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Heidi,
Rachael specializes in depression, anxiety, relational issues, loss, and trauma. She has gone as far as to lose her lunch hour the first 2 times we’ve met and now has me worked into a regular time. She hasn’t officially told me that I have PTSD, but I’m sure I do. Even a friend who has military and childhood PTSD has confirmed my suspicion. Maybe I should flat out ask her. Husband will not accept the PTSD fact unless he sees an official diagnosis from her. He thinks it’s spoiled brat syndrome since my mom and grandma have used materialistic things in my teens to distract me from the earlier incidents.
He protects himself by saying I cheat first and claims that he’s never had intercourse with these women, just foreplay, sharing a bed, and oral sex, due to our marriage meaning something to him and he can’t perform. I’ve broken into his phone and seen the texts from the last 2 affairs he’s had and they suggest otherwise.
Your description of him is spot on. He says I’ve taken his manhood away, used him as a doormat and he’s going to find himself and not allow any woman to treat him like a doormat ever again. He’s the one who insists/is proud that I don’t have to work outside of the house. Now here I am, basically penniless and scrambling for a job that will pay my bills and keep me afloat, all while going to therapy and having a surgical procedure in 3 weeks that he won’t take time to be there for.
Besides love, we were best friends when we started dating, we have the same interests, and I’ve melded my life around his. When he’s not angry or stressed (including work, social life), we get along just perfectly! I’ve heard from several people that we are a wonderful, loving couple and they can easily see that we love each other very much.
I’ve talked to him 4 times already today and he hasn’t brought up the text yet. I’m going to not bring it up so I don’t make him feel pressured. Is there anything I can text him as a follow up this evening?
I think I understand what the first suggested text was all about and I’ve said some of those things a few weeks ago to him and he actually took me to one of his social events that was 4 days long, but I kinda blew it when my anxiety took control because of the looks and whispering about me that was going on. He’d told these people that I was sleeping with his best friend, instead of the real truth. I didn’t realize the anxiety until hours later. I was so focused on being the perfect wife and following his rules exactly, and trying to not let the embarrassment of not having the clothes on that designate me as his partner. I almost feel like I was set up for failure. I know it was a test for me and I’m trying to not let it get to me.
It’s like he’s afraid/embarrassed of acknowledging that I was raped and blackmailed by his friend. Instead he announced a extremely short cliff notes version to make him look good, get sympathy and for me to look like a slut. I hope the WHOLE truth will someday come out, but he will have consequences to face if it does.
Thanks for taking the time to help!
Hi Heidi,
I sent the following text to my husband
I understand that you can’t trust me. I don’t trust myself right now. I have a lot of hurt that I am carrying around and I end up sabotaging the connection that I have with you because of it.🥺 I want to finally face my past and become the person that I know that I am deep inside, and who you fell in love with all those years ago, beyond the hurt that I carry. I want to continue to work with Rachael by myself. I understand your opinion on working with someone together. We love ❤️ each other so much and I deeply want to create a relationship with you that feels safe, protected, solid, loving 🥰 and connected! I believe we can accomplish that!🥰 I want to fight for that. I hope that you would be willing to create that with me?
It instantly put him on the defense and he started questioning whether he was no longer allowed to talk to Rachael, my PsyD. I explained to him that I was expressing to him my thoughts and that I understand that he refuses to go to any type of counseling and that he says he doesn’t need any help. I reiterated that I take full responsibility for my actions and that I feel like I had a breakthrough a few hours after my appointment with Rachael the other day. I told him how he upset me to the point that I would normally do my usual stupid reaction, and I was able to talk myself down on reacting to my emotions and that I’m proud of myself for being able to notice and control myself. I felt like I’d ran a marathon mentally and physically the next day and by the afternoon I noticed that I wasn’t in the physical state of panic. My body is no longer extremely tense, instead it’s in a calm, almost relaxed state and that my mind is much clearer and calmer. He says it’s just reality setting in. I conveyed to him that I hope he sees for himself that I am returning to the woman that he fell in love with all those years ago and that I hope it’s not too late to repair this. He says it’s too late and we continued with small talk. He lastly said that he needed to process the text further and sleep on it. I’m trying to not get my hopes up, but maybe what you suggested and I texted in my own words, triggered something in him! Keep your fingers crossed! I’ll update tomorrow.
Please let me know what you think……
Hi Heidi,
He refuses couples counseling. He claims he saw a therapist and they said that he’s firing 100 for 100%, which is obviously a lie, I think he says that to protect himself. This isn’t the first time he’s reacted by running to another woman. He’s done that every time and I know he starts it first or at the same time, and he always picks women that are the complete opposite of me.
He won’t recognize that my childhood pain is what drives me to act impulsively and makes me “freeze” when we fight and he pushes me away. Nobody has ever suggested that I get help and I never recognized it myself. I thought my reactions were just emotional to being rejected until I recently discovered that it’s panic and anxiety.
I believe if he wanted to move on, he wouldn’t be talking to me for hours daily, say that he loves me to, be intimate with me when he’s off the road, go to work late every time he’s home, give me ridiculous rules to follow, etc.
He made a good attempt 2 days ago to get me into a panic attack and into the impulsive state. I felt myself fall for it for a brief moment and just wanted to be touched and loved, but I had the self control to tell myself that I didn’t want to do that, stay the course and prove to him that I am making progress on controlling myself and talked myself right out of seeking the very problem. It was then the something changed inside of me….. I don’t feel like I’m in a constant state of anxiety and physically feel calmer. Hope this is a good sign that I’m making progress.
I will text him your suggested sentences in a bit. He’s stressed out because of work changing his route today and will send it this evening when his truck is loaded and he’ll be in a much better mental state. I feel timing is just as important as the message is, especially with him. I suspect that he’s got a form of bu-polar and certainly know that based upon his mood, you’ll get completely different answers. Keep your fingers crossed that this helps!!!!!
