[Beth]

Does this make sense?
Yes, that’s kinda my line of thinking. We have pretty much stopped any “romantic” pursuit – neither of us has been so blunt as to say it out loud, but yeah. We continue to communicate mostly light-hearted chit chat. I encouraged him to think of something that brought him joy in the past that he hasn’t done in a while and plan to do something over his holiday weekend to get out of the house and find some joy. He mentioned that the last time he had done this activity (canoeing) he was with her and it turned out horrible. I told him he needed a reboot, to create new memories associated with that activity that don’t bring dark thoughts. I told him he needed to have something he could do to de-stress when he needed in a healthy outlet. He caught me off guard by suggesting I join him. I was like, wait, what? That’s not where I was going with that conversation. I even re-read my messages to make sure I didn’t inadvertently imply that. Not that I can tell? So, that’s the out of the blue shift I didn’t expect. I didn’t respond much. I’m going to let him stew on that thought. I don’t know what he’s suggesting, or if he knows. I don’t know if a trip like that with me is a good idea or not. Stay tuned, I guess?

[Beth]

you will protect it fiercely, …You will not let anyone or anything into your space that doesn’t support how you get to feel.
Yes! This! This is a big reason why I’ve avoided the idea of dating for so long.

What if … were to make you feel more free, more expanded, more peace, more joy, more of everything.
I guess I never considered that scenario was possible. That would take me a bit to wrap my head around.

Reality is, you are going to traumatize him, just because you are human. He will traumatize you too. It’s just part of being in a deeper relationship with someone.
If I’m not a positive presence for him (or anyone) maybe I should back away? This whole thought is terrifying.

You chose, just like he did, to enter into a relationship with someone who was abusive.
I don’t know if I agree with that. I entered a relationship that didn’t begin like that. It developed into that over 5 years. I don’t think anyone chooses an abusive situation to begin with, but once you’re there and it becomes that way, it’s difficult to give up on something you wanted to work out. Because no matter how much the other person is abusive, you consider yourself a failure for not being able to work it out.

He NEEDS to feel this, so he never chooses this again. The pain needs to be great enough for him to finally take some action to work on himself.
OMG! I’ve never read something so true in my life! Although it’s difficult to watch someone go through that. I’ve had to do that with my daughters. The very strong physical urge to fix things for people you care about is very difficult to resist! But you’re absolutely correct. If they don’t learn the lesson themselves, they won’t gain the wisdom from it. Still tough to sit on the sidelines!

Just be careful of that pattern that so easily can creep in. Does this make sense?
Yes, it absolutely does! I will definitely try to be careful about how I approach everything.

Now, what if he changes how he responds to me? Like if I expect nothing, if I am careful as you said and he changes his behavior unexpectedly? Then what? I feel like I should tread very lightly.

[Beth]

1) Marriage/Living together – I was married for 16 years. It was emotionally draining, I dealt with extreme depression and anxiety, I felt trapped, I was miserable. I stayed for the benefit of my children, who are now adults. They say they knew and wish I had left sooner. I LOVE not having to answer to anyone, I live how I want and I don’t have to justify my decisions with anyone. I feel free and I have found peace that I can’t describe. I guess I’m terrified to lose that if I add a new person to being in my daily sphere. I never say never, but the idea of being married again seems suffocating at the moment to me.

2 & 3) I had considered that his position was a trauma response. I would like to support him without traumatizing him any further. My understanding is he stayed due to job loss as a result of the COVID shut downs. He got a new job, and moved out shortly after. I won’t judge him for that. I don’t know all the details, and I stayed with an emotionally abusive person before I was married, because I couldn’t afford my own place at the time. So, I get it.

4) That all makes sense. Should I remain in contact? I feel like if I drop off completely I’m abandoning him, and I feel like he could use someone in his corner – even just a friend. I don’t know that benefits are even on the table anymore & I’m ok with that. I’m fine with following his lead. I’m not talking to anyone else at the moment. Honestly, I’m not interested in starting a new conversation with anyone. That is exhausting!

He’s still talking to me, albeit in very limited conversations. I would like him to know I’ve got his back and he is free to find his peace at his own pace. He seems defeated with life (let alone love), and I’ve been there. I guess that’s what makes me want to stay connected. I didn’t have anyone in my world when I had to deal with all that. I was broke and raising 4 kids. It’s dark and seems so hopeless. Now, I know that there is hope, but I had nobody to help me see that at the time.

It seems to me that none of the info in the book will help at this point. Maybe later…maybe not, if he never comes around.

[Author]

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