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Hi there! I waited to respond until he and I had a chance to talk, which was last night. I am grateful for your advice about taking a look inward, because it led me to do a lot of journaling and self-reflection BEFORE we met to talk. Completing these activities, of course, made it easier for me to actually tell him what was going on in my head, why I was confused, and what I needed from him in a way that was productive (instead of either accusatory: “Why don’t you think I’m good enough” or deprecating: “I will never be good enough.”
We talked about expectations and needs (I told him my big three were: companionship – which he provides easily; respect – which he provides 90% of the time, but we discussed the incident in which I felt disrespected and he accepted that he’d messed up and apologized; security – that I needed to know WHAT the relationship was and what he expected / wanted from me). It was that last point that I knew would be hard. We talked about mixed signals and sex and affection and our failed marriages. We talked about talking about this is HARD for me (my ex accused me of being “needy” every time I tried to discuss feelings).
In the end, we resolved to let things develop naturally, but to be more open and candorous (embracing the idea of radical candor – we are both executives in our companies and communication strategies are well-known between us). We also agreed to have continuing conversations about expectations and changing expectations, as these things are fuzzy and liquid and never set in stone.
I feel good about where we left things…. Not great, I’d like a commitment from him, but he made clear to me that he may never be in a place to be in a committed relationship again. I decided to accept that for now and reserved the right to change my mind later.
I mean… it feels like that’s what is going on. If I was worth the risk, he’d take it. Instead he tells on this refrain of not wanting to damage our friendship…. which feels pretty damaged to me by now anyway. Plus, I know he entered into a relationship right out of his divorce (it was actuallya year ago today that he told me about her – the new relationship). Clearly, he’s not opposed overall. He’s just opposed with me …
Thanks, Heidi! I responded that I could make coffee work if he still wanted to, we’ll see what happens.
He talks to me about his divorce quite often, in so far as why – mostly communication issues and he was frustrated that she didn’t pursue her own life or interests and instead built everything around his.
I think on Friday, I need to just tell him that we can continue in the vein of friends, but the romantic indulgences will need to quit until he’s in a place that he feels like he can commit again.
It’ll suck and I’ll cry, but it’ll be better than this middle ground of wondering what I mean to him / what’s wrong with me / why he doesn’t think I’m worth taking a chance on.
