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Thanks Heidi, you are right it triggered the lost of his mom. He was saying they weren’t his losts and didn’t want to get involved or see the baby I delivered at home by myself at 12 wks. I totally understood and respected his wishes.
We are currently both in individual therapy and have done couples therapy with 3 different therapists over the years. His therapist seems to have made him realize (he didn’t know what they were) that his values are Independence, calmness and quiet for the main ones. Mine are, family, honesty and fidelity loyalty. He seems to be now convinced that he can only be happy by himself, says he won’t ever need another partner. He perceived what I needed to thrive in the relationship was just me asking him to change who he is inside.
In February we had 2 blissful wks. He was present and doing everything right and so was I. What ended the 2 wks was me asking him if he has gone to see a lawyer as he said he planned to do in January. His answer was yes I went to see one and there is only 1 piece of paper left to sign to serve you the papers…. That was his answer after 2wks of bliss. Told him I respected his decision on that at the time and that I was willing to keep it blissful so long we were both still working on it. From that moment, he completely stopped to participate so about a week later I asked if he was ok and mentioned it felt like he was done working on the relationship. He said yes I am done. At that point, I suggested a trial separation (just asI have 6 months ago. He says that would feel like a punishment and that he would rather go straight to divorce. I mentioned that we were both just starting individual therapy and that I thought waiting up and me going to visit my family (only 1 grandparent left from there) out of country with my son for 1-2 months could do us some good post pandemic. He would be alone with his computer for 1-2 months. He seemed to be ok with that but Monday, he wants to go to an initial mediation meeting. He says he doesn’t want to wait all that long and that he plans to be divorced before the end of the year. Says he has been thinking of leaving for 2 yrs but ever shared that with me (which would of completely make me realized that me just asking for more from him was not the right approach). I guess the mediation will make him feel like he is making progress. I plan to leave out of country in 3-4 wks. Right now, I am trying the hero approach and trying to be patient. We have been together for 20 yrs, married for 16! Prior the 3 losses, we weren’t doing all that great. He has been seeking porn and rarely approached me and I was the one that would initiate the most. Telling him that I would love for my man to take me and make us a priority, asked for a 2 hrs date/wk as well as 10 min talks/day.
We are still living in our residence with our son. We are talking mainly about logistics but we have brief banters and I think he responds well to the hero method so far and will gladly help when asked and I can tell he appreciate the supportive praises that comes after, although a resistance is felt. He is still involved with his son for less than 1 hr a day (schedule related) except for the weekends where he dismisses our son, so he gets more time to play computer games. He really needs his own time to zone out and recuperate about himself and what he is trying to avoid feeling inside. For the 1st time, last weekend I left from Friday night to Sunday night. Thought it could help plus I needed the mental break. I don’t want to stay in the same patterns either and within the last 4 months, I have worked really hard on myself and changed for the best in so many ways so I hope that overtime he sees and appreciate that. I can’t really say anything about what he should do. I feel like anything coming from me isn’t effective. When I asked and he said he was done working on the relationship, I offered to go consult with a couples therapist and after many hesitation he said fine if you really want me to go, I’ll go but it won’t be to repair it and I’m going to resent you for the rest of my life. That was about 2 months ago. I have definitely done a lot of shiftings inside of me, for me AND for us. He seems to have done the shifting about himself only and says that the assertiveness he is working on is doing him some good but he can’t go backwards on his decision or that would mean no self respect (that also was 4 months ago).
What else can I do? Wondering if worth it anymore and at the same time I don’t want to only see my son growing at only half of shared time.
Thank you for being here Heidi. Some days, it is so hard that I feel like I could just pack my bags and that wouldn’t reflect well on my loyalty value.
Sophie
Hi. I have been completely shutting down my husband over the last few years by making him feel unimportant, criticized and not enough all the while asking for more connections and presence from him. Thought he was going to be there when I lost our 3 babies (5wk, 12wk and 20wks) but couldn’t. I was diagnosed with PTSD from that and he was diagnosed with an avoidant personality. He is now wanting a divorce since apparently he has been thinking about leaving for 2 yrs. How did I miss all the signs? Please help! We have a 7 yr old son. I want him to genuinely want us/me which has been as issue for him since he lacks self confidence but won’t admit it. He lost his mom to skin cancer when he was 5 yrs old.
