[Caroline A]

Hey Spyce – Thank you for reaching out to check in on me! I really appreciate it. I’ve been doing okay, each day is different from the next. I guess I’ve been having a lot of internal arguments with myself recently and definitely way more emotional.

For starters, I definitely miss him and think about him every day. I want to call him and text him. I was close to his family and was like maybe I’ll write a letter to his parents for closure but then I’m like that’s their son, they don’t care about what you have to say or if I wish them well or not! They don’t need/ want anything from me that just puts them in an awkward situation, I should leave them alone! This is probably just me looking for more closure or most likely me trying to hold on more? Sometimes it feels like I’m spiraling/ losing my mind a bit!

Recent updates are somewhat lacking in terms of what’s happened vs. how I’m actually feeling.

After blocking him the other week I was feeling pretty good. It felt like I took back some of the control and felt confident now that I was strong and everything would be okay in my life. When I was in the park with my trainer and told him how I was doing, he made a joke that if I hadn’t had blocked my ex on everything that he would block me back on whatever I had forgotten. I of course was like what do you mean, what else do I need to block? He laughed and told me to pull up the old facebook app and then we realized my ex decided to block me on the one app neither of us really use and that I didn’t even think about the other week. Never did I think that at 31 years old I would be focusing on who blocked who on whatever social media app! But in that moment my heart sunk. When I had blocked him on instagram and his cell phone number, I was in control, I was limiting his accessibility to my life and I was blocking his name from showing up on my feed every day. Finding out he had blocked me on something like facebook made me feel sad. He had gone out of his way to retaliate or to get the control back – as petty as it was. A part of me should’ve expected it, another part of me was scared because now there is nothing left between us, no more forms of communication, no way to ever reach out again.

I put one foot in front of the other and continued to get through each work day and each night trying to block out any feelings of pain by focusing on workouts, more cooking, more “involved” television shows so my brain couldn’t venture off to think of him the way it would if I was watching some mindless real housewives show where my mind would go back to him.

Last week I woke up mad or vengeful or perhaps just plain old NUTS! My emotions have been very all of the place recently, and I said screw it and I re-downloaded a dating app I was previously on years ago. I’m not sure what I was looking for to be honest. I think after seeing I was blocked, in my mind, I wanted to go preoccupy myself with what was out there and I think I told myself I’d somehow find some amazing person and I could be done with the non-stop thinking about my ex. Boy was I WRONG! I stumbled upon the first conversation my ex and I ever had in July of 2017. UGH.

So for context my ex and I had “met”/ matched on two separate dating apps. The first app bumble, we had matched, messaged, and I forgot to respond to him as I was going on a trip. 3-ish months later I had downloaded tinder at the recommendation of a friend to get out there, and he was the first person I matched with, messaged, and 3 days later that was it, we were together ever since. He was my person. I had found my best friend and partner. It was something we joked about that he would never let up, he referred to it as my “bumble fumble” but both acknowledged timing was everything as when we had first spoken he was not in NYC full time yet and I was still dating around/ having fun getting over an “ex situationship” from a a year prior.

So in my recent attempt to find someone or preoccupy myself with “what’s out there” I uncovered the first conversation we had ever had back in July of 2017. It was surprisingly at the top of my conversations because I stopped using bumble, as it didn’t get me anywhere. I started balling. It was sad to see how even despite me forgetting to respond to him, back then our conversation was hysterical and even reminded me of a conversation we had even a few months ago before shit hit the fan. It was sad to see that that was our beginning- with so much promise, so much light and humor. Reading back to the conversation it was even funnier knowing that a few months later I would find him again. I guess the tears and sadness came from wishing we could start over again, wishing that things had not ended, wishing that he could snap out of whatever this bizarre quarter/mid life crisis B.S. was, wishing that he didn’t just throw me away.

Like each time I feel emotional, I tell myself to breath through it, move on from the wild emotions, and do something fun for me! I went to my sisters new place in Miami for Labor Day Weekend. I thought “you can’t cry in the sun with a cocktail in your hand by the pool!”. Well…

My sisters ex-boyfriend also came down for the weekend to stay with her. They were broken up for 2 years, but for some reason my sister and her ex-boyfriend are canoodling/ dating/ sleeping with each other again. I have no idea what’s going on with them. They were together 4 years, both ultimately they both cheated on each other several times, both got off on arguing with each other, and fighting, etc. etc. Well it was like they were back to their old ways – yelling at each other, getting into stupid arguments then holding hands the next minute. I was uncomfortable the whole weekend. And all I could think of was, how is it these two are together again when they were never happy in the first place, and my relationship as happy (to me at least) and I’m the one alone. We didn’t cheat on each other, we didn’t yell at each other 24/7, we didn’t break things in an argument, we didn’t get everyone involved in our drama… All I could think of was how are these two back at it and I’m all alone? My ex was also the person I would confide in and go to when all of my sister’s drama would blow up, my ex would even be involved because they would fight around us too.

I was angry that these two who are NOT A MATCH are still trying to make things work (although incredibly unhealthy) and I’m the one who was just trying to do the right thing by someone but somehow I’m not worth fighting for, I’m not worth it to him. It made me feel like shit. My self confidence is totally in the drain right now.

I know each day is different, each minute of every day will be different. I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot to figure out. I miss my best friend and I ultimately know this is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I’d love to know more about your course/ guide for evaluating what we’re attracted to vs. what we’re looking for. Is there a link to this or a general gist of how I can best write up a venn diagram for wants, needs, desires or should I just start listing things out?

Thanks again for checking in on me and apologies for wallowing on this thread. I was doing so well and somehow the past few weeks have been a lot rougher than I anticipated. Thank you as always for being here for me and helping me through the kookiness that is my life right now!

[Caroline A]

Just an update, on Thursday night I piled all his stuff into target bags and asked my doorman to call him to pick everything up. Rather than just planning to pick up the bags, he texted me asking me how much stuff was left behind. I waited till the next day when I was on a train to Boston to tell him I was out of town and he needed to pick up his stuff before I was back. I didn’t even bother telling him there are 7 massive bags waiting for him. A few hours later he reached out saying he left my keys in the lobby and he had taken everything. I felt empowered, angry, and out of the urge to “win”, I blocked his number right after receiving that text! Why does he need access to my cell number anyway? I felt if he had no problem using me as an emotional crutch over the past few weeks, who’s to say he doesn’t reach out in the next month, 6 months, or even 6 years to try to use me as his support system again without the intention of supporting me.

I spent the weekend at my friends house in Boston. Had a great time and way too many lobster rolls! I was feeling good but when I went on Instagram on the train home yesterday, I saw he was liking my friends posts. Despite me having muted what he posts on Instagram (stories and pictures), I realized I was going to continue to see his name show up on my friends’ photos. (Also, what a nerve – they’re my friends not yours so leave everyone alone! I never understood why after a relationship is over people continue to like the ex’s friends content on social media. It always seemed like a weird attention thing or perhaps trying to pretend like they’re a “good person” for liking people’s photos.) So that feeling of anger and wanting to be in control of the breakup came back to me while I was sitting on the train, so I blocked him on Instagram too!

I felt relieved and anxious at the same time. Apart of me is like “why did you do that? Now you’ll never hear from him again” but the other part of me is thinking this is what I need, not only for me to move on, but also to make a point to him that I’m not going to pretend like everything is okay. You made the choice to move on from me so now you don’t deserve to have access to me! It’s also probably good for me not to see anything in the event he quickly moves on to some new girl. I know that social media can end up being a bizarre battlefield during breakups and this is something I just don’t want to be a part of. I’d rather post what I want to post and be happy and be me without having to second guess if anything I do, say, write will be misconstrued by him. I’m just not trying to post stuff to get back at him – that’s just not who I am.

Meanwhile, I guess the past few days a few friends of mine had unfollowed him on Instagram or even blocked themselves. I had no idea. But honestly, I was happy that they would do so without asking, it felt like people were really trying to make a point that they were on my side and they were done with him too . It turns out he messaged one of my girlfriends after she unfollowed him. He messaged her: “fair enough but ouchie”. He had only met her 2 or 3 times. When she reached out to me with this screenshot I was livid! I couldn’t believe he would even message her to try to build or bridge or even maybe get some sort of reaction out of her. (Also – just a heads up she plays for the other team so to speak, so this wasn’t him trying to flirt with her.)

In the meantime, I’ve asked friends and family to hold off on unfollowing him because I don’t want it to look like I’m talking about him and telling people what to do on social media. Last thing I need is to be the petty one. I am only in control of myself and don’t need this guy playing the victim even more so than he already is. His immaturity has clearly been shining brighter and brighter each day that goes by – from cold non-response responses via text to getting upset when MY friend started unfollowing via social media.

As I try to move on and put back the pieces together, I guess I was wondering for any final advice you might have for me. I understand each day will be hard and that we don’t heal in a straight line. But I like to-do lists, I like checking things off of a list to say “yes, I’ve accomplished X”. If you have any advice for me for putting the pieces back together, ways to heal, even things that I should focus on instead that would be great! Do I download dating apps again? Do I try to meet new guys to brush off this last one? Do I stay away from all men for however many months and only focus on work? I know everyone is different I just don’t really know how to act/ react to this next stage. I’m a goal setting type person and now that it feels like everything is up in the air I feel a little confused and uneasy in the path moving forward. I relied on my ex to make decisions with me for us and now that it’s just me again it seems a little confusing as to what I should focus on or what next steps I should take moving forward to get back to me.

I also just wanted to say how much I’ve really appreciated all the support here! I definitely could not have done this all with my head on straight without your caring and kind advice! You’ve definitely empowered me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and not to take any more BS from him! Thank you so much, Spyce!! Truly, I cannot even describe what you’ve done for me!!

[Caroline A]

Hi Spyce – Thank you for the message and the confidence boost to finally just go for it!!

To answer a few preliminary questions before I deep dive into the drama, I am in fact a New Yorker – born and raised in Manhattan! I guess the hustle and bustle of the city that never sleeps clearly reflects in how we navigate through conversations and life!!

I totally agree about the assumption he was an overly sensitive type, but I guess I hadn’t seen his true colors. He was very much the “I’ve got this, don’t worry about me” type of person and perhaps the lockdowns opened up deep seated insecurities I wasn’t aware of because he had been hiding them. It’s funny that you mention the jealousy part because thinking back to the conversation we had in Central Park a few weeks ago where he was crying profusely, he even said “It’s been the Caroline show”. Now looking back at it, I do wonder if there were jealousy issues or a resentment towards me building that I wasn’t aware of. Although in the pandemic I wasn’t thriving per se, I did get a promotion, I did try to see the sunnier side of life and roll up my sleeves to pivot with work when things got frustrating. I planned trips to keep us sane. Sure, I have a gaggle of friends! Who became his friends! I tried my best to make plans with people even if that meant renting a cabin in the middle of nowhere to play Uno for a weekend with wine. I didn’t anticipate what I was doing for us, would be deemed as selfish/ self involved or “the Caroline show”. I imagine the “control” I had (it was my apartment after all), me covering the cost of trips, and maybe certain parts of my personality (I’m definitely quite loud and proud) were all contributing factors to his heightened insecurities and maybe frustration with me, which he probably deflected from frustrations about his own life.

The man-child syndrome was definitely at play. Whether it was cleaning up after him, covering the cost of things, cooking for him, making sure he was content – it’s clear now I was carrying a lot more weight than he was. To answer your side note about the apartment, I guess I never asked him to leave my apartment because when I said something or asked for help, I had a was my “release”. I was verbally communicating when I was frustrated or when I needed help. Ha- I do want to be clear and say, I wasn’t verbally attacking the guy or acting like a maniac. But did I most likely roll my eyes when I was picking his dirty socks off the floor? Absolutely! Did he ever pick up a dirty sock of mine? Heck no! So I’m sure I scoffed and rolled my eyes for sure at times.
I think when I would say something to him, it was a cathartic release. That energy or frustration never built up to a sense where it was unbearable for me. After I said something, I could let it go. I brought it up, I highlighted to him the help or contribution I wanted/ needed. After I’d say my peace, my mind would move onto something else. I’m not going to hold a grudge about picking up crumbs – but perhaps he was taking score of every time I needed something or complained about something. I didn’t feel the need to ask him to stay a few nights a week at his place because although frustrating it never got overwhelming to the point where I was in such a dark hole of despair. I would say what I needed to say and move on. Maybe I should’ve told him to stay a few nights a week at his place if I had known that he was keeping score.

Now get’s to the “fun part”, did I ever ask him why he never went back to his apartment a few times a week if it were that overwhelming. Well…

I took your advice last night and realized, screw it! Spyce is right, every second, minute, hour I wait for something to happen is another moment that’s too long to be in limbo. I love him, I want to talk to him and make it work, I’ll take the advice and reach out and ask to meet in person. And boy, did that conversation turn upside down. I will have to say as a warning, the official time of death was August 24th at 10:40pm for Adam & Caroline. DONEZO.

To recap in bullet point form the text conversation that made it clear he has no desire to talk to me about my feelings or what really went down:

-I asked how he was and when he was going to visit his brother in North Carolina
-He answered with small talk and that was leaving on Sunday
-I said great lets go get a drink tomorrow then
-He said he didn’t think it was a good idea
-I asked why it wasn’t a good idea and then said I deserve more than an “I don’t know” like a few weeks go
-He mentioned he’s still coming out of the “doom and gloom of separating” and he doesn’t want to go back to that feeling
– I said I’m going to ask you questions then since when we met in the park you were so emotional iI was more worried about you in that stat and i never got to communicate my side of things
-He responded with “Well yeah I felt betrayed and foolish but go ahead”
– I asked him if things were really terrible why didn’t he go back to his apartment for a few days a week to establish boundaries/ space before letting everything build up
-He said he didn’t want to go into it an rehash everything and he said he had already said why on the phone and the park
-I then said you never told me anything and that after you moved out you said you weren’t going to make any rash decisions. Then in the park you kept saying “I don’t know, I just don’t know”. And if things were so bad between us anyway, then why would you ask to move into a new apartment with me right before this then?
-He said neither of us were actively looking at apartments and he didn’t think the living situation would change
-I reminded him I was looking online every day and showing him places. He said his coworker said to wait till July to find better deals. I said I was so excited to move forward with you and get a place together and then you disappear out of my life with no warning sign and no honesty. But you feel betrayed? And what do you feel betrayed about?!
-He then said he’s talking to a wall and he’s already expressed himself, which reiterates the point that this is not working and I’m not listening to him. He then said goodnight.
-I then said I’m leaving your stuff downstairs with the doorman on Friday and I want my keys and my dad’s keys back you can leave them with the doorman.

And that was it! A lot to unpack but my key takeaways are, he’s been okay talking to me every day about his issues, his concerns, his family, etc. etc. but the moment I’m looking for closure he can’t even be an adult and have a conversation with me. So he’s clearly been using me as an emotional crutch.

The second thing that stands out to me is STILL his refusal to even have an explanation or tell me what the actual problem is. It feels like he’s reframed the narrative to make me out to be some sort of horrible person that doesn’t listen and isn’t kind. Meanwhile the use of “betrayed” was BEYOND ridiculous. Using a word like that almost insinuates there was an affair? Or I was some sort of sleezey girl? In what planet is he living on when I’ve never done anything to betray him. I’ve championed him since the day I met him.

The final thing that stands out is how gross he was trying to end the conversation by saying “goodnight”. But out of retaliation, he wanted to end the conversation for the evening and I decided to end it forever.

This was clearly not a mature person, whether happy or unhappy in this relationship. You don’t spend 3.5 years with someone to abandon them overnight, refuse to actually say “it’s over I’m breaking up with you, we’re done”. Instead avoiding definitive terms to keep me in limbo even to use the phrase “doom and gloom of separating”- SEPARATING? Why does that sound like it’s an interim phrase – use “broke up”, say “when we ended”. The use of the present participle here is just beyond me.

I tried to talk to him. I tried to be supportive recently. I’ve tried to make amends, show him I love him, and he threw it back in my face. I’m currently cleaning out my closet and grabbing the rest of his stuff that I will throw into boxes.

I’m completely shattered and confused. At the same time I feel angry, yet empowered because for the first time in weeks I haven’t been tiptoeing around what I want and the answers I need.

I just can’t believe the person I thought and loved would do this to me.

[Caroline A]

I would say for the most part we didn’t have many challenges- I know what you’re thinking, how could that be?! But we were respectful of each other’s time and space. We’ve both been huge supporters of each other’s career paths, my family loved him and his family loved me. Anything he wanted to do, I was his number one fan. Anything I wanted to do, even if it was out of his comfort zone he did it because he knew how my eyes would light up on different adventures. Whether it was me dragging him skiing or crazy vacations, I would be at every show that I could be to watch him perform standup comedy. It really felt like I had met my partner in life. Someone who understood me, someone I could intuitively understand as well. When people say that sometimes love isn’t enough, in my mind what we had was more than love because we had a respect and a foundation that was beyond what most couple friends of mine had.

Everything was pretty good and then the pandemic hit. It felt like in a tiny space (there is no hiding in a studio apartment) neither of us had time to decompress and we lost a bit of our independence. We were ON TOP of one another and it was very hard. Initially it was pretty stressful but he was better about trying to contribute after I had sat him down and told him how stressed I was managing all the cleaning, all the groceries, etc. Then I think the longer it went on the more aggravating the situation got. I was just happy he wanted to move into a bigger place with me! It felt like after all the craziness of the past year and a half, we could finally do the mature thing and find what works for both of us to save our relationship from unwanted stress of a small living space.

When it comes down to his stubbornness over working with me on things again, I TOTALLY AGREE. Do I want to be the girl pining over someone who initially abandoned me when they decided things got too tough? NO! Absolutely not. But do I want to be respectful of his time and space right now. Like perhaps things imploded because we were just on top of each other and things just built up too much. Maybe he does need space to realize that he overreacted and that he made the wrong decision. How can he miss me if I’m always there? So am I’m being the ridiculous one for trying to speed up a reconnecting with him again and immediately going back to being in a relationship? I’m not sure. The other part of me is thinking it’s been a few weeks and I want to be with him and rebuild what we have and the question that comes to mind is ultimately: “how much time does he really need to figure out what you want?”. I feel like people don’t really need months and months to figure something out. People tend to ultimately know what they want.

I guess the benefit is by trying to reach out now that I get an answer sooner. The downside is, if I give him more time and space, maybe he’ll ultimately have more time alone to finally think about things.

If I were to reach out to see if I could reconnect again, how would you best suggest I go about it without seeming pushy?

[Caroline A]

Thank you for your response back! It feels better being able to talk about it as I feel like most of my friends/ family have just said “that sucks, move on!”. There hasn’t been any appreciation for me, what I want, or how I’m feeling. It feels like a death in a way- it’s an emptiness I haven’t dealt with before.

To answer your question about asking him about where those intense tears were coming from – I never asked. I think in the moment I was so shocked by how emotional he was that I didn’t want to start pressing him on anything. I wanted to give him the room and the time to say what he needed to say- a safe space if you will. I had so many questions and so many feelings in that moment, but I was almost shocked to see him in that state. Not only because I had never even see him get emotional like this ever (!!) but in that moment all the thoughts I had about me, my feelings, my wants/ desires went out the window. I just wanted to make sure he felt okay and he felt like he had a safe space to speak openly. It was funny because before I had met him that day in the park, I honestly thought I would be an emotional wreck, crying and begging for him back in public, but to see him like that and so emotional – I was weirdly calm. I’ve never experienced that before where all my upset dissipated because I was more focused on making sure he was okay and everything I was feeling I shelved.

The texting recently has been more lighthearted/ surface level because everything I’ve read about reconnecting with someone was not trying to go back to a broken relationship, but to remind someone of happiness, joy, and good times that comes with reconnecting. I didn’t want it to be so “heavy” every time we spoke. So now having thought about it, I probably avoided the conversation about “why” too but I also feel like he needed to be reminded that I was still his biggest supporter, I’m still there for him, and I’m not his enemy or someone to avoid who keeps bringing up heavy topics.

When it comes to our communication style, if someone would’ve asked me 6 months ago if we were good communicators, I would’ve said Oh heck yes! We were the couple who would stay up till 5am just talking about life, movies, stories, books, politics – you name it! I vividly remember my sister said “do you guys just ever stop talking?” when we were all on vacation together. We spoke about everything and anything – I found his mind fascinating and I truly believe he thought I was just as captivating. Now I’m not saying we agreed on everything but from my understanding the cornerstone of our relationship was really our communication.

But now my mind has changed. In retrospect, I wonder if I was a good communicator and he was potentially not communicating to me openly or if I wasn’t hearing what he was trying to tell me. When I was telling him I needed help with cleaning, groceries, etc. I was being straightforward. What he was hearing was probably nagging or me being “mean”. He would make jokes to me sometimes about “say something nice, Caroline” while laughing and tickling me. Now looking back on it, I wonder if those were instances where he didn’t feel comfortable having a conversation where he thought I was being curt, and tried to “communicate” by joking or using laughter to de-escalate my frustrations, but it ultimately led to me not knowing how he was feeling. I’ve always been a straight shooter but I’m the first person to eat crow and apologize if I’ve been sassy in a moment. I feel awful because maybe he did let everything bottle up and I just wasn’t aware how he was feeling because I wasn’t clued into what he was trying to tell me. But to defend myself in a way, I’m also not a mind reader. Hiding secret meanings behind jokes isn’t talking to me. Sitting me down and having an adult conversation is the only way I can be receptive to his needs/ wants/ desires. So I think from one perspective, maybe I communicate too well and maybe in a way he was overwhelmed by, but then on the other hand he wasn’t communicating to me in a way I could observe, ingest, and later adjust my ways that work better for him. He had mentioned to me that it was my apartment and how he didn’t want to rock the boat so maybe he felt that I had the control and he couldn’t be open with me for fear of backlash?

I would like to get back with him. I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night. It’s been quite a difficult past few days (even though it hasn’t really been much time at all) as all I want to do is text him and get back to a space where maybe eventually we can discuss what was buried.

But if he doesn’t reach out to me now after I made a comment about him being cute, then I’m not really sure what next steps I should take.

Do I ask him to meet for a drink? Do I shoot him a text and ask how his day has been? Do I send a non-suspecting article/ meme to hook him into a conversation and then ask him out? I’m scared of trying and potentially getting shot down about asking him for a drink, or ignored if I send him a message.

I would LOVE to be able to get to a stage where we can hash out issues, but I’m nervous that he’s in this stubborn state of “I made my decision I can’t go back on it now”. He’s definitely a person who, once they make a decision, even if he knows it wasn’t the “right” one, he’ll stand by it because he doesn’t want to be wrong. There’s a lot of pride there that I would need to break down I guess. I’m also afraid that despite all hope I’ve had recently that he will just tell himself to man up and move on and I will be left there with false hope and nothing to show for it.

If you have any ideas for how I can best entertain a dialogue with him and maybe get to the stage of breaking down our issues and hashing them out let me know!

Thank you so much for listening !!!! I really appreciate having an ear!

[Author]

Posts