[Stephanie W]

Yes I do feel much better after processing all of these points.

I’m going to focus on my rebuilding my inner peace and learning to trust myself again. I want to continue striving to be the best version of myself.

When I’m ready, I will approach dating with a very different mindset & purpose this time!

[Stephanie W]

Thanks Heidi!

Everything you said made sense as always.

For me, I watched my parents go through ups and downs within their marriage of 43 years. When I say unconditional love, I should have specified to say within reason and no abuse. Unconditional love to me means your vow/covenant is not easilyy broken or compromised for the superficial things of this world. In the same token, BOTH people have to want the relationship to work. I agree, there are some conditions like abuse that are unacceptable.

I really appreciate your help and opening my eyes to some major thinking points. I will continue to learn and go VERY SLOW with whatever comes next in life!

Much love and appreciation Heidi <3

[Stephanie W]

Thanks Heidi!

Everything you said made sense as always.

For me, I watched my parents go through ups and downs within their marriage of 43 years. When I say unconditional love, I should have specified to say within reason and no abuse. Unconditional love to me means your vow/covenant is not easily broken or compromised for the superficial things of this world. In the same token, BOTH people have to want the relationship to work. I agree, there are some conditions like abuse that are unacceptable.

I really appreciate your help and opening my eyes to some major thinking points. I will continue to learn and go VERY SLOW with whatever comes next in life!

Much love and appreciation Heidi <3

[Stephanie W]

Creating the non-negotiable list is really difficult.
-Yes extremely difficult!! I’ve been thinking over the past week, gosh, I’m still not 100% sure I even know what I want!!

Here is a way to view the non negotiables. There are 3 parts to a relationship.
1. YOU
2. HIM
3. The RELATIONSHIP You both contribute to the 3rd part.
-I love how you broke this down!! This was a lightbulb moment for me.

Is it okay if he is passionate about making money and that is his purpose and what his career supports?
-Yes, but I am not materialistic so it would depend on his WHY. Money to ensure a better future for his kids? Yes that’s fine. Money for power, status, cars, etc then NO!

How do all of these qualities show up in a relationship? What does your dream relationship feel like to you?
-My dream relationship is reciprocal. Give and take. Intentionality about life and glorifying God in our relationship. Supporting and encouraging one another. Agape, unconditional love.

How do these qualities you mentioned end up being expressed in the relationship?
-Learn the love language of your spouse. Words and actions correlate. Performing random acts of kindness. Thinking of ways to make your spouses day less stressful (making their lunch, doing an extra chore that they normally do, etc). Fighting fair.

If you think your list seems unrealistic, maybe you should consider that your standards are a little low. Are you all of those qualities that you listed? I imagine so. So if YOU have all of those qualities, why can’t a man also have all of those qualities?
-I think you have a point here. I probably do have high standards and expectations for myself but not in men. I’m not sure why, maybe fear of rejection?

First, do you want to rekindle things with Nick? Or do you feel like you are okay with letting him go now?
-Part of me does want to rekindle bc I know what to expect and it’s comfortable. I really do care about him. Realistically, I know I need to let him go bc I will end up hurt again in the end. Wooosah! I have to let him go and give it to God all the way!

[Stephanie W]

Heidi,

I’ve been seriously thinking and thinking about all you said…….

Establishing my non-negotiables (within reason) is much harder than I thought…..especially in the world in which we live and the hook-up culture. I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations of my future partner.

-strong faith and family centered values
-his own passion, purpose, career
-words and actions coincide
-empathetic, kind, affectionate
-honest, respectful, loyal
-willing to work on effective communication

This list seems a bit unrealistic!!
What do you think?

I really appreciated how you explained this:
“I actually teach people, if you want to learn what the challenging parts are going to be about a person, just look at their greatest qualities and then figure out what the shadow side is to each quality and that’s what you will be dealing with as well.”

Overall, I’m discouraged about rekindling things with Nick again or getting back into the dating scene. Ugh!

[Stephanie W]

Over the past 6-8 months, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection. I am comfortable with who I am and where I am heading. I know a man will not make ne happy or complete me. That missing piece is fulfilled in my faith and growing stronger in it. More than anything, I want a man with a similar mindset who wants to build a life together. I realize it is impossible to have all of your needs met by your spouse. Im not sure this is relevant but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to share this information with you. Thanks!

[Stephanie W]

I will be very direct if/when we meet up again. I’m not in a rush, definitely on board with going VERY slow as you suggested. It’s amazing how you can read my mind, bc some of the phrases you shared fit my situation perfectly.

In the past, I’ve been direct about desired qualities and intentions (Christian, strong family values, long term relationship/marriage, etc) then barring any obvious red flags I will talk to the man more and if there is a connection consider meeting in person. I’ve been up front about dating with the intention for an exclusive long term relationship. Which is another reason I felt hurt by Nick, I let my guard down and he knew my heart. He knew I wasn’t looking for anything casual. I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault.

[Stephanie W]

Thank you very much Heidi!

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said. You are very wise!

I suppose Im old fashioned when it comes to dating. I’ve met men mostly online, usually have a phone conversation first, and if there is a connection meet for coffee or a meal. I haven’t been on a dating or pursued anything since Nick. We met on Bumble in spring 2021, so it’s been awhile.

[Stephanie W]

Heidi,

Thank you kindly!! I really appreciate your response. Everything you said is absolutely true. You completely nailed it in your assessment! I actually feel better receiving affirmation from you.

Nick is the first man I’ve dated and deeply cared about since my divorce. Dating after marriage, now with kids, and baggage is really really difficult.

Ironically, both of our exes were re-married this summer/fall. Court battles are at a standstill for now, for this reason I think some hope has been restored that things could be different this time. Plus he has responding almost instantaneously to my texts igniting his hero instinct. Honestly, that was a good feeling 🙂

I’m trying to look past my feelings and see the big picture.

If I did meet him for dinner and we start talking more would you recommend I establish clear boundaries or allow him to set the pace/direction…..and if it’s not what I want then I let him know?

Am I crazy to think the circumstances are different now?

Deep down, I know it wasn’t all my fault. I struggle bc what are the chances that all the circumstances in life will be in 100% alignment for both people to commit and move in a serious direction. At some point, one must take a risk or chance on a relationship right? I was ready to take this chance on him, so I felt even more hurt when it wasnt reciprocated despite all of the signs he gave me. At times, he brought up marriage, moving, what type of car/home we would need for 5 kids, etc

Its challenging for me to accept rejection when I didn’t do anything majorly wrong. Internally, I ask myself, why am I not good enough for him to choose me and take that leap of faith with me? I know I have flaws and make plenty of mistakes but I know I am a good woman with a lot to offer. I own my home, have a solid career, and check many boxes in those categories and he told me he loved my strong faith, loyalty, nurturing instincts and prioritizing my kids, honesty, physical touch, etc

Even more so, assuming Nick and I do not work out, how do I approach future relationships? What should I do differently so I do not end up in this situation again?

Anyways, I’m interested to know your feedback. Thanks again!

[Stephanie W]

Can anyone offer some advice or insight?

Since we spoke over the phone this past Friday and he helped solve my problem. I’m thinking about texting him this today or tomorrow…..

Thank you again for helping me the other day. You solved my dilemma and completely put my mind at ease. I really appreciate you.

Is this ok? Too much?

I think I activated his “hero instinct”. I could not believe how fast he responded to me. I still need to learn how to apply “bridging”….

Feedback is welcome!
Thx

[Stephanie W]

Is there anyway I can sign up for private coaching?

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