[Virginia V]

Hi Heidi,

thank you for clarifying about co-dependence.

What stresses me about attraction is that at times i feel guilty for enjoying another’s presence and wishing to discover them sensually/sexually; at times I feel unworthy of enjoying another’s presence and wishing to discover them sensually/sexually, so I have been often self-sabotaged; or, knowing that a guy has a girlfriend, I would make myself unattractive by behaving much more masculine. I would feel unworthy as a consequence of this reaction, and self-betrayed.
In the last months I have been practicing being as feminine as it feels good, unapologetically.

Your accent on intention and energy, why and how using certain strategies makes sense!
And is it correct to say that seduction strategies are created from observed frequent patterns of attraction between masculine and feminine energies?

This week the guy we have talked about has decided to break up with his girlfriend. I haven’t done anything to seduce him, beside being myself as spontaneous and honest as I felt good. I have seen him once for working reasons.
We were planning to meet each other to speak about that time he kissed my neck, because I wanted to set some boundaries while being honest about my attraction for him, and say i cannot act upon it because I respect his relation (he didn’t know all these details). He asked me to postpone our meeting because he would break up with his girlfriend the day before our planned meeting and he asked me some space.
I admit I am happy and excited.

[Virginia V]

Dear Heidi,

thank you for your answers.

From your answers I perceive some impatience towards me, which make me feel uncomfortable.
Despite that, I can use your advice for reflecting and understanding what is within me.

Thank you for underlining that the personal intention behind choosing to enact a behaviour is fundamental to state its acceptability.
I will be honest with my friend and keep striving to be natural around him.
I don’t want to act like less than what I am for fear of interferring with his relationship.
The behavioural pattern that I am understanding and overcoming is my sense of guilt when naturally attracting x person, followed by
a sense of unworthiness when I repell those people when I stress about the potential attraction.

Thank you for explaining your experience with your attractive friend!
In my case, the seductive gestures of my friend confused the boundaries, and my doubt came from not really understanding what are his
intentions, and wondering how to show my romantic/sexual openness towards him, without actively pursuing him. If he is not happy in his
relationship, it is up to him to take decisions and I don’t want to be a catalyst for a break-up. If he is having a more superficial
crush on me, then I don’t want to indulge nor create tension between me and the girlfriend. I am aiming to be around this man for long,
at least as friend and colleagues.

To answer to your third paragraph, I am not such empty person. In fact, I am full of interests and I strive for my own
self-realisation. I missed support and undonditional love, for this I sometimes feel over-insecure, and makes me feel
the need of looking for external validation; but while I am in my healing journey I am noticing that some of these
moments are enactment of healthy affection and care for others. I am discerning the difference during my thearapy.

My curiosity on the seductive/fixing relations packages comes from wondering how to approach the strategies and knowledge
that they present. The packages I encountered provide no critical advice on how to use them, and rather are sold as an ultimate fix.
So my questions don’t come from a place of “i want to seduce men because i need to prove my value and this is my way to do it”.

I would love to hear your further thoughts
kind regards,
Virginia

[Virginia V]

Hi Heidi!
Thank you for answering. I appreciate what you wrote.
It is reassuring, to read your answers.

I wish to clarify, that I don’t intend to cause voluntarily
any disharmony to the couple. I definitely don’t appreciate
the behaviour of cheating and I do not want to be its catalyst.

I think my position is in fire-zone, as you pointed.
:
I am attracted to this guy and I would like to work with
him and be friends. He is very sweet, but I am pondering
how do I can relate to him harmoniously.
I appreciate that he offers me space for speaking about
our reciprocal traumas while we both are in therapy. No
one else before offered the space in such uplifting way.
It really resonated with me. But I have notice that,
despite the appreciation of his manners, I feel uneasy
about speaking with him about our traumas: I am not
sure if I need/want that space, and I notice the
possibility of giving too much of myself.
Last thing I wish, is to be used.
And I would like to collaborate with him, and I am also
aware he is a smart person, who I need to be sharp about.

I also wondered if I would become dependent on his support,
and longing for physical affection while/after talking of
it. I am weary that a biological (or other) form of bonding
would create between us, and that would become painful to
face my and his eventual desire of getting physical.
Between friends, there is a bond too. When is the component
of physical attraction interferring with being friends?

I am wondering how would it be if I would be honest about
my attraction and about not intending to interfere with
his relationship. That feels to me as exposing myself,
and I will have to be able to handle it.
Does this thought/behaviour fall into the spectrum of
co-dependency?
Could I make my honesty a strength?

When I think about the wish of pleasing men, I also think about
the advice that I find on media, internet,.. any advice or
strategy about women/men attraction and relations (often for
romantic purposes).
Is the eventual application of their contents into my life
not being myself and pleasing men as well?
Would answering to the natural arousal of energy in a
flirty but contained way an acceptable behaviour? e.g. use those
advice for enjoyment, empowerment, momentum,..

I am actively working on being myself.
And while getting deeper contact with myself, I also wish to
be a better version of myself. Healing from co-dependency is
a priority. I haven’t gone as far as this, in the journey on
co-dependency; how to address it?

Thank you

[Author]

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