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I really feel like you give me more credit than I deserve. Some days I feel like I’m going backwards and want to reach out to him. I tend to be a lot harder on myself and try to see things from others perspective. I’m rewriting this cause it got deleted but I’m trying to make peace with knowing that connection was not good for me. I have to shift my focus on me and getting better. I will continue to read what you said until it registers. This really breaks my heart but it’s finding a way to let it not break me. Thanks
Awe, thanks so much! You are really speaking to me right now. I’ve been crying reading this because it’s letting this person go is very difficult. I’m starting to realize that since I never got closure from my last relationship and I got broken up with both times I been feeling unworthy and insecure. So healing is a real big focus now. It’s hard hearing that this won’t be the last time that I will have to heal. Even though it’s true I was thinking of it more of me not wanting get to hurt again but If I do the necessary steps to heal then it’ll be different. I’m laughing cause it’s like you know me. I would be looking for that person to decide to heal again by seeking his opinion now. Your right about not needing his perspective, I’ll take your advice. I would probably end up more frustrated If he didn’t give an answer I like. I will definitely read the info you have given me. Things are easier said than done so I have ways to go. I just have to realize that letting go is good for me.
A healthly relationship to me looks like two people who love and respect each other. Both willing to work through things and understand one another. Giving space when needed but actively doing the things it takes to help each other in different aspects of life and finding a common ground that works for the two. I know that this relationship became very one sided and I have done things to try and fix stuff but he is for himself right now. I take things personal when it come to these things and that’s what I have to work on. Everything doesn’t revolve around me in a relationship and your right it’s about him. So me trying to explain to him that its okay and that I’m here is not motivation enough to him that he has a person that loves him and is willing then I’m not the one. He has to believe it for himself… I don’t see him changing unless he actively does the work like you said and I think it was a pattern is his previous relationship which was a warning I missed or thought I was different rather.
lol yeah I definitely know the answer and it would not be a good sign If someone is distant to that extent. I guess I just wanted to know that I’m not crazy for thinking it was something to be upset about. I honestly think I just want closure which is something I’m not always bound to get. I wanted to hear from him personally on what he has to say then move on from there. I also know I don’t need to rely on other people’s apology or closure to move on but it does ease a bit of the pain. I know a lot of the things that I did wrong but regardless it may have been the same outcome. Who knows? Believe me, I know I should move on from him. Maybe one day I’ll be able to call him up and ask questions about stuff but right now I think he would just think I’m trying to get him back instead of me trying to get a perspective to better myself for the right person for me.
Hey, yes I’m currently trying to heal and make sense of things. I don’t really know where this anxious behavior comes from specifically as far as childhood. I’ve only dated one other person in my life besides him. That relationship was codependent I can say looking back. It happened 4 years ago so I took a huge break you can say. But the thing is, we were the couple you would get annoyed by because we were always together. He initiated all the hangouts so me being too clingy wasn’t a thing. At least he never brought it up. He seemed to encourage it so. But I now know what is healthy and what’s not so I can back off in the future. I guess since that’s all I knew from my last relationship then it spilled over into this one. When he first started to distance himself it was a complete shock to me and I took it as a bad sign because that never happened to me.
How do I know when I am in a relationship with a guy, how long is too long to let them take space to themselves? Is it normal for a guy to take days to not talk to his girl with no warning? I know people may not want to consult someone every time you want to be alone but a text is not too much right? Also, If he never changed a thing I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. I do realize that If we were to get back together then it would have to be a different relationship(in a positive way) cause certain things didn’t work. But I know he has to be on board and willing. I’m going back and forth on whether I should text him or call at all. It’s been like 3 weeks and this is the longest we have ever not talked to each other. I know I shouldn’t be sitting here worrying about why he won’t just tell me he can’t do this right now instead of leaving me hanging. That is the most heartbreaking part cause I feel disrespected and like I’m being punished with silence. I do think those suggestions are great though.
What is your personal opinion on the situation so far? Does it sound like he no longer wants to continue with me or he is trying to exit my life while he figures out what else he wants next? Maybe I should reach out a last time to figure it out for sure If he even answers me. The last text I got from him reads,” Hey I appreciate it. I just can’t right now. I’m so damn sad I’m trying to get over this but it’s just really difficult. I’m trying my hardest…I’m gonna talk to you at some point this weekend I’m just not in a great place right now. I am very grateful for your concern it means a lot.” That was 3 weeks ago. I have since said that there are no words that would make a different but I pray God gives him strength and healing. And that I’m here when he’s ready.
I’ll wait to reach out until I hear you out…
Thanks so much for your help!Hey Heidi,
Thanks so much for responding. We are both 24 years old and he got a late start because he didn’t take things seriously the first time around when going to college. He also was in a different space and didn’t think he’d even get back into football because of his experience in high school. I graduated college in 2020. I know I started off with the break up so it may be a bit confusing. I was trying not to type for too long. But I was unhappy with the way things were going. I felt like he wanted to be with me but football was taking all the attention. Also, before that our schedules and getting covid it start to keep us apart so it got even more frustrating to see each other. When I was reading the hero instinct I instantly could hear clearly all the things he had been telling me but it wasn’t getting through to me at that time. The things that was drawing him to accomplish things. I realized that he needed my support and the way I was handling certain situations was causing him to pull away. As far as me wanting him back is that I realized my mistakes and I never wanted to not be with him. I thought I was getting a second chance but as soon as his previous credits and things started to not go well, he called me up and was upset. Idk how to think about it cause he dipped after everything seem cool. I do feel like things would be different If I knew the info I know now during the relationship. Now I’m not justifying him not communicating but I feel like I didn’t get the chance to fully show him that I’m not the same person. We talked about it a little but the shift from talking to me while he was down there on campus he was so excited because this is what he loves. I felt bad when they told him his credits were not gonna transfer and waiting a semester without playing plus out of state cost. I was following the steps of second chance and I while I told him my part in it he said that when we were together I looked like someone killed my sibling. I apologized and said that I was too worried about stuff and not in the moment. Looking back he was really trying but he said that this girl who always told him she miss him all the time and can’t wait to see him didn’t look happy when we were together sometimes. I just needed to learn how to address problem to him better and appreciate what he was doing right cause my focus became so negative.
I also became co dependent at a point and our convos start to be silent from no space of not talking to each other. I have realized that I had a anxious attachment style and him not talking to me scared me to thinking he would never come back. I didn’t know what boundaries were when in a relationship and so I couldn’t understand him wanting some time to himself. But I started make peace with him following his dreams and stuff and that it didn’t mean he didn’t love me. I thought we were on the same page before he had to leave campus. We were talking and he said he wanted to continue talking because he said he was trying to get me to see it all along. But I think he should of just spoke up instead of no talking for days. But I said okay and we were talking on the phone when I asked If he is okay with checking in with each other while he was out of state. He said of course and that he wants me in his life and that football and timing was just off. I said I didn’t wanna make any assumptions and he said well I’m telling you right now that I care about you and If you allow it then I want to continue to make stuff work. So I assumed we were gonna take it slow and that didn’t mean we were back together but after stuff happened I figured he was gonna need time to himself to deal with not playing. I think this has affected him ghosting but I’m not sure. What do you think? Is he just not into me anymore or is he hiding rn? I just don’t know what to say after he said he’s really sad and can’t talk and haven’t responded to any text since the 10Th of this month. I don’t wanna say the wrong thing. What I want is for him to be able to talk to me and not ghost me. I want him to keep his word on things. I do think that by him not answering is also an answer but I could be wrong so I’m asking for advice before I make assumptions because I can do that easily lolAlso, I want to add that we had been together for 10months when I was upset that he didn’t see me anymore because of training for football. Even when he didn’t have practice he was practicing and it got annoying cause he would call everyday after work but it would be for until he got home and then he’s like I gotta go workout. I was so upset one day and wanted to talk to breakup but we meet and both of us was so sad that we didn’t want to breakup. So we decided to stay together and figure out stuff. By April, I was worried that he would move out of state and become more distant and then it’s over so I start to get too co dependent and asking questions and complaining a lot. I’m just confused because I feel like he doesn’t truly want me If he still can’t even talk to me. I know we never got back together after April but we had been good until June 4th when he got home from the school.
