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A few years back I tried to talk to my ex about going to a therapist when he mentioned his concerns with being a father/husband; but he shut it down. Just like when he mentioned going to a couple therapist to work on our relationship and I agreed to it he shut it down. I need to let it go and let him figure out himself while I work on myself.
In my experience from watching my parents relationship throughout the years I watched them struggle together but still support one another in the end. Their relationship wasn’t perfect by any means but I admired that even through their hardships, their yelling and their good times they had each others backs. They were married for 45 years until my dad passed way. I have never excepted to be in a “picture perfect relationship” but have always wanted to find a partner I can love with all of my heart and grow old with with.
As you stated I will need to do some deep self -reflection to find out why I choose to go down this path with my ex and really find out what I want in a partner. I think this will be very beneficial for me. One thing I know I need to work on is myself. I have always been that person who puts other needs before own.
Thank you Heidi for the insight on my relationship!
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your insight on this. I thought I was being irrational thinking his reasons were “BS” but I started to doubt myself because this wasn’t the first time. Looking back on our relationship three years ago he broke up with me for very similar reasons; but instead of telling me he didn’t want to marry me or have kids with me he told me he did not think he was good enough for me. Then changed his mind with in hours after I sat him down to really find out what was going on. One thing that he mentioned then that was brought up again during the last brake up was he stated ” he did not think he could be a good father or provider. I reassured him that he was his own man and he would be a great father. I listed some of his best qualities to show him he was more then capable of being a great day and partner. I know his father left him, his mom and sister when he was really guy. He has never had a father figure in his life. His mom raise him and his sister and never really had a strong stable relationship with a man; and this is true still to this day.
When we were living with his grandparents for a brief period before we bought the house together we were going through a rough patch and I told him then ” That maybe we needed to brake up because he was having doubts about buying a house together. I told him I didn’t want to buy a house with someone who is on the fence about it. It was a big step for our relationship and maybe it would be better if we went out separate ways.” I gave him an out then and he didn’t take it. Why “string someone along for three years? I just do not understand why nor do I get it.
This time I just didn’t have it in me to reassure him during the brake up. It literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when he told me he didn’t want to marry me or have kids with me. I never pressured him into either but this was something I want and have been upfront about. I over looked his flaws because I loved him but he was to busy finding them in me. I think you are right. I need to let him go and focus on myself. If he really wanted to be with me he would be putting in an effort too.
Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this.
