[Anna]

You’re amazingly strong, Heidi!

There is the side of me that wish to let him go in order not to get hurt again, but the other side of me, I’m looking for answers for reasoning behind his actions as you predicted.
When I will feel that my self-confidence would reach to a level that high enough I will write to him this question, thank you.

You are also very correct about this,
But maybe that is what you need to feel to truly let go and know this guy isn’t right for you
Love made me act in strange way I know it myself, maybe if he will flat out reject me without digging seeds of hope inside my head again, I will move on, all the “picture perfect” will crumble in front my very eyes, reality will hit me.

Thanks for all your help Heidi,
I will keep you updated 🙂
Have a good day 🌸

[Anna]

Since you are exploring confidence, you may resonate with this book: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
She also has non-linear movement classes she does online that can be really powerful for releasing negative thoughts and feelings, pain, heartache etc. Maybe check it out!
I will check this out, thanks!
I will work hard 🙂

know you wish for that. I know you feel like you love him and you want him to be proud of you. This is you seeking HIS approval when you need to be offering that to yourself. You are looking TO HIM to help yourself feel better and fix the pain instead of relying on yourself, loving yourself, protecting yourself and keeping yourself safe from a guy who doesn’t value you. I know getting that embrace from him would feel so much better, but it’s honestly just putting a bandaid on a pretty big wound. This wound you have needs a delicate touch, tender love and care, it needs to be cleaned out and stitched up….all by YOU!!! Not him. That’s not his job. This is how you build self-confidence. THis is how you strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is how you support yourself when those around you don’t have the ability for whatever reason. You got this Anna! You CAN release this love and heal from it. You CAN get through this heartache. You CAN develop your confidence. One day at a time.
I noted everything, you are right I am seeking his approval…
No more, if I want to set standards for myself I need to build my Self-confidence properly,
As I said before, My Ex is my first love, maybe I don’t know what is love, but It does feel like I love him.
I’m known of being stubborn :I

I have another question, Do you think when the 30 days “No contact” will end there is anything I can do to check or confirm without sounding desperate if he still think or care about me,
Can you help me on this one?
I know that he doesn’t deserve this love and care of my side but I can’t help, if I want to let him go completely I need clear answers, not half-assed one he gave me :/

Will you help/guide me to write a proper question or statement message?

Have a good day. 🙂

[Anna]

I wrote this while I was at work, and while I was at the moment to express myself it get out quite confusing.

To be honest, I’m still trying not to put my Ex before me, when I said others I didn’t include my Ex in this category, but maybe I should change this kind of mindset.

You are helping me realize a lot of things,
Also you ask things that make me see other view of how things look like, it’s eye-opening

However, It would be so so much easier if I didn’t fell in love with him like that and move on with my life, so it’s hard to let him go eventhough it doesn’t look nor doesn’t feel right.

These statements ALSO contradict each other. You want to set standards as to how you are treated, yet you are okay if it’s one-sided? What standards are you wanting to create here?
Ho, I didn’t mean that at all,
When I said “it’s ok” it’s one-sided I was referring to my understanding while his is just unknown to me, he became such a difficult person so I’ve got inside the loop of confusion myself, I’m sorry about that.

When I said I want to set standards to myself, I don’t wish to be looked down at.
I’m trying to explore more and more about the world of Self-confidence, I even tried to change my attitude a bit, I’m still very awkward being confident about myself around my friends but they said I changed and the changed is refreshing which made me quite happy it was noticeable.

I’m still hopeless when it come to him tho,
I wish he could see how much I changed since the break up, at first I was very emotional and almost on the depressed side now I’m more happy and positive (at most part) still a lot of work to do with myself, I’m getting there.

I have another question, Do you think when the 30 days “No contact” will end there is anything I can do to check or confirm without sounding desperate if he still think or care about me,
Can you help me on this one?

I promised to myself and to my parents if he just doesn’t want this anymore and wish to move on I will move on as well with all the pain

but still there is the small spark of hope maybe he still..
Yeah, I don’t like to sound desperate when I still sound like I am 🙂
It’s in my nature to think there is a reason behind things that happens.

I’m writing a lot, I know.
I’m not going to apologize again tho 🙂
Thanks for answering so fast as well ^^

[Anna]

Hi, I will make sure to continue the course properly then,
This course will help you with yourself. It’s a way to learn how to be more effective in relationship and how to understand men a little more
It actually makes sense, at first I purchased the course because of my Ex but now it’s for my growth and understanding about how men’s mind work, it’s really interesting.

you believe this to be true, then I wonder what would make you want any of this to work with him?
It’s actually because it’s very unlike him to act like that,I wish to know what is going on with him, I know you said the way he act raise red flags and he doesn’t treat me right, but you see I want to understand him, even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct, I still love him
It doesn’t mean I’m not going to set some standards to myself about how I want to be treated.
I just need guidance, I want this to work between us,
He is my first love eventhough it’s my second time in relationship, the first one I just enjoyed myself, and the guy I went out with was really sweet but I didn’t fell for him, he was really good to me tho but it ended because He was really too good for someone who didn’t love him from the start.
However, My second partner eventhough the distance something just sparked instantly between us, I fell in love with him hardcore and so did he, I found out eventhough we were so different we still had a lot in common, we appreciate difference between us and welcomed each other to each other world.

Good job keeping yourself busy and connected with your friends and exercising! It sounds like you are still making sure you are living your life and moving forward, even without him – even though it’s difficult. Is it helping? How are you feeling about it all now? Sad? Angry? Hurt?
I’m doing my best and I finally doesn’t feel like I need to force myself to feel better or to smile, it happens naturally of course there are time like the night time I feel sad and become a bit emotional but I don’t harbor any anger toward him as much as before, since I meditated I became more positive and started to love the person I am.

It’s helping me be dependant on myself, trying to trust myself more and see the big picture, I come first and then the others.
Which always was the opposite.

[Anna]

You’re right, I had those thoughts as well
All those thoughts ran through my head, from day one that he chose to distant himself from me.

I will take a nice and long break from our shared social media, it really isn’t does any good to me.

So for now no contact, what comes later I will deal with it somehow, either a sudden message, call ,vc or neither of them.
For now I will do my best to be the best version of myself which is the most important right now,
To mediate properly eventhough I purchased few books because of him, about mending relationship, the course in this web, which I still don’t get why 12 words will be helpful to me,
I’m only on module 9 tho.

I hope the course will help me greatly,
Good thing I’m going out more, I’m jogging after work, always keeping myself busy.
And you’re right, his way of not communicating me and being this way is very unkind and childish.

One last question, will this course help me either for myself or with him? Is it suitable to any woman?
I purchased it eventhough I’m still quite skeptical.

[Anna]

P.S Since we broke up my Ex sent a lot of quote that seemed related to me but maybe I’m tripping, things like “I prefer to have to have my nightmare with open eyes. Blinded by vanity yet able to secretly see what lies beyond the shadow and soul”
It’s probably not very healthy to stalk him like that..l which I’m working on it and it’s actually better than the beginning, I was crying every time I was stalking him on social media for some reason.

[Anna]

Hi Heidi, thank you for your time to respond.

From what I heard the argument broke out because I was sometimes especially when I fell sick, acted needy, I was very self-aware about me being this way yet I never held him back to hang our with his friends because I was sick, I don’t get why they thought I was emotionally manipulating him.
Well I have an idea or two, actually his best friend was grilling my Ex against me for quite few months now,
I told my Ex when we were in relationship that his BFF care for his well-being and he shouldn’t argue with him because of me, but then it became really frustrating, at some point he thought my kind of our relationship isn’t good for my Ex mental health, he was pushing his nose way too much and it was becoming overbearing.

And about my apologetic self, I tend to apologize as you said but I’m working on it, yeah I do trying to be a peace maker because I wanted to respect the unknown space he asked of me to give him, from the amount of time I know him or *Think* I know him he seemed like he was dealing with something but wouldn’t share with me, even my friends saw the weird difference in my Ex behavior and even wrote or called me out of concerns about him.

Although I was trying to be understanding and give him space and not communicate with him I wasn’t able to be understanding at all, I wanted to lash out on him and pull him together..
I was constantly talking to our friends about him and to get advice, I was even stalking him on social media, I was venting to my friends and asking about him.

And I wish at least he would talk with me properly , alright if he doesn’t want to continue this cold war Between us at least I wish he would flat out tell me it’s over between us instead of giving me hope, why he had to break up with me such and half-hearted way.

Ho and about the time he got angry, actually I can understand it because he know very well that when I’m sick, I’m not getting a treatment because of my fear of swallowing pills, or getting an appointment with my doctor, In those cases I tended to be indifferent about my conditions and it was worrying him, I agree that he didn’t have to get angry because of that but at those topics I was making him sad, because I promised to take a good care of myself yet I was indifferent for several days about my conditions because I believed they will get better on their own.

Also, I saw that you told me to slow down, I know that I think sometimes I know what is best for me, and I also found out through my friends that my ex behind the scene checked on me and was worried about me, he even called me and said it was an accident.

I know he is probably in some kind of phase, and he is confusing the hell of me. But hearing from my friends that my ex is checking on me through them at first was upsetting me like come on, contact me and enough with the games but then it touched me for some reason that he still cared about me in his very strange way.

I know that I’m silly thinking I found the one for me and maybe he isn’t the one, but I wish to mend my relationship with him, not only because I love him but also because I want to meet him, I want to know him, and I don’t care if the consequences would be that I will see his real face without mask behind the screen and get disappointed
It’s my responsibility and I’m willing to pay the price in case I made mistake even trying things to work between us.

Again, thank you for your time.
It’s really helping when I get help or advice from other source other than my friends that tried to help, but really it’s just not the same.

[Anna]

Hi, thank you for responding
I will add more info about it.
I met my Ex through friends of friends in social media, my good friend from America suggested that I will join her friends and her VC so I did.
At first I was shy and couldn’t talk with people that was showing on the screen, then one of them asked me some question about where I am from and he felt suffocated in the VC with them so suggested to move to Skype, just us.
And so we did, Talked in Skype and get to know each other, we have a lot in common, both of us found out that we are both gamers.
After few days we were adding each other in social media and were chatting day and night, he is from Brazil, 24 years old, I’m 21 years old forgot to mention.
We were together for 8 months almost 9,we never met yet just VC, calls and texting however he brought flying tickets to come to my country ro get to know each other better, because we both know we want to get each other better, we were longing for each other as the days came closer to the date we were waiting so enthusiastically for, the day we would meet each other, face to face.
He planned ro move to live in Israel, not under my pressure actually I told him he is running to fast and I don’t wish him to overwhelm himself, I wanted us to take baby steps, He loved me a lot, that he sacrificed his responsibilities since he is studying in Uni and have a lot other stuff to do, plus he is working.
I always made sure to slow him down and not give too much of himself especially when it come on the account of his responsibilities. He is independent individual, living and taking care of himself.

He showered me with love, we were talking about in depth topics, about our growth, our future together etc.
Everything was great, of course in between we had small arguments, some were bigger but we got ourselves together because we didn’t wish to hurt each other anymore.

But Then September 14th came, few days before that he went to visit his parents and I was telling him to take care and to watch out for drunk drivers in the middle of the night, I was always unintentionally mothering him, I didn’t realize that maybe it was hurting my Ex in the process being this way.

Anyway, during the trip something happened but at first I had no idea what, he seemed really uncomfortable to tell me and brushed it off that bringing up this topic is bringing him in bad mood, So I got the messgae and stopped asking, September 14th-

Oh I forgot to mention, I fell terribly sick for two weeks, due UTI sorry if it’s a TMI.
And I don’t know what I was thinking, since we were so open toward each other I was letting myself feel weak with my Ex that time, He was angry at me for not taking proper care of myself and we fought but I saw his side and remembered he had a trauma that is too personal to share here so forgive me in advance that he went through when he fell terribly sick and made him cry so he hanged up the call, he wanted some space so I gave it to him and apologized.

During the trip days we made up and I was getting better and better, I kept him updated about my great recovery and he shouldn’t worry anymore and have the fun of his life with his friends, he appreciated it and wished me a fast recovery, that he Love me and he had to go back to his friends.

At September 13th, My Ex was acting weird and kind of distant it was the day of the last 2 days of the trip, it’s also the day he didn’t want to tell me why he fought with his friends that actually ruined his trip.
At September 14th, He was more distant and cold toward me, I was trying to ask and understand that was happening, then he asked me a question I wasn’t expecting “I feel that the past few days I’m regressing instead of growing, do you think you can point out how did I grow during our relationship?” It almost seemed desperate question so I answered honestly but unknowingly I was just describing how he grow not as individual, but as how he made me feel and at that time I didn’t know that I made mistake saying that, He wasn’t satisfied with my answer and grown more colder, He told me that he feel he we need a break from each other, I took this not too well, I would lie if I said I did, I was crying, and said few things that I didn’t mean because I was hurting and then I said “what about your promise that if we would ever plan to split up we will talk about it and work things through, he took few min to answer but then said “I’m not asking for a break up, I just need some times to myself.
Then when I was more calm I said alright.

During our break, I was so sad and frustrated of the unknown, I wrote to him twice checking how is he, he said he has been great, feeling better, getting back to gym, he felt that he finally wasn’t regressing but moving forward and getting catching up to his studies as well, I said that it’s great to hear that and then I asked him “How much more time do you need?” He said “I don’t know..” then I brushed it off to take his time and not to stress over it.
During that time, my closest family member, friends grilled me against him and so after 4 more days I was messaging him that I want to know what happened during the trip, and I said I was respecting his space for enough time and I wish to get answers.
And so an argument broke up that I didn’t respect his space at all because I was posting in social media things directed to him, I told him he did the same after we apologized about doing those things.
We finally talked like two adults and were more calm, he told me finally about the trip and argument that broke up about me, since I never saw or talked with his friends they didn’t know my character at all, but 2 vs 2 said I’m manipulative and my Ex of course was on team-Not and protected me.
In the end he said “let’s break up” I would say more but I covered more than enough areas.
He wanted us to remain friends and due my peace making self I said sure, unknowingly to me isn’t going to end well.
Day later we were talking like really good friends and I said to myself “it’s enough” but then late at night he had to go,
After that no contact for a week or so.
In the break up I was meditating, practicing self-acceptace and self-love, I was going out more with friends, my Ex never held me back to go out with friends but I wasn’t feeling like it when we were together, and so he is.
I felt that he was truly drifting away from my life, so I let it be and didn’t chase him.
Ok last things to add, I apologize for too much information.
Yesterday at work, One of both of mine and my Ex texted me, I was getting advices from him for the few last days, but then he lashed out at me and said that I unknowingly continued to hurt my Ex with my Statuses and Bio, I tried to explain myself that it isn’t related to Rapha but then a big misunderstanding grown from it, so I stopped putting statuses and Biography in order order avoid more unpleasant encounters, what got me hard while I was working when he texted me “[My Ex name] wanted to come back to you but seeing your statuses made he make a step back” this got devastated and then at evening I broke the “No Contact” rules and explained myself to him saying that I would never hurt him intentionally and I stopped with my insensitive statuses about him since our broke up, he simply said “hi Anna,I understand” Then I saw an opening opportunity to talk to him Bout everything we had to talk but then he grow colder again “I have nothing to say, but if you have I’m free now, later I won’t be” so I simply said Nevermind.
I’m so sad, I’m trying to mediate and went out yesterday yet I can’t get rid of the feelings I could get back with my Ex.

[Author]

Posts