[Sarah]

Hey Spyce,

Thanks for your advice. Yes, you got it right. I’ve been trying to be as honest as possible all along, but somehow I haven’t always been able to express my needs. I somehow didn’t feel safe or was afraid of being rejected.

After your message, my grandparents got in touch and complained that I hadn’t introduced him properly. So, since we couldn’t manage to meet up, I wrote him the following:
“I love your goofiness so much so and the fact that you can be serious & protective in one minute and so funny the other…and I am more than sad that you don’t like this version of yourself when you are with me. My grandparents called today & you were absolutely right, they were a little angry with me for not introducing you properly….
But the truth is… I don’t know how… I don’t know what to tell them. These last weeks, you, this situation… have left me more than a little confused.. I wanted to tell you this & today it couldn’t wait…”
To which he replied:
“Hey thanks for your thoughts, I still think I’m being myself, it’s not like I completely shut that part off, but I tone it down alot and that’s completely fine. Yeah it’s not easy, but tell them we like each other but it’s not serious at the moment. It’s not that confusing, I’m not looking or ready for a relationship right now 🙂

I’m a bit sick
Also I need some time for myself. Sorry for not being responsive or hanging out. I’m going to need a bit of space, not too much but a bit.
How’s your work going? Would you still have capacities to help me a bit the next weeks?”

Me: “Ja I think I need some space too and think some things through. And yes I hope I will have the capacities to help you”

And then a week later (two days ago) he wrote me again that he had now started research and asked how I’ve been, to which I replied: “Hey I’m sorry I haven’t answered yet. I will, I just need time. Right now I feel hurt and don’t have time to process. Hope you’re good and making progress with your research.”

It all sounds so unfair on my part and I have no idea how to act or what to …. I don’t know. We like each other very much. But there are so many things unspoken and obviously we are at different points and I have no interest in persuading him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Right now my mind is racing back and forth about what I should do. Do I walk away? Is there any chance to turn this in a direction where we don’t have to break contact? I feel so stupid and hurt for getting involved even though I should have kept my distance … this thing between us is serious to me..
Right now the things I feel like I have to do and the things I wish for are two completely different things…

I just made more mess and I just don’t know how to get out of it….

I’m sorry for being so confusing,
love Sarah

[Author]

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