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Hi Heidi,
I have been very pensive this weekend. I have been wondering if it’s okay for me to invite him out to dinner and have a conversation with him in regards to how I feel? I don’t want time to pass by and for it to be too late. Because I didn’t speak about how I felt? Like I said, I have been thinking about this all weekend long.
Is it really a bad thing to talk and ask for another opportunity when he doesn’t feel the same way as in the beginning? He said he felt beautiful things in the beginning but now it’s an empty cold feeling and he doesn’t know why (this is what he told me the day things broke off). I am 50/50 on this because I feel like it’s a hit or miss. A hit because what if he accepts to give us a second chance? A miss because what if I am only pushing him more away or something like that? I have been doing the best I can with reading the rewrite book and I know timing is of essence but I just don’t want it to be too late.
Hi Heidi,
This is so good! Yes please send me your coach’s email. I think I really need to work in that part of my life.
Well I must admit that it’s indeed a relief to know that people with tons of healthy self love and confidence go through this issue as well and that I am not alone.
It’s so hard though, but I think you have a point and I will follow through with it. There’s nothing more painful then to confront your own self with exactly how you’re feeling at the moment. But I’m sure is also a relief. I’m not going to lie it’s better said than done. But hopefully it will help me in my down times. Because it really isn’t easy to deal with your love life plus everything that comes with life. Im going to get me a journal and begin writing to myself, is that correct? It’s to myself I’m writing to right?? Is it okay to express all the negative as well? (Vent)
I always been a scared person. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of everything! Fear runs BIG in my life. I’m scared oh heights, I’m scared of lizards, I get scared easily, I get scared to get my heart broken, I get scared to speak in front of people.Let’s not even mention job interviews! Like I am so tired of fear running my life. I was even scared to make that confession I gave him this week! How does someone get fear by the horns and tell it they don’t run your life? I think I’ve lost so many opportunities in life because of it.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you! I mean I am really trying my best over here. And yes 4 hours! And it was non stop talking from both sides so it’s a good sign I guess! But I’m gonna have to be honest here, I’m a little down today, I guess because he didn’t reply to the text and I think I find myself fighting my negative emotions with the positive ones but it’s a little hard. The negative thoughts wants to kick in and I’m trying very hard from happening but right now I am very emotional because I am 3 days late (PMS) and my mind is everywhere right now! And all these days I have been doing so great! So I’m hanging in there I keep telling myself to stop speculating and get it together. I can’t read right now because my mind isn’t focused. That’s how I am feeling right now, a little choked up. And sometimes I need to accept how I’m feeling because I don’t want to shove them behind my brain. The “what if” is really getting to me!
And I’m not sure why I think like that when someone compliments me I think I feel self conscious or something. I don’t even know but! I really like how you put that into perspective! It makes complete sense, I am going to start doing that because yes confidence is key!
You know it just came to mind and I completely forgot to share with you what happened this Past weekend. On Saturday he called me out of the blue and when I answered (I was shocked by the way wasn’t expecting a call from him at all) he said hi like a normal human being and I said my hellos back and then he said I just saw a “for rent” sign and I took down the information and I will sent it to you through text you can send them an email and find out how much they are renting there for. I said oh wow! That’s awesome! As soon as you send it I will email them. And then he said ok I will call you back right now I have to call my sister I want to know what they said and I said ok we hung up. I wasn’t thinking he was going to call me back, I thought he just said that just to not make our good bye awkward or something. But in less than 5 minutes he called me back again, deep down inside of me I couldn’t believe it and i was excited and happy and all that. Obviously I acted normal we spent on the phone like I would say almost 4 hours. And there was plenty of things we spoke about. We started talking about cars and the way people that work there make their profits, see, I’m not into those things and I learned a lot to the point I felt those people took advantage of me when I first bought my car last year. And I told him “that’s what I love about you, you know your stuff, you’re smart!” We started talking about how I took my car for maintenance last Monday and how they charged me so much for it. And he offered himself to help me. He said stop taking your car to the dealer and let me do it. Unless it’s the motor or transmission that’s out my hands because you need a professional for that, I can do everything else and you can save so much money. And that instantly brought me to think about “his hero instinct” I was BLOWN away because it is in fact true! And I told him thank you that I will be doing just that next time! Later on in the conversation he asked me if he can take my son to a soccer game that’s happening on the 23rd of sempt. He told me to ask my son and so I did and my son said yes. I those two things just got to me, because he’s genuine like that and that what I love about him! Now, I don’t know if that is a good thing that he’s offering or not. I mean I’m sure it means something I just don’t know what. But I tell you I felt like the good old times together once again. And then Monday morning he shoot me a very random out of the blue text saying “the sky fell” and I know he said that because the sky was literally falling because it was raining cats and dogs outside lol. I didn’t text him instantly I waited till I got to work and replied, “oh for sure it did, things looks crazy outside”. Yesterday the sky fell again and I texted him saying that and he responded “here too” and I didn’t see it until later on at night almost, but when I saw it it just so happened to be that I was home and I decided to eat watermelon. But when I saw it it reminded me of him because he gave me to try watermelon with salt for the first time ever!at first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not but I did it and it was pretty good! So I chopped it up and added some salt in it and I took a picture of it and I sent it to him saying “I saw this watermelon and it reminded me of when you gave me to try watermelon with salt for the first time, I know this is random but I will be having it that same way tonight because I loved how it tasted. Have a great evening, I can imagine you’re tired”. He only saw the message. So hopefully I didn’t ruin it and hopefully I sent a good signal to his brain. LOL! I crack up because I’m trying my best here and I feel I’m only making it worst probably he’s probably thinking I’m weird or something. But either way that has been the connection lately. And I will be seeing him tonight at practice, so any tips you can give me so things go smooth or something? I’m not texting him again lol!
I mean I feel okay with the way it happened I feel this peace with just knowing I was confident enough and strong enough to even confess to him, this is something that’s out of my comfort zone and I am content with myself that I Atleast was able to express it and he now knows. So I am good with that because he simply knows how I feel.
I do receive compliments, and thinking about it I think I receive them more than I think. I don’t really express myself at all actually, I feel like if I do people will think “she thinks she’s all that” so I just simply say “thank you” and smile but that’s as far as I get. I don’t really give out compliments very rare when I do. And when I do they’re simple like oh nice purse! or hey that’s cute! But I don’t get into details like you do.
But this is definitely I will begin to start changing around! Because I’m beginning to put it together and I really have no potential or atleast I didn’t see any. But I now see the importance of it and specially in a relationship, it goes beyond and my mind feels like it’s about to enter this new world of new challenges and I know as long as I remain confident I can do it!
I told him what you suggested, he did say in the mist of my confession that people shouldn’t have to get overwhelmed in situations like a break up. And to be honest I think I waited like 10 secs before I kept the conversation moving forward because i didn’t want to make it awkward. Should I have waited more? Do you think I should touch base on that again? Or did I mess up in not giving him space for him to respond. Ugh I just didn’t want it to get awkward and weird.
And well I’m just not use to saying compliments maybe just the usual like oh like you hair or nice outfit! Just plain and simple. But the way the book gives examples is like my goodness how I’m I even going to think about giving a compliment in such way, like this feels like a whole new language to me. But then I think about it and I want to be able to give compliments openly I don’t see it too shabby.
Hi Heidi,
I hope all is well with you!
That sounds great I will definitely use that suggestion!
So, I went ahead and made my confession to him. I was confident and remained calm, I did not hold my breath and waiting for him to say something in return. (I wasn’t expecting him to though) I transition into a whole new conversation with out feeling awkward or making him feel awkward. So I think it was just pretty good!
Now, I am in step 3 but I am a bit confused. It’s about compliments, and says I should start with indirect compliments however, I’m I suppose to stay in this step for a while? Or do I just simply need to grasp the idea of it and continue to the rest of the other steps? Any suggestions on that? Is there another article or something that I can learn about compliments if I do need to stay on step 3?
I think I will leave it because it completes it all. The transitioning, sounds good! I actually had something like that in mind. I just wasn’t sure if it was ok to jumó to a whole different thing, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I have a couple of funny videos saved on my phone that I bumped into in the last few days! I’m sure that the conversation will turn out to be just fine!
So, I have another small issue that I lied to him and wasn’t honest with him. And maybe this is something I could wait a little later to tell him or what not. Somewhat in the beginning of this year I told him that I didn’t like flowers. And he had asked me why and I told him because “they die fast and I don’t think I’m good with flowers anyway” but a month or two later he told him I killed him when I told him that. And obviously, I felt horrible about it. To be honest I have never had a man buy me flowers, I have always bought them on my own because I always told myself I don’t need a man giving me flowers when I can provide them for myself. We had touch the subject about it about maybe a month or so because I was driving and I saw some beautiful sunflowers and I just do happen to be that I was on the phone with him and I thought out loud and said omg look a those sunflowers you should see them they’re so big and pretty they almost look fake! But they were natural. And he said I thought you don’t like them and I said I mean I’m not against them either and he told me since the time you told me you didn’t like them I told myself to never give you any flowers, ever. Because I’m not going to give you something you don’t like. And I couldn’t comment anything after that but I did remember feeling bad because I ruined his thought about me and not liking flowers. But I would like to change that around and allow him to get me flowers. I’m sure it’s a beautiful feeling/gesture but I don’t know that feeling. And thinking about it makes me feel a little awkward (and I don’t even know why) but that’s something else I would like to change within myself. Because he told me he loves to give out flowers and I want to bring that side of him. But I also do want to sound like “oh hey start buying me flowers I like them now” because that’s going to sound fake or something.. I want it to sound as truthful as possible to change his mental movie previews about the whole flowers concept. And not have him say “well no I’m never or don’t expect me to ever get you any flowers because you said you don’t like them so that will stay as that”. Or anything along those lines. I just want to change everything for the good. And get use to a man treating me the way I deserve to be treated.!
What advise do you have on that?
Hi Heidi,
First, thank you for the encouragement! I’m really trying very hard even though I’m not gonna lie my feelings/emotions try to be at war with me! But I stay focused on the positive. Because good always wins! And second, Wow! That was so good! Thank you for your knowledge! I have yet to learn how to come up with thinking and wording things like you! I don’t think I could’ve come up the way you did! I really have to work on how to process my wordings so they can sound much better, like yours!
Now, I just have a question, the part where you mentioned “I understand if you would rather not take a chance with me again” would that be giving him an ultimatum? I believe I read something about that, somewhere in my whole bunch of reading I have been doing. And I remember reading about not giving him an ultimatum.. so I just want to be clear on how or what is he goin to be understanding from that portion when I tell him that?
Also, to keep the conversation moving forward how do I change the subject or talk about a common interest? How do I make that switch after he hears my part and I hear his (if he does say something)?
Hi, thank you for your response!
I want to tell him that I didn’t love him the way that I was suppose to. Because of my way of thinking. That he only saw the worst maybe not the worst but the not so good part of me. That I regret not showing him the best version of me! I’m over here just letting something good, a new opportunity just slip right through my fingers.
That’s what I want to tell him..
And I can see why anyone would pull away and lose interest in someone if you’re giving it your all but you’re not getting absolutely anything in return except for negativity things. and now, Especially after spending a week on reading about this programs and the articles, it has been such an eye opener and a slap in the face all at once. And I truly now know I can do waaaaaay better than ever now! I thought I “knew” before but now.. now I know!! And I’m a firm believer of “actions speaking louder than words” so I know i will be putting in the work!
I could’ve given up, but I decided to pull myself together (because if I don’t do it who else is going to do it for me?!) So if he put in the work in the beginning to get to me (and if you were to ask ANY of my closest friends they will tell you it’s true! – I haven’t led no one in such a loooong time into my heart) I know I can put in the work back! Because never did I think I would fall for him, but there is just something special about him that says he’s different and he’s not here for games. I chose to put joy in my heart everyday, and I know I can’t rush into it so i just read and read and read more so it can begin sticking in my head and I get more motivated each time I either reread or, read a new article! I even have as wallpaper in my phone a few words from James “how wild I be thinking, acting and feeling right now if i was really enjoying the challenge of winning my ex back?”
Now, I have been playing “mental trailers” in my head (lol I find it funny because we all have that!) when Monday comes around and I make my confession, I’m not sure if he will say anything in regards to it (honestly I don’t expect him to express any guilt of his own but if it happens then it happens. Now, whatever he says I have to take it as he is saying “ I want to put this behind us so we can connect again” then just keep the conversation moving forward to change the subject. But this is where I am a little stuck because I am trying to find a smooth natural way to just keep the conversation going. Maybe you have any ideas that could be helpful for me! I really do not want to make it awkward or anything like that!
Hi,
I understand what you mean in your message. I want to be with this man I have processed this. And the more I think about it the more I feel like my gut is telling me to go for it. So I was reading the rewrite method book. And since I had to se him on Monday and Tuesday due to practice I followed part point one of part one, both Monday and Tuesday. I was happy as I could be and it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. We spoke normal, we laughed, he showed me a funny video and he told me what he did on the weekend without me asking and also asked me if a saw a movie that just came out. I was able to break the ice to communicate again and nobody was on edge. Today, I was planning on doing point 2 of part one which is to confess regarding something I could have done better. But he didn’t bring his son to practice again. (We won’t have practice again until Monday) my question is the book says followed by at least two days but now it’s going to be more than that because he didn’t show to practice. How should I approach this? Should I wait until Monday or should I call him or text him during the weekend? (I would much rather make my confession in person than over the phone)
I also forgot to mention that when we went on our road trip last weekend I was ready to tell him I wanted to make it official between us. But I didn’t because of the way he was acting so backed up. But on Thursday when we spoke told him that. So he knows I want an official relationship with him. (you can reply in the other message but I just wanted to let you know about this)
Hi Sypce, thank you for the warm welcome!
So, going back to the beginning and your question about if you wonder if it was in fact that he was being persistent and I gave in. Well, I felt that a man dedicating his time to buy my son gifts without me asking and always trying to get my attention was something that was new to me and to be honest I never really experienced that. Why? Because with my ex I was basically the provider of everything, literally everything. It’s like instead of me having two kids I had 3 instead because my ex well didn’t put any effort. And you’re probably asking so why did you stay with him? And I could say that I thought it was because I was “blindly in love with him” (I met him when I was a teenager) or I just became a-costumed to that life style and just settled for less. When obviously I deserved much more than that. So this man (which by the way I forgot to mention he is 38 years old) started doing these things and it feels as if he caught me off guard because in my mentality never did I think that a man would actually go and buy things for you or your kids. Like it was very hard for me to accept that. So I shared it with my girlfriends and they know my situation with my ex and they began talking to me telling me that I should open up because I might never know if I am missing out on a better opportunity and time is only passing by and we are getting older and that I deserve a man who will indeed treat me right. And I told them I wasn’t so sure because one he is much older than I am and two I really don’t want to get hurt. It took me such a long time to get to where I am mentally and emotionally that just to think that giving someone else was just to revive everything all over again. I just want to find someone whom I can fall in love with and have something stable to the point that I can grow old and wrinkly with that one person. I really don’t want to be in different relationships because this modern generation nobody is looking for anything stabled. I don’t have time for games. I am entering my 30s soon and I want a real relationship. And not be a hopeless romantic. So they told me that I needed to give myself an opportunity because he seems to be very nice and into to you. So, I stayed with that in mind and I began talking with myself and said you know maybe if I do give myself the chance to allow someone new into my life outside of the circle of people that I have already known for years could work out. So days passed by and several weeks as well that I kept on asking myself well Joselin is this what you really want? Are you ready to experience something new? Give yourself a brand new start? What if this is him, the one you have been waiting for but you don’t want to give him a chance? Until, I finally said okay let me open my door and see what’s in store. And that’s when I little by little very slowly emotionally and mentally I started changing my way of thinking. But my trust and insecurities still remained firm.
So, at practice we would sit together and just talk about life and he would tell me about some experiences in his life and I would share back some of mine. We spent hours on the phone talking about what we wanted in a relationship and all that. So, I started analyzing that this man isn’t here for games and that in fact he wants a real relationship. I expressed to him my thoughts on “men” and that’s when he told me well, not all men are the same. Just because you had a previous relationship and it didn’t work out it doesn’t mean that the next relationship is not going to work out either. He would tell me all these things without him knowing my past relationship because that’s something I do not really share with just anyone. At all. I think it was around the beginning of May when I decided to actually tell him about my past relationship because I wanted him to understand me just a little bit more where I am coming from and why it was difficult for me to just jump into a relationship. About why I have all these trust issues and I’m afraid of getting hurt. So in my mind, I told myself maybe once I let him know where I come from he will be patient with me and go at my pace. But it didn’t turn out to be that way. Because at the end of the month was when we had the talk as to where we stood in the relationship at that point. And honestly I felt that he was rushing me, but he told me Joselin I’m only getting older and I need someone that can help me move towards the future. Someone I can talk to about the future like a house moving in together and all that. That’s when I told him I’m just scared and I would love to move at his pace but I just can’t and need more time. But after that conversation I spent the rest of the week thinking about it. And I was like wow, this man is really about it. He wants to settle. This is what I said I wanted. And that got me to like him more. And it attracted me to that. That he was looking into the future without me even bringing it up. So that’s when I felt that I could see a future with him. And getting to know him each time more and more I could see his maturity and not just another guy that just talks about it instead of being about it. I told myself this is it. It’s him. And the way he treated me I have never been treated like before, that of us going out on a date and him paying for everything? Never! I had to pay either for myself or both of us. But him, he took care of it all, and that just blew my mind. That I even told myself wow they actually exist.
And yes, I can agree with you on what he wants and is looking for. And it’s funny you mention that he doesn’t want drama or fighting because that’s what my past relationship was all about and it was constant too. And now that I’m thinking about it. There were a few times that I get the urge to give him drama and fights sometimes I held it in and played it cool but sometimes I would throw it out there. And I did tell him once that that’s the language I knew of. I dont know how to have an actual conversation without throwing in drama or a fight. But that with him it’s so different, he would actually talk about it and with no drama or fights. And I didn’t tell him but I was like wow, this is so on another level of what it is to have an actual real relationship you talk about it. Not become cats and dogs.
I must say that when he told me he lost interest and that the sparks and fire he was feeling in the beginning aren’t there and he feels empty inside, that sunk my heart because even though it took me sometime for me to actually be ready to open myself to him and give him an opportunity (which is something I never saw myself doing at all) and how I started building feelings and picture a future with him it was crushing. I didn’t expect that at all. And I wasn’t even upset at him I became upset with myself because I’m letting something great slip right through my fingers. And I am sad because it took so much from me on the inside to like him and not just like him but to really really like, that I gave myself that one opportunity to let him in and as time passed I’m into him. And I love how our chemistry was. Something I have never ever felt before.
