[Amy L]

Hey
Thanks again. And again some really insightful comments that have me thinking. Thanks so much.

He definitely pushes himself hard. He believes that he just has to keep going and push through stuff and get in with it. That’s how it’s been most of his life and it’s “worked” for him in that he has been able to get back up and keep on going. He doesn’t yet understand how destructive that is or what it’s doing to his body. He has been seeing my chiropractor and kinesiologist for the last couple of months and is starting to see that his adrenals are working overtime and his body is exhausted. But it’s a long road.

I have wanted to have that conversation with him and tell him how it has been for me when he says those things. And point out to him his past relationships and patterns. But I’ve thought this needs to be done in person and I was waiting for court to be over.

I’m not sure how he would respond. I think he would listen but I don’t know if he would understand it or see it.

He grew up with a drug addict alcoholic stepfather. Family violence and gang parties and all that comes from that. When his mum left that relationship she moved countries and left the youngest child (14) at home alone. He has this very strong sense of having to protect his siblings and hating that sort of behaviour. Yet he was very triggered by being back with his family when we visited. He now has a good relationship with his stepfather who is now sober (25 years) and has made some amends. The rest of his siblings don’t. He has issues with his mum about all that. But he hasn’t dealt with it in any real sense other than learnt that he needs to depend only on himself and if he just keeps on going then it will be ok.

I think he knows things aren’t all fine but I don’t think it’s got to the point that he can see it’s a problem.

And now I’m still just confused about what to do
I know I can’t “fix” him and I don’t want to be his therapist. Yet I see so much more to him. We understand each other as we have both had trauma based childhoods. That’s both a blessing and a curse I think.

Anyway, I really do appreciate your time. I do also wish there was some easy or clear answers/path through.

I’ve noticed today that I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s destroying me. I’m becoming that insecure girlfriend/friend/person and I don’t want to be that. That’s not me.
I have created a new Tinder profile for some distraction and feel bad about that too

Thanks again
Amy

[Amy L]

Hi and thank you.

Some really tho got provoking comments in there.

He’s not on any pain medication and hasn’t been for most of this year. He doesn’t like it. He does however still get pain in his back which can be bad after a long days work. He works five 12 hour shifts a week.

I tend to agree with you that he is trying to find things that are wrong to sabotage the relationship. The part I find most confusing and difficult is that he has always said he’s either all in or all out yet right now he’s neither. It’s like he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” and end the relationship so he’s trying to make it unbearable so that I will do it for him and then he can go and say that I broke up with him or something. But that just leaves me hanging. I don’t want to end the relationship because I still think that what we had was good and has the potential to create something strong and healthy (although my thoughts are starting to change).

Why do I want to be with him?
There’s the superficial things:
I like his face and his eyes
I like his arms and his hands
I like how I feel when he touches me. I feel nurtured and safe
The sex is very good (that’s a big deal for me. Me and sex haven’t had such a good relationship)
There’s the quality things:
He is interesting with lots of similar interests – planes, biking, fishing, being in the country etc
I love the way he relates with his daughter and the relationship they have
He’s intelligent and can have a good discussion and is insightful
He doesn’t have a mean word to say about anybody
He cares deeply for children and young people and wants to create something better for them and be there as a role model for kids in a hard place
He’s practical and mechanical
He’s a good teacher
He challenges my mindset
He’s generous with time and things

When I’m around him I want to be a better version of me. I want to be well. I want to get up and try new things. I want to work hard. I want to be open and vulnerable.

Yet, when I wrote those things down in the back of my mind was a little voice that was contradicting some of them.

His past relationships haven’t been ideal. The relationship he had with his daughters mother was somewhat toxic. She has some serious mental health issues and was abusive. They were in an on off relationship in high school and then reconnected about 12 years ago but it was the same. He ended it with her and then she told him she was pregnant. They weren’t together during pregnancy nor after the birth. But he has always tried to be there for her and help her out.

His next long term relationship after that seemed ok but it ended weirdly. He promised his daughter that he would move closer to her when she turned five. Just prior to that his partners father died and she chose to take over the vineyards, they also had a late term miscarriage and then he said he was moving closer to his daughter and she said she couldn’t go so he went anyway and they separated.

He’s had the odd short relationships in between times. The one before me was almost 12 months but apparently she just stopped all contact one day

We have a lot of fun together – well we did. I enjoy his company. I agree that he is miserable at the moment.

I don’t want to give up on him or us. Yet I’m getting nothing from him at the moment and that’s really hard.

We have gone into another full lockdown this week. We had dinner together on Tuesday (lockdown started at midnight) he spoke for an hour and half about planes and engines and court and how people are dishonest and all the people who have ripped him off. He didn’t once ask how I was. He mentioned that his sister, brother-in-law, and their girls were hoping to come down and spend lockdown with him and help him build the house. I said if he wanted I was available and happy to come help too especially if they didn’t make it. He said nah he’s enjoying his own company at the moment doesn’t know why but being by himself in the forest makes him forget about all the shit.

He called later that night when he got home to chat about the house and the build.

Wednesday night he sent me a message
How’s your day
I said a bit challenging to be honest. Emotional.
He said get through it all good though
I replied with not really. Still emotional.
He didn’t reply
Thursday night he send another message saying how’s your day been. I didn’t see it. Then he sent another one saying get out and about with the dogs. Again I didn’t see it until Friday morning.

I replied with
I’m not sure from your snaps whether you genuinely care and want to know the answers or if you are just reaching out for some other purpose. So if you want to know or connect with me then call me

He then responded with this
Amy
I have no reason to reach out to you for any other reason
I msg you to ask how you are getting on in the lock down due to you being on your own and genuinely checking up on you

Enjoy your day,

And I replied
Thought so, just wanted to check😊

Yesterday was much better than the day before
More productive at work
Went for a 20km bike ride

How was your day?
When do Mandy and Reece go home?

And phone calls are more connecting I prefer them. Especially during lockdown when I have zero human interaction 😊

I haven’t heard from him since

So yeah now I really don’t know.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond.

[Amy L]

Thank you

Yes there are many hats being worn. I have been reluctant to have any conversation with him lately about our relationship and where it is heading because of the court stuff and that seems to be all he can focus his attention on at the moment.

I am not happy at all with how he is treating me. I am getting nothing from him and am starting to wonder whether he is just using me for my skill set.

The things he has told me and others about what he is doubting or worried about are:
1. I’m not passionate or driven enough. But then in the very next breath he says that he knows that’s not true and I wouldn’t be who I am or have a successful business etc if I wasn’t those things. I think this has come from me not being able to express any life goals with him about things I want to achieve etc.
2. He’s a go getter and sees things that need to be done and just keeps moving forward and I don’t. Then again he says that he knows that’s not true. This has come from me not tidying up my backyard until he offered to help me. And my dogs have destroyed some things and he doesn’t like it. He’s also very allergic to the dogs. So that is a real problem.
3. That I say “I can’t” and he believes that means I don’t try and give up. And then again he says he knows that’s not true. This was highlighted when we went away to look at the section and I was out of my comfort zone on a number of things and as a default I said “I can’t”. I discussed this with him when he brought it up and thanked him for bringing it to my awareness and when I say “I can’t” I actually mean I’m scared or I don’t know how to do something. He accepted that I always do it even when I say “I can’t”.
4. That he doesn’t understand my sickness and why I don’t just get over it and get up and do stuff early in the mornings. I have long Covid. He has only known me when I have been unwell. I am a million times better than when he first met me. When he first met me I couldn’t even walk from my bedroom to my bathroom without needing to lie down. Now I can swim and bike and run in the hills again. But I need to pace myself otherwise I relapse.
5. He thinks I’m stuck in a rut. Don’t know what this is about.
6. He is worried that I can’t go hunting or diving or fishing or biking with him and his mates. Not sure why this is a problem either. I have been biking with him. I love fishing. Grew up with my dad diving and want to try hunting. His friend told me that he doesn’t understand this issue either as these are things that he does with his friends and he’s never asked a girl to do this before and never wanted too.

I agree that this was completely out of the blue and irrational. This behaviour from him is nothing like what he is like normally. I don’t think any of these things are real issues but they are what he has focused on. I wonder whether it got too intense too quick and he is finding things wrong and then focusing on that.
His friend has also said that he is very stressed out at the moment with court and his house build and his business isn’t going so good and he broke his back last year. He suggested to give him space and hopefully after court is done he will be himself again.

I really want to be able to work it out with him. I believe we had something special that I have never had with anyone. His friend told me that out of all his past girlfriends I was the one he was happiest with and the one he likes the most. Everyone who met us commented on how happy we were snd how well we were together.

I’m just not sure about how to have that conversation with him whilst he can’t seem to focus on anything but himself and court. I am worried that I will push him further away with the pressure etc.

He has always said to me that he is either all in or all out. I said to him well right now you are neither. He was like no I am. And I said what, is this you all out. And he goes ahh no… I don’t know I’m confused.

Thanks again for reading. Any ideas and tips on how to move through is much appreciated.

Amy

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