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“If you want to keep him in your life, which it sounds like you do, then moving out might actually save the relationship.” I think u r 100% right. I think leaving would def save my relationship. I can already c how things would b if I did get my own apartment. He would literally b at my house everyday n he would sleep over every night n he’d barely go home. He lived with his ex gf years ago when I 1st met him. We were friends for 2-3 years b4 we got together n he was miserable n complaining about her all the time. She is almost 40 years old but she is 1 of the most irresponsible people I have ever met. She doesn’t know how to save money or pay bills on time. When they did live together the cable was always off cause she never had her half n he refused to pay the whole thing his self n they never had any food. I have also never met a more selfish person in my life. She’s the type of girl that will get loud n start screaming if she doesn’t get her way or if she needs something from him she will literally call him over n over n over n send text after text after text till he does what she wants. He is a nice kind person n he doesn’t want to deal with any of the BS so he will do or get whatever she wants just to shut her up. I think she uses him, walks all over him n takes advantage of him but of course he doesn’t c it that way. She expects him to jump the min she says jump or all hell breaks loose. If I do move out he is going to expect her to take over my half of the bills n I feel like it would be deja vu all over again n things would b just like they were back then. Since she has been staying in our house the only bill she had to pay was her car insurance n of course she didn’t pay it n drove around with no insurance so the cops impounded her car n now she doesn’t have a car anymore. Living with me with is the total opposite. We pay our bills on time every month like most responsible adults, there’s plenty of food in the fridge to eat n nothing has ever been shut since we have lived together. Some people don’t know what they have till it’s gone n I think it’s gonna take me leaving n getting my own place for him to realize how good I was to him. I am going to get my own apartment. I will start looking for a place. For once I am going to out me 1st n do what I think is best for me. I feel n know in my heart getting my own place is the right thing to do. Even though I know it’s the right thing to do I’m still scared to take that step. I know it’s gonna b 1 of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life but I know I deserve better n I know that I have to b strong n take that step. The holidays r coming up n Christmas is our favorite holiday. I want to spend possibly the our last Christmas together in this house b4 I move out but what do I do? Do I tell him now that I am going to get my own place after the holidays or do I wait n tell him after the holidays n when I have an apartment lined up n ready to move into. Im afraid if I tell him now 1 of 2 things will happen. 1 he will get mad at me n want nothing to do with me n therefore our last Christmas together in this house would b horrible or 2 he will end up convincing me to stay. I have never been in a situation like this b4. He is the 2nd man I have lived with n the 1st man was my kids father n our break up was horrible n I moved out. This is different. I don’t want to leave but I know I have to but I also don’t want us to break up over this either. How do u tell someone u love that u still wanna b in a relationship with them but u can no longer live in the same house as them anymore so ur moving out? How do I tell him that without hurting his feelings, breaking his heart or pushing him away? “If you want to stay with him, that means accepting his choice. I know you don’t like it, but forgiving him for his limitations is important.” “If you become resentful, then you face it and work on forgiving him for his choice.” I already am resentful. I have tried to let it go n forgive him n it will feel like I did until the min something happens n all the resentment come right back. I feel betrayed by him. Sometimes I just look at him n I wanna shake him n wake up cause I don’t get this situation at all. How could u risk losing the best thing that’s ever happened to u for someone that literally does nothing for u at all. How can he be so stupid n naive. I am still so angry at him for putting me in this situation in the 1st place cause I would never ever do something like this to him ever. I have never n would never put anyone b4 our relationship. Maybe I don’t mean as much to him as he means to me but I do know that I am way to old to b living like this n playing these high school games.
I feel that if I do leave n tell him he can come c me at my house that I will resent him n feel like it’s his fault that we no longer live together anymore n that I had to get my own place.
Some days I think that the best thing for me to do is to get my own place n other days I’m like no. What was I thinking? I was worrying about nothing n overreacting. We have a good relationship. Y do I go back n forth so much? We have been together for 11 1/2 years n we have lived together for almost 9 years. We have had more good times then bad. We have talked about the future and everything. B4 he brought his ex gf here I thought we would b together forever. I still do believe that. How do I know if leaving is the right thing to do? It’s not about money or anything like that cause I have a good job and I can afford to get an apartment by myself. I have even looked up apartments in my area online to c how much they r right now. I haven’t put any applications in or anything yet. I’m afraid to take that step. I don’t want to make a decision in the heat of the moment n end up regretting it later on down the line so how do I know what the right thing to do is? If u have seen where we both were when we met each other and where we r right now today we def have brought out the best in each other. I can’t imagine my life without him in it n I know u have heard that a million times n everyone says they can’t imagine there life without him until he’s gone n then u realize it was the best thing that could’ve happened to u. For the last 9 years I have woken up every day with this man by my side. I am 39 years old. I have been in some good relationships n some bad 1s. I am def not an expert on relationships by any means cause if I was I would b married n not going through this right now so what would u do if u were in my situation n how do I know I am making the right decision? I know I deserve better than this but is leaving the only way. It’s easy to talk about leaving but idk if I am strong enough to get my own place, pack all my stuff up here n move out n leave him in the rearview mirror. Some people don’t know what they have till it’s gone so maybe I need to leave for him to realize what he had with me. I just know that if I did leave n get my own place n say things worked out between us in the future n he gets rid of the ex gf baggage, idk if I would ever b able to move back in this house again once I left. It makes me sad cause I love this home that we have built together. My home is my sanctuary. I look forward to going home to my house every night or I used to until he brought his ex gf here now I feel like this house is ruined n it will never b the same even if she left.
I have tried to talk to my bf about my feelings a couple times. I’ve brought it up in a fun, joking, playful way n I have also tried to talk to him serious. I feel alot of resentment towards him because of this whole situation so I either laugh n joke things off or blame n accuse. By blaming n accusing I mean saying stuff like u do this n this for her n uve never done any of those things for me. I have told him that I don’t feel like I am a priority in his life n I’m not as important to him as she is. His response was Wow I’m sorry u feel that way. My bf feels this sense of responsibility for his ex gf that I don’t get or understand. He is definitely her new caretaker n I know he has no problem playing this role. They have almost like a father/daughter relationship in a way. He tells her no ur not doing that n she listens. She calls n texts him all day long with dumb stupid questions that she knows the answer to already n she is so dramatic. He told me that she has helped him n been there for him many times before n that he considers her family. I understand the being family part but what I don’t get is the loyalty he has for this girl. I think she takes advantage of him, walks all over him n uses him but he doesn’t see it that way. She just takes n takes n takes n never gives back anything in return. My bf is a great guy. He really is. He’s nice, loyal, kind, generous etc. I think he has major abandonment issues. He was a mamas boy n his mom left him, his bro n sisters with there grandma when they were real young n didn’t come back till he was a teenager. I think that’s why he has a hard time letting people go. That’s just my opinion n he knows she has no one else. I believe u r 100% right when u said that he is so used to me being independent n taking care of myself that he doesn’t view me as needing help. Unfortunately I am that way because of what my ex bf did to me. I vowed never to b dependent on a man ever again n for the most part I haven’t been. I will ask him to help me out once in awhile with little things but for the most part if I can do it myself then I will n I won’t rely on him or ask him for help. How do I let my guard down n depend on him a little more without being needy and pushing him away or making him resent me? Lately we haven’t really done anything to connect with each other. We have a good, fun relationship so we do alot of joking around and laughing. Our sex life is kinda none existent these days n I know it’s my fault. A couple times when we’ve had sex Ive seen my bf looking over his shoulder to make sure noones coming n little things like that. It makes me feel like I’m a kid that’s sneaking around trying not to get caught by my parents. I’ve told him that his ex gf is almost 40 years old so she knows we have sex. I don’t know if he is trying to be respectful or if he is trying to hide the fact that we have sex from her but it makes me not wanna do it. He does try alot but most of the time when he does try to have sex or play around I am not interested. I know that is wrong to say cause I love the man to death and I would do anything for him. I feel like I am in a relationship with a man that has 2 gfs. I’m the main gf that he sleeps with n eats dinner with n goes everywhere with. Then u got the other gf who constantly needs him n calls him all the time n gives him alot of attention. He gets from his ex gf what he doesn’t get from me. I have mentioned multiple times that she is not living with us forever n that we need to set a date that she needs to leave by n he kinda brushes it off like yea yea we will see. He feels so responsible for this girl that I am afraid if I gave him an ultimatum n said 1 of us has to go that he would say if ur not happy then u don’t have to be here n u can leave anytime. I have never given him an ultimatum but he has said that exact thing to me before. I trust him n I know that he loves me n wants to be with me. I don’t think he even looks at her as someone he wants to be in a relationship with but I think he also has no problem being her caretaker for the rest of his life. I do though. Do I take the chance n get my own apartment so he can take care of his ex gf n come visit me at my place or do I stay n hope that 1 day she will finally leave. I don’t want to let her chase me out of my home cause I think that’s what she has been hoping would happen but I know that I also deserve better than this. What should I do? Am I wasting my time and my life in this relationship?
