[Jennifer W]

Spyce,

I love your perspective!! Could you be my therapist?!? You really reach me.

I agree with what you’re saying. At this time, I believe he wants to be with her even though he has feelings for me. I am working to accept that for now and try my best to move on with new hobbies, friends and trying to date. I’m having trouble finding people I’m attracted to and I’m sure some of that is because I’m still hung up on my ex and no one looks attractive to me 😉 But I’ll take it one day at a time and at least meet new people and see what happens.

His issues are definitely his issues and even my daughter says that, even though the new girl is nice (they’ve hung out once), she feels that she needs to see what she’s getting herself into. I think my daughter plans to bring out an argument with her dad once or twice (her own thought, not mine) and show the new girl how he reacts. It’s funny, my daughter even said to me once when I was crying “remember, you can do much better than dad”. She’s so insightful!

But despite everything, I still love him. Although sometimes I wonder if I’m trying to hold on to our crazy dynamic because it was comfortable and I didn’t have to start over. I’ll move forward slowly, focusing on me and my daughter, and either something will happen with dating or something will happen with his relationship.

Seriously though … can you be my therapist? lol You are awesome!

xoxo Jenn

[Jennifer W]

Spyce,

Wow, thank you for that great response! It’s certainly a big help to see someone else’s perspective on my story.

He hasn’t necessarily made things my fault. He has acknowledged his part in our breakdown. But I do believe a lot to be my fault and feel that maybe if I was more available physically when we were married (when we would connect for sex, it was incredible; however, I didn’t always let myself be in the mood for it if that makes sense) and if we slept in the same bed at night (many things contributed to this: he used to work night shift and got used to sleeping on the sofa so he didn’t keep me up; plus he needed the tv on to fall asleep, and I couldn’t sleep with it on) maybe we would have been more connected in our day-to-day life and maybe he wouldn’t have been as temperamental. Then again, if he wasn’t so angry, maybe I would have wanted to be more intimate regularly. The intimacy and physical attraction is certainly something we’ve managed to rebuild since our divorce.

No matter how much I recommended he get some therapy, he has never done it. I know he has some anger issues from when his dad left when he was a child. I even suggested (when trying to get him to give us another chance a few months ago) that we go to therapy together as a way to work on our relationship issues. But he didn’t want to do that right now because he wanted to see if his new relationship would turn into something. But it’s not off the table if that doesn’t work out.

I do believe sometimes I see that things the way I imagine they could be, but in reality I know they may turn out the same way because he has not worked on himself and he’s concerned that once the newness wears off, we’ll fall back into old patterns. I want to try though, because this is our family and something I feel strongly about. But I also don’t want to put my life on hold and sit and wait to see if his new relationship lasts or falls apart. I almost feel like I’m giving him a backup plan so he can stick with the new relationship and see if it works, but if not, he knows I’ll be sitting here waiting. I honestly think once the ‘best behavior’ stage of his new relationship wears off and they start being their regular day-to-day selves, his temper will come out. Especially when my daughter is around because they always end up fighting over something (they’re the same person – both so stubborn and needing to have the last word). I don’t know if she’ll want to be with him when she sees that side. I think I stuck around for so many years because I depended on him financially. This new girl has her own home, has a much better job than he has and is very independent so she may not want to put up with that drama and temper in her life.

This is all so hard and I don’t want to lose him. I just want to see if we could make it work if we both put in the effort and get some counseling together. I truly believe if we make each other a priority, we can have the life we want. But since he’s distracted by someone else, I wanted this program to try to show him in my words and actions how he is my “hero” and priority.

Thanks so much for your help <3
~ Jenn

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