[Katherine M]

Heidi,
Thank you for your response. I very much appreciate the clarity that you have put forth for me.
Sometimes I wonder if the way he grew up had anything to do with the way he approaches his feelings.
The small bits that he has told me make me feel awful for him. You see his mother passed from cancer when he was younger around 12 or 14 I think. He never properly dealt with her death (no counseling said he dealt with it on his own in his own way). His dad dealt by drinking a lot from what he said I have only met his dad a handful of times he’s kinda cookey nice guy and all but has very strong religious views (kinda a flat earther) they actually didn’t bury her until this spring. Her ashes were in his (my ex’s) possession for the last 6 or so years. We were helping his dad some years ago clean out a storage unit and move to another one when she wound up on the seat of the truck and came home with us, until they finally laid her to rest. During his time as a teenager (after her death) his dad remarried to an apparently awful woman (she too was strongly religious) he touched on that part of his life briefly with me but didn’t really go into full detail except the fact that he didn’t like her and thought her kids were Jenks, said he didn’t want to be a part of that family. His dad eventually divorced this woman and picked the 2 of them up and moved them to Hawaii (he still drank a lot) they moved back to the mainland when he graduated high school. The only other bits I know are that he said his dad tried to be his buddy and get him to surf and do fun things that just weren’t his style and that he detests the Eagles and Jimmy Buffet because his dad would drink and listen to the songs (his coping mechanism?). That’s all he really told me I tried to ask more but the anger that he showed when talking about that time in his life and the resentment that he still feels towards his dad I didn’t want to press the issue and upset him.
Sounds like an excuse I know but I am admittedly grasping.
I don’t want to tell my family not just because of the worry or heart break but because he put up part of the down-payment for this house and I know my mother all to well it would put her into a tailspin of worry about the need to pay him back for his investment it’s the 2 of them on the loan and the 4 of us on the deed (fu****g complicated).
I know I am and he isn’t a mind reader and the perspective that you gave that he won’t change from that is awakening for me thank you. Your right as well about his contributions to the shit cake (I genuinely appreciate that perspective being that I’m a chef). I feel like he tried in his own way to make things better with us too after the first time but you are correct that neither of us is a mind reader. After writing all of the things down in my first post (and with your feedback) I have a better clarification about where we are both wrong I’m grateful for that, like I said I didn’t talk to anyone but him about this either time until I wrote it down here.
The percentage of him seeing someone else is mounting as well. Last night he went for a drive. He has been doing this over the last year during the first separation and a little after the reconcile (he goes to get out of the house and to have quiet time to think again with the overthinking) however, I’m not sure what time he got back. I’m pretty sure these other drives lately were to go see that someone. I woke up to his alarm this morning he was in the bed but the bedroom lights were still on (I must have fell asleep with them on along with the television) I dunno. I just feel now I’m up to 99% that he went to see whomever I think he is seeing. I want to confront him about it but don’t want to look like a psyco stalker. I remember telling him a long time ago that if he ever thought about cheating on me that he had better break up with me first because I could handle a breakup easier over infidelity. Maybe this current decision of his for us to be friends is his out to go screw around (hell I gave him that out years ago). I still feel that there is good things to be had between us but realize and have before that he needs to work on himself and seek some kind of help. I also know that you saying his behavior is narcissistic is true and that he has put up these walls to protect himself so high that no one can get in nor will he let them in. I just want him to try with us but don’t think he will.

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