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Hi Heidi,
Thanks for the follow up. I know I think like a guy wanting solutions but still feel like a gal in relationships. It’s just that the books mentioned stories of the guy wanting to end his relationship to wanting to commit for a lifetime so I believed if we try hard enough, we’d figure something out. After all, I only want to TRY having a relationship with him, not marriage etc. Am I perhaps the one giving mix signals as I guess that I am? I am naturally friendly to all my male friends incl. him in an effort to be fair & it seems some of them misunderstood from their reactions which got me quite upset (as they ghost or go cold for no reason).
I have been growing on my own so I felt there is no need to address that here. So we have figured out he is either socially awkward or emotionally wounded & immature, which I am ok with once it’s figured out (I hope correctly). It seems he is like that with just me & only sometimes, as he does have other female friends. I got worried when I spot an inconsistency in his nature (feeling like he’s pulling away or giving a face I can’t understand) so I was scrambling for solutions. I realize it’s just his style after all to have cyclical natures (I thought he was pulling away at the start too & hopefully I’m correct about this).
I know, my own wound / issue / trauma will play into things sometimes but no one is perfect or without issues. I just thought if we could try a relationship, then we could see how well we handled our worst as there will be no need to keep the distance that opposing gendered friends would. I don’t see why we can’t grow together. I cannot self-actualize until I meet my 3rd Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (I’ve tried) & unfortunately not anyone can do (I’ve tried). Career or dreams are just too empty without someone there & I’m sure just as friends cannot replace parents, career cannot replace lovers (at least for me).
Thank you Christina & Heidi for responding, it helps a lot to just know that someone is still there for me.
I want a way forward before he lose interest or has fixed his mind on not wanting a relationship with me. I want to try all means possible before accepting to be just friends. I’m willing to invest. Please advice what I could do – any method from the ebooks or that you know of. Thanks?
Apart from the faces, I don’t find anything else that would imply that he is neurodivergent except for his miscalculations & one time confusing similar sounding words. Perhaps, he is a tsundere (just a guess). It seems for every interest signals he give, I could also find a disinterest signal. Maybe I myself have given him mix signals? I was afraid that he would run away when I show any interest back again after the rejection. So I was playing it cool & he seems to be doing the same.
I really do like him a lot actually and what gets me crazy is trying to figure out his mix reactions & to be stuck in a limbo of should I or not. Also, I feel if he does like me & we stay as friends, it would be such a MISS opportunity & I’m afraid he’d lose feelings & never get it back. I don’t want any regrets in life, at least I know I’ve tried everything possible or give my best shot at the possibility of being together…
Update: Last Sat, I invited few friends & B to a food fair. He did not give a confirmative answer. I tried to confirm him on Sun & there was no reply to which I said, please let me know if you’re not coming, it’s fine. B actually was checking with his friend L (a guy) if L is coming (he knew L is) then told me he didn’t see the message but he’s coming now. He called L when he arrived & there was only me, B & L. L had told me B saying he likes to sleep is nonsense talk. B did not give the face this time but was ignoring me & talking to L. He was really normal this time (when I said normal, means he reacted like a friend would, not a crush). Both of them were pretty observant that night, B even counted how long it took me to finish a potato ball. I was like WTH. It felt I was tagging along behind them both.
L wanted to stay for the fireworks which B then replied he was bored & wanted to go home (B was never bored, he can stare away & tolerate silence). I felt he was trying to avoid watching it with me. L seems to give in & said ok, let’s go then. L then left in the opposite direction. Both me & B knew B was going to walk me to my car without us mentioning anything. B walked next to me calmly & we had to cross a small park. There was a guy playing some romance song, only few people walk past us (all couples) & straight up ahead someone selling couple balloons. B kept staring at the balloons & a couple then said wow. All I could think was “We are just friends” repeatedly in my head. We both then ask each other if the other wants balloons which we replied no. (facepalm, I should have jokingly said yes)
We then approach a road & B suddenly said “car” to which he puts his arms around me for a few seconds to push me to safety. All I could see is that the car was still far away. I then pull his shoulder as he attempts to cross the road with a bike dangerously closing in in front. What was he thinking. He then walk round the drain saying it’s too big for me to cross, snaps another picture of the full moon, then left me abruptly as soon as he saw my car (as he was afraid I gave him a ride to his car as I’ve said). It seems he was avoiding me the whole night when he could.
I wonder if I blew it with him that night, he did it again, the reason I fell for him was his kind & caring actions. We were both literally playing friends. He is not with the girl that I was upset about. Was he using the girl to push me away or get me jealous? I just wish I knew how to proceed to get him to try out a relationship with me. I just don’t feel confident if anything more would come out of staying friends…
Dear coach Spyce,
Thank you for responding. I am 29 and he is 27 but we are both the oldest sibling. It doesn’t matter what our ages are as I’ve met older people that are immature and younger people that are more mature. I’ve had just 1 relationship that lasted 4+ years. I was attracted to him as when we first knew each other, we were in the same friend group. What endeared me to him was when our group went out to shop for another friend’s bday party. He automatically carried the heavy cartons of drinks for me even though he was struggling with it, all the way from the ground floor to the 4th. He was kind, calm, introverted, funny, cute & I admired his profession. Early in, I invited him to come for events & gatherings & he immediately agreed to come even though he was busy. The first time I asked him out (after it seems he had a hard time asking me out, first “angry” face at sports) he paid for the food, even carried it over from the counter, exclaims he was sick (probably just tired) then headed to the toilet 3 times in 1.5 hours. But he could still joke, maybe I failed my first impression, idk (he seems annoyed after I keep nagging in concern of him being sick).
I didn’t think much of him until my friend A asked me if he was cute and I get advises that he is a good person to consider. I regretted listening to them all instead of myself (that it was going too fast & the signs were not convincing enough). A initially said he was her childhood friend & that it is his nature to be kind. Now after the blunder advise, she said she doesn’t actually know him well. Maturity is the exception not the norm here (or heck, anywhere). It was hard just only able to rely on myself always but beggars cannot be choosers, what choice do I have in either friendship / relationship?
By the time I realized, I was already head over heels for him. When I “loved” someone, it doesn’t matter if they are “not enough” in terms of societal expectations or made mistakes, I don’t love halfway. My guess on the “angry” look I called it is that he probably is shy / lacks confidence when “more than friends” feelings are involved. Or else, please enlighten me as idk what else it could be?
Ok, so he doesn’t want to date, after my confession, why does he still respond & even took some initiatives? (ie: during sports, coming over to talk when I didn’t, even try to wave people off when they asked him to play as we were conversing halfway, still responds to my texts & try continuing the conversation even though I ended it with “ok”, volunteered his travelling pics in the conversation even though I didn’t ask for it, telling me they do play on Wed as well)Update: On Sun, remember I mention I was texting him, I actually asked if there was sports on Sun, he said “No, I’m working”. Which I replied so there was no sports then which he then say he meant he was not going. He knew I’d normally go & watch. Topic then went to him not wanting to advance his career & that he liked sleeping. I said I was like that & that you’d only like sleeping if you’re depressed / don’t know what to do with life. Which he stopped responding after & I saw our friend S do that weird thing on insta (changing S’s username to the girl that went out with me & B at the park, S did not add the girl, he only met her at the boardgame, once). I was really upset at this childish behavior, my guess was B asked S to do this. B seeing that I had not given any response after Sun, texted yesterday again (Tue) to the Sun texts follow up saying “I like sleeping” to which I responded with “as long as you’re ok” & I joked that people do competitive sleeping. He then said “haha” & that’s it.
My guess was he was just trying to see my response. Look, like I said, I can’t turn off my feelings for him just because he turned it down but I’d appreciate to maintain the friendship. I can’t ask him to hangout or talk to him anymore, I can’t even just be friends? If he wants to date the girl, go ahead, tell me, don’t introduce her as a friend! Don’t make the girl assume we had something going on between us then pulls the “angry” face & walk off in front! Don’t try to sit next to me instead of her during boardgames, leaning in then complimenting A in front of me! I am human, I do feel jealous but I don’t see it as her fault. I’m not even sure if his mom has anything to do with him being like this, he seems to defy her that day & went off with me & the girl, leaving the dog with mom. He seems to be struggling with his life direction & this effects the situation.
My issue now is, I just feel so disturbed by what S did & B’s initial “angry” face. What’s the big deal if we dated & things doesn’t work out? Must dating be 100% sure of each other / perfection? Why are they so afraid of marrying the wrong person, no one is right, we work on relationships! Must we stay out of each other’s hairs & not friends if he rejected me? What I want is that if we could date or if not, we have good relations as friends until I could move on emotionally. My view in life is that we never know how long we will live, if I could spend time with people I liked, having good memories, then isn’t it enough?
So the e-books, hero instinct, etc, none of the methods could work? That’s also the reason why I posted, as honestly, it would break me if he treats me coldly. Either we date well or we be friends well. Correct me also if my assumptions about the situation is wrong? What else do you see going on?
