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I think the next step for me is clear. I need to walk away. If you’re picking up feelings from me and he is too but I’m denying them there’s nothing left for me to do but go. If he were denying something too maybe that’d be different but if everyone’s instincts are aligned that I’m feeling more but running on “hope” that’s just not going to work. I had fun and it’s exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to know if growth could be possible but discovered it might be….it’s just one sided. Well, that’s not fair to me. I won’t stick around to be hurt if I can see it coming like a train in slow motion. Thank you for the insight.
Well, it felt very confusing for starters because I’m actually quit emotionally distant and didn’t understand what he was “picking up” from me that would make him think I wanted more. I don’t contact him, I wait for him to come to me, I don’t share important details about my life just silly stories about the day/week, I’m not touchy feely, flirty or anything like that. I’m EXTREMELY guarded. So I asked him what it was that was sending him that message and he couldn’t really answer. He just said “You’re not really doing anything. It’s me. I have a lot going on that I’m still processing.” To which I said “okay” he continued with “I do wonder sometimes if you’re wanting more out of this than what I’m capable of giving right now. It’s not fair to you and you deserve to get what you’re wanting.” This is where I explained that I love how things are etc., and he agreed things were good. Shortly after this I did tell him I was uncomfortable talking about relationships and commitment and unless he still wanted to I’d rather not anymore right now. He said “sounds good” I left it at that for him to process or contact me when he was ready. Which he did.
I may or may not slowly give him little pieces of me, but if I decide to it’s going to be because it absolutely feels right. As for now I’m not sure if it’s even possible for this to grow into anything more so I’ll keep my pieces to myself and remain guarded, controlled and calculated in what I’m doing because that feels safest to me. I’ll continue to enjoy what we have and I guess if I see him starting grow and give pieces I’ll know if I should too.
My biggest fear comes from trusting men. I can say this without a doubt or hesitation. It’s when I start to feel like I’m getting to close, there’s a fear of when will “it come” (the physical pain or psychological torment) that washes over me that I haven’t been able to shake. While I do feel safe with him and like I can trust him, I can’t say this fear of the fear isn’t needling at me.
Meanwhile, over the weekend he and I had a pretty good conversation about things. I used some of the conversation tips I have read in the material from the program to allow him to “lead” the conversation. He said he was concerned that I wanted more than he thought he was capable of giving right now. And I let him know that I love how things are right now, to me this is perfect! I want to let things grow naturally at their own pace if they can but I’m really enjoying being in the moment. I don’t like the boy meets girl, girl likes boy instant couple scenario because that’s how it’s supposed to be. I told him I honestly don’t know what I’m capable of giving either. He said he really likes me and enjoys our time together. So I said “good, let’s not rock that boat yet”. He agreed. Afterwards, I just left him to his thoughts and didn’t say anything more until today when he texted me.
My old pattern of “not saying anything” was during abusive situations and while I was (for lack of a better word) trapped in a marriage. I know myself well enough to know that when my needs aren’t being met I would NOT stick around for the connection but will run before having an uncomfortable talk that leads to awkward feelings. While I realize this is still not using my voice, I feel I’m still choosing myself over him or the relationship in a way.
Maybe you’re right about my heart being more involved than I realize because there’s something about the way he touches me, looks at me, and never really seems ready for me to go, that I don’t know says maybe it’s something more than casual for him as well and he just doesn’t want to admit yet either (but maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part I don’t know). Not so much in our apart communication but when we are together he seems “all in” with me. Non-stop conversation about everything. He’s definitely shared way more than I have. I’m far more distant and guarded. Even called myself “man repellent” for being a distant running type of girl lol. He got a pretty good laugh out of that haha.
I want to change my pattern of “running” IF it is warranted in this situation. I know I can ride out the storm. I’m just trying to figure out if I should when the storm hits. I say when because if I know me there will come a time when it absolutely WILL hit me that I have to go.
He is easy, he is slow and not complicated. It’s not all about rushing into anything. I can ask him his opinion on about anything and get great solid advice I can trust. It’s a gut feeling that he’s a really good guy. He’s not trying to hard to say or do anything to impress me and I love that. There’s just no pressure of any kind. He challenges me to be a little better without even knowing it. For example he’s a police officer so I used to speed A LOT…not so much anymore lol, He said he gets 10k steps in a day so I decided, I can do that too. That’s become something we send each other almost every night. It’s almost become a cute little game lol. So far it’s just fun and easy and makes me smile.
I’m absolutely open to speaking to your coach. I would love to say goodbye to my demons for good instead of lock them away as long as possible. I appreciate you, your words and time!
Oh gosh, this is hard. I guess it’s having a voice. When things gets hard, real, complicated or whatever it’s just easier for me to run than confront. Historically, I’ve been shut out, dismissed, smacked and even hospitalized for saying something. As a child it was shut up and put up as I was mishandled by my stepdad then grandfather. So the shutting down just runs deep, no matter how much therapy I’ve been through. It’s just a part of me. My ex-husband of 16 years wasn’t physically abusive and was extremely gentle but very dismissive. Dismissiveness hurts worse than anyone realizes. I don’t hold anyone responsible for the abuse I’ve been through except for my abusers, and I’ve even forgiven them because that’s who I am. I don’t have time for anger and resentment. However, their actions did still shape me into who I am and I know I self sabotage. I guess that’s why I’m seeking some advice on this particular situation because if there’s a remote possibility of anything more, maybe I can try to find my voice, maybe I can push past the need to run. He is definitely a little different than anyone else I’ve been with.
Well, right now things are great the way they are. I absolutely love the no pressure of our relationship. I’m just thinking about if I start feeling like I actually do want more because of how easy things are with him. For now I’ll leave well enough alone. I guess time will tell for me. I just don’t want to set myself up for failure. After many years of abuse and mistreatment already behind me I have walls up and am extremely guarded so finding someone safe (which he absolutely is) makes it a little harder to sift through what I might want long term. I don’t want to rush but I also don’t want to be “stuck” if that makes sense.
Yes, it makes perfect sense. IF I start feeling something more I will need to get out to avoid getting hurt. I am pretty good at shutting down and pushing people away so that shouldn’t be a problem. That being said I can also let people in, when the time is right for me! I will just keep being me (which really is pretty great) and let the chips fall where they will, what will be will be, what won’t, won’t. If he can’t eventually see more, that’d be his loss not mine, I still have me!
