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Hi Coach Spyce !
Thank you so much for your interesting feedback.I understand what you tell about my parents and I had some other people telling me this too. It’s partly true but the big thing was actually that my mother would try to “feed” herself, her narcissism and needs and happiness through other people only (dad, children…), so she would put too much pressure on all of us (except one, but would be too long to explain why^^) and would be very mean when we would not meet her expectations. When she used to say that I was self-centered for looking for my own happiness, it’s because, as my therapist said, what she meant was “You’re born to make me happy first!”. Although I understand it comes from her own struggles, but still she was toxic (she now changed a lot for the best). That’s why I don’t really blame my dad because I know what it is to be pressured like you can’t be who you are, like whatever you’re doing it’s not good enough or it is a threat for the other person. And as one my sister says : if he had left so that he could breath and take us at his home part of the time, it would not have been possible, because our Mom would have manipulated us the children and make us angry at him. They actually got separated before my birth for a couple of years and this is what happened… So really my dad was like “stuck”. Also he would work hard and long hours, and provide well, which is “what dads were supposed to do back then” 😉 and would be there for us whenever we’d ask directly for it.
Still, I feel there is something true in your sentence : “But you’ve developed this pattern of blaming the woman and exonerating the man, and you do it to yourself in your own relationships.”
Thank you again for your kind and encouraging words and for the way you see me. 🙂
For my gamer-loser HAHAHA, things are not going as well as expected unfortunately xD. I have spent like only 2 days happy and relieved after I deleted him. But then the sad and obsessive feelings came back again from nowhere, not as painful, but still… When deleting him I had sent him a quick polite message for which I did not expect a reply, especially since he did not give ANY since he had dumped me but still, after a few days I finally started to be disappointed that he would not drop a line LOL.
So I started to “stalk” him even if not in my friendlist anymore -_-. I noticed that he would start to log in a lot again, meaning he would “start over” and meet girls probably…
Also the day after receiving my last message/I deleted him, he would change his profile, putting new pictures in the exact style of my own new pictures (he used to take colorful fresh young pictures of his avatar but now he would use my same new style, chiaroscuro showing class and melancholia). His avatar used to be a very young innocent-looking one, now he got it matured.
I would start to get involved into new stories, activities and roleplays in this virtual world, focusing about other things to get over him and I would among other things put in my profile a link to my “virtual Art”. Yesterday when getting back to the website exposing my virtual photographies, I noticed there he had created himself an account on it (with nothing in it) the moment I had provided my link in my profile…therefore apparently to check my stuffs…so another hint that he may be stalking me too… I have spent days changing my profile again and again trying to create myself a new persona to start over and partly pathetically to SHOW him that I was getting over him, but eventually I got tired and understood that “less is more”. I have reset everything today, got back to who I am/was, got my profile almost empty just displaying my beautiful chiaroscuro pictures and my art link, not trying to “show how great I am” anymore through poems, songs, funny memes etc.Also in real life I went out more, having great laughs with friends, I worked out more etc, but still it did not change anything about my feelings for him.
I also started this last week to casually date a sweet and very handsome man who was pursuing me these last 3 months. I got honest right away with what I could and could not give him, not into something serious etc. He was all fine with that but he still came on very strong, we had good times and good sex and although my gamer would still be in my heart FIRST, (I would still think about him day and night and would even wake up multiple times in the night thinking of him -I know that’s crazy-), I would start to be more engaging with this man because it felt good and I just wanted to go with the flow, enjoy the moment. And of course that’s the moment he started to PULL AWAY. LMAO. Men are such jokes !!
Of course with this one I don’t feel any need to chase, it’s just so “funny” to see this pattern in so many men, whatever there reasons are !Anyway, all of this showed me that what I miss in life in general is this : adventure, adrenalin. I actually have spent this last few years wishing to “settle down in an ordinary life” when it’s all the contrary of who I am. It was like to “tame” myself because adventure is exhausting and scary too :p. But it’s not working. I need ADVENTURE again. So I’m currently thinking about new life projects, about new LIFESTYLE completely, so that I can get this adventure/adrenalin/joy/intense connection feeling with MY LIFE instead of through men, who are such unreliable creatures xD.
I still think there’s nothing more enjoyable than being madly in lust and love and to be desired and loved the same in return. Even if based on illusion, even if based on hormons or whatever.
But I understand you can’t count on this to make you a good life, it’s too uncertain and very rarely lasts !Hugs
Charlotte
Hi,
It is me again as this thread has become my diary or recovery and helps me tons! 😊I have removed him (not blocked) from my friend list in game and other apps.
I have sent him a short message/note in game that he will see when he’ll come back (he does not come back everyday anymore) to close properly this chapter.
And I feel SO MUCH BETTER.I am not waiting desperately anymore for him to contact me again, I hate being passive in life, I need to decide my own life. It is done, I am free 🤗
Hello coach Spyce 😃
First sorry for my spelling mistakes from my previous message and probavby this one to cone too, I am writing on my phone now instead of my computer so it is more messy^^.
My mom would have demands on me on multiple subjects like I had to be the best/perfect and when I would say no or say that I want something else, she would tell me I am self-centered and when someone treated me bad it was like I was making a big deal of it, was maybe guilty of it and at best had the right to ignore the person but not to truly defend myself. This is how I internalized that my needs are selfish.
My dad was not really in the picture until late because as he said to me and regrets, he would pull away in this cave, trying to protect himself first from the never ending demands of my mom. But he has been later very present, helpful and always accepted and loved me and my sisters unconditionally.Yes the red flags are hard to determine because I always tell to myself ” ppl can’t be perfect, we all have our flaws, are lying to ourselves, so I better be cautious but not reject the person making quick judgments”
Yes I think you are right my gamer is probably ashamed. Still I could talk to him if I wanted because he just hid his online status but I find this pathetic and insulting. He does not want me to come talk to him, know when he is online while still guessing for sure that of course I know that he did that because “it shows”.
Yes even if things are getting better I am still somewhat obsessed by him. I have a hard time letting go, processing the fact that this amazing connection we had/seemed to have, is now broken suddenly.
Also on this game you can have sex, make love, which we did together, he would voice directly and I would hear his words, moans and having an orgasm directly into my ears while watching our avatars having sex. I know this sounds funny from the outside but when you are in and you hear is incredible sexy voice and him being so imaginative and good with words, I promise it releases crazy chemicals into your brain and it is truly an amazing sex experience, the most important sexual organ being the brain.
^^
And so I am still hooked by him on this part too, like he got me crazy in lust^^Ps : he is the one who would drop lines about wanting me in real life etc, but well he is indeed apparently too immature with too many self issues to fix to live by this…Even maybe he is a player finally…
Hi Coach Spyce!
It is always a pleasure to read you !
Now that you tell me about the red flags indeed I see them xD.
There are few I noticed but of course brushed them off :
– when the magic started between us he pretended that he is the kind of guy who won’t settle for a relationship, who don’t need them and is picky, that he needs passion and spark to live and give the best and that he has that with me and that’s why he wants to go further. I thought yo myself “then why did you spend 2 years long with a rebound girl”
– which relates also to the fact that when I asked him when we just met, why his avatar was pretty new when he obviously was not considering the level of his appearance and knowledge of the game he said that he left his previous avatar with his ex (the poor rebound girl) because he does not want her to see what he is doing now with his second life,his new girlfriends/partners.!!!Well for someone who does not need relationships but apparently always have them finally in just 2,5 years spent in this game while I had just something casual once for a couple of months in 11 years spent in this game, that is pretty ironic !
It is so easy to deny red flags 😆, I just find excuses and knew that of course he needs relationships despite what his ego said, but I would find this cute 😆.R8ght now I go out more often and am about to maybe date in real life not looking for something serious but just having the need to see that other men are out there and that I can spend good time with them. You have to know that I LOVE men. It is in my gut, whether as friends, casual relationships or serious relationships they fascinate me, their energy, their voices, their laughs, their bodies, I am hooked by them. Even though they are full of defects like all of us, I love them. Maybe because I have the chance to have an amazing dad I don’t know :).
But well I think I am really right to look at other men right now because 2 days ago, when I logged on in my game I have realized that my gamer “blocked me”, like I can not see whether he is online or not! We are still in each other friendlist, can see each other profiles etc but he hid is online status to me ! That was like a punch in the stomach !
So because I know a tip to know the online status of someone I could see that he indeed actually was back online after 12 days away and the day after I changed one of the picture on my profile, the picture showing normally the real me that I replaced with a cute funny meme, he changed one of the picture of his avatar (he never change his profile basically), with a picture of a lower quality than the one he had picture…but taken by some other girl and not by him !!! At least the picture has been taken before him and I even met but still why put this non interesting picture when he had such a beautiful one before if it was not for me to see he “has” girl(s). Well I am almost for sure paranoid on this but still it is what comes to my mind.
I really need to take him out of my system he is not deserving me it is more and more crystal clear.I think I give and am willing to connect to any man that makes me feel good. Although my mother taught me to be what others expect from me but not expecting anything from them, like I must consider myself whatever someone gives me. It is not something she did on purpose but this is how she programmed me and then would send me mixed/contradictory values which would confuse me a lot and I am working on all of this.
Thank you again and have a beautiful day 🤗
Oh and thank you very much for all your compliments ♥ ♥ ♥
And you’re right I can imagine my gamer being depressed although he’s very vivid, bright and funny…he lives with roomates and have friends who come over, but still he spends really enormous amount of time just playing video games, sleeping and watching movies. It seems he goes out only to meet with his family which is very important in his life. He mentioned that in the past he had a very important insomnia who had put a huge toll on his well-being.
Also I know that on the game we met, not so long ago he had a girlfriend on it, for 2 years long !! But he was not really into her, she was his rebound girl for a previous lovestory that left him very depressed. He told me that he was now totally 100% over his previous relationships and 100% whole hearted again but well, when he falls for me, he runs away, so he might not feel anything for his previous girlfriends anymore but he’s apparently not ready to love 100% again. I know men have a hardest time, compared to women, to heal their love wounds…Thank you again so much for offering me your time, kindness and professionnal help.
What you say about my gamer resonates with me, I think you’re right, he simply “can’t live up to the fantasy that he created and he knows it. He likely feels shame about that, and so rather than face the truth, he retreated.”
Yes I’ve read about attachement theory and indeed my ex and I, it was absolutely an anxious/avoidant style.
I think the first man that made a promise he did not come through on was my first love when I was a teen, who cheated on me and acted like it was not a big deal, and another is the man I have been for the longest time, almost 8 years. After we broke up, after a few months I wanted him back or cut all our contacts to be able to move forward. Because I was so sad, so desperate, this heartbreak caused me even a kind of anorexia, I could not eat and would loose 10 kg in a month. But as he could not imagine not being in contact with me anymore, he would think that he would like to get back with me too, so he would say “yes let’s get back together” and we would start to make projects and everything, but he would change his mind just a few hours or days after. It happened like 7 TIMES !!! I’m not mad at him at all for this now (and now we keep contact time to time through texts 🙂 ) because I understand what was happening in his mind and heart as well as mine but these events were very very difficult.
I am happy, my last days have been wonderful. I have given and received much love from my friends and today have visited with one of them a city I’m in love with, with a beautiful sea and awesome energy. It gave me hope and confidence for the future.
Still, I keep thinking about my gamer a lot, I’ve almost sent him a text yesterday night but hopefully refrained ! :p
Sometimes I have “pulsions” like this, where I crave for him like crazy, but I don’t loose hope because doing all these other things and being with so many people whom I love and who loves me too, make me move forward. I am so lucky to be surrended by so much Love.Thank you so so so so so much Coaches for your kind, full of empathy words and your insightful advices.
You truly are HELPING ME a lot just with your kindness and understanding.
And Yes I’m so lucky to get 2 coaches just for me here :D.Also I loved reading “He’s being selfish, immature, and a real jerk.” xD. It helps me to stop idealizing him.
You are right I knew of him what he wanted to tell me. Although what he said did not sound like lies, maybe it was and even without lying, my mind would build a whole “persona” around the little I could know of him I guess.
While gaming, he would voice (a gorgeous sexy voice…just the power of attraction of a voice is outstanding), which means he would talk directly to me like on the phone, and me I was typing because my voice plugin did not work. But then through the texting app we used outside of the game we would share text messages, audio clips so that he could hear my voice too, pictures, and a few short videos etc…
To explain my love life, I have been in and out a relationship with a man for 6 years, a man I was madly in love with, who was all the contrary of my gamer about his “communication style”…he was not expressing his feelings at all and would make me waste my time for years : running after me, telling me everything I wanted to hear, crying, begging etc ONLY when I was tired of his indifferent non-romantic behavior and would stop the relationship, but being indifferent again romantically (just a good “comfortable” friend) like just 2 days after we got back together. As he has a very hard past/childhood I would explain and excuse his behavior because of his traumas etc. It happened too many times but the last time was the last straw because he did it again and worse : we were separated for 1 year, he started to see a therapist, he then promised me marriage and to buy a home together to get me back, and when I accepted, that he then moved with me to the new apartment I would rent for myself, he finally got back on his word about everything, little by little always with good excuses… It finally broke my emotional bound to him, totally. That was a few months ago only.
I was not ready to be into a new relationship again at the moment I met my gamer but would need to “dream”, be in fantasy, which is why I immersed myself into this game and why I guess, I fell so hard for this man. And only after 3 days knowing him, my heart was willing and ready to meet him in real life already.
It’s so “funny” how promises can be empty. We promised to each other that we would never leave each other (in game at least), that it would be forever and ever and in a blink of an eye, after just a few weeks, poof, he’s gone.
I see by writing all of this what my problem is : I believe too much in words, in promises and men are so good with them… I am a dreamer and even if I’m used to really take actions in my life, even if dreams for me are really the first steps to my actions (that’s why I love dreams/promises and tend to believe in them because those I have for me I do realize them !)…but when they imply another person and not just me, I should not, because most people/men are not reliable…I truly wish I’ll be able to experience this amazing attraction and connection in REAL with a man, and that it will be the ONE this time, that it will be genuine, real and will last a long long long long time…I am a hopeless romantic since I’m a very very little girl and it’s like I’m somewhat yearning for the “Lost Eden”, and meeting my gamer fantasy boy was like finding this “Lost Eden” again.
Still, realizing that his behavior was coward and weak at the best and narcissistic/manipulative at the worst helps me already to heal little by little.
Little Hi Jenny, just to tell you that you’re brave and you are very touching ♥. Men can be mesmerizing and we can love them so much even when they are not worthy.
I wish you the best, just through your words we can tell the beautiful woman you are already.
Hugs.Sooooo I have deleted all my messages that had followed his “break-up” message, as I was pouring my heart out and he did not reply to them. Whatever his (good) reasons may be, I’m not comfortable having the content of my heart displayed in the “void” like this.
Even if he did not mean to do that, I feel like he lovebombed me (he’s the one who came on very strong and I followed, even if I felt this amazing connection right away, I would be more cautious basically but I finally abandoned myself to him as he was abandoning himself to me ) and then left me. He invited me to rise up to the stars with him, we touched them, he kinda promised that we had so many galaxies to explore but finally he suddenly went back to earth and left me in the cold dark space.
Right now, I am a bit mad at him. His behavior is not fair. He should have tried to discuss his feelings with me, to talk about his worries for real life with me, instead of running away. He thought only about him no matter how nice his words were. You don’t leave someone whom you like that much and who likes you so much just “like that” without discussing together these important things. That shows you don’t really care about hurting their feelings, you’re just thinking about yours !
Also, I have lost hope. I think he won’t come back, he probably got over me already, he so does not want to be with me apparently, I have to forget him and move on.Thank you so much Spyce for your kind response.
Actually I’m more living outside because my work takes me long hours, and I sometimes have dinners or things like that with coworkers, but outside of this work I’m a homebody too even if I like to visit new places time to time but mostly my free time is spent at home like a bear xD. So I think our lifestyles could fit well.
I know that I don’t know what the scent of his skin is, how it is to have him in my arms but it’s like it’s details compared to the fact that our connection is based on the important things (well, except that it’s over for the most important one : wanting to be together -at least in game – no matter what…). I think when these important things are here, the rest will follow even if at first it may feel awkward.I have sent him my new message yesterday, before getting your response, I wanted him to get it for Valentine’s Day, and I did everything that you advice me not to do hahaha.
It’s a huge message saying that I value our connection too much to give up, that I want to be with him in real life, that I don’t want to live out of fear but out of passion because that’s the only way to live a great life (something he used to say…) and then I tell him that if he feels the same, what if we had no fear of failure and would live wholeheartedly, what if he did not have to renounce to his other goals while still having me etc etc. I have also put some humour, some hero triggers and without saying “I love you” (we never said this to each other, these words are too “sacred”) I have described my feelings in a way that tells it all. I summarize here because it’s really huge.
Now I regret a little bit. Not because of the things I say (even if maybe now he’s totally in another place in his heart and my text might look “pathetic” to him then, but it’s OK I prefer to be real) but because I’m not sure he even read it. Let me explain : we text through a gamer app, there is no way to see if someone reads your message, but he used to came on this app only for me and now it’s been since he told me that he had to stop that it seems he did not come. Even though we can appear offline but actually check our messages and even reply, but well since he did not reply a word to my huge message, I guess he does not even come so that he’s not tempted (and finally maybe even my message before for when he “broke up” he did not read it because I had absolutely no feedback from him !!). And I don’t like the idea that he will maybe read this message only in a few weeks…When I’ll be for sure in a different mood already (still loving him but in a different mood). My message had to be read on the moment ! I don’t know if what I feel is understandable ?
Now I don’t like how I feel.
I’m even hesitating seriously to delete it and also the one I had sent him before and that finally he maybe did not read either…I don’t like at all the idea of pouring my heart out in the “void”. It somewhat hurts my self-esteem. Oh maybe he has read them and just do not answer but still I don’t like that.
Maybe the time that you reply I’ll have delete these messages already…What do you think ?
My state of mind is shifting a little bit tonight for me actually…Like I want a man in love enough to dare to imagine a future with me, at least to discuss it, to see if there’s a solution instead of running away. I don’t want to have to “convince” him.
Thank you again so much <3
