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I have an update on my marriage situation and I think I need an advice on that too. So I have been really upset lately because of everything I guess and yesterday I decided I would use the free counseling service I can access as one of the benefits from work. So when I was on the phone with them my husband called several times on FaceTime and I didn’t pick up. I think when he called third time I had to pick it up and he started asking who I was talking too. He himself doesn’t believe in counseling or any sort of psychological/emotional support from strangers so I didn’t want to tell him I was talking to counseling and started lying that I was talking to my mom. He asked me to send him the screenshot of my last phone conversation record and I panicked and deleted it from the list of calls. And I eventually admitted that I was talking to counseling because I was upset about us fighting all the time. But he didn’t believe I was talking to counseling either and said that he thought that I was cheating on him and was talking to either my lover or some former “friend”. And because I deleted the last call I had no way to prove that I was actually calling an 800 number. We had a very long conversation for about 6-7 hours going back and forth about me lying and he cried saying that in all the time we’ve known each other he never lied or cheated and that I just went behind his back and betrayed him. I tried telling him that I loved him and was upset about us fighting but he said that he could see I wasn’t sincere and the weird thing is it did feel like I wasn’t telling the truth when I said I loved him and I couldn’t even cry, even though I could hardly stop crying just half an hour before our conversation. He has also asked me to send him a screenshot of my text messages and I did and one of the latest texts there was from our daughter’s swim coach because she was disqualified yesterday on the meet and I was asking him why. So my husband asked to see all the texts with the coach and then started saying that something did not add up there. The last text before the meet was from 2 months ago when she started coughing in the pool and he asked to pick her up. So anyway he said that we should either divorce or continue living together just for the sake of our daughter but he is not going to be involved in the live of the older kids at all because they don’t respect him and that he can never trust me so he doesn’t think our living arrangement should be the husband and wife kind. And I think he eventually believed that I was calling the counseling service but he somehow thinks of that as betrayal as much as cheating and that I was just trying to create a record of him being abusive so that I could use it later when I needed something against him. Now, this is a lot of ranting….
Thank you for getting back to me. The new man is my neighbor and we started talking while walking our dogs. When we started talking I almost immediately felt a strong attraction towards him. Then we started texting all the time and talked about a lot of different things and it felt like he had been my best friend forever. He also told me that I had been his fantasy since the moment he noticed me, which was slightly earlier than I noticed him. Anyway it was going just 2 months, so maybe you are right and there is nothing to work on here, but it did feel very real. We have not discussed seriously leaving our spouses as that would be too early in the relationship, especially considering that we are not in early 20s but in our 40s and have kids. His youngest used to be in the same class as my oldest when they were in elementary school and he remembered that (I to be honest, had to look at the yearbook to figure out who his kid was), but this is not relevant to the situation. I’ve read through some other posts and saw that good sex can be like a drug addiction, so maybe that is all that is there, but both of us felt a very strong emotional connection when that happened and neither of us ever cheated on our spouses before. He has been married over 20 years, me – 11 years (together with my husband 13 years). I don’t know why but it didn’t feel like just a fling and it still doesn’t. The feelings I have toward him feel a lot stronger than I ever did towards either of my husbands and I’ve only been upset with a break up as much as I am now was when I learned that my ex wanted to leave me when I was pregnant. I can already predict that your advice will be to try to forget about it and work on my marriage or if the marriage to fall apart anyway to look for someone else. But this is not really what I am here to ask, but how to rebuild (or restart) the relationship after ruining it by a very stupid thing such as too many texts.
