[Kelsey G]

This makes a lot more sense. Thank you so much for explaining a little more where you are coming from. Communicating like this is hard haha And thank you for believing in and validating the strong parts of me.

I know that any words I could say would not change his mind—he has to do that himself. But I also never meant wanting to say the “right” things as a reflection of my worth. I said it because before, saying something different DID help him think a little differently. Not about me, but our situation. I think he likes me just as I am. Where our relationship is falling short is on his end, something going on with him and how he is viewing things. Any reaching out I want to do, any of these “right words” I wish I could say would be to help him think differently about our relationship, not about who I am. Hopefully that makes more sense where I’m coming from.

I don’t feel like I have a lot of control to get a result I want. But that honestly is how a lot of things go in my life. That’s why I am wishing I could just say something to help him think things through a little differently and have a little more control to get a result I want. But I know that is not how things work in matters with other people.

Shouldn’t I be able to have a say if it involves me?
I just see others being able to be a little more bold and making progress. For instance, a friend’s boyfriend was being a little inconsiderate of her feelings and she was able to stand up for herself and he was able to rethink things and they were able to work it out. I know she’s in a committed relationship, so it’s different than my situation. But I envy her ability to do SOMETHING.

But I realize I am doing something even when I don’t reach out to him. I am still sending a message—that I am worth it. I just don’t know if the message is as obvious and it doesn’t really feel like I’m moving closer to what I want. But I am grateful for the opportunity to improve myself and heal parts of me I didn’t know needed healing.

I understand your bandaid analogy a little better now. Thank you for clarifying. I understand what you’re saying when I might actually miss parts of myself that he brought out of me when we were together. But I also genuinely miss him. I’ve lost a lot of people in life, to death, ended relationships, friends that have chosen other paths. When I look back on them I don’t ever think, “wow I miss who I was with that person.” I miss the person and what they added to life in general. I do understand with loss of a relationship it’s a little more intertwined with who you are because you become someone different with them. I’m sure there is some of that with Josh, but I miss him.

Thank you for feeling with me. It helps to know that my pain is validated and understood and that this really is such an unfair situation.

I’m really sad because I can’t afford to stay with this program, and this is my last night on here. But I am so grateful for you and the help you have given me. I am going to keep working on myself—journaling, going back to therapy, meditating, exercising, challenging negative thoughts. I really want a way to be able to contact you and follow up sometime. I don’t know if that is possible.

But seriously. I know I challenge a lot of your thoughts, but that helps me think deeper and understand better. You have helped me see more inside myself and guided me. Thank you for walking with me through this. I am so grateful for you. I really hope we can talk again sometime.

Thank you,

Kelsey

[Kelsey G]

Hey Heidi,

Sorry for the delay in response, I’ve been battling the flu.
Thanks for more of your insight.

I feel a little misunderstood and hurt. I am whole and complete as a person—with or without him. I am human, so I do have cracks, but I don’t expect anyone to fill those. That is not why I am wanting to still connect with him.

I don’t feel like connection with him is a bandaid.
I want to be with him and nothing seemed wrong. I don’t believe he 100% wanted to stop talking.

Is it possible to hurt simply because you miss someone?

When it comes to wanting to control the situation, obviously I don’t want to control him. I have spent the last several years accepting whatever life has thrown at me, rolling with the punches, and loving myself through it all. I’ve controlled what I could in those circumstances, usually keeping myself happy and healthy. I just see others able to take more control of situations like this and get what they need and want. I’m tired of just accepting whatever happens happens when I can have more of a say.

It’s almost been a month since we let each other go. I’ve tried to work on myself, tried talking to other guys, I’ve gone out with friends.

I miss him still but it hasn’t stopped me from living my life.
I just feel unsettled.

I appreciate your help.

Thank you,

Kelsey

[Kelsey G]

Hey Heidi,

Thank you for your perspective. I am hearing it, I see it, and I definitely feel the pain from these actions.

I am struggling. I’ve been so back and forth between letting it be and feeling the need to talk to him and just figure it out—or at least let him know I deserve to be treated better. Either way-letting it be gives me more to deal with emotionally, but imposing my worth on him when we don’t know if it would change anything also seems foolish. It’s much more powerful to embrace my worth and let things be and just let it speak for itself. I see all the good things that will happen by giving him the space and working on and healing myself. But the emotional side of me, my warrior side, my passionate side, my caring side, doesn’t want me to give up on him. Trying to fight the urge to reach out to him. I know this is a critical time for both of us to heal and work on ourselves. And I don’t want to push him away more than he has already gone. I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. But then I think of his words that said he wanted a clean break while he was gone and I feel inclined to respect his wishes on that. But still, because it doesn’t make that much sense to me, my heart naturally fights it.

Thank you for showing understanding about how hard this is.

I do want your opinion on the situation if he does come back. If he chooses to come back I would definitely want him to earn it. I can’t let him just walk back in, especially after this. Not getting my hopes up, but what would that look like? Like what are some things I should say if he reaches out to me soon or whenever he gets back?

[Kelsey G]

Hey Heidi, thank you again for helping out.

We were moving too fast in that within our first couple of dates we were pretty emotionally vulnerable and physically involved—making out, no sex (though later on we were close, but we set that boundary to not go that far). We were both on the same page there though and never were upset with each other if one wanted to go further and the other wasn’t ready. It was healthy that way.

When he talked about slowing down I was a little sad. It’s not like I immediately sided with it. But I also know compromise is important. And so we agreed to slow down AND still talk to each other. And I know that’s where he is failing to show up right now, and you’re right, we don’t know the reason why, but he told me he just needed to do his thing this summer, so that’s what I have to go off of. Sometime after our last date with the discussion to slow things down and the phone call to break things clean is when he decided that was what he needed to do. I don’t know what made him decide that.

I’m very aware of what this cut off does. It is not fair for me, I know. I know I deserve someone who would be excited and happy to choose me. And THAT is what I’m struggling with. He was that. Until a week and a half ago. For whatever reason. It doesn’t add up.

But I know he is an honest, kind, caring, hard-working man. He made me feel safe, cared about, we had similar values, great work ethic, good humor, shared a love for music, reading, being involved in the community, and more. Josh is extremely caring, but I think he is hard on himself. There’s something he’s going though that he thinks I would have a hard time accepting about him. I can tell. He hasn’t confided in me yet about it, probably because we weren’t officially dating. On the phone it was obvious to me that he is doing this more for me than for him. He said “It’s not really what I was expecting to do, but I just feel like I have to do my thing this summer. Not really up for discussion” and he didn’t want to discuss it because last time we discussed it I convinced him otherwise. And the fact that he said “maybe you’ll be dating someone better.” Makes me think that he is going through something he thinks I wouldn’t accept. Obviously I’m not going to pressure him to tell me if he’s not ready. But I’d hope that whoever I choose would accept the hard dark things about me too. And so far he has. I’ve not given him a reason to not trust me with whatever he is battling, but I know that it’s hard for some to open up right away.
I know he cares about me. He said so on the phone. And he was purposely trying to keep the phone call short because he knows that when we talk we have great connection. It hurts that he is running from it. He should be running towards me—I agree. But I’d hope that in moments like those, I’d want someone to still be there.

Those are some of the reasons I want to fight for it.
I just don’t understand why he stopped things. Of course I want someone to reciprocate all the love I’m ready to give, but I also know all too well that people move at different speeds, have different backgrounds and fears, and not everything is going to match up perfectly in the dating process.

As for my past relationships, yeah, they never ended up in a committed relationship. For 15 years I’ve not been able to find someone who would commit. But a lot of the time throughout those years I wasn’t asked out. Who knows why—lack of options, a concussion I had to endure, overcoming anxiety, whatever. But the guys that did seem interested at one point never asked me out. There were some I decided weren’t a good fit for me and let them go. There were a couple where we both knew when to let the relationship go. There was a guy last year who ended things abruptly, told me he was a narcissist and a sociopath and that it wouldn’t happen. I never saw those signs and didn’t understand it at all and honestly had a very hard time with it, especially when he ghosted me, started dating someone else, and then got married to her a few months later (seriously dodged a huge mess there.)

I had a really nice family life growing up, for which I’m grateful for.

I’ve been exploring some trauma and attachment things through therapy, but honestly they haven’t really found anything and it hasn’t really helped.

I’m not trying to force Josh in my life. That is why I’ve given him space when he needs it. It’s how we connected when we were together and the possibility of a future with Josh that makes me want to stay connected though.

[Kelsey G]

Hey Heidi! Thank you so much for replying! I’ve been really busy the past few days and haven’t had a chance to respond. I have been thinking about it a lot though.

The past few days have been a little easier and I am not being as hard on myself as I was when a relationship ended last year. I’m loving seeing my progress and giving myself grace when I still feel down about it.

I appreciate your thoughts and insight to how I presented the relationship while I was in pain. I’ve reflected on it a little more and these are some of the thoughts I had:

Faith in him
I realize my faith should not have been in him, especially this early. We connected so well so fast, that even though we have only been going out since December, we were close. He had been consistent and followed through with what he said up until this point. We noticed how fast things were going and that’s why we tried to slow things down. We have been able to be open and honest from the start and we value that about each other. When we talked on Saturday about him just wanting to break off for the Summer he acknowledged that he should have let me know a little sooner than he did and he felt bad about it. But up until this instance we have followed through with our words.

I don’t feel like I’m trying to make him “the guy,” just all the things that have gone right outweigh what hasn’t—until now. Up until mid-January I had been going out with other guys too, which helped keep it balanced and I didn’t feel like I was “chasing” anyone. They were chasing me. The other 2 guys slowly faded off and then it was just Josh and we both had increased our energy in each other. It really looked and felt like it was moving towards a relationship. He has added to my life and I like how I feel when we are together. At first I was hurting so badly because I was having an attachment response—something I’m working on.

Connection is commitment
I definitely agree, connection is commitment. I really dialed back on communication that would make him feel pressured to commit. He responded well to texts about funny memories, pics of a sunset, etc. On the phone call I did ask him if he had felt pressured and he said no and that he really had just filled his time with his work and getting things ready before he left.

Doesn’t add up
We had realized we had rushed into things back when we took the little break, and when we revisited it we agreed to take things slower and he asked me to be patient with him. He said he eventually wanted to commit but it would just take a little longer than couples in our area typically take. It was then that I realized that I didn’t want to rush into it either, that I cared more about our process of getting to know each other and caring about how we both were feeling about things than a title. And so that’s what our plan was, to get to know each other. He clearly started to feel differently and so I’m giving him that space. I did explain to him that talking on the phone over summer could help us get to know each other without worrying about the physical aspect of our relationship (we know we are good there) overpowering it. But I think he really just needs space right now.

What are your thoughts? I really appreciate your insights. In the meantime my plan is to keep working on myself. That’s what I feel best about. I am curious on your thoughts. Even though we are not expecting to talk to each other over the summer, do you think it would be helpful or harmful in like a month or 2 to send him a message? I just think it’s kind of ridiculous if he’s even thinking of trying to talk to me when he gets back if he doesn’t want to talk every so often in the summer. But I also see how pushing him to connect when he hasn’t come around to that idea could push him away instead.

I’m struggling because so many things I read and have heard through this program are “So and so’s situation seemed impossible, but it’s possible to get him back! Here’s how!” And then I present my situation to others (referring mostly to friends) which doesn’t even seem all that impossible and I get told to “drop it” (my friend’s words, not yours). I’m seeing all the good things about choosing myself over trying to make him right, I’m just struggling to understand how to make this come together.

I look forward to your response! Thank you

[Kelsey G]

Anyone have insight as to what I should do, please?

[Kelsey G]

Update:

He wants to cut things off for the summer so he can “focus and do his own thing” and then see where we are when he gets back—he said “either you’ll be dating someone better than me or we will get back together, get to know each other better, and create a good life together.” He doesn’t want to stay in contact throughout the summer. I told him how I felt and I didn’t quite understand, but I would respect his decision. We left things on a positive note and he promised to reach back out to me when he gets back in a few months. I’m hurting and this does not add up to what we had talked about before nor with how we were feeling before. Help me please

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