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I am trying to forgive myself for it. I don’t think much about it any more and when it comes up I dwell less and less on the guilt or on the anger. I know I need to fully forgive myself and I feel like I am on the precipice of that.
It is occasionally difficult to pull back but often I know that the reward of doing so is immediate and also preventative (preventing him shutting down) and so there is a lot of motivation to check myself.
I haven’t felt as insecure at all. Accepting the long distance has been helpful. I’m trying to learn to except that he needs time to go about this in his own way, and at his own pace. I’m trying not to take offense to that, given that he proposed to his ex wife after six or seven months. I’m trying to remember it’s not about me, or how much she loves me, but rather about him working through things in his head and being ready. Sometimes that’s hard though.
A game plan would be good, for being with him for three weeks. I am less apprehensive now, and just looking forward to it. But I don’t want him to feel pressured, and I’m going to feel the need to bring emotions and the future up, moving forward in our relationship. I don’t know if I should or not. But I want to feel like there’s something to look forward to, but I don’t want him to feel like I’m a ball and chain.
Hey Spyce,
Thanks for your follow up. It was incredibly hard, and did feel like a betrayal for sure. But he might’ve started the tango, but I gave into it, so it’s also my fault. In the process I have a lot of guilt for hurting two of my friends, and it was a shit thing to do. Even if I did try and resist for a while.
It’s a very different current relationship, thankfully. All of what you said is true. I will be visiting for 3 weeks, I stay with him, he has the last two of the three weeks off with me.
Side note, he has called me more this last week than he has in a while. We always talk twice a day normally, but he has called me a few days during his work day as well, and called to video chat a full hour before he normally calls on his drive to work. It was really nice. He also has been talking more about when im visiting and what we will do.
Hey all. Thanks again for all the help and quick replies. It is very much appreciated.
A lot of my anxiety and insecurity came from the previous “relationship” I had before him. I include the parentheses because this was my best friend who came on to me, even while he was engaged. I resisted the first few times, but if I’m fully honest with myself, I didn’t want to resist and eventually did not. We never had sex, more of a sexting situation, and I was naive in the whole matter. Especially when he told me it wouldn’t change our friendship when we finally pulled our heads out of our arses and agreed to stop. Predictably, it completely ruined our friendship, something I thought could not be done. It started with him pulling away, me not understanding, and becoming needy and voicing my concerns. You see where this is going, I’m sure. Needy, nagging, sadness, confusion, betrayal. And what I thought was me communicating openly and honestly ended up pushing him further away with and creating hysteria for me. It was not fully one persons fault or another’s, we each had a hand and it took me a long while to come to terms with the feelings of betrayal and accepting the fact I was acting a bit crazy and like I deserved something from him, like an explanation or closure. No one owes anyone those things.
Anyway, in affecting things now, if my partner didn’t answer a text quickly or I felt as if he wasn’t giving me the same attention that I was to him, then all of the feelings from that previous debacle came rushing back in the form of panic. I would in turn, act needy and desperate, naggy that he didn’t respond and angry when he finally did. And I felt him pull back and be hesitant. As you said, catch 22.
And so I’ve decided I can’t be that way anymore. Neither of us deserve it. Positivity, support, making him happy. Doing that has made him want to do the same, I believe.
I am going to visit him in two weeks. I don’t know if it’s normal for me to be trepidatious and hopeful at the same time.
I have not brought up my concerns yet. In the recent weeks he has been very attentive and I have been reluctant to do so.
I will admit that it seems plain to me that my own behavior in the recent months is to blame for much of his assumed hesitancy. I have been negative, needy, nitpicky and naggy. It’s not been fair to him, and I have taken for granted all of the amazing things he has said and done for me.
This doesn’t take away from the fact that I do know he needs some help, and that our road will be made more difficult because if it. I have broached my recent pursuit of professional help to him, knowing that many of my fears and personal anxiety arise from past emotional traumas.
Beyond that I am uncertain. I know that the last two weeks, I have made a decided effort to be positive and remember to give him space, love him for who he is, and trust his process. I noticed an immediate difference and it has been revitalizing.
Hey there. Thanks for the quick feedback.
I agree in part. And I can understand what you’re saying in the first paragraph, although I disagree that it’s based in fantasy. Just happens to be that we knew each other and liked each other as little kids, and that’s not what real life is it’s not what adulthood is. When we decided to pursue a romantic relationship, it was very much based on friendship and familiarity, which was already established. We had kept in touch for the years between then and now.
His ex and him had separated a year before we started our relationship, and were divorced about 3 months after they separated. I agree that he needs to process what happened in his marriage before he can get into a deep emotional relationship with me. I know he trusts me wholeheartedly, but I also know he’s hurting. He does talk about it and about what happened. We have talked about what happened with her cheating on him, his trust issues because of it, and in general how it went down the last two years of their marriage on multiple occasions. It’s never a forced conversation, and it’s always something he instigates. He’s willing to talk about it, which is encouraging, though I do notice it’s often framed with him trying to hold onto some dignity and find some self-worth within the pain.
I try to be supportive of that, and listen intently without giving feedback beyond support. He seems willing to consider talking to a professional, as he talks about how he encourages his soldiers to do so when they’re dealing with PTSD and other issues. Though I realize giving advice and taking your own advice are different things.
He’s undoubtedly a person who strives to achieve perfection in everything he does. And he often feels like he fails when everything is not perfect, such as in his job or in how I feel in response to a situation. He also takes on a lot of burden from his mothers stress and issues, and feels like he has to fix everything for her, though we both have told him that that is not the case. Likewise he and I have both talked about the fact that we’re not perfect, and our relationship isn’t perfect, and there will be ups and downs. We have both acknowledged the fact that relationships aren’t Disney soulmate perfect… Neither one of us believes in fate or is religious. If we want it to work we know we will have to put the work in for it to work, and work to understand each other as best we can. Our dream for the future is definitely the same, we talk about it often, and I often recognize ways in which he is adjusting his language or actions to accommodate a need of mine he has perceived. Likewise I’m trying to learn to do the same for him. He’s through and through man, regimented from the army. But also very kind and considerate of me. Do I will be of him.
But that’s why I wanted to know if some more ways to give him the chance to be a hero long distance. Give him some chances to open up and come to me as he’s ready.
Hey there.
We grew up together in a small town, kindergarten through 5th grade, so have known each other since we were 5. His family moved a town over at that point, though we still maintained friendship and always had a crush on each other. Life just happened after that, we were both in different relationships and had gone our own ways. He was married for seven years, Ending in a hard divorce, which left him feeling emotionally drained and like he failed. He confides in me often that he feels like he failed in the marriage.
I’ve had a couple of serious boyfriends before him, and an in between fling with a friend that ended terribly, Creating a lot of anxiousness for me about being worthy or loved. Hence the neediness and hurt when he pulls away.
We had reconnected long distance as well, and it was a very easy transition into our relationship, though we didn’t really talk about it at the beginning, just talked about the future and being together. Five months into talking when we finally were able to see each other after he came back from abroad, we decided we wanted to pursue being together long-term, and that our end goal was commitment to each other. He was back for seven months or so, before getting deployed again to Germany in April.
I would say it’s correct that I do want to make sure that he engages fully, and commits fully, and wants me with him for sure. I would say your assessment in that he may not want to emotionally commit completely could be correct, and I know that he tells me often about how much hurt was caused from his marriage, and that he is afraid of the same thing happening. Not that I would cheat on him, but that he committed to something so fully and it ended so badly, and he is afraid it may happen again. His fear of being hurt so badly again is a big issue in his avoidance, if I were to guess.
As for what I want, I want him. Eventually I would like to be able to be with him more often, and I don’t mind the idea of marriage. He’s sort of a traditionalist, and has talked about marriage on several occasions. Though not recently. I’m trying not to equate marriage to commitment or to truly loving someone.
He loves me, he wants to provide. He says he wants me with him, but I also know that there is hesitation and reservation.
Thank you.
So I tried to edit my post to provide a bit more information but it would not let me. I’ll add it in this reply.
A bit of background about him… He was in a marriage for seven years and ended over two years ago. She had been cheating on him for the last two years of their marriage, and it really hurt him deeply. He had been willing to work it out and she asked for a divorce. Openly talks about the repercussions, Especially in having trust issues and the fear that any other committed relationship will end in disaster as the previous one did.
The first year of our relationship we chatted about getting married, and he seemed like it was something he really wanted to do. He also asked me to go to Germany with him, and we knew he would have to go over there first set up and get ready, and sometime later I would follow. However since he’s been there the last five months, he’s been reluctant to talk about me moving there, it seems that he’s incredibly stressed out with work, and doesn’t want to have me there. He says he does, he says that’s the goal, but whenever I bring it up he goes distant and doesn’t want to say anything. This breaks my heart every single time because I thought we were on the same page. And part of me wonders if it’s him having second thoughts about me, or about what he wants from our relationship. Also several times he has mentioned he wants to make sure he can provide for me and that I will be happy there, even though I completely provide for myself with my job which I can do over there as well, and I’ve always wanted to explore you’re up and live in another country. So those excuses ring false to me.
I am definitely a talker, and he is not. I’ve been trying to give him space and reach out to others to do the emotional support and talking, so as not to burden him. And as I said, implementing some of the signals and such in this course have really made the last week amazing for us. He’s called me more, asked me for advice, shared more. So I’m hoping I’m on the right track.
Still, giving him opportunities to be a hero and to fulfill my needs have been difficult since we are not together in location. He’s a soldier, and for sure he has a hero instinct deeply ingrained in him. And I know that I have stamped that out occasionally, going through this course and realizing that in the past I know I’ve done so. Or I haven’t engaged with his interests enough.
Anyway, any suggestions for giving him opportunities to provide for me or be the hero in my life and meet my needs across the distance would be appreciated. Thank you!
