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Hey Heidi! Still feeling low and hoping to get over it soon. Working on forgiving myself even though it’s hard but I’m positive. I’ve learnt from my mistakes that was since last year because I’ve my best I’ve done my best to show how sorry I am. Just that sometimes I wonder why I didn’t feel this way last year you know everything was good up until this few months.
Hey Heidi! What’s stops me from forgiving myself is the fact that I just keep thinking of how things would’ve been and when I feel like there’s no connection. I know I deserve to be forgiven because every one makes mistakes and I was honest and open about mine because it meant nothing and I knew I wanted to make things right. I also feel like it’s my fault that his hurting I mean if I didn’t do it there wouldn’t be any hurt but do I deserve to be punished I don’t think so breaking my integrity is already enough punishment. I don’t know how I see myself any more but on a scale of 1-10 I’d say a 7. Most times when I’m stressed I just talk to him and I feel better but know I’m scared to really do that because I don’t know if I’ll be pushing him away or bringing memories. Maybe I’m just lost in my thoughts and I need to live in the moment and stop thinking alot. Some times I listen to music or dance but it doesn’t seem to be working anymore.
What caused me to doing that was because I had low self esteem and didn’t have confident in my self and my boyfriend had just left for the army I was also trying to join but it wasn’t working out i was on the Keto diet and it had negative reactions on my face so I was breaking out a lot and I felt ugly and this guy walked up to me and says he follows me on Snapchat and I look beautiful and better in person it made me happy so I began talking to him paid him a visit 4 times on on of those visits the kiss happened. I feel like if I was more confident in myself a compliment wouldn’t move me to the point were I have to break my boyfriends trust. To be honest the kiss meant nothing. But now I miss the connection between my boyfriend and I he used to call me the nicest names show me off and all that good stuff but it doesn’t happen anymore. He still looks out for me and has my back but you know that spark of when you first fall in love the butterflies and all I truly miss them. I just want to make things right I truly love him.
