occur and that makes us all take different roads. Thank you again!!
Okay he lived with my family at 15 and I was married with 2 children 5 and 10 . I was in a terrible marriage of gaslighting and narcissism. I left my husband finally because it got worse after he came to stay and we moved into his mothers house( the new bf) ( that wasn’t)mothers house and I had to work and he was homeschooled so he picked up the slack with the kids and they respected him he was 16 then. His mother was in jail and let me stay there because I had her son and he had no where to go. Over the years we had a great friendship!! Absolute best friends !! He was a person who had been on drugs and I sent him to rehab he had terrible PTSD and after we moved into his moms we all started therapy. We were inseparable. He grew so much and got over so much of his childhood trauma and got his license and a job and when it came time for him to leave at 18 we had to take a look at our relationship he didn’t want to leave because he had grown to love me and I had grown to love him , we talked to our therapist about our feelings and she said it’s no wonder you too have a beautiful friendship and have been thru alot together. His mother passed away and his dad was on drugs but he was doing great although we all went thru that trauma of her death and the divorce and then we had to move out of the house suddenly because the house was in foreclosure. We did it though !! He is still drug free and we have all had ART therapy and still have counseling but have missed the last month. We decided to take our relationship to the next level talked to the church and my ex and and the kids and we all adapted and we were accepted. The kids loved and respected him and that’s something because my son is only 5 years younger. So here we are now actually 2 years into our intimate relationship and that’s when this affair just happened. So he been with me 5 years ago but in the relationship intimately for 2. Im 20 + years older, but he is much older intellectually than 20 because he has been thru so much. He doesn’t act anything like a 20 yr old he has lived the life of a 70 year old and had to grow up quickly. He sister was burned alive in a house fire they both were in when she was 6 and he was 4 . He’s a gentle soul and a beautiful dynamic person with strong values and morals and he feels terrible that he felt unfulfilled and allowed this to happen at work. He says he’s going to work on himself. He says he’s praying for strength and that he hasn’t hardly eaten in 4 days. He feels like a total failure but doesn’t know what he wants or needs. Now my daughter was abandoned by her dad and she was sexually abused by my bf ‘ s uncle and we had no idea!! I found out and put her in counseling but it affected her greatly. She would have outbursts of anger terrible , so bad I would have to call the police because of her feelings about the abandonment! Because of that she would talk very disrespectful and unkind to my bf and he would love and nurture her all he could, tuck in her in hold her hand and pray and she kept rejecting him because her dad rejected her and he wasn’t her dad. She would feel terrible about and apologize and write him letters saying she was sorry, and call him dad. Very confused little girl.. so that’s my story as crazy as it is…However it’s been more peaceful in the last month than ever. With her.
