Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi, I have another question/rant I need to talk about. I can be reasonable and explain things clearly and calmly, but I still have bursts of anger and become emotional at times. This post is one of those bursts… I don’t censor my emotions as I’m working through them. Here goes.
My husband of the past 15 years struck a friendship with a girl he met online and left me 2 months ago. I don’t know if they are dating, but I know innapropriate things have happened. It’s all online since they don’t live in the same country. After he left, I thought he would find some answers and figure out a relationship with a 19 years old girl online in another country is ridiculous. Considering the fact he is 35, has 2 children with me, had a house, a car and she has nothing. No job, no house, no schooling. I do not know the nature of their relationship nor have I asked since he is defensive and has been blaming me of not respecting his privacy. I do not condone his behavior at all, but in my current situation, I can’t ask questions and expect him to be honest or to react in a mature way since he believes he is the victim of a nagging wife. I agree, I did check his phone, computer and whatnot because he was getting secretive and it triggered me.
My question is, how do I make myself more interesting than his *friend* that convinced him to leave me? He believes she is mature for a 19 year old and that she wants his well-being when in fact, she is a dumb immature teen that did not consider anything else involved when she told him his happiness was worth more than his family. She is toxic, unreliable and acts in a very immature way, yet he only sees what he wants to see. I’ve been hoping he would have had a falling out with her by now, but I got confirmation they still are talking and it makes me angry, jealous and disappointed. How come a 19 year old he met online 3 months ago got priority on his wife of the past 15 years and children?
Stephanie
Hi,
I can move this conversation in my original thread. I thought I needed a new thread since this is another subject. My apologies.
Stephanie
Hi Spyce,
I suffer from anxiety and a need to control my environment, including people and events. I was not comfortable with my partner watching porn, smoking and spending a lot of time with friends without including me. So I did make unreasonable demands in the past and I did spy on him to ensure he was not lying to me. It was cyclic, so I would get triggered and slip. When I slipped, I’d hover around him, reading his conversations over his shoulder or look at his computer screens. I now know the last bout was most likely triggered because he had become secretive and defensive when I would ask about his friends and what he was doing with them. He would argue that he had no privacy and that he felt like he was under surveillance 24/7. It’s true, but at the same time, he also pulled away, was not helping much around the house and of course my intention was not to make him retreat in a frenzy like he did, but rather letting him know I was unhappy he did not communicate and help.
He left because he believes I can’t change and that no matter what happens, he will not be happy with me and the kids. He does see the children and me, but at this time, I’m quite sure he is still talking to the friends that convinced him he was in a toxic relationship rather than ask him to take a hard look at how he was acting and neglecting his family. For now, I wish to rebuild something and prove to him that we could both have something together, but not what we had before. I agree with him on that point, our dynamic was not healthy and I don’t want that back. I want the companionship, the laughs, the cuddles, the pranks and so much more, but I need to work on my codependency. That’s what I think makes me react in unhealthy ways in many relationships.
Stephanie
Hi Spyce,
My husband used to be a decent partner when he was working a full time job. It gave him a purpose and he was happy to come back home to his kids. Things made more sense then. He would spend time with me once the kids were asleep and share his favorite streamers. We’d put it on the TV and watch it together.
We would enjoy trying new restaurants, going shopping and walking hand in hand, getting coffee. He was a fun partner on a date. At home, it was fun to cook with him and sharing our morning coffee, but things had gotten difficult since the pandemic. I really enjoy his company as he is a very funny person and he is endearing to be around. He is very good with the children when they are sick and he could be very nurturing and affectionnate.
That is the man I knew and what I miss. He does have issues and I admit that he has to figure it out for himself. I hope he will mature and get a better understanding of what he really decided to leave behind. He will never be happy as long as he pins the blame on everyone else, but he has to realize that his unhappiness was not my doing. I played a part, but he made his own choices.
We started talking again and we see each other twice a week when he comes to take care of the kids after diner. We casually hang together and watch tv with the children or read books with them. I take this as an improvement and also the fact that he wants to help around the house and the yard before it gets too cold. He started showing signs that he cares about what I have to do daily for the children.
I am fully aware that he needs to grow up, but I am not ready to let go yet. I’m slowly getting better on my own and I try to do things for myself, but I’m keeping the door open, just in case. He started school 3 days ago and it will give him a purpose. A drive. I just want to see what will happen after staying home 3 years. Does that answer your questions?
Stephanie
Hi Spyce,
Things have been tough since the beginning of the pandemic. We were cooped up at home with the kids while I was working from home in a small apartment that needed repairs. It was infested with ants and we were constantly fighting because we were unhappy with the way things were handled by our landlord.
Last fall, we bought a house and the deal was that he would find a job or go back to school. I thought that would have turned the tide, helped him out of his weird depressed mood. I did try to get him psychological help, but he refused to see a therapist. I convinced him to enroll in school in January and he seemed to be happy with his choice.
Thing is, last year, he lost his best friend to cancer and during winter and spring, he started looking for a new group of friends. I did not bat an eye, it made him happy and he needed to socialize. Until August, I thought he would turn his life around with school and help me with our new routine, 2 children going to school and me going back to work at the office.
Instead, he got sucked in by his new group of friends and he came to the conclusion that the relationship was making him unhappy and he walked on the children and I. I was looking forward to my husband feeling better about his career after a 3 years hiatus and having a more balanced life since he wouldn’t be cooped up in the basement gaming all day long.
I know it does not make sense, but we had built a life, things were starting to get better and he decided to blow up everything. Maybe he just wasn’t cut out for a family, but he is a prime example of a midlife crisis. An early one, but his career had been stagnating for years and he decided not to address his personal issues, but rather project them on me.
Stephanie
Am I still allowed to hope for a better outcome? I feel pressured by family members and friends to grieve and start dating as soon as possible, but I am scared. I never dated anyone else and I never had intimacy with another man, so it’s not going to be on the table for a long time.
Please tell me other women had similar horror stories and still managed to get back with their SO because I do believe it is possible to turn the tide. I just want hope.
