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You are right we do need to talk. We were together 7 months and we stopped having sex. Words mean a lot to him. He doesnt value action much. I do though. Everything now feels like theres a boundary were not ALLOWED to cross for his familys sake
I think thats very accurate especially since the answer to one of your questions was also in another. In the subsequent weeks before we broke up we had two versions of us. One where we were as I said before a unit. Doing all the things we normally do but on a more intimate level from learning new hobbies together to working together to problem solve to hanging out in quiet contentment to exploring more sexually. To also merging some of our old hobbies that we were delighted to found out much earlier we had in common. That area mixed and matched we also sometimes went back to them alone at times during our own me time. We talked about all three past present and future as we learned more about each other. Talked about our goals. Talked about our day together. Enjoyed each other if you know what I mean lol. To the other version of us which was there during and after his families involvement.. Almost everything about our lives they had opinions on.. We talked about that stuff or sometimes we would be left in silence full of both hurt and confusion. Occasional anger of it.. Eventually those silences and discussions because conversations about what to do and how to handle it. Then the fighting started and the fighting at times made him shut down and me to push until hed raise the bar saying i should do this and that instead of this or that. Often times total opposite to what he always said previously and at times even after the argument was over and we had compromised. Then the last argument with the new standards and things said led to me ending it. After that things were normal again. Back to how we normally treated one another. Weve stayed away from sex even though ive caught him looking many times hes been silent about it which is different than before I guess. Mainly though our normal day to day hasnt changed except that we dont share a bed and we dont like you said before air out very much. Weve only talked a small amount about our breakup. Apologies, Whats ok or not as it comes up when it does and thats it… Now I am unsure of what he wants. Ive put out signals that im interested in rekindling things. Ive also just been his friend and support. Ive said a little here and there about what Im interested in now and he starts to discuss things but then seema as if hes holding back. He says things are fine but seems afraid and sad… Sometimes seems angry… And so yes i want wholeness again but ive no idea how or what to do here. Ive been reading the material but as i said hes also vwry in touch with things and seems… Unsure.
Thoughts?
Best wishes for the day
…Hi Spyce! Thanks for getting back to me and i will say first off that youre right about emotions running high all around. Let me say this first Heidi and you are both spot on about one thing, As much as I love him yes his toxic family did leave toxic residue and he is also just both a man and human. When (lets call him Guy for awhile) Guy is angry he says things that are hurtful and mean( he has to be extremely angry to do so). However when this happens I am a bad girl and a pusher. I admit this.. It is not something ive been able to work through yet so I push back. Then.. He says things he doesnt mean and Im sure I do as well. The reason Im telling you this is because.. Before us breaking up there were fights during said fights Guy said things I assume he didnt mean. Because in answer to your question yes Guy has said that. Guy used to say all of those things. That he would not choose, That I was his lady that I and OUR future was his world ect ect things actually in all these books Ive read. Then the fights happened things were said and limits raised and pushing each other, Then I ended things because of what was said. However once we cooled down over a couple weeks we were all normal. Except for one thing we were broken up. Now I feel like hes worried hes stuck with the entire outcome… The whole picture outcome I feel like he feels stuck with both his mine and our decision and the gist of his familys issues as well if this makes any sense. He seems… Regretful of his words and mine to and like he wants to try to talk about but is scared. He and I both are in private therapy seperately as we both come from abusive backgrounds… Im hesitant to say this because its something his family has made me ashamed of even though I know it wasnt my fault. So here him and I are.. Trying to figure out our paths and this and still hold onto everything weve both learned… This is the main reason I think its redeemable though… Because it seems he is trying to continue his growth but scared… Honestly if he wasnt I would of lost interest and fell out of love with him sometime ago. All this being said Im just a woman trying to figure out what moves to make now. Thoughts?
xoxoI think maybe both of us but me. I am one of those women james and your fellow coaches have spoken about before. The ones that have a natural ability to hook a guy. My downfall though is that its just something I do and then I get a little lost sometimes and dont know how I even did it… And then it happens. I mess up and end up doing something OPPOSITE of that ability without again knowing how i hooled him to start and then dont always know how to fix it. Right now is one of those times. Somewhere along the way i as you say and i totally agree or i wouldnt be here but “fell into it” without knowing i was in it. Then was in the me vs them position. Where ive been stuck. I however am a very forgiving but not forgetting person. I am willing to forgive the rest of his family if they will be open to letting me in and accepting me. Here is where we get back to your question Im a constant swirl of emotions when I am figuring and working things out and I think during this time I worded and put out the wrong vibe and made him feel as if he had to choose me over them. However Im not forgetting who these people are both good and bad and I am unsure of how to mix the paint here from our talks I think that yes we may be able to reconcile. I think he is unwilling right now because he is worried he will be stuck and I dont want that not for him or I or us so im still unsure of how to even begin mixing the paint and if I should tell him I even want to or if things should be more subtle so he can see without being how to put this… Put on the spot? Pressured? And yes I agree he has baggage long ago though I made a very dear friend who was there for me and helped me learn and grow and get through my own baggage as well and was there and is still there for me even now. I want to be there for him to and i want this time to be different because as i said before i naturally hook guys… Then things go wrong and im the one that made them ready for their next person whom has ended in marriage several times now and Im ready for a change. Dont get me wrong in a way im glad i made their life better and helped them and that they ended up with a marriage and everything but i dont wanna be left out of the end game and ever after anymore. I dont know if any of that makes sense or not or if sounds stupid.. Im just ready for my own ever after(and even though these guys married i know a few of them never forgot about me some regret their choice but its like the books said they pulled away) I just wonder if theres anything i can do to make this one work? Sorry for the long and late post. I couldnt sleep…
Hi heidi,
Thank you so much for getting back to me. Our relationship was great…. Great love and chemistry. Communication was amazing the sex was amazing all our life goals lined up…. Hes an emotional but very in touch person… Hes the complete opposite of his family except for his grandparents whom are passed away. Honestly… I dont know anymore hes very introverted so he only is close with his family and me. However his family is not around ANYMORE. At least not often he grew up with his grandparents whom were different from the rest of the family… The rest of the family is reclusive onlu open to those they already know… The mother did not raise him because she is super unstable. Frankly they dislike me because at the time we were together the mother tried to turn us against one another and i stood up for myself. She didnt like this and immediately started pulling in the other family members whom i respectfully told i did not agree with and i couldnt in good conscience listen to their solution. Which was in fact for me to do as she says in all ways at all times… You see the mother is a user… Shes also manipulative (if you havnt noticed by now) and an instigator but is mostly a user. Any time we were around her we ran on fumes taking care of her every whim. They took her side because shes blood… But i dont anymore… I think his and my life together could have been beautiful( we even looked forward to couples counseling as we were always wanting to be ahead of any problems and took pride in our amazing togetherness.. We were a true unit…
