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Yes I think he would be willing but we’re not together and when we are it’s only a couple of weeks before she’s a damsel in distress and when he gets back he has like a list about what is wrong with me. I get so mad as she doesn’t even know me. How can I get to a stage where he would do these with me?
Well this is what he said – I guess the reason I’m back in my flat is because I’m not ready for any serious commitment given I’m quite traumatised with it all. And that triangle between you and her is as bad as the drugs. I hate it. It’s as though I will have to chose between one or the other. And that is simply crap . Xx – he has told me many times he moved back for me, I believed him still believe he meant it when he said it. I told him if we’d all meet it wouldn’t have been about that. And asked him if he had the same feelings for her as me and to just tell me coz it’s been a hard week and now would be as good as time as any he said – No I don’t. They are feelings of friendship and thanks to her generosity of gratitude too. Even tho she’s kind of knew that but you there’s like an electromagnetic field of attraction. Xx – how should I be with him? He said since Wednesday he’s been wanting to talk. And asked if I’m free tomorrow. On the phone he said he understands why I fret and can’t I just be patient? But then said he understood and knows why she’ll always have him indebted. I’ve read some things, just not the whole of the internet lol. No I have books from credited writers and I know a lot of it. I have a major in behaviours and the transport industry I know it’s not the same but had to study about all sorts of phycology to get it. I just get so confused because it’s a confusing time for me. But I do know it’s madness. How should I be with him? Should I just lay everything in back and white, or be cool or what?
The current status is he wanted to be just friends about fur weeks ago, he rang last weekend and asked if I wanted to go for a meal but I was already cooking something so I said no. Then he rang again saying he misses me and its a battle as he doesnt miss the stress. I did go to see him and we had a laugh and a chilled time. I got a missed call from him on saturday but I was busy so I rang him on sunday. He asked what I was eating and we agreed we’d have a take away so he came round (he came round also to pick up a keyring because I had ordered one as I needed to replace his old one, well not needed to but I did) he told me he still in love with me but sometimes he doesnt want to tell me. We had a goodtime and as we talked we agreed to take it slowly between us. He also said he has hated coming over mine at weekends before (the few weekends that he did was in july, aug sort of time) because he couldnt relax as he hated the feeling of guilt as he felt Louise wont be happy as she got upset once when she found out “Ive been in his car” which she claims i had hidden intentions and he upset her by his reply to that so he felt guilty about that too. She is still in the picture. She has bought him if that makes sense. I beleive she knew what she was doing but then again he let it happen, its frustrating. When he moved back from hers in Jan she would phone constantly which started when she would of found out we were going to my dads. I beleive he answered the phone once in a while after after her episode calmed down. We were talking about getting a car late july and looked at a few, however she showed him one she actively sourced out herself and got it. She knew this because he had gone to see her prior. Anyway on tuesday he had texted me and bassically reversed everything we talked about saying will just be friends. He has been saying that tho since since he got the car, everytime he feels were connected again. Back to tuesday, I went round to his, I think it was obvious i was trying not to cry and was frustrated. Yesturday he phoned and answered it, he said I sounded vacant this was because i had no emotions and spoke disconnected. He said hed phone me back, and he did an hour later which i ignored. He texted “Are you there x?” and rang x2 in the evening. I replied “yes what do you want” an hour after his calls. He said “yes thumbs up emoji we need to talk xx” I asked to brief me on what he wants to talk about and I told him its late and if that urgent to go and tell Louise about it instead and in the meantime to ask her to stop going on about me to him He texted t that “Can we talk please? I dont want to ‘dump’ you and that he has no intentions of talking to louise about mexx” he means he never has talked to her about me. He phone this morning and said nothing at all really apart from asking what starts withiut a friendship. And that he doesnt talk about me to louise because she rows about me. I told him he is making me sad having let louise think theres more to it yet as also they are just friends. Then Ithought about it, got wound up and sent him a message saing “Sure. Fights about me, wth?? do you not get it?? Did you go and have fights with Callum because you didn’t like his girlfriend??? Even has your MUM, as you said the other day you saw her as, had fights with you about your friends in the same way she does??? You ignore it all and keep your head in the sand where you can’t see it for what it is. But as it suits you… Tell you what pull it back out again because how you play people doesnt concern me. I don’t care what crap you string along, just along as it’s not me. Because sure everything starts with friendship but you need at least two people for that and you have not even been a friend to me. I told you when you moved back how it’d turn out if she was still in ur life as much. I moved out and shes become a constant thing as you say shes your friend. I even suggested you stop making it like a separate thing to me and invite her over if you couldn’t keep it to just an Xmas card. You asked her but she won’t go for that. (Doesn’t that even sound odd to you that she wouldn’t?) Friends unite not separate to conquer. You know that so how can you lie and say she’s just a friend and not see you were more than friends to her? Anyway good luck you won’t have to argue about me being in your life but youll need it as if you can’t see it you’ll find out what kind of person she is Furthermore wth you were arguing coz we were friends? Friends Fernando? Is that what you told her, friends? Wow, you still think you weren’t playing anyone?? Well at least you won’t have to argue then now. All the best of luck while you quietly fall into place as her partner and no we won’t be friends then, I’ve got a brain cell to know I’d be interfering and its not correct to do that to any couples. Probably bad but i was fuming. I then wrote back this is crazy my head is spinning thank you wha did you want to talk about? He rang 2x and i answerd he said he didnt know yet. I thought he wanted to talk and if he doesnt know because of my text then hed say he doesnt know know. I dont know the status. Ive always worked harder than expected, I just like to go the extra mile for people so that they remember. Dont know why. But I do it outside of work too I find myself looking out incase I see someone struggling or if i think someone will need help I get ready to be there and offer assistance. just to make someones life a little easier and made them smile as not everyone asks for help but if theyre noticed and assited without asking they feel good and they dont feel a nuicance then dont they? ( It does bother me tho on a saturday on the market ) I dont know why I get a kick out of it but I’ve always done it. I worked on my workaholism and when he came back from hers (after he had left to live with her then just to get clean) I spent maybe 30% of my time working. When I moved out tho I got some woodlands as a project to turn it into accessible outdoor area for activities and sensory healing for autistic and any one in need as there is no where i the county and its a place very much needed. Which takes up some of my time sometimes but usually I’ve got people doing stuff for me but apart from that I work 5 hours tops a day. I dont think he’ll be willing to go to therapy, I dont even know what we are anymore but yes was referring to him when starting afresh.
I dont know. Closure to the old relationship and fresh beginings to the new one? I dont know how (and hes very stubborn at times in his ways of thinking) Ive changed for him and for me during these four years, i work less, trying to quit smoking (seems ongoing) I cant just make an instant new me. That wouldnt change the energy anyway would it? New surroundings? Getting some friends?
Hes phone me this morning he asked why i sounded disconnected and he rang again. Then 2x again tonight ive just sent him an email but maybe it was a bad idea to just yet.
