[Oana V]

Hi,

Thank you for the advice!
This is actually my current plan, to work on myself and grow as a person. At the end of the day, everybody likes a confident woman.

Thank you,
Oana

[Oana V]

Hi,
Thank you for having me and helping me out.

This whole ‘i’m not the one’ thing triggered in him when i asked the stupid question ‘wouldn’t you like to be with someone that makes you happy like the instagram couples’, although my intent was to ask him to show me more love so we can become like them, because i never in my mind imagined that we would ever be with someone else. This conversation happened probably in July or August, i really forgot because of all these traumatic events, my mind feels blank and can’t place painful events anymore.
But do note that he went to Liverpool at the end of June, so it was prior to any discussion.
I have to say that asking that question is the biggest regret of my life because it allowed him to doubt our relationship. He actually told me that he always thought that he had to sacrifice his happiness for mine and that we would always be together even though there were some differences between us. So that question made him think about other options.

Related to the sexual incompatibilities, after a specific age i started to lose my sex drive, i think especially because i was on the pill for many years, which i had to quit because they made me severely depressed, to the point of actually thinking about taking my own life although nothing bad was happening in my life. My mind was just under a dark cloud and i felt like i couldn’t escape the pain that was basically triggered by no real life event.
So i would have a sex drive maybe once every 2 months, but we would have regular sex – but he would notice that i wouldn’t always be in the mood. And i had the stupid habit of not kissing him during the act (not every time), which he would actually love to do. I do believe that we had great experiences, i wouldn’t say that our whole sex life sucked, it was amazing, but from time to time, not enjoyed by me (which as i mentioned earlier, he’d notice and probably feel less of a man for not being able to please me).

The way i was able to fix it in this last period (2 months or so) is because of the huge trauma i experienced, feeling like my whole life was crumbling apart and because i realized i could lose him i began to love him even more than before and want him like never before (even more than in the beginning of the relationship). I’m thinking this is like that feeling you get when you’re deprived from something, you actually want it even more. So i decided i needed to start to embrace my own body and start to like myself more, watched a few youtube videos of how to like your body more and i actually started to be into myself more, which helped a lot. I started doing things that i refused to do before and i actually feel very comfortable doing, i am kissing him every time and actually enjoy it, i am basically enjoying every part of it. I was always of the idea that i being more passionate, would not like his approach which is a little more aggressive, but turns out i like the aggressiveness as well. Being comfortable in my own body played a huge part in this.

Related to meeting Puffin, they only met in Liverpool, at the end of June, as she lives in UK, i doubt they met while we were in Romania together.
During our big arguments revolving around her he denied vehemently to ever sleep with her, he said they only met to meditate together.
A little background here over the meditation stuff – while we were in Ro, 6 years ago, we used to attend group meditations and at some point one girl started to attend the lessons, for a few times. She was a person that could sing opera (not sure if she was a singer, we knew nothing about her, she was like a mystery). Even i noticed she was somewhat special, not sure how to explain it, not seeming like a human being, but like an entity, especially when she was singing (she did that in a retreat to the mountains, in a cave, the sound was magical). He told me that he always felt a deep connection with that person, and he saw in one meditation that he was supposed to protect her, like a bodyguard. That girl vanished and we never heard of her after, ever. But he always remembered her.
When he started talking to Puffin a year ago, she was searching for peace of mind to be able to get over the struggles she had with her daughter. He guided her to meditation and apparently discovered she was very similar to that girl, soul wise. Basically he felt like he had a big connection with Puffin as well, he told me they were able to communicate through meditation alone. He also told me that she is very special to him, but insisted that not in a romantic way because it’s not possible (Puffin being married).

Now i am not certain they did anything in Liverpool, as i am highly analytical and overthink every aspect of my life, analyzing what i was able to read from their messages is the following:
– he was addressing her with babe, but never mentioned anything sexual, just talking about daily stuff, but sharing too many personal details which annoys me (like we just got a car, he told her that)
– she would never address him in any way, no nickname, not even by his name, and would talk normally, again no sexual references, just emotional, like sending hug emojis all the time, she would talk about her daughter and how she sometimes fights with the husband, etc, but he would never mention me.
– then the last message he sent her that i was able to see was the one i wrote, i never got to see her reply, which killed me inside.
During the argument i showed him the message and asked him to explain why would he send her a message like that since he never sends me anything close to that. He said it’s not what i imagine, it’s a special bond that they have, which he cannot give up, and i shouldn’t take the message that literal or serious.
Now i can understand that, but the wording is what kills me, i cannot stand being in 2nd place in his life. He may not ever be able to be with her, but he’ll always cherish her and consider her number one, soul wise.

My goal, after purchasing James book, was to change this and make him love me again with passion (he does love me and doesn’t want to break my heart but this is not enough for me, i am a highly competitive person and i could never stand to not be the main focus of his life, as he is in mine).
So far it worked good for us, but still seeing him message her, annoys me too much and messes with my self esteem.
If i’d know for sure that she doesn’t have any inappropriate feelings for him i would be more at peace, i don’t want for the fact that she’s married to be the only impediment to a relationship between them. I want to be sure she would never try to pursue anything. He did mention at some point that she told him that if them having conversations would hurt our relationship, she’ll stop, but he said that it’s not the case. He’ll handle it. Eventually it didn’t work as he planned, but i assume she doesn’t know we had all these arguments about her. That’s why i was thinking if you believe it’s appropriate for me to contact her, assuming she’d never tell him, to ask about what she feels about all this.

I will not give up trying to better myself and work on our relationship, i am hoping that some day my charms will work and make him focus on me and consider me ‘the one’ as in James book he mentions that anyone ca be the one if they know how to turn a man towards them. I hope this is true.

I do want to mention that i feel guilty of being too stupid in the past and taking everything for granted and not work more to better myself. I can be a very hateful person, and this for sure doesn’t attract any man. I wish i knew what was in the book at an earlier age to not make so many mistakes. I am a highly adaptable person although i may refuse change in the beginning, eventually i end up seeing the advantages if the change is positive.

If i eventually find out that he cheated while in Liverpool at least i will have enough reason to give up on the relationship, although i did mention to him that if he tells me the truth we can work things out, i just want the truth because i cannot stand lies. That was my only condition.

This is a situation i never thought i would face in my entire life. I always thought that if a woman will come between us, even if not necessarily cheating, i would walk away. But here i am facing this situation and i found out it’s not that easy to walk away, because of what we built together, because of what we achieved together. Everything in my life is connected to him.

Hope this clears the question you had, what would your advice be?
Thank you,
Oana Voicu

[Oana V]

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[Oana V]

Part 2

Once i read this my soul sank, i couldn’t look further in the chat for other conversations, but i did notice that there were no sexual innuendos and she wasn’t addressing him with a nickname, just talking normally.

I contacted my friend trying to calm down and met with her to come up with a plan.
Just want to mention that because he started seeing some improvement in me, he started to warm up to me again.

I then decided to confront him during the weekend, enough time had passed for me to gain enough strength to not become very emotional during the conversation, i usually cry and can’t bring all my arguments to the table and he dominates the arguments. This time i wrote everything down to make sure i don’t forget anything.

I asked him about this person, who she was as it had a different name than what the contact originally was in his phone, he said it wasn’t that colleague, it was someone insignificant. He said the message didn’t mean anything serious and he will stop talking to Puffins, but won’t stop talking to that colleague of his because she is a very important person for him and i will have to understand that, as they have a great spiritual connection. I was actually fooled by this and let it go for a while, but then i started looking at the pictures online to compare with the profile picture in the chat that Puffins had (it was a closeup of the face wearing sunglasses and it was very hard to tell if it was the colleague or not).

After a few days i reopened the conversation and confronted him about why he lied to me about her identity. He said i wouldn’t understand, he was just trying to protect me. All his contact with her was supposed to be done better to not impact me in any way. I asked if he met with her in Liverpool, at first he denied, then admit he did. I asked multiple times if they had sex when they met, he insisted that no, that they only met to meditate together. He said that he hid all of this because i would never be able to understand their connection, which is not sexual or romantic as it is not possible (because she’s married). I asked if he’s in love with her, and he said no (although the message says otherwise). I asked again to stop messaging her, he said he couldn’t as she’s special to him.
He told me in tears that he feels trapped, that he has 2 options and is torn on which to choose: continue the relationship with me although i am not the one for him and is convinced i never will as we’re 80% compatible (his words), or have an isolated life with a person with which he’ll be 100% compatible as he is sure he can find her if he manifests it (he thinks i was able to buy the house we wanted because he manifested it and he’s very good at it), but he doesn’t want to break my heart as he still loves me and always will.
Because i feel so attached to him and i love him desperately and i cannot imagine my life without him i said i do not accept him to break up with me for him to go and search for another person and asked him if he could stop messaging his colleague late in the evening as i think it’s disrespectful to her husband.

Another thing to mention is that i created a fingerprint on his phone and never deleted it because i thought he’ll delete it himself once i confront him with the screenshot of the message.

We started to get along very well after this, he started trying again, warmed up to me, i stopped being needy, trying to work more on myself to become more confident, etc.
1 or 2 weeks later he found the extra fingerprint and asked me about it – for some reason i panicked and said it wasn’t mine, trying to laugh it off. Obviously he asked me to try it and it unlocked his phone, then he became very upset, i tried to explain to him that i thought he deleted it and didn’t think of it and never tried to unlock his phone ever (which was true) and that i apologize for lying. He left furious and came back a few hours later. Meanwhile i contacted my friend again and she calmed me down. I wrote a letter to him to explain how betrayed i feel about this whole situation and that i never went through his phone before but this time i was forced by the circumstances and because he lied. He told me that the colleague told him that if their conversations impact our relationship they should stop but he assured her he’ll be careful and he called himself stupid for coming to this situation.
Again, after lots of tears and discussions, we calmed down and he assured me everything will be ok between us.
Since then he has been lovely, very warm, the sex has been amazing, but once the holidays ended he started talking to her multiple times a day (he’s not hiding it, probably to not make me insecure) – which triggers my anxiety levels through the roof, i hate it, i simply hate it and i want it to stop, but i don’t want to bring up the discussion again, as we’re in very good terms now.

I feel the urge to contact her to have a confidential discussion with her to understand what her feelings are towards him, why does she need to talk to him that much, since she has a husband. I feel stuck, i feel like i have no options and it eats me inside that i don’t know what they’re talking about and if he’s still addressing her with those inappropriate nicknames. I think at some point i saw him delete the conversation with her and start a new one.

I feel so lost right now because i don’t know if he’s behaving genuinely now and really loves being with me. Plus that message eats away my confidence, he never said those things to me, but he did to her, what could she possibly say to him to think she’s the most important soul on this world for him.
I wouldn’t think about the message that much if i didn’t see him writing to her that much.
I am aware that she managed to trigger his Hero instinct that’s why he’s so drawn into her. I feel so hurt that she is all that he desires and i am not. I am trying to work to become the one but i fear he may never see me like that because i feel that the connection with her will always impede this.

Apologies for the detailed message but i feel like the whole story needed to be said.

Thank you,
Oana

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