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But do not worry, I will note reach out to him but I’ve been feeling like driving by his house to see if they same car us parked next to his truck like my car was when we were seeing each other.
Crazy, I know, but I want the truth. I want to know that he was charming me into thinking all he’s been doing behind my back is normal when in fact it’s quite sneaky, sleezy and deceitful and that he uses woman for ego boosts and is a future faker manipulator to get what he wants. Attention from beautiful woman whom he becomes bored with and then disrespects because he’s so out of touch with another person’s feelings even though he claims he’s an “empath ”
God help me. I’m so glad I’ve broken the pattern but it still hurts yo be used like that…thanks for listening…I will run from ANY hint of this behavior from now on. Charming men can stick it. They can no longer charm me into a situation like this EVER again. I’m wiser now and proud of it.
🤍 ~MHi Spyce,
I do feel like I’ll be tempted to re connect so there’s that fear. It may take a while for him to resurface and I don’t even really think about it that much anymore because I now hope it forest happen so I only occasionally think about that possibility unlike every day in my near past. After he told me how he felt it sealed the deal for me and I’m hoping he won’t try again but you never do know! I kind of feel like he left a couple of windows cracked open in his message to me. Did you get that sense too? I just really need to take this time to practice being higher in value then ever if I do run into him this summer or around our community.It’s not a really small town but more of a smaller yet wide yet somewhat condensed suburban community where a lot of folks get familiar with each other in a way because we use the same stores and gas stations and what not so the chances of running into each other are not super high necessarily but it can happen. It’ll just depend on the energy of the day, etc. I’m sure you get my drift.
He does not live far from me now. He moved into my hood (general area) 1.5 years ago and uses the same main road right near my house to get to the interstate to go to work so by saying that, I do feel his presence if that makes sense.
Thank you for your insight and discussion. Again, it’s really helping me to prepare!
I am feeling his presence around me again lately, it’s an energy force thing so I’m wondering about him again. Who he’s with now and how he is doing? Maybe that’s normal? Part of the process?
~MIn addition to all of the above, it’s HIS LOSS. He lost a fabulous woman who would of been a fantastic girlfriend in so many ways it blows my mind how careless he was toward me. It broke my heart but my heart is now healing as I’ve seen the writing on the wall and that’s what I needed from him to close that book. I just worry he’ll come back and then what? I’m thinking IGNORE & NO MORE.
Also, it occurres to me now that I’m done wasting my time (life) with people like him. He did nothing for me really, other then a few small gestures in the very beginning that is, then nothing more really other then a few scraps here and there (we’ve been on and off, back n forth for 2.5 years)
and reflecting back about our time together it was almost like I was supposed to be graced with HIS company and not the other way around and I was doing all the work. I’m the prize! Some men will never GET IT and that’s sad to me and in a lot of ways I do feel sorry for him but I will not condone his behavior as he knows what he did and what he’s doing, he’s not stupid. He manipulated me to get what he wanted and you are right, he’s broken. I don’t want a man like that. I’m 100% DONE. I’d rather be with myself then fawn over “him…”Hi again Spyce,
I do feel like I got closure. I closed that book and have opened up another one and this time the book is all about me and my life, not others, including men. I’m not bitter I’m just done with unemotionally available people. He was super unavailable in countless ways so I’ve learned another lesson. Life to me is all about lessons learned and then gained. I think if I ever saw him again I’d turn around and walk away. It’s just too weird, toxic and frankly hurtful. I can’t have toxic in my life anymore so yes, I’m relieved! I feel free and I’ve moved onto projects that have been starring at me for months. I’m finally ready to get the work DONE so I can move onto to other projects that need my attention too. So, I now know the signs (red flags) and will pay attention to them once and for all.
Thank you for this dialog, you are helping me tremendously.
With Warmth,
MaryHi Krista,
I know what I’d do but I’m not supposed to counsel you on here.
I hope a Counselor responds soon. Sometimes it takes a bit so hang in there!
MaryXXO, yes, Spyce! Most definately. I feel like I’ve built myself up where I can and will do what’s right for ME, not longer worrying about what he thinks or how he feels. I spoke my peace. Here is his response: I just thought I’d share so you can get a feel for him…
Mary, I’ve always been honest with you. I’ve been in a funk with this fing shoulder. I haven’t done “anything” really. Going back to work on Monday. I am surprised a bit by the emotions. True Friendships continue where they left off. I have friends that I haven’t seen in years and there is no judgments. As far as relationships… I’m incapable of anything tangible. Probly never will be. Regardless, I think you are a kind giving person and I love you for that. Take care Mary Mary
So Spyce, my subscription is ending on April, 26, 2022 so I hope to catch your drift b4 I go. I need to get back to work in a brand new profession so will be studying for that and will be quite pre occupied here very soon.
You take care now and I hope we can have some final parting words…With Warmth,
MaryHi Heidi,
Here are my responses to your insight and questions. Thank you so much.
What is it that he was doing for you, that you were not doing for yourself?
He was texting me and sometimes calling me quite regularly like for sure on Fridays to set up seeing me on that evening. I do feel now that I was his Friday girl. He complimented me on how I looked, sometimes said I was really sexy was sweet and kind and always asked me when we were together if I felt safe. He cooked me breakfast b4 I left his house the next morning. He took good care of me when we were together. He did complain about having anxiety but I also have that affliction so we understood each other.What is RIGHT with you?” “How were you good enough for him?”
Everything I did was just needing someone to love and care for. Who doesn’t want that? I appreciated his thoughtfulness when we were together. I knew he wasn’t a perfect man, not even close but I gravitated toward him when we spent time together NOT when we didn’t. Two separate issues. It was the time between seeing him that got to me = hot & cold behavior so I became suspicious and rightfully so. I also think he got scared because I do not have low self esteem, I value myself, love myself and my willingness to go half way and coming from that perspective about myself
I was good enough for him as I was always nice, generous and I appealed to his alpha male masculinity. I only thought “I” wasn’t good enough for him because he rarely reciprocated so I was in a sense led to believe I wasn’t good enough when in fact I was highly good enough. I do think he gaslighted me a lot so I started feeling low about myself because I think misery loves company and he wanted me to be there so he could feel better ABOUT HIMSELF WHILE WITH ME. He never abused me but he did manipulate me until I started doing a lot of work on myself and started discovering why I wanted his attention in the first place. He was feeding my inadequacy to be a suitable partner for him and that is mind blowing stuff. He was VERY CHARMING ALL ALONG and yes, I fell for it.Do these concepts make sense? What are your thoughts?
Yes, it makes absolutely sense and I have taken this long experience as a Graduate Degree course in how to see what it is that I cannot see in a person until it’s too late. I have learned a tremendous amount from that from him abs will use it to benefit ME in future endeavors with men AND people in general. It’s just sad to me that it ended like this. I really did care for him and wanted it to be different but I also not realize he’s just not capable; at least right now and with me. I did text him last night after 2 months of no contact. I gave him some heartfelt thoughts and wasn’t too hard on him but I let him know where I was coming from and how I felt. Probably not what a Coach would approve of me doing but I did it for myself, not him and, I feel better that I got it off of my chest. Please don’t criticize me for going there. It was something I thought about for a long time and if he doesn’t like what I had to say, then oh well, that’s too bad. I did it and it’s done. I feel I can now truly move on. He has not replied and I’m okay with that. I just NEEDED closure for myself and I wished him well and told him I forgave him and that I’ve moved on.In closing for today I will take your advice and not welcome his energy into me when and if I do run into him. I can be like a little scared bunny rabbit at times but at least I’m prepared, thank you to you, if that day ever comes in the future.
With Care,
MHi Spyce,
Great advice, thank you so much. I know I was being impatient but in saying that I (sometimes) need to hear things like right now or I may do something rash like run over there and ball him out, but thankfully I didn’t. (I’m a natural red-head so go figure, lol!)I thought hard about it and had things going on that stopped me, thank goodness for that and yes, I agree he is undeserving and has problems as I know it’s not me but I’m still having a hard time sorting this out as it makes sense on some levels and not others. I was kind, generous and thoughtful with this man and I gave myself to him in hopes I’d be “his” girl.
Why do men do this to woman? My best friend thinks he couldn’t handle me and my strength. She saw it as me influencing him to be a better person and he couldn’t handle it and would rather be with a woman who would take anything he’d give like scraps and crumbs. I did that for a while but then I changed and stopped accepting it as I know I’m better then that and I do deserve it all but on the other hand we did have a deep connection and when we were together we BOTH FELT LIKE WE WERE ON CLOUD 9. It was amazing. I had a lot of fun with him! It’s like, what the hell happened? Why wasn’t I good enough after all of this over 2 years worth, yes, on and off but hey, he never really left. I will know him 3 years this October, 2022.
Furthermore, I’d like to know the psychology behind this. His brother treats woman the same way (he calls his brother a man whore) but his brother told me he was nothing like him. HMMMMM. Confusing. I’ve met his brother, sons and neighbor friends and I was actually feeling like I was a part of his group but then privately he’d also say to me, “somehow you’ve managed to penetrate my tiny inner circle.” and I frankly didn’t know how to respond.
In thinking more on this, they must have father – son issues. He told me he’s very close to his mother so maybe she tried to protect him growing up. The dynamics don’t add up though as he’s from a Catholic family and so am I. We connected deeply on that level and many, many others. We had really good deep talks about our families, experiences and problems but there was always drinking involved and sometimes heavy drinking and some drugs. The last time I saw him I honestly think he blacked out as he was a MESS the next morning and I felt okay as I was pretty buzzed but not ennebriated like him. The thing of it is, when we were in our happy times he’d make me breakfast every time I’d spend the night, treated me like his girlfriend but then I was not. I never got to be exclusive with him but he knew I wanted to be as he asked me several times during our deep talks, “what do you want?” so I was honest and told him. I felt vulnerable and was with him. His neighbor friends one time told me after we got back together after a long break, “we thought we’d never see you again, good to see you!” then one of them chimmed in and said at that same time, he has a lot of girls who are friends and I told them okay but I really love the guy abs they said, yeah, he’s a great guy. I thought that was a peculiar statement to tell me after I came back to him after a long break!
It was weird. Now we aren’t “on” again as I decided I can’t handle the hot n cold anymore. Thinking back about him I really think he manipulated me like to the max and that disgusts me. Your insight has been spot on but it still hurts but I need to hear it straight up for what it is. I created a fantasy relationship with this man and now it’s up to me to do the work to get away from the fantasy so that I can be with someone who is truly present so my next Q is:
What do I do/say when I do run into him because I know I will and I know his pattern.
Much Care,
💫 ~M
