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I’m curious to know why none of the advice you give comes from the book and how to implement it in relationships? I’ve read it over twice and I can see how it could work in a relationship setting when 2 people are still together.
The 12 word text that Rachel used is after her boyfriend broke up with her… I’ve thought about using the 12 word text to get some advice from him and tap into his hero instinct, but not once have you recommended it. Instead you’ve recommended causal conversation. Twice. Why?
I have the book as a benchmark but not making use of it?
I understand everyone’s situation is not the same. But would it not rather be better to use the 12 word text to break the ice and get us talking, and redirect the focus from our failed relationship to him just giving advice. Instead of just reaching out casually that may just seem like a continuation of my incessant texting (remember I said I literally begged him to give us another chance. Now I just feel embarrassed and pathetic about doing that).
Its been 7 days since my last embarrassing text I sent him. What do I do if he ignores my 12 word text?
To be honest I don’t know where his head is at. Does he miss me, does he think about me. Does he also secretly miss me. OR is he out there living hid best life not giving me a secind thought.
In my begging him to give us another chance… when I said I don’t want to lose him, he responded saying I don’t have to… We can still talk ( something like that. I can’t remember his words verbatim).
But now I’m scared to reach out.
I don’t want to get the cold shoulder or have him ignore my 12 word textOuch! Not exactly what I was hoping to hear. But thanks for being so honest.
I thought to wait it out a bit… He’s birthday is coming up early Aug and I don’t want there to be awkwardness in having to wish him. I think it’s going to be a bit of a difficult day for me. OR do you think the no contact is a bad idea and that it will cause more damage?
I don’t understand ? Are you saying that I won’t be able to ever get through to him or get him back?
By getting through to him I mean… Do you think there’s no way he’d ever consider giving us another chance?
I’m not sure if you’ve read about the restart your relationship by Matthew Coast.
I thought about following those steps to restart the relationship followed by the steps in HSO.
I’m hoping that reaching out after some time out and tapping into his “hero instinct” we’ll somehow start communicating again, without the past still being a fresh memory. I’m just a bit concerned about the propinquity chapter… we don’t see each other and chances of randomly bumping into him is next to nothing. I also don’t want him to get the feeling that I’m actively trying to get him back, instead – I want him to remember how easily we used to talk about everything and nothing.
Do you maybe have some advice as to how I can achieve this? Without pushing him back even further and putting him off?
He’s not the type to hold grudges and not talk to me, so I’m not concerned that he won’t “call” when I send the 12-word text. My worry is keeping the ball rolling after that and in such a way that I don’t just get friend zoned.
Its only been a week since no contact , I’m going to wait a couple more weeks before reaching out ? Am I reaching?
We met through my sister – he’s, her boss.
So, we used to see each other over weekends. In the early stages of our relationship on the very rare occasion I’d go visit him on a weekday for 2-3 hours. He lived on his own. Until very recently I still lived with my parents. We mostly hung out at his place.
Like I said the 1st 6 months was amazing. He’s not the “warm and fuzzy talk about my feelings and emotions” type. But every night Monday – Thursday we’d spend hours on the phone talking about his work day (he’s an attorney and director at his firm) his friends, family. We’d gossip about his friends and their relationship drama talk about my siblings, friends etc. So, although he’s not warm and fuzzy, conversations like this revealed a lot about himself and his personality and interactions with others. We’d go out clubbing, have lazy days on the couch just watching movies or sports. We spontaneously went away for a weekend. We planned and enjoyed a week away a couple months after the weekend getaway…. Things were going great.
On numerous occasions in gossiping about his friends and their relationships he’d say how lucky he is that I’m not like their girlfriends and that he’s so happy he doesn’t have to deal with that type of drama.
Fri – Sun we’d spend time together – not everyday. But at least one day out of the week. And we’d both always be looking forward to spending time together.
About 2 months ago we had 2 arguments, both on days he had a tough day at the office. His work is a very big part of his life. I’d say about 90%. We could talk for hours and hours about his workday… And I loved it!!! In doing that he’d open about himself and family life (he has a very complicated family life, divorced parents , very disconnected siblings etc. which I believe also contributes greatly as to why he’s so closed off). Both happened on days he had a tough day at work (he’s an attorney and director at his firm). And he felt that I was insensitive in bringing stuff up after he’s had such a bad day. So, to fix this and eliminate the arguing he decided we’re no longer talking about his work cause it only starts arguments. And that was the beginning of the end. The thing is talking about his workday is not just about his work. It reveals so much about him as a person and how he acts around and treat friends and family. All of the sudden talk time during the week reduced tremendously, our quality of conversation deteriorated because we couldn’t talk about his work and life. And that’s when he started to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. All we could talk about was his mornings before he got to work and his evenings after he got home from work. I didn’t help the situation much – cause I did the same to try and get back at him and it back fired – we ‘d just end up fighting or just have 10min conversations. I also stopped sharing with him cause I felt he was being unfair. I asked him a few times to please reconsider his decision in not talking to me about his work day but he wasn’t going to change his mind. I mean – how do you have a relationship with someone if you’re only privy to about 4% of his life. We literally drained the life out of our relationship. I feel what he did was silly and unnecessary, and I got frustrated cause he refused to see reason. We drifted apart, he stopped saying he miss me , he says he felt unfulfilled – how am I supposed to enrich and support your life if I don’t have access to it?
Before this stupid thing of not talking about his work. He randomly rocked up at my office one day (1st and only time he’s ever been there) with a bag of goodies , all my fav’s – jelly sweeties, chocolates – even fresh cut up fruits ‘cause he know’s I don’t eat healthy – I mean how considerate is that! – he wanted to surprise me and thank me for being so supportive and listening to him. In the moment – I was the nicest girl to walk this earth. How do I go from this to making him feel unfulfilled?
We started talking less, stopped making plans and just stared seeing each other spur of the moment.
Like when neither of us have plans.
He’s not the type to talk about feelings – I think he gets a bit weird and distant – like he has no clue what I’m talking about – or he goes silent and when I bring things like that up , so whenever I tried to bring up how I’m feeling – that I’d like to see him more , he doesn’t say he miss me anymore etc, we don’t talk about things anymore. It would end up in a fight. He eventually got tired of the fighting and called it quits over the phone – a few hours after we had a fight of seeing each other and spending time together. I never saw him since he broke up with me over the phone. I tried to get him to meet so we can talk about it – literally begged him but he refused saying we’ve already talked about everything, and he doesn’t see how talking / meeting to talk will change anything. He sounded very despondent. He said he’s been unhappy for about 2 months (since the arguments started) and he feels unfilled – we had good times but he feels we’re not suited for each other. I’m worried that he does not seem like the type to re-hash relationships (give it another chance) he’s very set in his ways and stubborn. He’s never really been in long term relationships, but I asked him a few times if we’re on the same page in this relationship and he said yes .
I was no saint – like I said , I also stopped sharing . I’m not a good listener – which I am working on currently. I’d always interrupt him when he tried to say something in our arguments and fights. I’d cut him off. He said I that I’m not interested in listening in what he has to say and I’m only interested in my own feelings. I get defensive when people say things about me that not true – and I guess that’s what I did in interrupting him ‘ cause I was trying to explain to him that what he is saying is wrong – he didn’t understand me properly – huge communication mess
He’s an amazing guy, and our chemistry was awesome. Always went out of his way to make sure I am happy and comfortable when I’m with me , always went the extra mile . Treated me like a queen. Since the break up he’s been ice cold. The 1st 2, 3 days after he broke up with me I literally blew up his phone – he responded to my 100 messages about once or twice and rarely took my calls – when he did – he stuck to his story that we already discussed everything and there’s nothing left to be said.
I’m sorry – I know this is a long response and that I was a little all over the place. But I feel our issues are fixable. I love this guy and I don’t want to lose him. Please help
