[Elizabeth M]

I’m going through a very similar issue in my relationship. I’m a complex case of many childhood traumas. My Adverse Childhood Experiences test score is a perfect 10/10 for which normally would make me happy as I am a perfectionist (to the detriment of myself), but this isn’t a test that shows hope for my life and honestly I fear I will be best alone and secluded because I attract abusive and emotionally unavailable men. I am a highly sensitive human and I feel others emotions and it causes me to take on more then my own baggage. I am trying to process my generational trauma and have been for about a year now but feel I’m going in circles. I have 4 kids with two men my oldest sons dad says he wants me back but he is with another woman and lives with her so I’m confused why he says I’m the love of his life and asks me to move in with him but then doesn’t ask her to move out. But this is a relationship that I left because he was physically abusing me and I lost a daughter at25 weeks and could no longer pretend things could work for us when I was spiraling down a dark road. I feared being alone so I cheated trying to find someone to help me get out of the relationship and be my knight in shinning armor so to speak. This is a dangerous fallacy we teach our youth that fairy tales and Prince Charmings exist and I know my actions were not right, but we were going to counseling and he still was physically abusive and he told me if I ever cheated he would never take me back so that’s what I did because I struggle with the word no so I never stand up for what I want or need because I don’t believe I matter or deserve love and see myself as a burden on my family and society and everything is my fault. This stems from my childhood sexual trauma at 4. So I met my 3 youngests dad and he promised to love me forever but I wouldn’t marry him because something never felt safe or secure with him. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t give him kids of his own, we fought constantly because he wanted me to use drugs and spend all our money on them and I wanted to drink excessive amounts of alcohol to escape my pain. He accused me of cheating for 8 years before I broke down and cheated. I feel he may have been cheating and this is why he did this, or because I had cheated on my ex with him, or both I don’t really have proof. As long as I did what he wanted and didn’t argue or need anything he didn’t want to give me like cuddling or intimate conversation, things were good and I fell hard for him missing all the red flags. But soon he was watching porn behind my back, not being a active parent for our children, working late or wanting company to avoid being alone with me, calling me names and hitting, choking and shoving me. He left me during two of my pregnancy’s and urged me to have an abortion with the third. He wouldn’t pay the bills and I’d have to beg my parents to help pay to keep my home and once I had to boil water for baths to clean my children for 3 months because the gas was shut off for non payment. He always made me feel sexy though and the sex was not great at first but after about 3 years it became amazing and it felt like he truly loved me but now I struggle with the reality that he probably never did. Over the 13 years we were actively together we broke it off 8 times and the final time was him slamming my head into a work bench and punching me in the nose because I voiced concern over his drug use. I had gotten treatment for my alcoholism and wanted to help him with his addictions because I didn’t like being sucked back into that kind of life and I’m glad that I’m getting myself away from that influence. However he still has a trauma bond over me and will manipulate money, sex, rides, food etc out of me whenever he wants and I fall into the trap every time sometimes I feel I may be insane because it doesn’t make logical sense to me. After he left me in October of 2019 I fell into a 9 month deep depression and I almost gave up and ended my life. But I prayed to God and asked help stating I needed and angel to guide me I cannot do this alone and I needed to be the mom my kids deserve (and I’m still not the mom I’d like to be but trying to move forward and better myself). Not long after this I found out a man I went to grade school with committed suicide. I also got a invite from a close friend of this man inviting me to a Depak Chopra Abundance group. I got the urge to message this man about his friend who passed and give my condolence and speak to my intuition I had as a child and the magnetic yet confusing pull I had felt to him when we were 5. I hadn’t seen this man since highschool. He was hit with tragic news of having type 1 diabetes in fifth grade. Then in 6th grade on Christmas Eve he was traveling with his mom, dad, 2 sisters and older brother and they were in a tragic vehicle accident leaving him the only survivor. He was sent to live with his aunt in St. Louis at 12 and had been in a coma and had to relearn how to walk. I always had a connection and feelings for him but after he moved we only saw each other a few times and honestly never talked to each other as we never had the same classes in school and I was horribly shy. I never thought he would reappear in my life, so when I was urged by some unseen force within me to reach out I said no he will think I’m crazy plus I thought he was in a relationship. Turns out after I was inspired a few more times to message him I gave in and sent the longest message I’ve ever typed and only ended it because I reached the character limit (I have a problem with this obviously). Much to my surprise he called me immediately and we talked for over 4 hours. But I found this odd because I never talk on the phone it gives me anxiety but it felt so right with him. He helped me start a spiritual journey and get the strength to climb out of my depression. We started talking in June of 2020 and in April of 2021 we began dating but I broke up with him in June after he canceled my vacation to visit him in Hawaii stating the COVID-19 quarantine and regulations made flying there too much and we should wait till restrictions lifted. But I felt he just wasn’t ever going to commit and want to have a family for fear he could lose them because that’s what his ex seemed to express on Facebook and what makes logical sense to me anyway. I love this man and feel a very deep connection with him we have talked for at least 4 hours almost every day since we started talking we even sleep on the phone together and he is asleep on google duo while I type this on my phone honestly. We are only friends though because I told him he was unable to or unwilling to give me the family and close intimate real relationship I desire and deserve. I sometimes wish I hadn’t but I know I’m not ready for a relationship as I was having issues with my ex coming and trying to sleep with me and I didn’t feel I could resist but didn’t want to hurt my friend he means too much and I’ve learned it’s not worth the pain and shame and guilt it causes me. However I have been spending most of my time introspective but feel stuck I was in an abusive incident with my ex just two days ago and had to call the cops and have him arrested. He blames me but I was only trying to help him but wouldn’t let him stomp all over my boundaries and demand money. I wish I could keep my ex out of my life but I feel powerless to do so. I also wish I could make things work with my friend he is a millionaire but kept home searching with me but never purchasing anything and just getting my kids and is hopes up and letting us down so I feel he is emotionally unavailable and I should just move on but I can’t seem to want to date anyone else when I am in love with him. Plus I’m afraid to date anyone else because I know I attract abusive men and I cannot survive another blow at this point I feel I’m doomed to be alone forever which is my worst fear. Since being alone I can’t sleep I eat only junk food and I can’t seem to care about taking care of myself and only do the bare minimum of the parental obligations I should. I want to find a place of safety and healing for my kids and I so I can help others who are in similar situations but I can’t seem to heal and only traumatize myself further and my trauma therapist had the same trauma as me so we triggered one another and it didn’t work out. Now my parents are throwing me out of their home which honestly isn’t safe for me anyway considering they are my initial abusers. Though I’m thankful for the financial support they have provided my kids and I, I can’t heal because I don’t feel safe internally. What can I do to learn to love myself and heal my relationships and find the loving partner I deserve and build the family I’ve always longed for? Or would I be better off secluded and alone where I cannot hurt anyone ever again?

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