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Hi. It’s been a little bit since the last message and I wanted to touch base. I still haven’t had the talk with him. The night I went over to talk with him I walked in on a phone call and he was talking to someone about his dad. Once he was off the phone he then started telling me about his issues and that was the first time he had really opened up to me like that so I sat and listened. I did not sleep with him or stay the night. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that until I had the talk with him so I’m keeping that promise.
Although I’m not sure I will need to have the talk anymore. I learned the other night He’s not 35, he’s 30 lol it kind of explains some of the issues we have. I’m turning 40 in December! So a bit of an age gap. I have no clue why I thought he was older?? Anyway, I spit out my drink when he told me his age. We were talking about a Tv show and when it first came out and he mentioned the year was during his junior year of high school and that’s when my drink went out my nose and mouth. Super sexy, I know lol I’m seeing things more clearly now and have to decide if I can do casual, have some fun and enjoy it while it lasts or if I need to cut ties.
But, my question would be…it’s still just as important I’m guessing for me to have the conversation with him still right? I’m thinking it’s more for me than him. I need to learn to voice my needs and concerns and like you said this is the perfect opportunity. If I decide to have the convo. Am I suppose to tell him about my ex, explain why certain things upset me? I don’t like bringing the past into anything and especially my ex and what I went through. Thanks again for all your advice and input
I’m confused. Recently I have learned that being needy is what turns guys away. From the programs here as well as other places. That if you try and have the talk about your feelings or where you stand it scares them away. If you text to much or need to much it scares them away. I use to be very up front about my feelings and where is stood. If my needs weren’t being met I left and didn’t look back.
I think my fear of talking about my needs and feelings now may stem from my 11 year marriage. I was constantly told that what I was feeling wasn’t right or if I said something one way meaning it just that way, my ex would say nope. Your face did this or your tone didn’t mean what you were Saying. If I tried to tell him something he did that hurt me, it was turned around on me and I was told what I did to cause him to do that thing. It was never ending so I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and my mouth shut to keep the peace for my boys.I was treated as if I had no value. Im now seeing how anytime I feel like I’m disrespected or treated as if I don’t matter is a trigger for me. I thought I had resolved this. I spent 3 years focusing on myself and my boys before I even thought about dating. I didn’t wnt to go into any relationship with the past controlling me. I guess I have more more to do 🙂
I think I just kind of figured something out… In the beginning of this I was a lot more flirtatious and was always sending him texts to build sexual tension. An example: I text him to tell him I found a new technique and needed to practice and would he let me practice on him. He didn’t want to wait and text me and asked what it was the very next Morning. I wouldn’t tell him. Another time I text to tell him I received my monthly bonus gift from
One of my favorite sex shops. I asked him to take me out and then to take me home and we could see what this gift was all about. Things like that. I stopped once he pulled away because of course doing things like that make me scared of rejection. But during the time I was doing those things I could tell it excited him and I’m guessing it caused him to think of me more often maybe. It was so care free and fun that’ll and then I guess I pulled away to and the fun spontaneous side of it kind of went away.I Want to try it again, nothing too X-Crazy but It would be nice to remind him again of that side of me now that we have had a couple of issues. But I’m
Scared it will make me look desperate. Thoughts ?Well everything you have said makes total sense and it helps me see it from a diff point of view. I think I was struggling with something or heard in one of the courses about how men don’t mean something else by their behavior to words. That we sometimes read into it and try to make it something it’s not. I find myself doing that so this time I was trying to really just look at it as he doesn’t text or want to see me. It’s not that he is scared of his feelings for me. It could be he just doesn’t want to talk or see me. Does that make sense?
He is a navy veteran. I think that has alot to do also with how he needs things to run as he has planned. He told me that he had planned for me for be there at 5pm and o couldn’t make it until 5:30pm so that already took time away from his homework he needed to finish.I’m not sure about any mood disorders or what not. That was the first time he had acted that way.
And lastly 🙂 I would say I’m sensitive with Men in my life and what comes along with that. But truly that is the only place in my life I feel I’m too sensitive, it’s hard to explain. My ex husband would tell you I have a black soul and was never attentive and didn’t care about him at all. But he is a narcissist and was emotionally and verbally abusive so his outlook is diff. I will be the first to admit that I need reassurance and I need to feel wanted and not as if I’m worthless and I know where that comes from and I try so very hard not to ever let my past define me
In any new relationship, but damn it’s hard. I never ever bring up my past or anything that has happened because it’s not fair to the guy. Sometimes I think maybe if I could explain wnere my insecurities come from it would help them understand but I never have.When I think back now with the guy we are taking about, there are certain things I have done or said that could have given him the idea that I’m not interested in anything more and that I don’t have feelings for him? Like leaving in the middle of the night, never initiating conversation first, there’s more but I can’t think of them. It was my best friend who gently asked me if I ever thought that maybe I was also giving mixed signals and could be making him think I was not wanting anything more. She kind of talked me through some of the things I had told her.
So I want to know at this point after the call he and I had that didn’t resolve much and left us in limbo. Do i leave it be and not reach out? That’s what I would Normally do because I do not want to come across as needy. I want to give him space like I always do but I Kind of feel like me doing that has gotten us to where we are lol not all on me but it played a big part. I just read that we teach others how to treat us by our behavior and what we allow. Or something like that.
Thanks again for your input 🙂 so I have communicated with him about being distant. About 2 weeks ago I did ask him where we stood and told him it seemed as though he has distanced himself and It would
Help to communicate about what was going on. He told me he was sorry if he seems Distant that work was really busy so he had a ton of homework. The thing is. Nothing changed. And then this weekend happened. I tried calling him last night and no answer. He called me back today and he seems baffled that I was upset. He said he didnt kick me out, that we each had a beer and then he had to get back to homework and the store. He seemed irritated and still in the end didn’t get it. He really seemed to not think he did to make me upset! So it might just be me.So at this point maybe it really is just him and how he rolls! Any time I have mentioned anything He will always call if we are texting and things seem to be getting confusing or one of Us is getting upset. Texting is a pain and comes across in a diff way than we mean a lot of the time. So he is always up for talking about the issue. It’s just never resolved🤣
I guess the big bigger picture here is his lack of effort and fitting me in to his schedule. He doesn’t seem to care and I strongly believe we make time for those who matter even if we are really busy. Even if it is just a short quick text.
I guess now I’m left in limbo wondering where we stand since I had said thanks for the fun times. We didn’t talk about that again and whether we still would see each other. I want to believe that since he called me back that’s a good sign I
Haven’t completely chased him off but who knows at this point!Thank you for your response and advice. I agree with all you have said. A lot of it I already know is true about myself and why I put on the mask of the chic who doesn’t need attention or time from whoever it is I’m dating. This is the first time in so long that I’m having trouble walking away.
I know you had said to possibly move on, that I deserve better. Last night we had plans and apparently his plan was to wam, bam, thank you Ma’m🤦🏻♀️ It was insane how all of a sudden it was like a switch was flipped (after) and he was in a panic trying to make it a point to get his keys and wallet and then said he forgot he needed to go to the store. One min we were sitting, laughing and talking and the next he was kicking me out. There’s no point in me trying to figure out what happened. I know all that matters is his behavior and I received the message loud and clear.
Anyway, I think it’s time I block him and move on but something is stopping me. I have had no problem blocking and moving on in the past with guys that have done a lot less. With guys I also had strong feelings for. I guess maybe I’m still hoping for things to change around which is dumb.I know I’m scared that once I cut of communication, he won’t care. He goes through the distant behavior. I get use to it for the week and finally think ok he’s a actually done. And it’s like he has freaking alarm that goes off to tell
Him I think that and he texts or calls😡 or I’ll put something on Snapchat and he messages me on there. So do I block him on all platforms. My “homework” from one of Carlos programs was to go out, look nice having a great time and take pics to Putin social media. At this point with his behavior last night am I to the point to no return?
