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Hi Heidi,
I absolutely agree. The pro and con is that I am actually a therapist, so have a deep theoretical but also personal understanding of trauma. I am still working through separation from a 15 year marriage with a narcissist that beat me down to little self worth. He could lie, cheat, steal, and I would always hope that he would change and it would get better. I know this comes from my childhood wounds, the hope that it will get better, but it didn’t. I have never been treated well, not by my mother, not by my husband, and so this guy really showed me what it means to be swept off my feet. He gave me comfort during this difficult time in my separation. I know I need to lean on myself, and I am pushing so hard, through self care and therapy and know it will be a long journey. I did like his companionship and he was a great distraction from the heaviness of my ongoing separation.That makes total sense Heidi. I really value your wisdom and insights. Is there a way that I can stay connected to your coaching? I could sure use a guide!
Thanks for your fast reply Heidi. My hope with the 12 word is it would help us reconnect. I know deep down I need and deserve someone to do that on their own, this is just someone I really hoped it could have been with. He suggested we be “causal” but I wasn’t sure if that meant I was de-valuing myself because he’s also seeing other people. Can people authentically date multiple people?
Thank you Heidi. I actually sent an email to see if you might be available for a coaching session and was pleasantly surprised at what popped up on your site – your focus on narcissism! I know my roots with a narcissist parent and then husband of 12 years eroded my sense of self, and I have been deeply involved in trauma therapy to heal, and I continue this. I am balancing that alongside this new “dating world” since I was married before online dating even existed. I am wondering how James’ work and the 12 word text would come in. He writes about getting the attention of someone you’ve ended with, and I wonder if I can do that here? This man has his own attachment injuries, we’re both counsellors so I can see his clearly. He’s all left brain logic, and in the moments we’re together he was present in the moment and amazing, and then it would be the space that brought the call of reflecting on the facts. I wish he could just stay in the moment and we could explore this more.
Hi again,
I just wanted to add, how do you balance giving space and not being forgotten? He said he’s never had anyone challenge him in the way I do. That I am a rare mix of “stunningly beautiful and incredibly intellectually stimulating”.Hi Heidi,
Thanks for your reply. I should have added in my initial post this is a colleague I’ve known for years, but only recently shifted our conversations from work to flirting and he picked up right away and said we had an exciting energy he’d like to explore. I just had an amazing weekend with him, and at the end said I went into it as a goodbye because I know I need and want more than being “causal” as he suggested. Do you have any advice now? Should I just not talk to him and if he comes around I’ll be polite? Is it best to give space and maybe he’ll realize he does miss me? Thanks so much for your direction. I really do struggle to see my value.Hi Heidi,
Thanks so much for your reply. I appreciate this and think it’s a really great perspective. I can see your point about this being a standard of how I’m treated, I just wish it could be with him. He said that he would love to keep doing what we’ve been doing, but would also be dating other people to be fair to himself to find “that” person. I don’t know how to be casual and if that would actually be me disrespecting myself, or if I should go with it and just have no expectations but see where it leads. I really enjoyed HIM, you know. Guess there’s no way to have him just go with it and not have to put limits so early?
